So Leeanna and I are now entering our third week of living in our one room apartment and no one is dead yet, although I have on occasion heard her mumbling to herself in her sleep. She keeps saying something about a plastic bag and head and strangulation and my name all in the same sentence. Must be preparing for a magic trick or something; beats me. Anyways, in the last few weeks I have learned quite a bit about myself and my surroundings here in Australia. In actuality I haven’t really learned anything but have “noticed” some things.
1) First and foremost I can’t for the life of me figure out why Burger King is called Hungry Jack’s. It truly is mind-boggling. To my understanding, Burger King is called BURGER KING everywhere in the world, even in New Zealand which you could practically hit with a cricket ball from Australia if you were so inclined. Blows my fuckin’ mind, really does.
2)Which brings me to possibly the worst pastime this side of Crazy Bones and POGS; cricket. Most of the other popular sports in this country I can at least take an acute interest in such as rugby, Aussie Rules, and surfing, but for the life of me I just can’t get into cricket. From what I can tell the matches go on for days at a time and none of the parties involved ever seem too enthralled by the “sport” to which they are partaking in. I mean I wake up in the morning and cricket is on and when I go to bed that night, the same game is still on TV.
3)Because of the large number of tourists here, no one seems to know what side of the sidewalk to walk on. It is generally accepted that in most countries you walk on the right, although here it is opposite, just as the driving is. This seems to be lost on a good percentage of the humanoids around here and I always seem to find myself swerving all over the sidewalk like some kind of drunken monkey.
4)Beer prices here are atrocious. For starters, at the majority of the liquor stores in the city you can’t get most of the beers in anything larger than a 6-pack. Maybe it’s just a North American thing, but isn’t it easier to buy beer in cases of 24 or 30? Generally for an average lower-priced beer it costs about $16 for 6 beers. If they are available in 24s, the cheapest you are generally going to find them for is about $46. True fact: I was at the store tonight and observed that a 6-pack of Corona costs about $25. Shit, for that price they should include a high-class hooker that cuts your lemon wedges in a thong bikini and gets them into the bottle using only her tongue with her hands tied behind her back.
5)In relation to the above fact, I have noticed that I am starting to get fat. I am not sure how this is, as I walk everywhere and generally heal-toe it a few kilometers per day. I am developing what the mean kids in school used to call “bitch tits”. Guess I better stop eating tacos for dinner every other night. Yeah, that and stop drinking. Might adopt a little African orphan while I’m at it.
6)Having travelled to a variety of large cities both in North America and Europe, I have seen my fair share of homeless-people-with-crazy-drug-dependencies-who-need-to-groom-and-smell-like-my-sister’s-feet, but Melbourne takes the cake. The homeless people here seem to be just fucked right of their tree for the most part and often provide Leeanna and I with some humor/fright on our walks later in the evening. My personal favorite was the other night in Hungry Jack’s. The one homeless dude who smelled like a defecated on raccoon had a green toenail that had to be about 3-inches long. On top of this, he could barely stand-up and right after he got his burger went out and took a snooze on the sidewalk.
7)Television has become a large part of my life due to all my free time. As previously mentioned (even though no one reads this), we only get four channels so I have had time to observe the same shows over and over. One weird thing is how all the big morning shows intersperse infomercials with their regular programming. It’s like watching Good Morning America or Canada AM with 50% of the show talking about the Sham-Wow and Snuggies. This can be super-irritating when you’re trying to consume your Coco Puffs and OJ. Also, the number of wildlife shows on TV here is simply staggering. Needless to say, I am very well informed on such things as emus and rare mountain kangaroos. If anyone wants to know what to do when your pet koala has cancer I can direct you to a good vet. Lastly on the tele front, some shows I have rather started to enjoy that I wasn’t into that much before I left home include Californication, Parks and Recreation, The Office, and How I Met Your Mother. The ladder is a really big hit with me and the lady friend.
8)And one final note: I cannot get over how many Asians there are in Melbourne! I don’t mean this in a racist way, just more of a shocked kind of way. The Chinese and Indian communities here are borderline overwhelming. I don’t think there is a non-Chinese student in any of the universities in the city center. In fact, when we went to the movies last night, I was half expecting them to start dubbing it in Mandarin. What, I’m just sayin’! On that note, if there are any big-time fans of Indian or Chinese cuisine, this is a must visit city for you. Or if you’re lazy, you can just take a walk a through my apartment building and get all the smells from Beijing to New Delhi.
Until next time, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And remember, stay classy and don’t drink and drive. Until next time, cheers!
~Brent~
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009- How Someone Survived Two Years With Me I Will Never Know
The 2nd of December is a day I am not allowed to forget as I might be subject to such things as female-on-male violence or getting my testicles chopped off. Judging by that, you can guess it was my second year anniversary to my lovely girlfriend Leeanna, who in actuality has not committed an act of violence against me in quite some time. Anyways, to get back on track with my tall tales here, we arrived by bus into Melbourne at about 7am after a lovely 12 hour voyage that involved some guy talking very loudly on his cell phone for a long time, a Matthew McConaughey movie, and no one getting their head-chopped off a la Greyhound (sorry I just had to). Upon landing in our new city, we tried for over an hour to figure out what tram we should take to get to our hostel. We never did figure it out correctly, but we got there through a solid combination of smarts and prostitution. After dropping our bags off at our hostel (Victoria Hall [7.5/10]), we took a stroll through the city to get our bearings in what we were hoping would be our future home. We went for quite the walkabout and took in such sights as Federation Square, Rod Laver Arena (tennis, Australian Open), the Melbourne Cricket Grounds, and other stuff that I’m sure no one cares about. As we were sitting on a bench enjoying the sunshine that afternoon, a little birdy decided to give me an anniversary present in the form of a big shit on my shoulder. Leeanna was quite amused as I tried to claim back my now defecated on shirt. That night we went out for dinner to a place called Mama Parma’s and had what is apparently a Melbourne signature dish, the parma. It is basically just breaded chicken or veal that is then topped with a variety of pizza-style toppings. It was quite delicious, although we could not even eat half of it and apparently there is a law in the state of Victoria that does not allow you to take home your leftovers. So sad! Apparently this is due to a lawsuit a few years ago, something I figured would have happened long ago in the United States.
Thursday, after much deliberation and really no research we decided that we were going to make Melbourne our temporary home for the next 3 months. We spent a good part of the day browsing the internet for apartments with not much luck, as most realtors are not willing to let you sign a rent contract for anything less than 6 months. We ended up going to look at one apartment that was located right in the heart of the city and was priced right at about $1200 a month fully furnished. Naturally the apartment was a super-tiny 180 square feet. We told the agent we would give him a call back about his shoebox. For a nightcap, the wife and I headed over to the Ed Hardy Bowling Center (this country seems to rather enjoy Jon Gosselin’s brand of choice) to do some stylish 10 pin bowling. Unfortunately they were full though, and we ended up going to a very similar joint around the corner called Striker Bowling. It was equally chic, with a nice bar, nice lanes, and a great atmosphere. I guess bowling is a lot cooler here than back home. Following our sad attempt at recreating “Kingpin”, we headed back to the hostel to the theatre room and started to watch “Hancock”. In short, the movie sucked and we went to bed.
The next morning it was much of the same, as we perused the internet for apartments and made some calls. We didn’t have much luck, but decided to go and check out one place later in the day. Before that we went over to the Melbourne Gaol (jail, to us Yanks) which was located directly across from our hostel. It is actually one of the top tourist draws in the whole country. It is the oldest jail in Victoria, and has been home to its fair share of top-notch criminals. Amongst those, by far the most well known is Ned Kelly, the Outback Outlaw, who has been portrayed in movies by none other than Heath Ledger and the world’s ugliest man, Mick Jagger. At our apartment viewing, there were a shit-ton of people there, and although we liked the apartment, figured we didn’t have a chance as foreigners and just decided to give up on it. After much discussion about whether or not we wanted to live in a share-house or just get our own pad that would be significantly smaller and danker, we decided on the latter. Luckily (or maybe unluckily!), the first apartment we had viewed was still available and we agreed to meet the realtor to get the paperwork done. As night fell we went out for a nice Friday night sidewalk pasta dinner and stroll through the downtown district before retiring to our ultra-noisy hostel room. Gotta love paper thin windows and walls when you’re located on a busy thoroughfare!
Saturday the 5th of December, 2009 shall officially go down in history as the day that Brent Moreau signed his first real estate papers (aren’t you proud Mom and Dad?). Prior to our meeting with the real estate agent, we headed over to the Melbourne Museum which is apparently the largest museum in the southern hemisphere. I have noticed that things in Australia love to claim they are “the largest in the southern hemisphere”. It was very similar to the Royal Ontario Museum, although it was cheaper to get in ($8) and was much more advanced technologically with regards to interactive exhibits, etc. At 2pm we headed over to OzAsia (no joke) Realty to sign the papers for our big 3 month lease. Everything went okay and we were now the proud renters of 180 square feet on the 14th floor of an old building at the corners of Flinders and Spencer Streets. Our “fully-furnished” apartment consisted of a small bathroom, a futon that doubles as a double bed, a 13” TV with 4 channels, a table that doubles as the TV stand, 2 folding chairs, a small wardrobe, and the world’s smallest kitchenette that includes a microwave, mini-fridge, sink, and minimal cutlery. That’s it folks! Oh, and I did I mention that it is 180 square feet including the bathroom? Haha! That afternoon, Leeanna and I did our first ever domestic shopping for such exciting things as cleaning products, pillows, sheets, and tea towels! We were able to equip or shoebox for under $100 and celebrated by eating Subway yet again for dinner. That night to break in our new place we watched the epic film “Titanic” that was airing on one of our 4 channels. And no, this is not a joke!
Sunday marked another first: the first time I ever grocery shopped with the intent of my long-term consumption in my mind. Now I know why my Mom bitches about how much food we eat. One of the things I have yet to figure out is why produce costs so much in Australia when everything is grown here. Our afternoon consisted of a nice walk along the river which is a minute from our apartment and a stroll through the Crown Casino to check out the facilities (you can guess where this is going). After some delicious gelato (Italian ice cream for those of you who are less cultured) we returned to catch the last bit of the Australian Open golf event on TV. That night I was unfortunately itching to go gambling, as I now literally lived not even 5 minutes from the Crown Casino poker room. Unfortunately things did not go as planned (never do lately) and I lost $500 in the course of about 3.5 hours playing 2/3 No Limit Hold’em and 10/20 Limit Omaha. I have concluded that I just really suck at poker now. I have gone from a few years ago being a fairly successful (and profitable) low/mid-limit player to a bad, losing player with no confidence in my game. I’m like a horse that’s too old to race; I need to be taken out to pasture and shot. That might be a bit harsh but you get the idea.
Today (Monday, the 7th of December), shall be my last official daily entry for a while, as we are now settled down in our apartment and shall attempt to live a somewhat normal life for a while. Bank accounts and tax file (same as SIN numbers in Canada) were the order of business today! I will post weekly updates of what’s happening Down Under with Leeanna and I, as well as my thoughts and opinions on the culture or lack thereof. Again, thank you to everyone who reads and stay classy!
Thursday, after much deliberation and really no research we decided that we were going to make Melbourne our temporary home for the next 3 months. We spent a good part of the day browsing the internet for apartments with not much luck, as most realtors are not willing to let you sign a rent contract for anything less than 6 months. We ended up going to look at one apartment that was located right in the heart of the city and was priced right at about $1200 a month fully furnished. Naturally the apartment was a super-tiny 180 square feet. We told the agent we would give him a call back about his shoebox. For a nightcap, the wife and I headed over to the Ed Hardy Bowling Center (this country seems to rather enjoy Jon Gosselin’s brand of choice) to do some stylish 10 pin bowling. Unfortunately they were full though, and we ended up going to a very similar joint around the corner called Striker Bowling. It was equally chic, with a nice bar, nice lanes, and a great atmosphere. I guess bowling is a lot cooler here than back home. Following our sad attempt at recreating “Kingpin”, we headed back to the hostel to the theatre room and started to watch “Hancock”. In short, the movie sucked and we went to bed.
The next morning it was much of the same, as we perused the internet for apartments and made some calls. We didn’t have much luck, but decided to go and check out one place later in the day. Before that we went over to the Melbourne Gaol (jail, to us Yanks) which was located directly across from our hostel. It is actually one of the top tourist draws in the whole country. It is the oldest jail in Victoria, and has been home to its fair share of top-notch criminals. Amongst those, by far the most well known is Ned Kelly, the Outback Outlaw, who has been portrayed in movies by none other than Heath Ledger and the world’s ugliest man, Mick Jagger. At our apartment viewing, there were a shit-ton of people there, and although we liked the apartment, figured we didn’t have a chance as foreigners and just decided to give up on it. After much discussion about whether or not we wanted to live in a share-house or just get our own pad that would be significantly smaller and danker, we decided on the latter. Luckily (or maybe unluckily!), the first apartment we had viewed was still available and we agreed to meet the realtor to get the paperwork done. As night fell we went out for a nice Friday night sidewalk pasta dinner and stroll through the downtown district before retiring to our ultra-noisy hostel room. Gotta love paper thin windows and walls when you’re located on a busy thoroughfare!
Saturday the 5th of December, 2009 shall officially go down in history as the day that Brent Moreau signed his first real estate papers (aren’t you proud Mom and Dad?). Prior to our meeting with the real estate agent, we headed over to the Melbourne Museum which is apparently the largest museum in the southern hemisphere. I have noticed that things in Australia love to claim they are “the largest in the southern hemisphere”. It was very similar to the Royal Ontario Museum, although it was cheaper to get in ($8) and was much more advanced technologically with regards to interactive exhibits, etc. At 2pm we headed over to OzAsia (no joke) Realty to sign the papers for our big 3 month lease. Everything went okay and we were now the proud renters of 180 square feet on the 14th floor of an old building at the corners of Flinders and Spencer Streets. Our “fully-furnished” apartment consisted of a small bathroom, a futon that doubles as a double bed, a 13” TV with 4 channels, a table that doubles as the TV stand, 2 folding chairs, a small wardrobe, and the world’s smallest kitchenette that includes a microwave, mini-fridge, sink, and minimal cutlery. That’s it folks! Oh, and I did I mention that it is 180 square feet including the bathroom? Haha! That afternoon, Leeanna and I did our first ever domestic shopping for such exciting things as cleaning products, pillows, sheets, and tea towels! We were able to equip or shoebox for under $100 and celebrated by eating Subway yet again for dinner. That night to break in our new place we watched the epic film “Titanic” that was airing on one of our 4 channels. And no, this is not a joke!
Sunday marked another first: the first time I ever grocery shopped with the intent of my long-term consumption in my mind. Now I know why my Mom bitches about how much food we eat. One of the things I have yet to figure out is why produce costs so much in Australia when everything is grown here. Our afternoon consisted of a nice walk along the river which is a minute from our apartment and a stroll through the Crown Casino to check out the facilities (you can guess where this is going). After some delicious gelato (Italian ice cream for those of you who are less cultured) we returned to catch the last bit of the Australian Open golf event on TV. That night I was unfortunately itching to go gambling, as I now literally lived not even 5 minutes from the Crown Casino poker room. Unfortunately things did not go as planned (never do lately) and I lost $500 in the course of about 3.5 hours playing 2/3 No Limit Hold’em and 10/20 Limit Omaha. I have concluded that I just really suck at poker now. I have gone from a few years ago being a fairly successful (and profitable) low/mid-limit player to a bad, losing player with no confidence in my game. I’m like a horse that’s too old to race; I need to be taken out to pasture and shot. That might be a bit harsh but you get the idea.
Today (Monday, the 7th of December), shall be my last official daily entry for a while, as we are now settled down in our apartment and shall attempt to live a somewhat normal life for a while. Bank accounts and tax file (same as SIN numbers in Canada) were the order of business today! I will post weekly updates of what’s happening Down Under with Leeanna and I, as well as my thoughts and opinions on the culture or lack thereof. Again, thank you to everyone who reads and stay classy!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009- Off To The Dunes To Break My Coccyx!
The next morning I awoke after a good night’s sleep (same can’t be said for Leeanna) and headed over to take a dump in the toilets. Sure enough, up in the rafters there were two possums watching me drop the Cosby kids off at the pool. I was fine with this until one of them started coming down the wall into the bathroom and almost fell. Want to talk about shitting yourself! That afternoon, the bird whisperer and I had an appointment to go sandboarding. The area we were staying in is home to the largest coastal sand dunes in the southern hemisphere. Sandboarding is basically tobogganing down a huge sand hill at a very high rate of speed. It was awesome good fun and reminded me of all the good times I had in my youth with my GT Snowracer. Our driver also took us offroading in the dunes and to the beaches to search for pippies aka giant clams. And for all you Napoleon Dynamite fans, unfortunately there were no broken coccyx’s occurred at the dunes. Geez! That afternoon in my ass backwards kind of way of doing things we drove back north through Port Macquaire and all the way up to Coff’s Harbour (7 hours north of Sydney). We arrived late at night so we just went out to grab a late night dinner at a small Italian restaurant. After this we went to one of the local pubs to grab a few brews around 9pm. Leeanna started talking to this guy who was the lead in the local theatre production of Oliver and then one thing led to another and we were hanging out with the whole cast and crew. Well when it came time to shut the bar down around midnight, we were given permission to stay and drink all night/morning after hours. We ended up partying with the drama freaks (awesome group of Aussie’s actually!) until about 4:30am and then stumbled back to the hostel. It was around this time that I could not remember (was too shit-canned ) the combination to get into the hostel (Aussitel Backpackers [7/10]) and tried breaking in through the pool entrance. When all else failed, we waited for someone eating an early morning snack to let us in. Biggest shit show of life!
Saturday was a complete write-off as we were both about as hung over as Kirstie Alley after an all-night post-Jenny Craig binge. We didn’t get out of bed until the mid-afternoon, and the most productive thing I did before the dinner hour was take a 15 minute swim in the pool. For supper/breakfast we grabbed some Subway (they are making a killing off of Leeanna and I on this vacation) and then headed over to Park Beach to watch the sunset, which judging by all the cars is a very popular pastime in the area. Yes, and for those of you wondering I’m going to start writing romance novels very, very soon.
So we arrive at Sunday the 29th of November, almost two weeks since I left home and I haven’t been killed by any oversized insects or my girlfriend for that matter. This morning we packed up our belongings into our rented Corolla, programmed Susan and headed about 45 minutes inland to the small town of Bellingen and another hostel (Bellingen YHA 8/10). We came to this town because of its proximity to Dorrigo National Park, which is home to some of the most accessible rainforest trails in the world. Leeanna agreed to hike some of the trails with me today, although she said this was the last of our nature walks. I agreed because I’m a big pussy, but I still had the last laugh as I made her struggle up some quality hills. As far as free attractions go it was definitely an amazing thing to see, although I would have really liked to see a python. All I saw was stupid wild turkeys and lizards that look like small snakes (see: skinks). Leeanna the domestic goddess that she is made me my first home cooked meal in a while, Old El Paso tacos. God bless cheese and ground beef! And then I visited the bathroom.
Monday, was to put it bluntly a pretty much nothing day. It was our last day with our rented car, and instead of going somewhere new for the night we decided that we would just be lazy and chill in the happenin’ town of Bellingen for. I did nothing all day, except for browse the internet and watch this giant lizard roam around the property that apparently lives in the tree close by. The highlight of my day was for sure going shopping and buying lasagna at IGA for dinner. The night consisted of sitting around, drinking, and playing stupid games involving sports teams and the alphabet with a couple of English guys that I could barely understand. Exciting, I know.
So now, the 1st of December has arrived, and well there’s no snow and it’s warm out. Sorry to rub it in folks! Our car was due back in Sydney at 1pm, so we awoke bright and early around 6am so that we could hit the road by 7 and hopefully make it back on time. Naturally, I was brutally tired the whole drive, as vacationing is a very tough job! I ended up having to pull over a total of 3 times, once for a solid nap and because of this we ended up not getting back into the city until after 2pm. This inevitably led to late fee on the car and proof once again that I fatigue more easily than anyone this side of Eddie Murphy in a fat suit. The previous day we had looked at the comparative cost of flying to Melbourne and taking an overnight bus. In the end, we decided to take an overnight bus as it was a bit cheaper and would give us the chance to bond (oh and not pay for a hostel for one night). While we waited for our bus to depart we just hung around in Sydney, and did what we do best, eat crappy food and surf the internet. Our bus departed at 7pm and was scheduled to arrive in Melbourne the next morning at 7am. Judging by the people waiting for the bus, I must still assume that only crazies, drunks, and poor folks (students, backpackers, welfare cases, etc) use this form of transit outside of major urban centres.
Saturday was a complete write-off as we were both about as hung over as Kirstie Alley after an all-night post-Jenny Craig binge. We didn’t get out of bed until the mid-afternoon, and the most productive thing I did before the dinner hour was take a 15 minute swim in the pool. For supper/breakfast we grabbed some Subway (they are making a killing off of Leeanna and I on this vacation) and then headed over to Park Beach to watch the sunset, which judging by all the cars is a very popular pastime in the area. Yes, and for those of you wondering I’m going to start writing romance novels very, very soon.
So we arrive at Sunday the 29th of November, almost two weeks since I left home and I haven’t been killed by any oversized insects or my girlfriend for that matter. This morning we packed up our belongings into our rented Corolla, programmed Susan and headed about 45 minutes inland to the small town of Bellingen and another hostel (Bellingen YHA 8/10). We came to this town because of its proximity to Dorrigo National Park, which is home to some of the most accessible rainforest trails in the world. Leeanna agreed to hike some of the trails with me today, although she said this was the last of our nature walks. I agreed because I’m a big pussy, but I still had the last laugh as I made her struggle up some quality hills. As far as free attractions go it was definitely an amazing thing to see, although I would have really liked to see a python. All I saw was stupid wild turkeys and lizards that look like small snakes (see: skinks). Leeanna the domestic goddess that she is made me my first home cooked meal in a while, Old El Paso tacos. God bless cheese and ground beef! And then I visited the bathroom.
Monday, was to put it bluntly a pretty much nothing day. It was our last day with our rented car, and instead of going somewhere new for the night we decided that we would just be lazy and chill in the happenin’ town of Bellingen for. I did nothing all day, except for browse the internet and watch this giant lizard roam around the property that apparently lives in the tree close by. The highlight of my day was for sure going shopping and buying lasagna at IGA for dinner. The night consisted of sitting around, drinking, and playing stupid games involving sports teams and the alphabet with a couple of English guys that I could barely understand. Exciting, I know.
So now, the 1st of December has arrived, and well there’s no snow and it’s warm out. Sorry to rub it in folks! Our car was due back in Sydney at 1pm, so we awoke bright and early around 6am so that we could hit the road by 7 and hopefully make it back on time. Naturally, I was brutally tired the whole drive, as vacationing is a very tough job! I ended up having to pull over a total of 3 times, once for a solid nap and because of this we ended up not getting back into the city until after 2pm. This inevitably led to late fee on the car and proof once again that I fatigue more easily than anyone this side of Eddie Murphy in a fat suit. The previous day we had looked at the comparative cost of flying to Melbourne and taking an overnight bus. In the end, we decided to take an overnight bus as it was a bit cheaper and would give us the chance to bond (oh and not pay for a hostel for one night). While we waited for our bus to depart we just hung around in Sydney, and did what we do best, eat crappy food and surf the internet. Our bus departed at 7pm and was scheduled to arrive in Melbourne the next morning at 7am. Judging by the people waiting for the bus, I must still assume that only crazies, drunks, and poor folks (students, backpackers, welfare cases, etc) use this form of transit outside of major urban centres.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009- I'll Do One Koala Burger!...Or Not!
The next day I woke up on the floor in my room, with puke on my sleeve and the worst hangover on my mind. I am pretty sure I was still drunk as I made my way to the shower and eventually lugged my ass to the train station. The wifey and I caught a train to Katoomba in the Blue Mountains which is a couple of hours outside of Sydney. We checked into our hostel (The Flying Fox [5.5/10]) which was full of hippies and gypsies. After some rest, we took to the town to partake in some very Australian activities such as eating Domino’s Pizza and shopping at K-Mart. I know, we are very exotic! That night while I was taking a quick stroll through town on my own around 11pm or so, I came back to the hostel to find a bunch of people out front. After asking Leeanna what was up, it was revealed that some big fat greasy pervert/thief was going up to the windows and peeping in or maybe trying to steal stuff. Good times all around.
Monday we arose bright and early as we were rip-roaring ready to go and take in all the sights of the Blue Mountains. We headed down to the shop to buy our tickets for the hop-on-hop-off trolley, only to find out that it would be raining all day and the entire region was covered in the thickest fog this side of I Know What You Did Last Summer. Regardless, we boarded the bus with all the camera-happy Asians who insisted on pissing the driver off with their questions and demands about where and what to see. It was like watching a really bad game of broken telephone. Leeanna and I ended up hiking a few trails in the rain and trying to see The Three Sisters, although it was mostly a waste of time, as none of the pictures turned out and we couldn’t see shit. After the disappointment of The Three Sisters, we headed over to Scenic World, where we took a ride on the world’s steepest train down into the rainforest. After strolling through the rainforest at the bottom and getting even wetter, we took a ride back up on a cable car that cut through all these mountains. Only problem was it was so foggy it seemed as though the cable car was taking me on a one way trip to heaven through the clouds, which I knew was in fact not true as I am clearly going to hell along with Dustin Diamond and Milli from Milli and Vanilli. Although we didn’t get to see much, I know from the overpriced postcards I saw that this area is definitely worth checking out if the weather is right.
So after we awoke from the second sleepless night in our hostel (room was too quiet/no fan, outside was noisy/train goes by the hostel and rattles the fuckin’ thing numerous times a night) we took the train back into Sydney where we had arranged to rent a car. This may seem like no biggy, except for the fact that in Australia they drive on the other side of the road and outside of the major downtowns most traffic lights are replaced by roundabouts. To combat this, the rental company charges foreign drivers an extra $5 a day (guess we suck at this opposite driving thing). With no idea what we were doing, we loaded our gear into our rented ’09 Corolla and told the GPS to take us 400km north to the coastal town of Port Macquaire. I don’t know about you, but if I’m learning to drive in a new country, nothing does it better than a 5 hour drive in the rain when you’re tired. At first, I was really scared and hit a couple of curbs, but now other than the occasional guy giving me the “fuck-off” sign in a roundabout I seem to have mastered the art of driving on the other side. I must say though that without my friend Susan (yes my GPS has a name) I would be totally up shit creek. After arriving and checking in at our hostel (Ozzie Pozzie Backpackers [8.5/10]), we did a whole lot of nothing. That night, the owners had a BBQ with all-you-can-eat sausage which I took full advantage of. It took Leeanna a little longer to warm up to the sausages, as the resident senior prankster/lounger Phil told her that some of them were koala sausages that he obtained from the local koala hospital after the koalas died. Mmmm…tastes like chicken.
Up until Wednesday, we had really seen very little in the way of wildlife outside of a few dozen very large cockroaches and a few thousand flying-fox bats. That was all about to change very soon. First things first though, in the morning we went to the mall and purchased a mobile phone, which we figured would probably be a good thing to own considering we would be doing a lot of driving over the next week with Susan and the gang. Next stop was a nature walk through this massive park in the middle of town. At first all we saw were more flying-foxes, which quite frankly just aren’t what I think of when I think of Australian wildlife. But as we made our way through some eucalyptus trees we were fortunate enough to spot two koalas lounging in the same tree. Now I know I sound flaming gay when I say this but they have to be the cutest animals ever. Right up there with porcupines in my book. We managed to keep our animal sightings rolling and saw some turtles, exotic birds, and a big lizard on our walk through the forest. Next on our action-packed agenda was to head over to the koala hospital, but not before a visit to the driving range. It was a really bizarre driving range, as you drove the balls into water, but it was a really small pond so the only club you could use/they had was a pitching wedge. The pond had a bunch of targets on it that if you hit you could win prizes like a free dinner cruise, free bowling, $50 cash, etc. Long and short, Leeanna and I hit a combined zero targets. Following our Tiger Woods like performance, we headed over to the not-for-profit koala hospital. There, they had tons of koalas from all over the area that are rescued from things like dog attacks, forest fires, car accidents, etc. I really wanted to steal one, but thought better of it once I saw how sharp their claws were. After a lengthy romantic walk along the beach that night (I’m a regular Casanova what can I say), we headed to the local cinema to take in the flick New Moon. Not nearly as good as the first movie, but then again the fact that I was watching it in a theatre that looked like it may have been the first one ever built in Australia back in the 1700’s may have contributed to my overall review.
Thursday, we back-tracked down the eastern seaboard to an area known as Port Stephens and more specifically Nelson’s Bay. We stayed in one of the more unique hostels (Melaleuca Backpackers [8/10]) I have ever had the privilege of staying in. It was very outdoorsy and reminded me of a cross between a nature retreat and the Swiss Family Robinson set. The place had a domesticated kangaroo, domesticated wild birds (oxymoron, yes I know), dogs, possums, koalas, and I’m sure tons of other critters I don’t even want to think about! That afternoon we headed over to Nelson’s Bay and took a ferry to see the dolphins. The dolphins swam with our boat for a while, amazing me and all the little kids around me watching. I tried snapping about 15 pictures, but none of them turned out. Guess that’s what happens when you use an $80 camera to try and capture high speed porpoises. After our dolphin adventure we went out for dinner at Hog’s Breath Café before returning to the “country” hostel. Leeanna had a lot of trouble sleeping that night as she is paranoid about all of the different things that go bump in the night. Needless to say she came running into the room in the middle of the night and woke me up and told me that the birds had chased her into the bathroom and then things got worse in the toilet as there were two possums waiting for her in there. I’m pretty sure I just rolled over and went right back to sleep.
Monday we arose bright and early as we were rip-roaring ready to go and take in all the sights of the Blue Mountains. We headed down to the shop to buy our tickets for the hop-on-hop-off trolley, only to find out that it would be raining all day and the entire region was covered in the thickest fog this side of I Know What You Did Last Summer. Regardless, we boarded the bus with all the camera-happy Asians who insisted on pissing the driver off with their questions and demands about where and what to see. It was like watching a really bad game of broken telephone. Leeanna and I ended up hiking a few trails in the rain and trying to see The Three Sisters, although it was mostly a waste of time, as none of the pictures turned out and we couldn’t see shit. After the disappointment of The Three Sisters, we headed over to Scenic World, where we took a ride on the world’s steepest train down into the rainforest. After strolling through the rainforest at the bottom and getting even wetter, we took a ride back up on a cable car that cut through all these mountains. Only problem was it was so foggy it seemed as though the cable car was taking me on a one way trip to heaven through the clouds, which I knew was in fact not true as I am clearly going to hell along with Dustin Diamond and Milli from Milli and Vanilli. Although we didn’t get to see much, I know from the overpriced postcards I saw that this area is definitely worth checking out if the weather is right.
So after we awoke from the second sleepless night in our hostel (room was too quiet/no fan, outside was noisy/train goes by the hostel and rattles the fuckin’ thing numerous times a night) we took the train back into Sydney where we had arranged to rent a car. This may seem like no biggy, except for the fact that in Australia they drive on the other side of the road and outside of the major downtowns most traffic lights are replaced by roundabouts. To combat this, the rental company charges foreign drivers an extra $5 a day (guess we suck at this opposite driving thing). With no idea what we were doing, we loaded our gear into our rented ’09 Corolla and told the GPS to take us 400km north to the coastal town of Port Macquaire. I don’t know about you, but if I’m learning to drive in a new country, nothing does it better than a 5 hour drive in the rain when you’re tired. At first, I was really scared and hit a couple of curbs, but now other than the occasional guy giving me the “fuck-off” sign in a roundabout I seem to have mastered the art of driving on the other side. I must say though that without my friend Susan (yes my GPS has a name) I would be totally up shit creek. After arriving and checking in at our hostel (Ozzie Pozzie Backpackers [8.5/10]), we did a whole lot of nothing. That night, the owners had a BBQ with all-you-can-eat sausage which I took full advantage of. It took Leeanna a little longer to warm up to the sausages, as the resident senior prankster/lounger Phil told her that some of them were koala sausages that he obtained from the local koala hospital after the koalas died. Mmmm…tastes like chicken.
Up until Wednesday, we had really seen very little in the way of wildlife outside of a few dozen very large cockroaches and a few thousand flying-fox bats. That was all about to change very soon. First things first though, in the morning we went to the mall and purchased a mobile phone, which we figured would probably be a good thing to own considering we would be doing a lot of driving over the next week with Susan and the gang. Next stop was a nature walk through this massive park in the middle of town. At first all we saw were more flying-foxes, which quite frankly just aren’t what I think of when I think of Australian wildlife. But as we made our way through some eucalyptus trees we were fortunate enough to spot two koalas lounging in the same tree. Now I know I sound flaming gay when I say this but they have to be the cutest animals ever. Right up there with porcupines in my book. We managed to keep our animal sightings rolling and saw some turtles, exotic birds, and a big lizard on our walk through the forest. Next on our action-packed agenda was to head over to the koala hospital, but not before a visit to the driving range. It was a really bizarre driving range, as you drove the balls into water, but it was a really small pond so the only club you could use/they had was a pitching wedge. The pond had a bunch of targets on it that if you hit you could win prizes like a free dinner cruise, free bowling, $50 cash, etc. Long and short, Leeanna and I hit a combined zero targets. Following our Tiger Woods like performance, we headed over to the not-for-profit koala hospital. There, they had tons of koalas from all over the area that are rescued from things like dog attacks, forest fires, car accidents, etc. I really wanted to steal one, but thought better of it once I saw how sharp their claws were. After a lengthy romantic walk along the beach that night (I’m a regular Casanova what can I say), we headed to the local cinema to take in the flick New Moon. Not nearly as good as the first movie, but then again the fact that I was watching it in a theatre that looked like it may have been the first one ever built in Australia back in the 1700’s may have contributed to my overall review.
Thursday, we back-tracked down the eastern seaboard to an area known as Port Stephens and more specifically Nelson’s Bay. We stayed in one of the more unique hostels (Melaleuca Backpackers [8/10]) I have ever had the privilege of staying in. It was very outdoorsy and reminded me of a cross between a nature retreat and the Swiss Family Robinson set. The place had a domesticated kangaroo, domesticated wild birds (oxymoron, yes I know), dogs, possums, koalas, and I’m sure tons of other critters I don’t even want to think about! That afternoon we headed over to Nelson’s Bay and took a ferry to see the dolphins. The dolphins swam with our boat for a while, amazing me and all the little kids around me watching. I tried snapping about 15 pictures, but none of them turned out. Guess that’s what happens when you use an $80 camera to try and capture high speed porpoises. After our dolphin adventure we went out for dinner at Hog’s Breath Café before returning to the “country” hostel. Leeanna had a lot of trouble sleeping that night as she is paranoid about all of the different things that go bump in the night. Needless to say she came running into the room in the middle of the night and woke me up and told me that the birds had chased her into the bathroom and then things got worse in the toilet as there were two possums waiting for her in there. I’m pretty sure I just rolled over and went right back to sleep.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009- The Goon Got The Better Of Me
So I arrived in Sydney, Australia, last Wednesday after almost 36 hours of travel. I left Toronto at about noon on Monday afternoon and caught a WestJet flight to Vancouver. On my flight there were several members of the B.C. Lions football team who had just defeated Hamilton in a playoff game the day before. I’m not sure if this really counts as a celebrity sighting, seeing as how I could not name any one of them and most guys on the team work another job in the offseason. Ironically, that morning my sister who works at the airport had checked in the majority of the team and complained that they were acting like asses on the plane and not sitting in their assigned seats. So even if they aren’t legit celebs, at least they know how to act like it! That night, I had about a 10 hour layover in Vancouver before my flight to Sydney. Unfortunately for me, the airport had free wireless internet and I lost over $500 playing online poker while waiting for the mothership to carry me off to space, err Australia.
My 15 hour flight to Sydney was pretty uneventful, consisting of lots of TV watching, very frequent urination (why, I don’t know) and a bit of sleeping. Upon landing on what was now Wednesday morning, I took the airport shuttle to my hostel (The Original Backpackers [7/10]) and grabbed a quick nap, although this proved difficult to do as my body was not used to the 16 hour time difference and the fact that it was +35°C. And to think that it’s only spring here! After my quick little siesta, I headed out into the city for a quick stroll around and then decided that I needed to go the casino. On my way to the casino I walked past a guy who I could’ve sworn was a former pro wrestler from the tag-team the Nasty Boys. After arrival at the very nice Star City Casino, I made my way to the poker room and deposited a couple of hundred dollars into the local economy. Note to any poker players going to Sydney: the rake is atrocious and for the most part the players, myself included are not very good. Upon my return to the hostel, I logged on to my computer and the main article on Yahoo! Australia was how Hulk Hogan and Rick Flair had gotten into a scrap at the Casino that day while promoting an upcoming event. In the picture, Hogan was being led away from the stage by the guy from the Nasty Boys I had seen earlier in the day. Super celebrity spotter Brent in full effect! That night I drank my sorrows away with a couple of dudes from Ireland and Germany and vowed to not visit a casino for a very long time, or until I get to Melbourne, whatever comes first!
Thursday morning, I had to get up bright and early to catch a ride to the airport to meet my girlfriend, Leeanna, who was coming in from Auckland, by way of Los Angeles, by way of Calgary, by way of Toronto! Somehow in the chaos that is that airport I managed to find her and corralled her back to the hostel. After we got settled in our room, we took a stroll around much of central Sydney and spent part of the afternoon around Darling Harbour trying to determine if there were more Asian or British people in this country. Either way, Australia is very much like Canada in regards to the fact that it has a massive immigrant population. Ironically, that afternoon after I had told Leeanna about my D-list celebrity sighting the day before, we walked right by the guy from the Nasty Boys along with Jimmy Hart and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Talk about scoring the ultimate early 90’s wrestling jackpot! That night we took it pretty easy and just chilled in the hostel courtyard with some cold beverages and chatted up these two broads from Germany who I’m almost 100% certain were the biggest lesbians this side of the Indian Ocean. And no fellas, they were not the adult film kind of lesbians, more like the schnitzel-eating kind with hairy armpits (No, I did not inspect).
Friday consisted of our visit to the world-famous Sydney Opera House. We walked there through the Royal Botanical Gardens, which is a fantastic green space right in the heart of the city. The craziest thing about the gardens was the fact that there approximately 25,000 bats living there, which could be seen everywhere in the trees. And these weren’t your standard run of the mill bats, but rather Flying Foxes which more closely resembled baby elephants in size! Needless to say the bats are killing all the trees in the park, and the government is working on a massive relocation project for the bats. The Opera House and Sydney Harbour were as expected, although one unique thing was that they had the stage set-up for Australian Idol outside the Opera House. We watched the recitals for a while, as they were preparing for the grand finale this weekend, although sadly Ben Mulroney was nowhere to be seen. Leeanna and I also checked out The Rocks, which was the first part of Sydney to be settled by the Europeans in the late 1700’s. That night, our hostel had a BBQ which was delicious and we ended up hanging out with the German Muff-Diving Team again over post-dinner drinks. That night we found a cockroach in our room that Leeanna killed on the wall and a couple more came scurrying out of the common bathroom. I was able to get one of them, but his mate scurried into someone’s room. Welcome to Australia!
Saturday was when the Brent of old came creeping back in. That day was our first official day of really not doing much of anything, which is sometimes a good thing. We took a leisurely stroll around the city during the day and just chilled with the wide assortment of Irish, German, Israeli, Canadian, Scottish, American, and everyone else under the sun that night. Early in the evening, I decided that Leeanna and I needed to get rid of all our booze as we would be leaving Sydney the next morning. We had almost a full box of goon (Australian slang for a 4L box of wine) and 12 beers. Add into the mix a few x-factors (some whiskey, it was a Saturday night/party night, McDonalds) and you arrive at the end of the night which consisted of me and another guy ditching Leeanna in a McDonalds for no good reason (I was blacked out at this point). Apparently my very pissed off girlfriend found me trying to get into the hostel a short time later, but I was too wasted to know how to use this new technology they call a “key”. In conclusion, I went to the room and puked up my McChicken combo and Leeanna got all drunk-emotional and called her Mom on the other side of the world and told her I had food poisoning and was throwing up everywhere…So that’s what they call it now, eh?
My 15 hour flight to Sydney was pretty uneventful, consisting of lots of TV watching, very frequent urination (why, I don’t know) and a bit of sleeping. Upon landing on what was now Wednesday morning, I took the airport shuttle to my hostel (The Original Backpackers [7/10]) and grabbed a quick nap, although this proved difficult to do as my body was not used to the 16 hour time difference and the fact that it was +35°C. And to think that it’s only spring here! After my quick little siesta, I headed out into the city for a quick stroll around and then decided that I needed to go the casino. On my way to the casino I walked past a guy who I could’ve sworn was a former pro wrestler from the tag-team the Nasty Boys. After arrival at the very nice Star City Casino, I made my way to the poker room and deposited a couple of hundred dollars into the local economy. Note to any poker players going to Sydney: the rake is atrocious and for the most part the players, myself included are not very good. Upon my return to the hostel, I logged on to my computer and the main article on Yahoo! Australia was how Hulk Hogan and Rick Flair had gotten into a scrap at the Casino that day while promoting an upcoming event. In the picture, Hogan was being led away from the stage by the guy from the Nasty Boys I had seen earlier in the day. Super celebrity spotter Brent in full effect! That night I drank my sorrows away with a couple of dudes from Ireland and Germany and vowed to not visit a casino for a very long time, or until I get to Melbourne, whatever comes first!
Thursday morning, I had to get up bright and early to catch a ride to the airport to meet my girlfriend, Leeanna, who was coming in from Auckland, by way of Los Angeles, by way of Calgary, by way of Toronto! Somehow in the chaos that is that airport I managed to find her and corralled her back to the hostel. After we got settled in our room, we took a stroll around much of central Sydney and spent part of the afternoon around Darling Harbour trying to determine if there were more Asian or British people in this country. Either way, Australia is very much like Canada in regards to the fact that it has a massive immigrant population. Ironically, that afternoon after I had told Leeanna about my D-list celebrity sighting the day before, we walked right by the guy from the Nasty Boys along with Jimmy Hart and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Talk about scoring the ultimate early 90’s wrestling jackpot! That night we took it pretty easy and just chilled in the hostel courtyard with some cold beverages and chatted up these two broads from Germany who I’m almost 100% certain were the biggest lesbians this side of the Indian Ocean. And no fellas, they were not the adult film kind of lesbians, more like the schnitzel-eating kind with hairy armpits (No, I did not inspect).
Friday consisted of our visit to the world-famous Sydney Opera House. We walked there through the Royal Botanical Gardens, which is a fantastic green space right in the heart of the city. The craziest thing about the gardens was the fact that there approximately 25,000 bats living there, which could be seen everywhere in the trees. And these weren’t your standard run of the mill bats, but rather Flying Foxes which more closely resembled baby elephants in size! Needless to say the bats are killing all the trees in the park, and the government is working on a massive relocation project for the bats. The Opera House and Sydney Harbour were as expected, although one unique thing was that they had the stage set-up for Australian Idol outside the Opera House. We watched the recitals for a while, as they were preparing for the grand finale this weekend, although sadly Ben Mulroney was nowhere to be seen. Leeanna and I also checked out The Rocks, which was the first part of Sydney to be settled by the Europeans in the late 1700’s. That night, our hostel had a BBQ which was delicious and we ended up hanging out with the German Muff-Diving Team again over post-dinner drinks. That night we found a cockroach in our room that Leeanna killed on the wall and a couple more came scurrying out of the common bathroom. I was able to get one of them, but his mate scurried into someone’s room. Welcome to Australia!
Saturday was when the Brent of old came creeping back in. That day was our first official day of really not doing much of anything, which is sometimes a good thing. We took a leisurely stroll around the city during the day and just chilled with the wide assortment of Irish, German, Israeli, Canadian, Scottish, American, and everyone else under the sun that night. Early in the evening, I decided that Leeanna and I needed to get rid of all our booze as we would be leaving Sydney the next morning. We had almost a full box of goon (Australian slang for a 4L box of wine) and 12 beers. Add into the mix a few x-factors (some whiskey, it was a Saturday night/party night, McDonalds) and you arrive at the end of the night which consisted of me and another guy ditching Leeanna in a McDonalds for no good reason (I was blacked out at this point). Apparently my very pissed off girlfriend found me trying to get into the hostel a short time later, but I was too wasted to know how to use this new technology they call a “key”. In conclusion, I went to the room and puked up my McChicken combo and Leeanna got all drunk-emotional and called her Mom on the other side of the world and told her I had food poisoning and was throwing up everywhere…So that’s what they call it now, eh?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009- Vegas, Chicago, and Cubs, Oh My!
So where to begin? Well first off all let me just say that I am back and my cheeseball writing will be in full effect. If you don’t like, you can go and read a novel about vampire lovin’ (or if you’re me just go and watch the movies instead. Respect to Edward Cullen, just sayin’). Now to get back on track…
I am currently writing from Sydney, Australia surrounded by beautiful oceans and koala bears galore. And by oceans and bears I of course mean German tourists and people who have a bad habit of saying “cheers” so often you would think Ted Danson was the unofficial Prime Minister of the country.
Anyways, quick back story before I go on. For the last two-and-a-half years I have documented most of my travels that take me both far and not so far (my general rule is more than five hours driving constitutes a worthy vacation blog). So I have generally spared people reading about my escapades in locales such as Niagara Falls, upstate New York, and the ever exotic Toronto! On that note though, I did get a little bit lazy and failed to write anything from my last two trips. So before I start typing in Australian (slight variation of English), you will be forced to read about some of the other shit I did, but was just too lazy to type this summer. So, in brief…
Back in July, LappDance and I went on my second trip of the year to lovely Las Vegas to catch UFC 100 and the UFC Fan Expo. All in all nothing too crazy happened by Vegas standards. Lapp kept getting hit on by women that were all hookers, but it usually took him the better part of an hour to figure this out, but such is life when you’re looking for love in the Hooters Hotel and Casino. On the gambling front, I clocked a nice win of close to a thousand dollars the first afternoon playing poker at Bellagio, but by the end of the weekend had given most of it back through poor decisions, usually involving lots of booze. As far as UFC was concerned, well anyone who watched the event can tell you it was awesome (see: best ever!). Lesnar and GSP both kicked ass, so my life was relatively complete. After the event on the Saturday night, I immediately waited for Ryan to fall asleep (we had a tough one the night before getting killed by everyone and their brother at the beer pong tables at Excalibur) and then promptly went over to MGM Grand to play some poker. I stayed awake all night thanks to various Red Bull concoctions and went to the airport the next morning drunk as a skunk and wired off my face. And as if the doctor told me last week I drink too much and it causes liver damage. What an uneducated idiot!
In August, my girlfriend, another couple and I went to Chicago for five nights of pure tourist attractions. I can’t really remember what happened and what we did and when, so I will just list random things and give them a ranking on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being totally crap, like the kind of thing you do with someone you don’t want to ever talk to you again; and a 10 being super awesome, almost akin to the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Far-fetched, yes, but not totally unattainable, just unattainable anytime soon. So in no particular order:
1) Eat a deep dish pizza (6/10). Tons of places all over the city to do this and it really is an almost uniquely Chicago experience. Only problem is the famous places are all packed, and all the cheese on the pizza gave me exploding diarrhea.
2) Tour of Wrigley Field (7/10). The Cubs weren’t in town that weekend, so we had to settle for the tour. A great stadium with a lot of history (I still liked Fenway more), but it was a bit pricey and I just don’t like National League baseball teams.
3) White Sox vs. Yankees at U.S. Cellular Field (8/10). Great newer stadium with a good atmosphere, something that has been lacking in Toronto for the last 15 years. The fact that the peanuts were delicious and I was able to purchase a foam White Sox finger made it all the more enjoyable.
4) Architecture Cruise (7/10). One of the things that everyone who goes to Chicago inevitably does is take a cruise through the rivers that run through the city on one of the many tour operators. Very interesting and full of great sights to see, but it was a bit repetitive and any boat without a pirate show and/or burlesque act must by law receive no higher than a 7/10 on the Brentski® ranking scheme.
5) Lincoln Park Zoo (5/10). This place was way out of the way and well it does get props for having free admission, it was far from a world-class zoo. Leeanna was less than impressed with me that day, as I recall I made her walk over 14km that day, mostly to and from the zoo. Oh, and then I made her walk the ENTIRE zoo circuit and see every single animal, obscure mountain goats and all.
6) Get harassed by homeless men (9.5/10). By far the most memorable part of the trip was some of the funny encounters we had with homeless people. One guy summed up best when he chased me and Leeanna down a side street late at night and said “Yo, slow down! Why do all white people think we’re going to murder them!?” Needless to say I was quite frightened, but keeping true to my spirit I did not give him cash, but did cave a little bit and gave him a can of beer. Another favourite move of the homeless folks of Chicago is to play the role of the “homeless black war hero”. Sure seems to be a lot of vets living on Michigan Avenue. Now, if they actually are all vets, I deserve to rot in hell.
7) Buy $5 bottles of wine from 7-Eleven and drink in the hotel room. (8.5/10). I mean who doesn’t love doing this on vacation? Cheap wine and TBS movies = Jackpot!!!
Now, enough living in the past, up next Australia bitches!
I am currently writing from Sydney, Australia surrounded by beautiful oceans and koala bears galore. And by oceans and bears I of course mean German tourists and people who have a bad habit of saying “cheers” so often you would think Ted Danson was the unofficial Prime Minister of the country.
Anyways, quick back story before I go on. For the last two-and-a-half years I have documented most of my travels that take me both far and not so far (my general rule is more than five hours driving constitutes a worthy vacation blog). So I have generally spared people reading about my escapades in locales such as Niagara Falls, upstate New York, and the ever exotic Toronto! On that note though, I did get a little bit lazy and failed to write anything from my last two trips. So before I start typing in Australian (slight variation of English), you will be forced to read about some of the other shit I did, but was just too lazy to type this summer. So, in brief…
Back in July, LappDance and I went on my second trip of the year to lovely Las Vegas to catch UFC 100 and the UFC Fan Expo. All in all nothing too crazy happened by Vegas standards. Lapp kept getting hit on by women that were all hookers, but it usually took him the better part of an hour to figure this out, but such is life when you’re looking for love in the Hooters Hotel and Casino. On the gambling front, I clocked a nice win of close to a thousand dollars the first afternoon playing poker at Bellagio, but by the end of the weekend had given most of it back through poor decisions, usually involving lots of booze. As far as UFC was concerned, well anyone who watched the event can tell you it was awesome (see: best ever!). Lesnar and GSP both kicked ass, so my life was relatively complete. After the event on the Saturday night, I immediately waited for Ryan to fall asleep (we had a tough one the night before getting killed by everyone and their brother at the beer pong tables at Excalibur) and then promptly went over to MGM Grand to play some poker. I stayed awake all night thanks to various Red Bull concoctions and went to the airport the next morning drunk as a skunk and wired off my face. And as if the doctor told me last week I drink too much and it causes liver damage. What an uneducated idiot!
In August, my girlfriend, another couple and I went to Chicago for five nights of pure tourist attractions. I can’t really remember what happened and what we did and when, so I will just list random things and give them a ranking on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being totally crap, like the kind of thing you do with someone you don’t want to ever talk to you again; and a 10 being super awesome, almost akin to the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Far-fetched, yes, but not totally unattainable, just unattainable anytime soon. So in no particular order:
1) Eat a deep dish pizza (6/10). Tons of places all over the city to do this and it really is an almost uniquely Chicago experience. Only problem is the famous places are all packed, and all the cheese on the pizza gave me exploding diarrhea.
2) Tour of Wrigley Field (7/10). The Cubs weren’t in town that weekend, so we had to settle for the tour. A great stadium with a lot of history (I still liked Fenway more), but it was a bit pricey and I just don’t like National League baseball teams.
3) White Sox vs. Yankees at U.S. Cellular Field (8/10). Great newer stadium with a good atmosphere, something that has been lacking in Toronto for the last 15 years. The fact that the peanuts were delicious and I was able to purchase a foam White Sox finger made it all the more enjoyable.
4) Architecture Cruise (7/10). One of the things that everyone who goes to Chicago inevitably does is take a cruise through the rivers that run through the city on one of the many tour operators. Very interesting and full of great sights to see, but it was a bit repetitive and any boat without a pirate show and/or burlesque act must by law receive no higher than a 7/10 on the Brentski® ranking scheme.
5) Lincoln Park Zoo (5/10). This place was way out of the way and well it does get props for having free admission, it was far from a world-class zoo. Leeanna was less than impressed with me that day, as I recall I made her walk over 14km that day, mostly to and from the zoo. Oh, and then I made her walk the ENTIRE zoo circuit and see every single animal, obscure mountain goats and all.
6) Get harassed by homeless men (9.5/10). By far the most memorable part of the trip was some of the funny encounters we had with homeless people. One guy summed up best when he chased me and Leeanna down a side street late at night and said “Yo, slow down! Why do all white people think we’re going to murder them!?” Needless to say I was quite frightened, but keeping true to my spirit I did not give him cash, but did cave a little bit and gave him a can of beer. Another favourite move of the homeless folks of Chicago is to play the role of the “homeless black war hero”. Sure seems to be a lot of vets living on Michigan Avenue. Now, if they actually are all vets, I deserve to rot in hell.
7) Buy $5 bottles of wine from 7-Eleven and drink in the hotel room. (8.5/10). I mean who doesn’t love doing this on vacation? Cheap wine and TBS movies = Jackpot!!!
Now, enough living in the past, up next Australia bitches!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Chapter 1- If You Were 1/16th Native You'd Understand!
This strange little planet we call Earth that we all inhabit is full of peculiar people full of different ideas and opinions. We also tend to have ‘rites of passage’ if you will, that we all seem ready and eager to conform to. Inherently these tend to be either motivated or set into motion by our race or religious background. There are many cases of this in North American society, for example, for a young Jewish person it might be their Bar or Bat Mitzvah; for a young North American Italian it may be the first time they are introduced formally to a relative who is associated with organized crime; a young African-American might feel like a man the first time he slam dunks over top of the rich white kids from the suburban prep school; and for a Portuguese teen, it may be that first day on the construction job where he will work for the rest of his life.
Myself on the other hand, well I was born a pretty much normal, boring suburban white kid. Therefore, I have only one rite of passage, and it involves drinking copious amounts of booze and ending up in a police car. My background is such that I cannot trace my roots back on either side of my family outside of the great country of Canada. Now, I know what you are thinking, “That’s impossible”! Well let me tell you that you are in fact wrong Bruce (I have a thing about calling people generic names like Bruce, Doug, and Dikembe. And for this I apologize). As great is sounds, the whole being one hundred and ten percent Canadian is not all it’s cracked up to be. I mean I have never in my life been able to cheer for a country in the World Cup of Soccer. Do you have any idea how agonizing this is? So my first twenty-five years of life have therefore been spent rooting for whoever was playing against Portugal, Italy, or Brazil. Such is my pathetic life.
Despite this entire lack-of-family lineage, I have discovered a few things over the years. First and foremost I have a French last name, so there is some French in me. According to my grandparents we also have some Native blood in the Moreau clan. Natives are generally associated with a few things in this country: living on reserves, not paying taxes, huffing gas, and generally getting drunk as fuck. Unfortunately for me, I am still forced to pay taxes and am not eligible to live on a reserve. This leaves me only two options, huffing gas and consuming so much alcohol that I piss myself (another story for another time). I’ve never really liked huffing gas all that much, as I found it made me kind of woozy and I kept hallucinating that I was seeing the characters from that PBS show Today’s Special. Mostly it was that mannequin that was supposedly a security guard and that talking rat named Muffy. Really I mean what kind of dignified talking rat puppet would let someone name them Muffy. Anyways, getting back to the point here, I suffer from a problem that many people of the Squaw (I think this is a pretty racist Indian word, not too sure on that one) background suffer from. What is this you ask? Well to put it bluntly, I get so retardedly drunk that the stupidest shit imaginable happens to me.
So there you have it. I’m a putz. Admittedly, people have used harsher words to describe me, but we’re going to stick with that one. It just sounds so smooth coming out of the mouth, putz... putz... putz...putz...putz!
This is just the beginning though, as ahead I will attempt to rehash some of the more ridiculous moments that have occurred in my life over the last seven years or so.
Myself on the other hand, well I was born a pretty much normal, boring suburban white kid. Therefore, I have only one rite of passage, and it involves drinking copious amounts of booze and ending up in a police car. My background is such that I cannot trace my roots back on either side of my family outside of the great country of Canada. Now, I know what you are thinking, “That’s impossible”! Well let me tell you that you are in fact wrong Bruce (I have a thing about calling people generic names like Bruce, Doug, and Dikembe. And for this I apologize). As great is sounds, the whole being one hundred and ten percent Canadian is not all it’s cracked up to be. I mean I have never in my life been able to cheer for a country in the World Cup of Soccer. Do you have any idea how agonizing this is? So my first twenty-five years of life have therefore been spent rooting for whoever was playing against Portugal, Italy, or Brazil. Such is my pathetic life.
Despite this entire lack-of-family lineage, I have discovered a few things over the years. First and foremost I have a French last name, so there is some French in me. According to my grandparents we also have some Native blood in the Moreau clan. Natives are generally associated with a few things in this country: living on reserves, not paying taxes, huffing gas, and generally getting drunk as fuck. Unfortunately for me, I am still forced to pay taxes and am not eligible to live on a reserve. This leaves me only two options, huffing gas and consuming so much alcohol that I piss myself (another story for another time). I’ve never really liked huffing gas all that much, as I found it made me kind of woozy and I kept hallucinating that I was seeing the characters from that PBS show Today’s Special. Mostly it was that mannequin that was supposedly a security guard and that talking rat named Muffy. Really I mean what kind of dignified talking rat puppet would let someone name them Muffy. Anyways, getting back to the point here, I suffer from a problem that many people of the Squaw (I think this is a pretty racist Indian word, not too sure on that one) background suffer from. What is this you ask? Well to put it bluntly, I get so retardedly drunk that the stupidest shit imaginable happens to me.
So there you have it. I’m a putz. Admittedly, people have used harsher words to describe me, but we’re going to stick with that one. It just sounds so smooth coming out of the mouth, putz... putz... putz...putz...putz!
This is just the beginning though, as ahead I will attempt to rehash some of the more ridiculous moments that have occurred in my life over the last seven years or so.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Farting On a Double-Decker Bus Is Straight Ignorant- Las Vegas- March, 2009...Part 2/2
(Pictured: The craziness that is Fremont Street...on a Wednesday night!)Wednesday morning, or should I say about lunch time, we arose just in time to make it down to everybody’s favourite restaurant named after a former Miami Dolphin/winner of best actor EVER for his role in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Dan Marino’s. Only the finest cuisine at Hooters Hotel and Casino! After breakfast, we managed to saunter on over to the Luxor Hotel to check out the Titanic exhibit. I was a little sceptical at first about paying $30 each to see some artefacts from the ship (not like I had choice, women rule the world) but it ended up being pretty awesome. In addition to the hundreds of artefacts recovered from the ship, they also had re-creations of various parts of the ship that you walked through, including the third class area (steerage, as Leo called it in the movie), grand stairway, and other areas. The tour also had the largest piece of the Titanic ever removed from the ocean, that I would have to estimate was about the same size as that world’s fattest man I see every night on Discovery Channel in the same stupid one-hour special. Lou and I killed of the rest of the afternoon just browsing and gambling our way through Luxor, Excalibur, and Mandalay Bay. We attempted to go the Shark Reef exhibit at Mandalay, but the line-ups of little kids and people like me who don’t seem to grow up seemed to stretch forever! We finally met up with Mr. Clean and Drunko around dinner time and swiftly made our way over to the bus stop to catch “the Deuce”, which is the bus that takes you to Fremont Street/ the old part of Vegas. The bus was a double-decker packed to the point where it was standing room only on both levels. My brother Drunko saw this as the perfect opportunity to let the dirtiest of dirty farts go. I’m pretty sure everyone around was either dead or near death, and the guy behind me who looked and acted like Soulja Boy was recording the whole thing. Slightly ridiculous, yes I know. Once we disembarked from the now foul smelling bus, we took in all Fremont Street has to offer. In the last few years, there has been a major revitalization of the area, and the entire street is now covered with a canopy that is actually a giant screen, where they play light shows every hour on the hour at night. I know it sounds bizarre, but it is something that you would have to see to believe. Aside from the light show, I bought some of the nastiest food you could ever imagine in the form on deep-fired Oreo’s and deep-fried Twinkie’s from Mermaid’s Casino. Delicious! That night, Mr. Clean also made his best investment of the trip, when he bought a “grow-a-girlfriend”. While, Clean and Drunko went off with Lou for a bit (I later learned they all tried to go the strip club, but cover was too much) I had the opportunity to take in the Poker Hall of Fame at Binion’s. Yes, I do love poker that much, and I am a nerd. After I hooked back up with Mr. C and LouLou, we went and pissed away about $100 playing the “big wheel” at the Four Queens for a couple of hours. We failed to find Drunko (somehow got lost), and eventually the three of us just went back to our hotel for the night, but not before Clean tried to climb a palm tree at the bus stop in front of like 30 people and severely scraped his legs and both of his arms. Ahhh, the power of alcohol and all its wisdom!
The next day, I made my way down to the Sports Book in the morning, in hopes of duplicating my success in betting on college basketball from a year earlier. It was not meant to be, and I ended up going 0 for 4 on my sports bets. Next, I made my way back to Bellagio, this time with enough money to buy into the 15/30 Limit Hold’Em game they were spreading. At one point within being there only a couple of hours, I was up over $700, but promptly took some bad beats and ended up leaving ahead like $8. After my not so profitable gambling experience I headed back to meet up with the Mrs. Drunko wanted to know if we wanted to pre-drink before dinner (this was at 4pm). I told him that he might need to find some new hobbies and that Lou and I were heading out for dinner at Planet Hollywood. On that note, we caught the bus over to Caesar’s for a romantic $100 dinner at Planet Hollywood, which was beautifully accented by the movie props and cardboard cut-outs of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. That night, Mr. Clean and Drunko went to the hypnosis show that Lou and I had already seen. Later on, we all met up with the intention of going to Dixie’s Dam Bar, which was the new bar they had opened up inside of Hooters. The only trick was that my brother and Mr. Clean had to go ahead of us, as Jr. was using my ID, and I thought it might be a little suspicious if two Brent Moreau’s show up at the exact same time. So after giving our two padres a head start, Leeanna and I made our way down, only to discover that the place was dead. We could see in through the frosted glass, and decided against paying the $10 cover to join Mr. Clean and Drunko at SausageFest ’09. Unfortunately, we could not get a hold of the other two, so we just ventured out on our own to Diablo’s Cantina for some brews. While we were out on the strip, we happened to see the same homeless guy we had seen the night before on the other side of the city. He was easily recognisable due to his scruffy attire but near-new Nike sneakers. For some bizarre reason I just found this to be the greatest thing ever! Our next and last stop before heading back to the hotel was at the 24-hour Subway to indulge in my new favourite snack, a Spicy Italian sub. Make sure you get it with Italian bread, white cheese, onions, parmesan cheese, and chipotle sauce. It’s to die for, and I recommend at least one day as a part of a balanced diet. All this eating clearly tired out the ole GF, but I was born to live so I decided to stay up until after 4am playing blackjack in the casino.
Friday was home time and was pretty uneventful. We went for one last breakfast at Mr. Marino’s where we met up with Mr. Clean who had just returned from the Gun Store. I played a little bit more blackjack, and then it was off to the airport to catch our flight home.....and play some slots! You gotta love how McCarron Airport has slot machines all over it. Only in Vegas baby! Anyways, we got back to Buffalo after midnight, and rolled into the booming suburb of Bradford at around 4am Saturday morning.
On that note, another journey successfully completed. So long, amigos and would someone tell summer to hurry up and get here!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Don't Get Hypnotized, Or You'll Look Like An Ass - Las Vegas - March, 2009...Part 1/2
(Pictured: Me and the other two dudes, living large with our gold medals and clown noses.)So, it’s been a while since my last travels, as I’ve been in trade school, and it will probably be a while until I get to travel again, as I am so broke it’s ridonculous! On that note, I decided to take another pilgrimage to my Mecca, Las Vegas! This time though (unlike the last couple times I went)it was more about good times and less about gambling my life away, as I would be joined my girlfriend Lou, my friend Mr. Clean, and my constantly drunk/why aren’t you guys getting drunk brother, Drunko.
Originally, Lou and I were scheduled to travel on stand-by out of Toronto on March 22, but due to the fact that all of the flights were full, we took the plunge and paid full price to fly out of Buffalo. On that note, I arose Sunday morning with a dastardly hangover (my birthday/a country bar/lots of shots/Garth Brooks/Russian cab driver) but was a man on a mission to get on that plane. We made it down to America’s armpit, errr Buffalo a bit early, so we grabbed some grub at the Anchor Bar (albeit not the original one, the one in the airport). For those of you who are not grease-connoisseurs like myself, they are the inventors of the buffalo chicken wings which kind of makes them a big deal. Due to sandstorms in the deserts surrounding Las Vegas, our flight was delayed for a couple hours. I found this to be the perfect opportunity to catch up on all my celebrity gossip thanks to the fine people at Star magazine. That Jennifer Aniston, what a bitch! Fast forward a few hours, and we arrived in Las Vegas about 9pm and cabbed it over to the classiest hotel of classy hotels, The Hooters Hotel and Casino. Believe me, for under $40 a night it was well worth it! Later that night we tried to get into the restaurant in our hotel, Dan Marino’s (yes, that Dan Marino), for some 25 cent chicken wings between the hours of 12am and 6am but the line-up was too long. So we did the next best thing and went to the 24 hour Wendy’s, bought some booze from the souvenir shop, and called it a night!
Monday morning, we had to move rooms as we had booked Sunday night on a different reservation than the rest of our nights. I`m sure that this probably did not make the wife happy, as she now had to go from having her own queen bed to sharing a bed with hairy legs (could be worse, could be excessive Sasquatch back hair). After that, we headed over to the legendary/very old/ghetto Tropicana for their Island Buffet. We spent most of the afternoon wandering the strip, and stopped in at the Planet Hollywood Casino (used to be Aladdin, got renamed/bought out, just like Hooters did with the San Remo) for some blackjack lessons for Miss LouLou from yours truly. After we made it back to Hooters, I played a little bit of 1-2 No-Limit Poker, which is the only poker game they spread there other than their daily tournaments. To call it a poker room would be a vast over statement. They have two tables tucked away in the corner. I lost a bit of coin but nothing to write home about. That night we had bought tickets to go and check out the show Dirty Hypnosis: Unleashed at Krave/Planet Hollywood. It was what it sounds like, a dirty hypnosis show. Lou was one of the unfortunate people who volunteered to get hypnotized for over an hour, and believe me it worked. Without getting too graphic, let’s just say some of the HILARIOUS stuff the guy had her do included smoking invisible weed, thinking her breasts were growing about 6 feet off her body, making her think she had a male appendage, and my personal favourite, where he gave everyone on stage a balloon and told them it was a sex toy and to describe it (let’s just say the words “fourteen” and “inches” came into her description. I’ll leave it at that. Awesome show though and highly recommend it. Fuck the Blue Man Group and Elton John. After the madame kind of snapped back into it, we went back to our hotel and met up with Mr. Clean who had just gotten in on his flight from Toronto that night. We did a little in room drinking, went and played some blackjack, and then decided to try Dan Marino’s again for the wings. We did get in for the wings, but let’s just say I’m pretty sure they were the reject wings that Hooters scraps during the day. Terrible.
That morning a mere 4 hours after I went to bed, I hear a loud knocking on my door at 7am, and low and behold it’s Captain Clean, all rip-roaring ready to go for the day. I told him to fuck off and not to bother me until after lunch. I ended up getting up a couple hours later, and went over to the Bellagio on my own to hopefully play some 15/30 Limit Poker. Unfortunately, my bank card was acting like a dick-head, and would not work, so I was forced again to play some 1-2 No-Limit. I took a small win, but again, nothing crazy. I promptly made it back to Hooters a bit after lunch time, and low and behold my brother Drunko had showed up from Toronto, just waiting for me to give him my extra ID (he’s 19, I’m 25. I can grow facial hair, he can’t). All four of us decided to head over to New York New York, and ride the roller coaster. We bought a family pass for $56. Yes, that’s right, for four of us to ride a roller coaster once it cost about $70 Canadian! When in Vegas. We followed that up with a solid session in the children’s arcade where we won cheesy gold medals and clown noses for all (Thanks Clean)! At 6:30pm we had tickets to see the live show “The Mentalist”. It was pretty cool, and was basically a mind reading-magic-illusion show. I can’t figure out how they do that shit for the life of me, but then again I guess that’s supposed to be the point. For more info, just google “Mentalist” or “Gerry McCambridge”. The guy had his own CBS special and stuff like that. Next up on my agenda for the young night was to play in the Hooters nightly poker tournament. Long story short, there ended up only being 9 players and it was winner take all. I made it to the final two with the chip lead (about 60% to 40%) and we decided to split the money as I was absolutely shittered (see: drunk on free beers) at this point. I took $300 the other dude took $200 and I promptly went over to the Hooters restaurant to meet up with Mr. Clean and Lou and drank some more. I’m sloppy, I know.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
LET'S GET THE BALL ROLLING...
Since the beginning of time, there has been idiots on this great planet we call Earth. I’m sure that there were idiot dinosaurs, idiot cavemen, and well we all know about more modern day idiots such as Kevin Bacon, Zach from Saved By The Bell, and that dickless bastard Teddy Ruxpin. Well, folks you can add one more to the growing list: Brent Moreau. It is true that I have often been called a lot worse names, and on the flipside my mother has said nicer things about me, but the one word that I believe best sums me up is, well, IDIOT!
So, enter the birth of my new blog BigIdiotStick. While it may not exactly roll off the tongue, it was the best my meagre brain could drum up (oh and the fact that every blogpost.com address is already taken didn’t exactly help either).
Primarily, this blog will focus on two things:
1) Adventures and Misadventures that my friends and I have had over the years. There have been many, too many to list here. To say that some of them are comical would be a vast understatement. Most of my writing over the next little while will focus on these tales, as I attempt to get many of them onto paper.
2) Travel tales. I have spent the last couple of weeks putting all of my old travel notes into this blog for personal reasons. If you’re bored or curious, take a gander; if not, go cook a blue jay burger on your barbecue. I will update these as I travel, which for the immediate future will see a trip to Las Vegas, my move to Australia in November, and whatever happens in between.
Thanks for reading and as always, stay classy. ~BrEnTsKi~
NEXT BLOG: My “Taken Into Custody/F-ed Up By The Police” Trilogy.
So, enter the birth of my new blog BigIdiotStick. While it may not exactly roll off the tongue, it was the best my meagre brain could drum up (oh and the fact that every blogpost.com address is already taken didn’t exactly help either).
Primarily, this blog will focus on two things:
1) Adventures and Misadventures that my friends and I have had over the years. There have been many, too many to list here. To say that some of them are comical would be a vast understatement. Most of my writing over the next little while will focus on these tales, as I attempt to get many of them onto paper.
2) Travel tales. I have spent the last couple of weeks putting all of my old travel notes into this blog for personal reasons. If you’re bored or curious, take a gander; if not, go cook a blue jay burger on your barbecue. I will update these as I travel, which for the immediate future will see a trip to Las Vegas, my move to Australia in November, and whatever happens in between.
Thanks for reading and as always, stay classy. ~BrEnTsKi~
NEXT BLOG: My “Taken Into Custody/F-ed Up By The Police” Trilogy.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Eurotrip '07 - June 28 - Amster......dammmmm I loved that place!...Part 10/10
(Originally published June 28, 2007)
(Pictured: Space cake. You know, the shit astronauts eat.)Ok, first of all, this is the conclusion of my journalistic stylings....I have been back now in the Motherland for a week, but was too lazy to finish it, but now I am forcing myself to finish what I started. On that note, I am actaully shocked at how many people have been reading this. Thanks to everyone for the feedback, as it was much appreciated. Here we go.........
So Monday, June 18, I was like a little kid on Christmas morning. I woke Slim up bright and early and we made our way to Graceland, errrr Amsterdam! Upon our arrival, we went straight to our hostel, dropped our bags off and went directly across the street to the Blues Brothers Coffee Shop. Now for those of you who are uninclined, a coffee shop just sells snacks, non-alcoholic drinks, oh and pot and hash! After parousing the menu, we decided on some Bubblegum as well as some Cantaloupe flavoured bud. Needless to say, this is where the next few days started to get really really hazy. Later on in the day we made our way down to Barney's Coffee Shop, one of the more popular spots in the city, where we purchased some Space Cake (for those of you who wondering what this is, go watch Deuce Bigalo: European Gigalo) and then proceeded to go smoke copious amounts of dope back at the hostel and watch Comedy Central for like the next eighteen hours. It was sometime during this day and the next day that I overdosed on McDonald's Cheeseburgers. Let's just say eating cheeseburgers for every meal is ill-advised. Way worse then anything marijuana could ever do to you.
Tuesday, it was more of the same! That morning we met up with our homeslice, "Seattle" Abe. We hadn't seen him since Budapest, so we were ready to hit the town.....right after a little wake and bake. In our foggy state, the three of us made our way to the Heineken Brewery. We did the tour, drank some beers, signed some autographs, etc. Following that, SlimJim suggested we go to this place called the Grey Area, which cleans up on a consistent basis at the Cannabis Cup. So we purchased some more top-grade cush and then proceeded to get retarded. Between five of us at this one table we were passing around a vaporizer, a pipe, a bong, and a fat ass joint. It got sloppy in a hurry. That night, Abe took us on a walking tour of the Red Light District, where we oogled at the hookers and giggled (I swear it had nothing to do with the drugs) at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.
The next day, I actually managed to sober up for a few hours! Shocking, isn't it? Anyways, that morning we went on a guided walking tour of Amsterdam and then we boogied on over to visit the Anne Frank House. I was a big fan of the Anne Frank House, having read her diaries a few years ago and absolutely loving them. Girl was one helluva writer! That night, we met up with some other old pals (Gene and Glen from Toronto), who we hadn't seen since Seville about seven weeks earlier. The four of us went out for some beers and tokes and then made our way back to the Red Light District. It was time for the Live Sex Show. We finally decided to go this one show which was charging about $30, and you got to see a three act show, but you could watch repeats as much as you wanted. Without getting too graphic, the three acts were as follows: Act 1) Basically just your run of the mill stripper routine. Act 2) Naked chick plays around with her glass toy. Act 3) This is where the live sex came in! After the three acts, a large screen came down for twenty minutes between shows, and they played some hardcore anal porn. Classy. I'm not gonna lie, it's kind of weird watching anal porn on a 200-inch projection screen when you've got a group of middle-aged women sitting in front of you. Meh! Long story short, we watched the whole show two-and-a-half times and most definately got our money's worth!
Thursday during the day was pretty uneventful. That day, I just walked around the city on my own, basically doing nothing, except making an appointment for my tattoo the next day. Later in the afternoon, I met up with SuperSlim who had been smoking and watching the Discovery Channel all day. Who says stoners aren't productive? Naturally, I felt the need to join in before taking my act to the Holland Casino (bad idea!). I arrived too late to register for the poker tournament I wanted to play in, so I decided to saddle up and play in their "big" cash game. I got cleaned for about $400 in around an hour and promptly decided to leave. Don't gamble under the influence, it rarely works out kids. On that note, I went back to the hostel and smoked away my pain!
Friday, I was not allowed to smoke anything, since I had a tattoo appointment, and was under strict orders not to consume any drugs or alcohol. That morning, Slim and I decided to do some souvenir shopping before I dropped him off at the hostel with some of our smoking buddies and I made my way over to the "House of Tattoos". After a long-ass delay, I finally got in the chair, had my artwork installed and made my way back to the hostel. Not surprisingly, I returned to find Slim looking a little tired and hungry. It was definately time to go to Brussells, Belgium, for I feared he was near death! Haha. That night we took a train to Brussells, and just chilled in our hostel bar. We successfully survived Amsterdam! Fuck you player haters!
The next morning, we met up with some Australian girl, whose friends were dead (or something to that effect) so she joined Slim and I on our journey to this cartoon museum. Fact: The Smurfs and Tintin are both Belgian creations. I almost teared up getting all nostalgic about my childhood in the museum. Slim and I then went to visit the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, which is a famous monument in the city. That evening, we met a couple of cool German dudes who were staying in our room. The four of us went out and proceeded to drink at a bar (I hear that's what people do at bars), but not before we accidentally stumbled through the intensely gay bar district. I was only the victim of six reach-arounds. Hey, it happens.
Sunday morning we were on the move again, this time to Brugge, Belgium. Our first day there, we did absolutely nothing. I think the highlight of our day was ordering some french fries with this "special" sauce which kind of excited us. Later on, we just sat around the hostel bar and played cards with some peeps we had just met from the west coast (Kory, Vanessa, and Jessica). During all of the card playing, happy hour ensued, I got trashed, I went to bed. The end.
The 25th of June was the beginning of our last week in Europe. We decided there was not much we wanted to see in Brugge, so we took a daytrip to Ypres, home to some of the most famed battles during World War I. Flanders' Fields lies just outside of the city, as do many famous battlefields. Sadly, we arrived too late in the day and were restrcited to the city limits. So on that note, we visited the 'In Flanders Fields Museum', the Menin Gate (dedicated to the over 100,000 British soldiers who lost their lives fighting in the area but were never found), and Ramparts Cemetary. If this trip has helped me with one thing, it is definately my WWI and WWII knowledge. The history is everywhere, and it is simply amazing. After that, it was more of the same, in the form of playing cards with the peeps and a well-timed Happy Hour.
Tuesday was basically a write-off, as our only plan was to make our way back to London that night. The highlight of the day was the delicious Pizza Hut buffet. Fuck I love the Hut. Repeat. Fuck I love the Hut. After eating twenty slice between us, the travel started......
A) Bus to train station (15 minutes)
B) train to Brussels (1 hour)
C) bus to airport (1 hour)
D) flight to London (1 hour)
E) bus from airport to the inner-city (1 hour)
F) subway to Jon's sister's pad (1 hour).
By the time it was all said and done, including waiting time in between, it was a solid nine hour journey. Riveting.
The next day was our last day before going home, so we figured we should make it count. We woke up bright and early and made our way to the other side of London (no small feat) and got our asses over to Wimbledon to take in the world's most prestigious tennis tournament. After waiting in line for a couple of hours for tickets, we finally got in and were treated to a bit of world class tennis before the rain finally started to come down (anyone who has been following the tournament this year knows that this is a daily occurence). We watched women's singles matches between D. Safina vs K. Bondarenko and M. Hingis vs A. Nakamura, and finally a doubles match featuring Canada's Daniel Nestor, although this last match got rained out during the first set. After the matches, we had a dinner date with my cousin Melissa and her husband Rich. She has been living in the U.K. for over five years now, during which time I have never seen her. It's been too long, but it was good to see her, and her husband was a super nice guy. After that, it was back to pack for the next day's flights back to Canada.
Well, by Thursday, it was all over but the crying. We said our goodbyes and made our way across London yet again for one final time. A few hours later, we were back in Toronto. But there was one slight problem. My luggage never showed up! After filling out some forms and what not, I was told my luggage would come in the next day, which shockingly it actually did! A chaotic finish to a crazy trip. $10,000 later, and I can honestly say it was worth every penny, as it is an experience I will not soon forget (provided I avoid Amsterdam in the foreseeable future!).
THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE WHO HAS GIVEN ME FEEDBACK ABOUT THE TRIP. I LOVE TO HEAR WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY. ON THAT NOTE, I WILL START TO KEEP JOURNALS OF FUTURE TRAVELS. LATER THIS YEAR LOOK FOR TRIP REPORTS FROM NEW YORK CITY (JULY), LAS VEGAS (AUGUST), AND CHINA (EITHER SEPTEMBER OR OCTOBER). THEY WILL BE MUCH, MUCH SHORTER JAUNTS, BUT I SHALL TRY AND KEEP THEM ENTERTAINING FOR ALL.
~BRENTSKI~
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Eurotrip ´07 - June 17 - Germany + Beer = Brent In Love...Part 9/10
(Originally published June 17, 2007)
(Pictured: Cinderella still lives here. At least that's what my magical glass of beer told me.)So Tuesday afternoon we rolled into the happenin´ town of Munich, home of Oktoberfest and the world famous beer gardens. I looked in the mirror, gave myself the once over, and........promplty headed to Pizza Hut for some stuffed-crust pizza. Exotic cuisine indeed! That night Slim and I headed over to the Augustinerkeller Beer Garden. The entire garden is situated outside under these massive chestnut trees, but low and behold after a couple of hours it started to pour. We were forced to take refuge under some kind German folks´ private table and tent. Slim also saw this as the perfect time to steal one of the famous one litre beer mugs that you get your beer in. Not the easiest thing to smuggle out, but we managed just fine.
The next day, we decided to see what Munich had to offer via the guided walking tour. Much like Berlin, much of the city was bombed to the ground during World War II. Unlike Berlin, there isn´t much here in the way of cool shit. Munich is famous for beer. Period. The one positive of the walking tour was that we stopped for a beer break, where I promptly did away with an ice cold litre of Germany´s finest ale. That night, we decided to check out the world-famous Hofbrauhaus. We took our seats, ordered up some brews and Bavarian cuisine (basically a million different varities of sausages and jumbo overly-salted pretzels) and started to let the good times roll. We were already a few beers in when some friendly German folks set-up shop beside us. On the other side I was socialzing with some American executives from Bausch and Lomb who were well on thier way to catching me and Slim for drunkness. The one American dude pulled out his company credit card and ordered a round for everyone (nine of us at this time!). Pretty nice gesture considering it cost over $80 and was the equivalent of ordering twenty-seven beers back home in one shot! Needless to say we closed the place down and had a walk home that neither of us can recall (all we know is we smoked two cigars, which were missing from our package, and we somehow made it to bed!).
Thursday, the 14th of June, we were a hurting unit. Slim wanted to visit Dachau (imprisonment/concentration camp) on the outskirts of Munich where over 206,000 people where imprisoned between 1933 and 1945. About 25% of the prisoners (Jews, homosexuals, gypises, POW) died here, although the gas chambers were never put into use (although they are there and just as equally eerie to see regardless). It was quite the harrowing and humbling experience, although it is good to see Germany face its dark-past and pay homage to those who were lost in some of the darkest days of modern humanity. On the way back, we ran into a couple (Chris and his girlfirend) who we had been chilling with the day before, That night, Slim and I made our way to our third beer garden in three nights, this time the Chinese Garden, which is located in the Englischer Garten (larger than Hyde Park and Central Park). Long story short, we ate and drank some more big beers and stumbled our asses back to the hostel.
Friday, we took a day trip a couple hours out of Munich to visit Neuschwanstein Castle, or as most people call it, the Cinderella castle. It is this beautiful castle cut into the side of the Alps, that was the basis for the castle in the animated movie Cinderella, and also appears as the backdrop for the Walt Disney Logo as we now know it. That night, we got back kind of late so we made another pilgrimage to Pizza Hut before closing out the night in our hostel´s bar, which was pretty poppin´.
Saturday, we hopped on a train and arrived in Heidelberg, Germany a couple of hours later. Heidelgerg is home to one of the other famous castles in Europe, as well as the oldest university in Germany. That afternoon, we just visited the castle before doing some souvenir shopping. It was here that I made the purchase of a lifetime in the form of Das Boot! Anyone who´s seen the movie "Beerfest" knows what I´m talking about, and I can´t wait to get home and test this puppy out! For dinner, we decided to check out the Hard Rock Cafe. They were serving cheap cocktails all night, which led to us staying there, getting pretty hammed all night and chilling with some local university students before retiring to our residence. Sadly we were just too gassed to hit up the local clubs. Damn I´m getting weak at my old age!
Today, we were back on the trains, this time our stop was Cologne, Germany (home of the famous Eau De Cologne). On the train, I was constantly being harrassed by this baby who would just randomly pop up in between my seats every couple of minutes. Good thing I am also easily amused and we got along together just nicely playing ball and such. Sadly, the place where cologne was invented was closed, so we headed over to the chocolate museum. It was way better than the other chocolate museum in Barcelona, and I am still in awe that they put that many millions of dollars into building a chocolate museum. But hey, as long as dumb tourists like me keep showing up, the chocolate shall flow like gold! Tonight I shall take it easy as tomorrow will bring the toughest test of all for my health...Amsterdam for four nights.
Anyways, I hear some German draught calling my name! Stay classy!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Eurotrip ´07 - June 12 - The Communist Party. Good Times...Part 8/10
(Originally published June 12, 2007)
(Pictured: Prague at night. Some of the oldest architecture in Europe, as Prague was one of the only major European cities not bombed during WWII.)So our first night in Prague was pretty uneventful. Like most cities that we end up spening multiple nights in, we basically just went to the convenience store, bought a bunch of beer and proceeded to get loaded in a public park. God bless Europe and their lack of "open alcohol in public" laws.
Sunday we were propistioned by a couple of our roommates, Veemer and Anaan to go on the walking tour of Prague. Being the good sports that we are, we naturally said yes and the four of us perfectly straight men were off on a date. The tour in general was pretty shitty, mostly due to the guide´s poor English. But he did take us to all of the major tourist sites, such as the Charles Bridge, Prague Castle, Old Town Square, and the John Lennon Wall. During the tour, Slim met a couple of American girls, and we all agreed to meet up that night and go to some big 5-storey club. Early in the evening, I went to play some poker but the game never started up so I went back to the hostel and was greeted by Slim and the one and only Cindy who had arrived from Vienna. They were boozing it up on the patio, and were quickly joined by myself and a collection of other characters from the hostel. That night our posse of about twelve or so made it to the club (a little late, due to excessive patio drinking = fucked Slim over with the not-so-impressed-Americans) and danced the night away to ridiculously cheezy early 90s dance music and some crazy 80s pop music. Best workout I´ve had since the collapse of the Berlin Wall. Sidenote: Later that night, after the bar, Slim and some other dudes were propositioned to go to a midget strip club (no joke!), where you could get it on with the midgets or watch them indulge in midget sex.....I definately would have gone in, but hey that´s just me!
Monday we were back hard on the tourist trail after one of the rougher nights of our vacation. During the day Slim, Cindy, and I hit up the Museum of Medieval Torture (no explanation needed) as well as the Communist Museum (I think our British mate was rather bored to tears). That afternoon, I wanted to go the Museum of Sexual Instruments, but no one would go with me, so I shall just have to wait until Amsterdam for the live sex shows instead.
Tuesday, June 5th, I for some ungodly reason was put in charge of giving Cindy a walking tour of Prague and trying to remember information from a tour I never paid attention to in the first place. Let´s just say my tour was a little rough around the edges....That night, Slim, Cindy, Veemer, Anand, myself and some others did our own version of a pub crawl. First we wanted to go get shit-faced on the swan boats and paddle boats but they were closed, so we had to settle for a bunch of pubs instead. Thanks to Veemer (and his ridiculous smuggling skills), I was also able to get my first taste of some Amsterdam bud, which I rather enjoyed as I had not smoked since our first weekend in London. Talk about a layoff and a half! Thank God for Ivy League graduates and their awesome drug smuggling skills.
From Prague, we caught a rather lengthy train to Budapest, Hungary. We had to take four trains that day, but we made it! Upon arrival, we were greeted by this crazy-ass hostel (Backpackers), where we stayed in a Bob Marley themed room. Needless to say, that night Slim and I chilled in the hostel bar with a bunch of others and just drank our faces off and smoked some delicious tabacco out of their inhouse hookah pipe (I´m trying to get ready for alll the Turkish people in Germany).
Our first full day in Budapest we decided to check out some of the sites with our new found buddy from the night before, "Seattle" Abe. The three of us checked out the Museum of Terror (former head of the Hungarian Secret Police, really creepy, but awesome and informative), Heroes´Square, some churches and other related shit, and then we went to the thermal baths for the remainder of the afternoon. The thermal baths were pretty amazing. They are all these pools and tubs that are naturally heated by the thermal spings in the ground and reach "hot tub-like" temperatures. There was a large contingent of gay American men there who were saying some pretty freaky shit to each other (hey I eavesdrop) and I almost burst out laughing a few times, but then realized that that may not be the most politically correct thing to do. That night, Slim, Abe, and I decided to hit up this place we had heard about from some of the others called the Mongolian Grill. It was an all you can eat and drink (booze) buffet from 5pm till 12:30am. We were the first people to arrive there that night for dinner (about 5:30pm) and a couple hundred patrons later, the last to leave when they closed the doors. Not surprisingly, it was a bit of a sloppy walk home that definately involved a stop for some more beers from the gas station! In the end though, we got our monies worth and that´s all that matters when you´re partaking in the sport of buffeting!
Friday, young Slim and I decided to go our separate ways for the day. He had made the decision to go caving (where you crawl around in these caves on your stomach, or something to that effect). I, on the other hand, decided to try my hand at the sport of cable-boarding. Cable-boarding, is like wakeboarding, but instead of being pulled by a boat, a cable pulls you around the lake. Needless to say it was quite difficult and I never managed to make it more than sixty feet before I would have this spectacular crash. I think it´s fairly safe to say that my athletic skills have waned significantly over the last few years!
Saturday, was for lack of better words, a fucking nightmare! We spent over twelve hours on trains to try and get to this small German town called Rothenburg Ob Der Tauber (don´t quote me on the spelling), where we would only be spending one night. Because of train delays, we missed the last tour of the day and were therefore relegated to parouse the streets of the ancient walled medieval city on our own for a couple of hours before complete nightfall set in. So yeah, that day really was a complete write-off. Ah well, life goes on.
The next morning we were back on trains (way too common of a theme) and headed for the buzzing metropolis of Berlin. Our first night in Berlin was pretty uneventful as we just tried to find this bar called Dr. Pong´s, which advertised itself as a ping-pong bar. Needless to say, it had closed down recently (and I had wasted three hours of my life I will never get back) and we were left to walk around the streets of Berlin and get drunk the old-fashioned way: by stopping at every take-out store on our journey and purchasing a bottle of some quality German ale. Beer rocks!
Yesterday, June 11, ws a little more productive from a "doing-some-tourist-shit" standpoint. That night I am pretty sure I was attacked by bedbugs as I am completely covered in these fucking bites and I am itchier than a Sasquatch with crabs. In the morning, I went out and got my second European haircut. Again, I had a bit of a communication barrier, but all in all it seemed to turn out okay, that is if your idea of okay is looking like Hitler´s long lost cousin. That afternoon after Slim arose from his beauty sleep we made our way over to the Berlin Zoo, home to Europe´s largest collection of animals. Seeing as how it was about forty degrees Celsius out, every animal was indulging in nap time, and I couldn´t really blame them as i was sweating my bag off and eating copious amounts of ice cream. Following the inner-city safari, we went on a four-hour bike tour of Berlin. We took in all of the major sites in East and West Berlin (ie/ Berlin Wall, Checkpoint Charlie, Museum Island, etc.) and were even subjected to a park full of men all sunbathing naked. That was special, in an Elton John kind of way.
Anyways, we just got in to Munich today and are going to be spending four nights here. Beer garden capital of the world , and home to Oktoberfest. I may have just found heaven on Earth. To the beer gardens I go!!!!
Sidenote: Make sure you wish your old man a Happy Father´s Day this Sunday you goons.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Eurotrip '07 - June 1 - They Speak German, Not Austrian...Part 7/10
(Originally published June 1, 2007)
(Pictured: Venice at night, where the streets have no name. Maybe they do, I'm just making that up)So our first night in Florence, we ended up taking in the finals of the Champions League between Liverpool!!!!! and AC Milan. We couldn't believe it, but every bar in the city had taken reservations for the game annd was booked solid. Luckily, we found a pub that was willing to accept a couple of naive Canadians, and to top it off, they forgot to charge us for one of our pitchers, which saved us about $25! Alright...now if only Liverpool could have found a way to show up for the game....
Our second day in Florence, SlimJim and I went to Accademia in the morning to see Michelangelo's famous statue, David. That statue was pretty awesome, as was much of his other works, and definately ranked as one of the better art museums we have visited. Later on, we took a day trip with our homie from Oklahoma, RyGuy, to visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa. I hate to say it, but it was pretty uneventful, other than when we took the stupid pictures of us trying to hold the tower up. We basically got off the train, walked to see the tower, and then went back to the train and back to Florence. That night, Slim and RyGuy decided to stay in like a couple of weak North Americans, while I hit the town with a wide assortment of characters, including one Japanese dude who spoke like twenty words of English. It was good times all around, as about 6 or 7 of us just got trashed outside of some cafe with the hostel manager, who claimed that it was perfectly okay to leave the hostel without any supervision (he may have been high and or drunk, as he should be!). His English skills basically consisted of the words "cool man!" and that's all he said to us in his mocking Iranian/Italian/American accent over the course of two days. What a fucker!
Friday, the 25th of May saw us make our way to the tourist capital of Italy, Rome. Due to poor planning, we were forced to stay in three different hostels in four nights, and the only hostel we got for multiple nights, we had to switch rooms! Our first night, we stayed in a hostel that was about an hour out of the city centre, as it was actually by the beaches outside of Rome. During the day, we just lounged around the beaches before waiting for the action to kick in. Our friend Cindy from Seville happened to be staying there as well (although she was without Yang who was pronounced dead upon arrival in Italy and had to be shipped back to either England or China, not sure on her immigration status), so we made plans to meet up with her that night. That evening, a large group of Americans, Canadians, and one foreigner, Cindy the Brit, went out for dinner, where we all proceeded to drink heavily except for these two weird girls from the States who had choir practice or some shit in the morning. They definately were not like the rest of us hammer cases! After that, Slim and I proceeded to whoop ass in ping-pong (tried beer pong, glasses were too small, and we were all too drunk) against a bunch of dudes from Montreal. Not yet content with the night, Cindy, Slim and I proceeded to make our way to the beach (red wine in hand), where we found this awesome beach bar that let you bring your own booze in, although I still managed to spend well over $60 on their beer. We partied hard there till the sun came up, which believe me made for a not-so-fun sleep in the foyer of the hostel at about 6am.
Saturday, Slim and I were both viciously hung over and we had to move to a hostel about an hour away from the beaches, back in the city centre of Rome. I tried to go the Vatican that day, but when I arrived there, I was too exhausted (still sweating out my alcohol) and just decided to head back to the hostel for some R&R. When I was just about to leave the Vatican, the Pope came out and gave a speech from his window (a la Eurotrip) and everyone went crazy, as if he was the biggest rock star in the world (that title belongs to Burt Bacharach). That night, Slim, Cindy, and I had predetermined that we were going to do the Spanish Steps pub crawl, which came highly recommended to us. We paid $30 and were given unlimited drinks and pizza for the first hour and a half, as well as a t-shirt (which I naturally lost) followed by vists to four bars/clubs, each with a free shot upon entrance. Needless to say everyone was a train wreck after the first hour and I was most definately feeling the effects for a couple of days after. But hey, good times all around, even if my liver doesn't fully agree that partying till the sun comes up two nights in a row is a good idea!
By Sunday, my hard-partying ways started to catch up with me and I was basically dead. Slim and I went to vist the Colosseum, where it seemed that everyone and their brother was talking about Maximus aka Russell Crowe from Gladiator (solid film by the way). That night was my first dry night in a while, and I hit the sack rather early (11:30pm) in an attempt to partially cleanse my sytem. Bravo!
Monday I decided to make my way back to the Vatican Museum. The line-up was huge (over an hour to get in), but luckily I ran into these guys from the University of Florida who I had partied with in Interlaken and ran into again in Florence, so I chilled with them as we awaited our grand entrance. Let's just say, the museum is not all it's cut out to be, and I went through the paces as fast as I could. That night some peeps at the hostel left me in charge of movie selection, which naturally led to me selecting Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and There's Something About Mary as the night's viewing fare. What can I say, I got great taste!
The 29th of May saw the Brent and Slim show make their way to the romance capital of the world, Venice. We got in fairly late in the afternoon, so we just explored the city and its crazy maze of streets and canals. It's ridiculous how fast the city is sinking (I believe 1 inch per year), and many parts of it are already under water. Sad to say, but I don't think Venice will be around too much longer. People had warned us that Venice was extremely confusing and they weren't lying. Slim and I got lost for over two hours, during which time he kept trying to seduce me, but I wasn't having any of that (sick bastard)! That night while I was out exploring the streets, I was propositioned by some hookers, as I should be (always helps out with my ego issues).
Our second day in Venice was a little more productive than the first. We made our way into the city at a decent time and purchased our one day water bus pass for the over-the-top price of $23! When in Venice! The funny thing was that you didn't really need a pass because no one ever checks them, as all the buses are packed full and quite frankly, I just don't think the drivers care! Good thing when we were on the boat I had my newly minted Venetian Sailor's cap, which definately gave me a real sense of worthiness out on the open waters (in reality I looked like a tool, but the sheer novelty of the cap was too much to bear). That afernoon, we made our way out to one of the Venetian islands, Lido, where Slim proceeded to whoop my out-of-shape ass in some beach soccer. I almost stopped breathing on several occasions, but managed to make it through the ordeal alive.
Tuesday morning, it was time to move on up in the world, out of Italy, and on to Salzburg, Austria. Austria was going to be a quick two days and out, so we had to actually do some productive tourist stuff while there. That afternoon, we visited Festung Hohensalzburg, which is the largest preserved castle (never attacked) in all of Europe. I wish that one was as exciting as it sounds, but quite frankly it wasn't! We also visited the city's most famed residence, that of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. I'll let you imagine what it looked like (don't get too creative). That night, was the earliest I think I have been to bed since I was about six months old. I hit the hay at 8:30pm and didn't rise until 9:30am the next day. When my body started shaking that day, I think it was telling me that I really have to slow down on the substance abuse front for a few days and catch up on some sleep.
The next morning, Slim and I went to vist Mozart's Geburtshaus (birthplace). After that we boarded a day train, as we were off to visit the largest ice caves in the world, known as Eisriesnwelt (don't even ask me to translate that one!). Once we got there, we had a bit of a hike, followed by a cable car ride up a mountain to the entrance of the ice caves, whereupon entrance we were given a guided tour. Inside was unlike anything I have even seen before! Just walls and walls of ice, which have been swept into these crazy shapes by the wind over the course of thousands of years. Definately something I would recommend to anyone visiting Austria, a true marvel of nature. That night I just pounded a few Stiegl's (good Austrian beer) back with some of the others in the hostel bar, where we were unfortunate enough to be joined by this one dude from San Francisco who was the biggest tool in the world, and kept trying to talk down to us, when in fact he was always wrong. Whatever, morons are abound everywhere, look no further than the author for proof of that one.
SO......it's now the first of June, I have freshly arrived in Prage, Czech Republic and I'm still alive. So far my casualty list includes:
2 corkscrews (either corks here are tough, or their corckscrews are shit)
2 t-shirts (one lost during the pub crawl, other got doused in red wine, by a certain somebody, not naming any names)
2 pairs of sunglasses (one pair just mysteriously broke, other got crippled in transport)
1 Toronto Blue Jays Hat (left it at some dude's house in London, damn I loved that hat)
.....and prolly more shit that I can't even think of.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Eurotrip '07 - May 23 - ITALIA! ITALIA! (Baggio Still Sucks)...Part 6/10
(Originally published May 23, 2007)
(Pictured: One of the `Bern Bears`. Like a well-trained puppy, only slightly bigger and oh a larger snout!)Well it's been over four weeks now and I'm still alive! I'm pretty sure most people thought I would be long dead by now, but I'm still kicking (although my liver is shot and my wallet significantly lighter then when I left for the old country). Miraculously, I also managed to survive my $30 haircut in Switzerland, where I think I said a total of four words to the hairdresser who I think wanted to kill me, but that's neither here nor there.
So Thursday we headed off to the capital city of Switzerland, Bern. When we arrived the place was like a ghost town and everything was closed down. Low and behold, it was a holiday, as seems to be the case about every four or five days in Europe. Bern wasn't exactly poppin' off or for that matter full of touristy shit to do. We visted Albert Einstein's former pad (still don't understand any of that relative theory shit); the tallest jet stream in Europe, and this thing called the Bern Bear Pit, where they have thses two brown bears basically living in the city (kind of like a one animal zoo I guess). When we checked into our hostel the lady running the joint said that she takes strict care of the kitchen, and I in turn said, "so you're basically like the kitchen Nazi". The room immediately went silent and I realized that that may not have been the best thing to say to someone in the German speaking part of Switzerland. That night I had a second blunder as I left our room door wide open for about four hours with literally $600 in cash and a couple thousand dollars worth of stuff just laying there. Thank God it was Switzerland though and all my shiznat was still there when I stumbled up later.
Friday we jetted off to a small town in central Switzerland known as Interlaken. It's a big tourist destination full of hiking, extreme sports and just tons of outdoor crap in general. Literally every picture you take there looks like a postcard and most of them look like you're green screening yourself into the shots. It's absolutely gorgeous. Slim and I decided to indulge in some Friday afternoon hiking, which consisted of a 2.5 hour climb up this mountain known as Harder Kulm (loose translation: BIG MOTHERFUCKIN HILL THAT WILL MAKE YOU SWEAT YOUR BALLS OFF) and then a one hour jaunt down. The hike was crazy and I was so gassed that night that there was only one extreme sport I was going to participate in: getting shit-faced with like-minded North Americans!
Saturday we decided to take a short train ride over to this other little town known as Lauterbrunnen to do some more hiking/sight-seeing. There we visted Trummelbach Fallls, which are the only glacial waterfalls in all of Europe that can be accessed by the public. It was pretty sweet, as you pay like $10 and they take you up this elevator a few hundred feet and then you enter these caves where it's so cold from the waterfalls you can see your breath. Meanwhile, outside it's so hot your genitals are sticking to the side of your legs.That night I proceeded to make a large quantity alcoholic beverage purchase from the local store with big plans of boozing hard. Luckily I ran into this dude named Paco from New Mexico who was basically a Hispanic version of me and we proceeded to do some international relations work with the help of our good friends at Ruggenbrau Beer.
Sunday was basically a nothing day. We jetted from Interlaken and made our way to the real Woodbridge aka Italy. Our first night we spent in Milan. There we decided to take it easy, as the only big attraction we hit up was the Duomo, which is the third largest church in the world. I'm pretty jaded on churches right now though, so they all kind of seem the same to me now. That night was the first time in the entire trip we had some TV, so I just spent the night watching quality MTV programs like "Pimp My Ride" and "Reality TV: Where Are They Now?".
Monday morning we boogyed down to Cinque Terre from Milan. Cinque Terre is this Italian coastal region of these five villages that are all connected by hiking paths. The place used to be like a hidden gem, but now it's so overrun by North Americans that it's just like everywhere else you go (except smaller and a lot more scenic). We got there later than we planned, so Slim just went and worked on his tan (scary thought I know), and I just hiked around and drank some ale.
Tuesday we woke up and decided to hit the hiking trails. We covered all of the trails between the villages in a few hours and were thorougly gassed. Slim had had enough hiking and decided to go for a dip in the ocean, while I (I'm thoroughly afraid of being eaten alive by a giant fish) decided to tough it out and hit some more trails so I could avoid being killed in two feet of water. That night we stayed in and chilled with a bunch of people we were rooming with. Man, I tell you it seems every American you meet thinks we live in snow all the time, and are basically so oblivious to anything outside of America that it's scary. We were staying with a girl in law school from Mississippi and a dude who goes to an Ivy League school (Penn) and Slim and I were both more in tune to American politics/general world knowledge than they were. To me if you're going to those kinds of schools you should damn well be smarter than a fucking construction worker from Canada. Shameful.
So today we arrived in Florence here and man it just seems to be getting hotter and hotter every day in Italy. Tonight we're going to check out the Champion's League Final between Liverpool and AC Milan, and you damn well better believe I'm hoping that the Reds whoop some Italian ass!
Sidenote: It is totally bizarre how all of the real Italian people in Italy speak better English than those who move to Canada and have lived there for like fifty years. Someone should tell the Italian-Canadian community this, as it's rather quite comical.
Anyways, hope all y'all mofos have a party-hardy weekend and remember to stay classy, cause THAT'S HOW I ROLL!!!
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