Day 52 (January 9, 2013)- Will The Fish Be Able To Massage Me Through My Yeti-Like Legs?

There is nothing quite like the feeling of waking up at the crack of dawn on vacation...At least that's what I hear from lots of old people.  Colleen and I generally prefer to wake up around lunch time when given the option and go from there.  So with that, sometime around most average people's lunch hour we took the hotel shuttle bus into town.  And by shuttle bus I of course mean modified pickup truck where you just sit in the back of said truck while it whizzes down the highway at 100 kilometers per hour.  Apparently Best Western's in the Eastern Hemisphere have different codes of conduct for guest safety than they do in the West.

Two tickets to the gun show anyone?

Once safely landed in the tourist town of Hua Hin, we strolled around and took in the sights, including the rail station, some statue of a boxer I had never heard of, Starbucks, McDonalds, and of course Burger King.  Yup, it's safe to say that Thailand is completely overrun!  In fact, when we went in to the BK (I've heard that's what the kids are calling it these days) we noticed that there was not even one sign/menu written in Thai.  The entire store looked as if it had been ripped right out of suburban Ontario.  And the prices were the exact same, if not higher than they are in Canada! Thankfully, my faith that all was still not right in Thailand was restored when we spotted a bathroom outside the train station that said "Toilet For Cripple".  I'm not sure if something got lost in translation there, or if political correctness as it pertains to people of disabilities in nonexistent in Southeast Asia.

This just oozes political correctness.

Ronald is a man of many faiths (as long as there is money to made)!

Seeing as how the vast majority of people who come to Thailand do so for its sex tourism magnificent beaches, Colleen and I figured that it was probably time for us to head down to the water and catch our first glimpse of the Gulf of Thailand.  Almost immediately upon hitting the sand, we were harassed like crazy by a seemingly endless stream of vendors and similar minded folks.  All of the dudes were super eager for us to sit in their beach chairs and we held out for as long as we could.  Eventually, we caved and grabbed a seat from a sketchy teenager who looked like an extra from Bangkok Dangerous and ordered a couple of overpriced, shitty tasting cocktail drinks off of him.  The drinks were so terrible that we couldn't even finish them, and anyone who knows me knows that it would have to be a pretty terrible drink for ME not to finish it.  To make matters worse, when we went to leave we were informed that we also had to pay a "chair fee" of about $3.50 each for the privilege of sitting in their chairs.  Let me just say that my first impression of beach culture in the Thailand was off to a less than favorable start.

 

Really mature Colleen!

 Since neither of us thought to bring our bathing suits to the beach (we're smart like that) we spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around the streets of Hua Hin.  After our disappointing drinks along the beach, we stopped for some drinks at a "regular" land-based bar.  I decided to play it safe and stick with beer, while Colleen kept trying her luck (and striking out) with mixed drinks.  During our wandering, we happened to come across a massage place that had some fish tanks out front that were full of sucker fish and had signs praising the virtues of sticking your feet in these tanks and having the fish eat away at all of your dead skin.  There was a Russian dad and his two kids getting their limbs eaten away in the one tank, so Colleen decided that I just had to do it (She was too afraid)!  Not really sure what to expect, I paid the lady a few bucks and plunged my feet into the tank.  Within a second or two, I literally had hundreds of fish clinging to the lower half of my legs  and it would be safe to assume that I was thoroughly creeped out.  I immediately drew the attention of everyone nearby, including the Russians as it was apparent that the fish LOVED my legs a lot more than anybody else.  They couldn't get enough!  I'm not sure if it was the fact that I had a lot of dead skin or that the fish were trying to use my hairy legs as some sort of sucker fish mating ground, but whatever it was they did not want to let go of me!  Thankfully after about 15 minutes or so, I was able to emerge in one piece, and it was probably safe to assume that those fish would never see another pair of legs quite as hairy as mine!

Seems legit enough.

Enjoying every second of it...

Don't get lost in my leg hairs little fellas!

Well I guess Doctor Fish are less painful than getting a finger up my butt.

Having survived the fish tank of death, Colleen and I decided to head back to the shuttle bus/pickup truck stop.  Not entirely unexpectedly, given Thai people's lack of punctuality, our ride never showed up and we instead got to take our first ever ride on a tuk-tuk, which we shared with a German couple who were also waiting to get back to our hotel.  Tuk-tuks seem to be the symbolic vehicle of Thailand, even if they are mostly used for touting around tourists these days.

Q: What is a tuk-tuk?

A: Wikipedia defines it as " a common means of public transportation in many countries in the world. An auto rickshaw is a usually three-wheeled cabin cycle for private use and a vehicle for hire".

We survived the ride in the overgrown tricycle and once back at the hotel, I promptly started researching "fish massages" online.  What I discovered was that the practice was banned in many U.S. states and Canadian provinces for fear of hygiene issues, although there had yet to be any reports of serious illness or side effects.  Oh well, at least for the first time in my life I took out health insurance before we left home, so I would sleep easy.  That night we decided to check out some restaurant down the road from where we were staying that I believe was called "Giant Restaurant".  All I can really remember is that they had a great setup, beautiful outdoor landscaping, really crappy entertainers and servers, and gigantic menus that were larger than most kids' grade four bristol board projects on King Arthur.  Such is Thailand!

Giant menus indeed!

Giant Restaurant, Hua Hin.

~Brentski~

Day 51 (January 8, 2013)- Who Goes To Thailand To Stay In A Best Western? This Guy! (Mostly His Girlfriend)

Although we had only been in Bangkok a few nights, it was time for us to move upwards and  and more specifically to get out of the huge metropolis.  Between Tokyo and Bangkok we had just spent a couple of weeks in two of the largest cities in the world and it was time to get away from the pure and utter chaos that accompanies such things.  Our next destination was Hua Hin, a mid-size coastal city south of Bangkok.  

Q: Why exactly did we decide to go to Hua Hin you ask? 

A: Brent typed in "beach towns close to Bangkok" in Google and that seemed to be the most popular answer. 

So, with that in mind we packed our heavy-ass backpacks and made our way over to the minibus station.  Colleen and I were delighted to see that the three hour journey to Hua Hin would only cost us $6 each.  While the price may have been delightful, the actual journey was slightly uncomfortable.  We were piled into the van with a bunch of Thai people and were packed tighter than a tube sock in Brent Moreau's underpants at a spandex party.  Despite the claustrophobic transportation conditions, we were able to keep our mind off of the matter at hand thanks to a young (maybe three years old) girl in front of us who insisted on playing games and talking to us for the whole journey even though neither of us could understand a single word that the other was saying.  It was amusing nonetheless, and it was fun to see the girl's bitchy mother keep getting riled up.  The best part was, her mother could not tell me to stop egging her daughter on, as she did not speak any English either!

Unfortunately, the lack of any English language skills amongst our other passengers (or our lack of Thai depending on you want to blame here) eventually bit me in the ass when I realized that we were approaching the area on the outskirts of Hua Hin where I believed our hotel to be located.  As luck would have it, I managed to catch the hotel out of the corner of my eye as we were driving by but I had no way to communicate with the driver that we wanted to stop!  This in turn led to us just sitting in the van like a couple of stooges and waiting for someone else to hopefully get out soon.  A Thai gentleman eventually did get out a few kilometers down the highway, so we ambled out of the van with him and started walking back up the six or eight-lane highway towards our hotel.  Oh, and did I mention that we were both carrying 30 pound backpacks and it was almost 40°C outside?  Yes, fuck my life would be a fitting phrase to use here.  Because we were on a major highway, there was not exactly an abundance of cabs looking to pick people up, so the two of us trudged on, stopping frequently for drinks and cursing ourselves for not learning the Thai word for "stop".  After what seemed like an eternity (was probably 30 or 40 minutes) some dude in a van cab pulled over and asked us where we were going and offered to drive us for $5.  At this point we were both fed up and hopped in, only to discover that we were probably less than 200 meters away from our hotel.  So , after paying $6 each to travel 200 kilometers, we paid $5 to travel 1/1000 of that distance.  I love getting ripped off by Thai people!

Yup, safe to say we did not appropriately discuss our hotel plans before we left Canada.

Despite being ripped off on transportation costs, I could tell that this was more in line with what Colleen had in mind for accommodation when she left home.  We were staying at the Best Western Plus Serenity, an almost brand new Western-style hotel that had huge spacious rooms overlooking a pool that seemed to stretch forever.  Throw in flat screen TVs, king-size beds, rainfall shower heads and all the other amenities that she was expecting and my bank account was not, and you can start to guess what kind of hotels we would be staying in.  Yup, my dreams of traveling on a budget and staying in $5-$10 a night dives was quickly going by the wayside.  

I guess I can't complain TOO much.

Since we had been going out every night in Bangkok, we decided to take it easy and just enjoy our lovely hotel room for the night.  And as Colleen will diligently point out, the bugs can't get us if we are locked inside our air-conditioned, 4-star hotel room!

~Brentski~

This is Colleen's "fuck hostels, hotels rule" face!

Day 50 (January 7, 2013)- "If Anyone Asks Colleen, That Was Your Explosive Diarrhea In The Women's Bathroom"

As anyone who visits Asia knows, it almost feels as if it is a requirement to visit an endless string of temples as you pound the pavement on the tourist trail.  It is no different than church viewing in Italy or prostitution scouting in Amsterdam; it is something that has to be done.  With that in mind, Colleen and I set out for the day and took the BTS Sky Train (monorail) over to the river.  Now Bangkok is not a place that I think most people from the outside view as being overly modern or first world, but I must say their monorail system is really quite nice.  Adding to that point, I recently have also read that Bangkok is now the number one tourist destination in the world, surpassing such places as New York City, Paris, and London.  I guess cheap cross-gender prostitutes are a bigger seller than history and architecture these days.

Upon arriving at the ferry terminal, we crowded into lineups with all the other tourists and bought our day passes to ride the river ferry system.  We then headed upstream to visit one of Thailand's most famous temples, Wat Phra Kaew, which was also home to the Grand Palace.  Like many holy places, there was a dress code which was strictly enforced and that meant legs had to be fully covered, sandals could not be worn, and the top parts of your arms had to be covered as well.  Next thing I knew I was standing next to Colleen dressed in a long skirt and wearing Reeboks and looking like a casting reject from "Breaking Amish".  Pretending I didn't know the woman beside me was probably the highlight of the visit to the holy place also known as the Temple of the Emerald Buddha.  Other than that, the two of us mostly just walked around taking goofy pictures, complaining about the heat, shoving popsicles down our pants and swearing that we were going to be visiting a minimal number of temples on our vacation.

Colleen looking super sexy in her temple get-up. Hubba hubba.

Super exciting temple stuff.

The real fun of visiting such sites is taking stupid pictures.

Thankfully, after we left the temple Colleen swore off her Mennonite look and we took the ferry to the next stop along the river where we were going to visit some medical museum.  Given our poor navigation skills, we ended up just wondering the streets for a while before giving up on ever finding it and decided to just visit a 7/11 instead for some Thai Red Bull (shit's crazy!) and candy.

That's a fake smile.  I felt like death shortly after downing the sugary-caffeine concoction.

Wanting to make sure we maximized the value of our all-day, unlimited rides on the ferry ticket, we again hopped aboard the vessel and made our way to another stop.  Here, we ended up hanging out at some park/old fort and visited the Khao San area of the city.  Anyone who knows Bangkok will know that Khao San is also commonly referred to as the "backpacker ghetto" and is generally how I think most people picture Bangkok to be.  There is a sea of humanity and you are harassed constantly from all angles by people trying to sell you shit, including fake IDs, knockoff suits and counterfeit prescription drugs (generic Viagra anyone?).  Factor in that the area is full of young, and often times intoxicated travelers, and you have yourself a recipe for a very lively atmosphere.  One of my personal favorite sights was a truck that had been converted into a currency exchange/ATM.  That was a first for me, and definitely seemed a little suspect to say the least. One our way back to catch the ferry, my worst fear was realized when all of a sudden my stomach started turning and there wasn't a respectable bathroom to be seen anywhere in sight.  Colleen could see that I wasn't doing well and we quickly started searching for the nearest shitter.  Luckily, we were passing by a park that had some bathrooms, although I quickly discovered that the men's bathrooms were unshittable in (see: too disgusting to describe).  So....Colleen and I devised a plan where she would stand guard outside the women's bathroom while I went inside and proceeded to crap my brains out.  In between random women coming in to use the bathroom Colleen would come in to the bathroom and whisper to me through the door that it was safe to come out.  The only problem was the my butthole was now exploding and there was no way I could leave the stall.  This game of cat-and-mouse went on for about half an hour before I was finally able to free myself and make a run for it before some woman could come in and catch me soiling up the finer sex's toilets.  Lastly on this matter, I just want to thank Colleen for always travelling with baby wipes and/or tissues.  You saved my life that day; or at the very least a pair of my finest Joe Boxers.  

The craziness of Khao San Road.

Seems legit.

Luckily, I survived my gastro-intestinal attack and lived to see the evening.  We were going to be leaving Bangkok the next day, so we opted to do a little street shopping.  The area around our hostel was full of street vendors selling all sorts of things.  I was in the market for a pair of shorts, which was not too easy to find in Asia given my size.  This was made even harder due to the fact that I had put on weight over the last couple of months of being on vacation.  In the end, I bought some shorts that I thought would fit, but alas I discovered back at my room that my girth had grown even larger than I had thought.  The only thing that would take the pain away of discovering that I grown a few pant sizes was to find a Thai bar with a terrible cover band attempting to sing songs in English when in fact they couldn't pronounce three words if their lives depended on it.  Throw in jugs of beer and fishbowls for $5 and you have yourself the perfect pity party.  With a few beverages in our system we headed out into the night in search of the golden arches of Mickey D's.  On our short walk through some back streets, we encountered giant sewer rats, geckos, and the world's nastiest cockroaches.  While Colleen was frightened, I thought it was great as I now figured we could save some money on future zoo admissions.  

Back at the hostel, Colleen fell asleep in a McDonald's induced coma, while I entertained myself with a viewing of "The Hangover2".  Having now been to Thailand, and more specifically Bangkok, I had a new appreciation for the film and found it to be a lot funnier as I could relate to a lot of the things in the movie.  

Colleen's favorite part of the day: hitting the exit at Wat Phra Kaew.

And with that, we would be moving on tomorrow to the sleazy lovely seaside town of Hua Hin.

~Brentski~