Day 96- Hong Kong Disneyland: It's Like Disneyland...But In Hong Kong.

Our last full day abroad.  Single tear.  We would be flying out of Hong Kong the next afternoon, so we figured we had better make the most of our last day before returning to Canada.  There was only place that could possibly live up to our expectations for a grand finale: The Lusty Leopard Strip Club Hong Kong Disneyland!

Colleen and I's initial plan was to wake up at the crack of dawn and catch the subway down to Disneyland before all the crowds.  Instead, the both of us slept through multiple alarms and we didn't make it out of the hotel much before lunch time.  We'll just blame it on jet lag and the one hour time difference we were coming from.  The ride to the park was pretty entertaining, as Disney has their own dedicated subway line that connects up with the main lines to transport people to the park.  The subway cars are decked out with all Disney regalia including Mickey-shaped windows, "oh-shit" handles, etc.  My hairy legs also managed to severely frighten a young child, which now makes my cat Mr. Bubbles (R.I.P.) non-exclusive in the "Brent's hairy legs resemble a small Yeti and scare the shit out of me" anti-fan club. 



The Mickey Mouse subway.  Mind blown.



Colleen getting into the Minnie Mouse spirit.



 

As we arrived at the park, I must say I was amazed at just how many Chinese people there were.  I realize this may sound like an ignorant comment since we were in Hong Kong, but I genuinely expected there to be a greater representation of foreign interests here.  I mean, it had to be 98-99% Chinese people.  I did my best to blend in with my expensive SLR camera, but I fear it was all for naught.  After taking the requisite tourist photos outside the main gate, the wifey and I headed in to the park.

I must say I was getting quite the belly by the end of our trip.


I'll just pretend I don't know her...

Since we were at an amusement park, and let's be real Colleen and I don't need an excuse, it was a safe bet that we were going to be eating extremely shitty for the day.  We hit up a bakery for breakfast before checking out the Lion King live show.  I must say  Timon and Pumbaa never get old.  Our first official ride of the day was some new roller coaster, which miraculously we only had to wait two minutes to get on.  One thing I notice as I now enter my more senior years is that my stomach cannot handle rides like it used to.  Now I know why my parents always sent me and my siblings on the rides while they just idled nearby.  Here I was thinking they didn't love me, when all they wanted to do was not barf up a lung.  Needing a slightly tamer ride, we took Tarzan's raft to his tree house (I guess he maintains residences around the world) before venturing over to Toy Story Land.  My stomach continued to act a fool on the rides here, while I did my best to settle it down with the most revolutionary food product of all-time: a pizza cone.  I'm not sure what was better: seeing my favorite characters from twenty years ago or eating a pizza cone. 



Simba!!!!



On second thought maybe she should disown me.
 



It's like the year 1995 in real life!



Sorry Colleen you've been replaced.



 

The next stop in our attempt to see the whole park in one day was Fantasyland, where we took in a Mickey Mouse 3D show before I laid eyes on the most annoying, yet most Disney ride of all-time: It's A Small World.  I let Colleen know that we were riding those boats with tiny statue people come hell or high water, because I just really, really, really needed to hear that song.  While I attempted to soak in the leisurely boat ride, the young girl with her father sitting in front of us had other ideas and instead wanted to spend the entire ride using us as her personal English tutors.  We happily obliged her, as I am all for training the future leaders of tomorrow in the fine art of saying, "hello my name is Brent" on repeat.  We then stumbled upon the daily "Disney Parade" which we followed up with a visit to another Disney parks institution: Space Mountain.  After Colleen owned me on the Buzz Lightyear Space Shootout (my gun must have been broken, because we all know women can't shoot), we invested in a gigantic cotton candy and some other 0% nutritious shit for dinner.



That sign is the story of my life. Whaddup!


This costume has definitely been used in some fetish films.

She better share or else...

Slightly unrelated:  During a visit to the public bathroom, I had the most bizarre thirty seconds ever.  First, upon entering the facilities, I was greeted by a young girl being propped up by what I can only assume was her father over top of a urinal.  She had her legs on top of the urinal, while she leaned her back against her father in an attempt to hit the porcelain target.  While all this was going on, a young boy who had just finished taking a leak decided he didn't need to pull his pants up and just walked over to the sink and started washing his hands while his digits were hanging out.  Just a casual hand wash sans pants in a Disneyland bathroom.  Very normal! Needless to say, I quickly locked myself in a stall.

With the night winding down, we went on one last ride, the Jungle River Cruise.  I must say it was rather entertaining, as we cruised around this little body of water and random fake animals jumped out at us in the now dim evening light.  Throw in the fact that our tour guide was more animated than an Asian Steve Irwin on Prozac and you my friends have the making of the most ridiculous boat ride ever!  As the night was winding down we headed to the souvenir shops to gather up some useless crap.  All of the stores were absolutely rammed with people who were clearing the shelves off as it was Boxing Day or a going out of business sale.  When you imagine stereotypical Chinese shopping, this was is it at its finest.  Having survived the retail nightmare, we grabbed some Mickey-shaped waffles and grabbed a spot for the end of night fireworks over top of the Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty castle.  A great way to end the final night of our trip.



BEST. WAFFLE. DESIGN. EVER.



Our final night in Asia.



~Brentski~

Day 95- So The Masseuse Touched My Twig And Berries. Did I Mention They Were A Ladyboy?

Sadly our vacation was coming to a close.  We only had one destination left, Hong Kong, where we would only be spending a couple of nights (travel dates were changed due to poor planning on our part) before flying back to Canada and the reality that awaited us there (see: work and cold weather).  On a much more awesome note, while we were in Hong Kong, Colleen and I were going to go to Disneyland the next day and behave like a couple of children!

Our flight to Hong Kong was not scheduled to leave Koh Samui until 5pm,so we had one last day in the tropical expanse known as Thailand.  After loitering in our room and its air conditioning for as long as possible, we eventually caught the shuttle bus into town where we made it our mission to spend the remaining bit of Thai currency that we had.  Being the foodies that we are, McDonald's was naturally our first stop of the day for some of that fine local fare. 

While Mickey D's is usually a pretty safe bet, the same could not be said for our second stop of the day.  Although I am not a huge man of massages, Colleen somehow convinced me that we should get one last massage before leaving the island.  And as you all know, I am a big practitioner of the "happy wife, happy life" philosophy.  So with that, we found the classiest/most reputable looking place we came across and sauntered in and signed up for some oil massages.  It was one of the bigger massage parlors in the area (do they call them parlors, or is that only for rub and tugs?) so it seemed like a safe bet.  Boy were we wrong!  Next thing I knew, Colleen and I were being led upstairs to our own private curtained-off area with our two masseuses.  There was only slight problem...my masseuse was not a chick, or even a dude for that matter: it was a ladyboy!  Kind of fitting on my last day in Thailand don't you think?  Colleen could not stop giggling, while I was not sure whether to laugh myself or run out of the building.  Never being one to want to offend people, the next thing I knew I was following the instructions of my large-handed, and we shall assume well-endowed massage expert and was stripping down to my boxers.  Mother of God.  As I laid down I tried to relax, but the truth is I could not stop laughing to myself.  Here I was 95% naked getting oiled up by someone with gender identification issues while my girlfriend was laying on a bed beside me smirking and giggling at my discomfort.  As the massage progressed, so too did the relationship between his/her hands and my body.  Next thing I knew, my upper thighs were getting oiled up and the hands were slowing getting conspicuously close to my genital region.  I'm not going to lie: there was some definite finger-to-ball grazing going on, but at this point I was in too deep (pun fully intended)!  They say massages are supposed to be a relaxing experience...I can assure you this was not!  Since I am clearly a sucker for punishment, we realized we didn't have any small bills to tip the masseuses and trying to ask someone to make change for you who doesn't speak any English is next to impossible.  So we had to go to a shop down the road to break our bill so that we could come back and tip my burly provider of pleasure.  I guess I just couldn't stay away from those magic hands!

Once we dropped the last bit of our money on some ice cream cones, we hopped in a cab to the airport for our impending flight to Hong Kong.  Koh Samui Airport is actually rated as one of the top ten airports in the world.  It has a beautiful open-air concept and is a truly "tropical" airport.  Despite its superior ranking, we were informed that our flight had been delayed.  Due to the setback, we were each given a voucher that we could use in the airport shops for either food or a massage.  I will let you guess which one Colleen and I opted for!  After killing as much time as we could we headed to the boarding gate, only to be greeted by even more delays.  Again though, the Koh Samui Airport stepped up and kept the grumpy passengers happy with free snack food and refreshments. 

Following multiple postponements, our flight did eventually depart and we touched down in Hong Kong shortly after midnight.  We grabbed a cab to the Panda Hotel (yes, that was the real name) and seemingly passed an endless supply of skyscrapers along the way.  I knew Hong Kong was densely packed, but it is truly the definition of a concrete jungle.  Since WiFi was atrociously priced at $15 a day in our hotel, we ventured out into the Hong Kong night in search of a McDonald'/free WiFi, because let's be real, everyone needs to visit McDonald's three times a day. Am I right?

~Brentski~



The beauty that is Hong Kong.


Pack'em in as tight as you can!

Well at least there's no snow.



Day 94- My Girlfriend Sleeps In A Bug Net In Hotel Rooms. I Say No More.

Now that Colleen had gotten her diving fix, we were safe to leave Koh Tao.  Actually, I would stay there forever but alas, we had to travel onwards.  We were catching a ferry to one of the neighboring islands, Koh Samui, as we had booked a flight from there to Hong Kong the following afternoon.  In true Thai fashion, one of the two ferries that operates between Koh Tao and Koh Samui was out of commission for the day, so there was only a 3pm ferry.  Due to the sweltering heat and our extreme whiteness, Colleen and I passed the time before our boat ride by bouncing between various restaurants in an attempt to stay out of the sun and consume as many refreshing drinks as possible.  There would be many things I was going to miss about Thailand (cheap beer, great weather, etc.), but riding on their ferries was not one of these things!

With the final ferry ride of our vacation behind us, we headed to our hotel for our last night in Thailand.  We were staying at what appeared to be a beautiful beachside hotel, the Impiana Chaweng.  The lobby, pool, and beachside dining all looked spectacular, but unfortunately for us when we went to check-in we were told our room was not yet ready as it was "under repair".  I can only imagine.  For our troubles we were given a four course Thai meal that consisted of lots of nasty shit like fish soup, random shellfish and other stuff that had probably just washed up on shore that week.  Even the ice cream they gave us for dessert sucked!  After dinner we were given the keys to our "repaired" room, although it was a safe assumption that they had spent the entire renovation budget on making the lobby nice.  The room was dated, dirty, and had a solid collection of Colleen's favorite...flying insects!

Seeing as how it was our last night in Thailand for the foreseeable future, we decided to catch the 10pm shuttle bus into Chaweng Beach, the main shopping and nightlife area on the island.  Since our complimentary dinner earlier was not to our liking, we had a second dinner consisting of some good old-fashioned Thai pizza!  Since we were leaving tomorrow we did our best to rid ourselves of some of our Thai currency by purchasing useless souvenirs.  Colleen then retreated to the salon for one last budget manicure.  While she entertained herself by getting her nails done, I decided to just go for a walk around the area by myself.  I quickly discovered that as a white male this was a terrible idea, as I was constantly being harassed by ladyboy hookers, Russian hookers, and regular female Thai hookers!  If you love paying for sex, then Chaweng Beach is the place for you people!  Eventually I just gave up on my exploration and went back to the salon where Colleen was and waited outside.  As she was finishing up the power went out in the entire area.  Just a random observation, but if you ever have the opportunity to be in a bar/club district while the power goes out, take it!  It was really surreal to see.  Kind of eerie actually.

Once power was restored and Colleen was prettied up, we headed across the street to some little bar called Legends.  I figure with a name like that you can't go wrong.  My final cheap beers in Thailand tasted just as good as the first ones, and I am sure I will be back; one day. 

Back at the hotel, Colleen was still petrified about the fact that there were a few bugs in our room earlier (pretty sure they were all dead now) and she thus decided to sleep in a bug net.  Yes, my girlfriend sleeps in a bug net in hotel rooms.  Paranoid? Just a little.  But hey, we've all got our quirks!

Colleen protecting herself from the non-existent critters in our room inside her bug net!



Tomorrow we were venturing on to the last leg of our trip, two nights in Hong Kong, before flying back to Canada.

~Brentski~

Day 93- I Need To Work On My Disguise Skills.

With Colleen out on her final diving expedition, I was left yet again on my own to try and entertain myself.  Shockingly, I actually managed to get up before 9:30am, which for me with no real commitments is a minor miracle.  After attacking the breakfast buffet solo, I decided the punishing walk I had subjected myself to the previous day was not torturous enough and I thus ventured out on another solo hike.  This time I opted to head north instead of south and made my way up to the Nang Yuan lookout.  All-in-all it was an  hour and a half round trip, and like my previous trip it was full of perspiration and panting galore.  It was a solid reminder of why all the smart people were driving mopeds, and only IDIOTS(!) like myself would dare to walk such hilly routes in these extreme temperatures. 

Around lunch time I headed up to the Roctopus headquarters to round up my amphibious girlfriend.  This turned in to me sitting around for over an hour waiting for her as their dive boat was having technical difficulties.  When she finally did show up, we celebrated the fact that she had not drowned by having one last lunch at the adjoining restaurant, Mint Kitchen.  While I'm sure Colleen was going to miss the diving when we departed Koh Tao the next day, I was going to miss the deep fried chicken with cashew nut that they served there.  I'm not a huge Thai food fan, but this shit was Deadly.  And yes, that is deadly with a capital "D". 



The end of diving...and underwater selfies.



 

That afternoon we met up with Colleen's friend Ashley from Kamloops and her boyfriend Joel.  Since Colleen and I are both gluttons we decided to go out for a second lunch with them complimented by some adult beverages.  By this point in the day I was already starting to reach my "outdoor quota" and after our second lunch we retreated back to the hotel to enjoy the splendors of air conditioning before our final night on this beautiful island.

Once we gathered ourselves and decided we had abused our air conditioning enough, Colleen and I sauntered down to Chopper's for the last time.  It was a safe assumption that it was going to win the award on our vacation for the "most visited bar".  It would probably win in a landslide come to think of it.  After meeting up with our old buddy Prat, and Ashley and Joel, it was time to take advantage of the two-for-one beers and two-for-one daiquiris.  My father always told me that half price beers taste twice as good; and I can't say I can argue with him on this point.  Shortly thereafter we said our teary goodbyes to Prat and headed out into the night with Ashley and Joel.

Before we checked out the nightlife, I got Ashley to take us by their accommodations to show Colleen the kind of places I had thought we would be staying when we first landed in Bangkok a couple of months ago.  For 300 baht a night ($10 Canadian) they had a private room.  Mind you, they had a shared bathroom, no A/C, a mattress on the floor, no TV and probably an assortment of creepy crawlers; but hey it was 1/10th the price of what we were paying!  Needless to say the words "budget accommodations" are not a part of Colleen's vocabulary. 

After our sightseeing of how "real backpackers" travel, the four of us decided to do a tour of some of the local beach bars.  A couple of the places were offering promotions like "ladies night" and "one free drink".  Wisely, Colleen and Ashley were able to exploit one of the bars' "one free drink ticket per customer" policy by reentering the bar a second time with disguises on.  And by disguises I mean they slightly altered their hairstyles.  But hey, whatever works.  Not surprisingly, this same strategy did not bode so well for Joel and I, and alas the men were made to pay for their drinks.

 On our way back to our hotel we stopped and had what would probably be our last "street pancakes" of our vacation and some pad Thai.  On an unrelated note: we also saw a dude almost get run over by a moped.  While we were walking home, a heavily intoxicated guy on a scooter hit the guy walking in front of us on the footpath and proceeded to just keep driving.  I'm not sure what the drinking and driving mopeds on pedestrian walkways law is, but I'm sure it can't be legal!

~Brentski~

Day 92- Canadianness. Should Be A Word.

As is often the case after a night of heavy consumption, the next day was a complete write-off.  I do not have the science to prove it, but I am almost 100% certain that every hangover I encounter as I get older seems to be worse than the last one.  Colleen and I eventually rolled out of bed sometime after lunch and headed out for some pasta.  Not surprisingly, my stomach was having none of it and it was a mission and a half just to force a little bit of food down.  This futile attempt at eating was followed by a return trip to bed where we spent the bulk of the day pondering the poor life decisions we had made the night before. 



Sums up our feelings for the day.



 

Only after dinner time were we able to finally collect ourselves enough to make a public appearance.  We had arranged to meet Amber, Amy and some others at Banyan Bar for dinner.  Colleen introduced Amber to the amazing world of poutines, and all the Canadianness that comes with it!  Contrary to the previous night, none of us  were really in the mood to drink as we were all pretty brain-sore from the night before. 

Back at the hotel , it was an early night for Colleen as she was going diving the next day.  Myself, well I did manage to get a couple of "hotel bed beers" into me before giving myself to the night.

~Brentski~

Day 91- Finding Out Your Friend Is Engaged While You're Sleeping Naked On The Toilet. All In A Day's Work.

Rising at some ungodly hour by vacation standards, Colleen set off for the dive shop on her own as she was heading out on an all day diving trip to Sail Rock.  Sail Rock is apparently the premier dive site in the Gulf of Thailand, although I sadly may never know for myself.  Single tear.  With the woman out of my hair for the second straight day in a row(!), I decided to do what I do best: sleep.  Sometime, a few hours later I eventually worked enough energy to decide that I was going to go for a lengthy walk to the next beach over, Mae Haad.  I quickly concluded that my plan from the previous day of just sitting inside and watching TV was the much smarter thing to do.  Between the sweltering tropical heat and my fat ass, it was a born recipe for lots of drink breaks and much panting.  Somehow I made it back to Sairee Beach (where we were staying) and rewarded myself for the excellent workout by promptly packing on all the calories I had just lost and then some!



Colleen and her Sail Rock crew. We can only assume I was still sleeping at this point.



My fair lady made it back around dinner time and she was a little bummed out because the underwater visibility that day was garbage and she didn't get to see as much marine life as she had hope for.  Oh well, nothing like a little alcohol to wash the pains of a disappointing dive day away!  With that we headed back to old faithful, Chopper's Bar and Grill, as there was a big shindig there with lots of the people Colleen had been diving with that day.  Our buddy Prat was there, my lifesaver Amber, as well as Colleen's new friend Amy she had met diving that day.  After slamming a few drinks there, we moved on to Banyan Bar, an outdoor bar (see hut with some picnic tables setup) that is a spot where many of the dive instructors and such hangout.  This was complimented by some beers and a few servings of a mixed drink called a "tight bastard" which I still have no idea what it is.  I can safely say this was the beginning of the end for us. 



Amber, myself, Colleen, and Amy.  If only I had stopped there.



 

From there, we somehow got dragged into going to Maya Beach Club, another one of the island's fine drinking establishments.  It was around this time that things started to get a little fuzzy and all I remember was me dropping beer bottles (and naturally walking away as if I had nothing to do with it) and Colleen professing her love for all those around her.  Class act we are.  Apparently the party didn't stop there for us, and we hit up another club, Fish Bowl, and then visited our buddy from a couple of nights earlier, the "Pancake Man".  I'd be lying to you if I said I remembered any of this.

Later that night back at the hotel (we shall assume Colleen carried me back there), I decided to strip down to my birthday suit and take advantage of our expansive bathroom.  The only problem was I fell asleep on the can.  While I was catching some much needed zzzzz's, Colleen logged on to her Facebook and discovered that one of my good friends, Derek Simpson, had just gotten engaged.  I no doubt promptly went back to sleep in all my naked gloriousness on my porcelain perch and instantly forgot about it.

~Brentski~

Follow-up:  When I woke up (in my bed FYI[!]) the next morning I remember wondering to myself if in fact Derek had gotten engaged.  I wasn't sure if I was dreaming our not, as my mental skills were beyond non-existent by the end of the previous night.  It was true, he was engaged and he is now married to his lovely wife Vanessa.  I hope she keeps a shorter leash on him than Colleen does on me!

Day 90- Bed And Beers. My Two Favorite Things.

Following our my rough night before and being the old man that I am now becoming, I caught up on my beauty sleep before we headed down to the hotel's restaurant for our typically crappy Thai breakfast buffet.  With my stomach full of complimentary breakfast sausage, I walked Colleen up to the Roctopus Dive shop as she was going out to do some fun dives that afternoon.  There were lots of familiar faces there, but sadly due to my popped ear drum, the shower in my hotel room was the closest thing I was going to get to aquatic activities these days. 

While Colleen was out having fun, I spent the afternoon lazing about on the internet and watching a crap load of TV.  In fact, I think since we first left North America a couple of months prior, this was the longest stretch of time Colleen and I had been apart.  And this was how I chose to maximize my "alone time", by watching a Bering Sea Gold marathon.  I disgust myself sometimes.

Colleen returned around dinner time and we decided it was best if we took it easy as she had an early morning the next day courtesy of on an all day diving trip.  This translated to me laying in bed all night drinking beers and watching Discovery Channel and National Geographic Channel while Colleen snored like a boss.  The glamorous lives we live!

~Brentski~



This cat was the high point of my day. I call him "white storefront cat who thinks he is a dog who looks like Grumpy Cat".  Catchy name if I say so myself.



Day 89- Back To Koh Tao For The Ladyboy Cabaret. Oh, And To Do Some Diving Eventually.

 

Mercifully our overnight bus ride from hell came to an end around 3am as we were unceremoniously dropped off in some random parking lot in the town of Chumphon.  The one major problem was that we were a good 15 kilometers from where we were told we would be dropped off at the ferry terminal.  The American guy from the bus (the guy banging back Valiums) kept arguing with the bus driver and telling him that we were supposed to be get dropped off at the pier, but alas his argument fell on deaf ears.  Rather conveniently there were a couple of cabs waiting for us in the parking lot, which seemed just a tad bit suspicious seeing as how it was 3am in the morning.  I'm sure the bus driver had a little deal with the cabbies going, but hey who the hell am I to judge some scam artists trying to make a buck.  Eventually we bartered a group rate with one of the cabbies who drove us in the back of his pickup truck down to the pier for 50 baht (under $2 each). 

As if our travel day had not been long enough, we still had over three hours to kill before the ferry would be departing to Koh Tao.  While we did our best to sleep at the decrepit ferry terminal, it was really difficult as there were backpackers/travelers laying everywhere and cockroaches running around like they were thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby.  Alas, I passed the hours talking to Captain America about his time as a fisherman in Alaska.  With the amount of pills he had popped that night though there was a good chance he didn't remember a word he said to me and I wasn't even sure how the hell he was still conscious.

Boarding the ferry was a great feeling as it was the home stretch before we made it back to Koh Tao.  Our reason for returning was that Colleen really, really, really wanted to do some more diving before we left and she had a minor love affair with the island.  Better an island than another man I suppose.  Colleen had also gotten wind that one of her friends from Kamloops, Ashley, would probably be on the island at the same time as us.  Well low and behold, who did she run into on the ferry?  Hint: it wasn't Bilbo Baggins.  I was also happy to see that our heavily medicated bus mates' valium had finally caught up with him and he was now unconscious in front of the bathroom door.  While I found it entertaining, I am not too sure the people who had to use the shitter found it quite as enjoyable. 

Knowing what to expect this time around as we disembarked from our three hour boat ride, the sight of hundreds of cabbies trying to coddle you into their vehicles at the pier was not as overwhelming as before. Unlike on our last visit, this time we were able to find our resort's shuttle driver who dropped us off at our new home for the next few days, Simple Life Resort.  Since we couldn't check in yet, we headed out for some lunch before making our way over to Roctopus Dive to get Colleen registered for some scuba dives.  As mentioned, I could not dive due to my ear problem that I had encountered, although I'm sure everyone there just probably thought I was too chicken shit (see: a little bitch!). 



Colleen's lovin' the digs!





I got my own urinal.  Guess I can check that off my bucket list.



With the diving reservations all sorted, we headed back to the hotel to check out our new digs.  Unfortunately we didn't beat the pouring rain and by the time we made it to the hotel we were wetter than....(insert your own joke here).  On a positive note, we had paid a little more than we were used to in Thailand for a room, but boy was it worth it.  We had a huge room, an even bigger bathroom, and my favorite part, I had my own urinal!  That's when you know you have arrived in life: you have your own urinal.  Apparently the God of the Bathrooms felt it necessary for me to put the urinal to good use that afternoon after my multiple attempts at napping were rudely interrupted by my frequent urinations.  I could have sworn I had a bladder infection, but I'm told such things are extremely rare in men. 

To make up for spending our Valentine's Day in the back of a minivan the night before, Colleen and I went out to celebrate a day late.  We hit up a lovely little joint called Portobello, and it was definitely the cheapest Valentine's dinner I had ever had.  To eat at a "semi-fancy" restaurant with adult drinks included, our bill still only came to $25!  And that is why we love you Thailand.  After dinner we headed over to the slightly less romantic confines of Chopper's Bar and Grill.  There we met up with our old buddy Prat for a bit, before he buggered off (some people have to work in the morning) and left Colleen and I on our own.  Being the ever persuasive she-devil woman that she is, Colleen convinced me that we should head over to check out the ladyboy cabaret.  I figured it couldn't hurt (as long as I didn't get left alone) and the next thing I knew we were sitting on the front row of a cabaret show with a bunch of dudes dressed in women's clothes.  As I have mentioned in previous posts, some of the ladyboys in Thailand are actually not that bad looking (all things considered) and it is pretty easy to see how many a drunk tourists "accidentally" end up taking home someone with a surprise package in their pants.  Having said that, many of them are just straight up ugly, and have about as good chance of being identified as a woman as Chyna from WWE.  We stuck it out at the cabaret show for a while, and lasted right to the end of the show when they all popped their shirts off as part of the grand finale.  This was extra fascinating as some of them had actual breast augmentation while others just simply strutted around in padded bras and were as flat as a six-year old boy when the tops came off.  All of them appeared to "tape" their junk (use your imagination)...that is unless they  had some heavy duty surgery.  I wasn't about to ask.  

Ladies...or men...lookin' good!

Hubba hubba.

Sweet dance moves.

Not sure who is photobombing who here.

Colleen and I with one of the surgically enhanced "ladies".

Colleen making new friends.

On our way back to the hotel from the show, we encountered a group of young drunk males, and low and behold one of them was trying to pick up a ladyboy.  At first the guy didn't realize what he was doing, and then all of a sudden he yelled, "those are dudes!!!".  Classic.   By this point I myself was pretty intoxicated and felt a visit to the Youtube sensation known as the "Pancake Man" was in order.  Yes, even Thailand now has their own online stars.  My drunkenness also led to me failing in the bushes outside our room as I attempted to go all stealth on some creature that was presumably hiding there and waiting to kill us.  Whatever it was, it survived, and provided Colleen with a good laugh at my expense.

The "Pancake Man" in action.



~Brentski~

Day 88- All I Got For Valentine's Day Was Sexual Harassment In A Bus Station Bathroom.

Our final day of our week long sojourn through Malaysia was upon us.  We were supposed to be getting picked up around 4pm at our hotel by the minibus that would take us to Hat Yai,Thailand.  From there we would transfer to a bus and then on to a ferry the following morning which would take us back to Colleen's favorite spot, Koh Tao.  Since we had a few hours to kill, Colleen and I headed over to the local shopping mall, which in Malaysia consists of a huge 10-storey complex.  I must say, those Malaysians sure know how to build their retail centers.  There we had one last meal, complete with the terrible and unfriendly service we had come to know and love from the lovely wait staff in Malaysia. 

Seeing as how we still had a few hours to kill, we decided to partake in one of my favorite pastimes, bowling.  I'm not sure if I like it because I can consistently beat my girlfriend or because of it is classified as a sport and requires very little exertion, but either way  I DO LOVE BOWLING!  We ended up logging a solid four games, with my best stretch being four frames where I bowled two strikes followed by two spares.  I know, I'm a big fuckin' deal!



Why would Colleen let me leave our hotel dressed like this?





Born to bowl baby!



 

Once I felt I had adequately crushed Colleen's soul on the hardwood we went back to our hotel to catch our ride to Thailand.  There was only one problem: our ride was nowhere to be seen.  Once our ride hit the "half-an-hour late" mark we started to get a little worried that we either a) got ripped off, b) they forgot about us, or c) they were just running late (we were hoping it was the ladder).  After attempting to contact the travel agency by phone to no avail, I ran down the street in a panic to visit the he-she travel agent who had sold us the tickets the day before.  She (we'll assume that's what this person wants to be called) was able to get a hold of the driver who informed her that he was just running late as some of the passengers were having trouble getting their travel visas in order.  An hour-and-a-half after we were originally supposed to be picked up, our minibus eventually showed up.  While the driver hastily loaded our luggage I attempted to track down Colleen who was charging her IPhone somewhere in the hotel lobby.  The driver actually started to drive away without Colleen and I, but thankfully due to traffic I was able to track him down and tell him to wait 20 fucking seconds for me to gather my girlfriend.  It would have been a long walk to Thailand is all I can say.   

The majority of our minibus ride consisted of us having to listen to the guy beside us on his cell phone blab on-and-on to his buddy who had obviously been in a severe moped crash and was now having to fly back to Europe for medical care.  Sucks to be him.  So I guess I could officially stop bitching about my moped accident now.  Our official welcome back to Thailand consisted of the most chaotic border crossing I have ever seen.  All of the passengers in our vehicle had to get out and cross the border by foot.  Somehow despite the mass confusion and thousands of people everywhere all of the passengers made it back to the vehicle and we motored on the rest of the way to Hat Yai.

Hat Yai is a city in southern Thailand that acts as a major transportation hub for the region.  Once here, we were dropped off at the bus terminal and the passengers all went their respective ways.  Colleen and I loaded up on snacks for our impending all night bus ride and shortly before we were scheduled to leave I decided to visit the men's room for a quick urination.  Since it was late at night the sprawling bathroom was empty, and there was probably space for 70 or 80 dudes to piss at the same time if they wanted to.  As I was standing at the trough-style urinal relieving myself in the empty bathroom, a young Thai dude in his early twenties entered and proceeded to come and stand right next to me (like shoulder to shoulder!).  He came up right beside me, peered over my shoulder, and locked his eyes on my package.  I wasn't sure whether to be flattered or frightened, but from the now joyous look on the young man's face he was clearly enjoying himself.  I quickly tried to finish my piss, although I am pretty sure I got a large amount of urine on my clothes.  I bolted out of the bathroom and ran the hundred or so yards to where Colleen was waiting and explained to her how Brent Junior had just been violated by the prying eyes of a bus stop pervert.  It was safe to say it was the most bizarre "romantic" gesture anyone had ever bestowed upon me on a Valentine's Day.

Attempting to put my traumatic life experience behind me, we boarded the bus and prayed that the Male Body Inspector was not on our bus.  Check.  What we ended up with instead were a Swiss and American guy right behind us.  The Swiss guy was determined to get drunk and the American was popping generic Valiums like they were going to expire any minute.  Rather nonchalantly  he offered Colleen and I some of his magic pills, but alas we decided that we didn't need to develop any new habits.  The bus itself was quite old and the seats were terribly uncomfortable.  Factor in that Colleen had some inconsiderate broad in front of her who decided to put her seat ALL THE WAY BACK and you have a recipe for a long, sleepless night.  The bus' overhead air conditioning system also happened to be leaking in a bunch of random spots and at one point the Swiss dude woke up from his drunken slumber to discover that he was covered in water!  The bathroom on the bus was also a nightmare as it was so small  that I couldn't figure out how to crouch inside and take a piss at the same time.  Factor in that the bus was shaking quite a bit and you can guess where the majority of my fluids ended up.  I'll give you a hint: my clothes.

All of these glorious factors piled on top of one another eventually led Colleen and I to start getting a little snappy with one another and it is safe to say, while it wasn't the most romantic Valentine's Day, it was one we were never going to forget!

~Brentski~

Day 87- Have No Fear People: The Lost Art Of Scrotum Taping Is Alive And Well In Malaysia.

Never ones to unnecessarily wake up early, Colleen and I slept in yet again before heading down to the hotel restaurant for lunch.  Not surprisingly the restaurant clientele consisted of the two of us and 500 Chinese tourists.  How the two of us were not yet fluent in Mandarin I do not know.

Having visited most of the city's main tourist spots the day before, the one feather in our cap we were missing was a tour at the "Cheong Fatt Tze Mansion".  I know, sounds exciting.  Colleen and I showed up at said mansion for the lunchtime tour expecting there to be a handful of people.  Instead, we were greeted by a group of over 100 people.  It just goes to show the power that Lonely Planet travel guides have and how if they decide you are one of the "top ten mansions in the world" the masses will follow.  The tour itself was pretty unspectacular, as we had one tour guide for the entire group trying to yell over everyone with no microphone or voice amplification system.  Colleen and I both lost interest pretty quickly and before we knew it we were wandering off from the tour group and taking silly pictures in an attempt to entertain ourselves.  Eventually even this got too tedious and we decided to just walk out on the tour.  Problem solved.



All it takes is a Lonely Planet recommendation and BOOM! your boring attraction is a hit.



Let's just take selfies instead.



Clearly I was loving the tour. My eyes say it all.

Free from the mansion, we headed back to our hotel to attempt to map out the next day's travel plans (but not before we stopped off at...Subway of course).  Our plan was to head back to Koh Tao (the diving island) in Thailand as Colleen really wanted to get in some more diving before heading to Canada the following week.  Due to the Chinese New Year, all of the flights and more desirable travel arrangements were sold out or out of our price range so we headed down the street to the local travel agency.  While the shop had some very attractive prices in their windows, inside I was greeted by possibly the ugliest he-she (see: transsexual, ladyboy, etc) I had ever seen.  In the last couple of months I had seen my fair share of men who now "identified" themselves as women, and to be honest some of them weren't that bad looking.  I mean shit, you pump enough drinks in to someone and it's not surprising that you are constantly hearing stories of foreign men who pick up "women" at the bar and take them home only to discover that they are packing some taped up heat in their thongs.  Anyways, no amount of drinks was going to make this boy pretty, but at least he, or should I say she, found us a good deal for the next day.  For $55 each we would have to take a 4 hour ride in a minibus (large van), followed by an 8 hour overnight bus ride, and then finally a 2.5 hour ferry ride before arriving in Koh Tao.  Not exactly ideal, but hey it would get us there.



A final addition to our collection of pictures of Penang's spectacular street art.



In preparation for our big journey the next day, we spent our last and third consecutive night at the Red Garden Food Paradise.  It was pouring rain all night so we took refuge there and just enjoyed the good, cheap food and beer.  To top it off, we got the best service we had had in Malaysia at the only place that wasn't charging an automatic service charge.  Hell, the guy sweeping the floors even stopped to fill my beer glass for me!  Now that's service. 

I spent my last night in Malaysia watching "Armageddon" back in the hotel room, a sure sign of what the  next day was going to feel like with all of the less-than-first-class-travelling that awaited us.

~Brentski~