Confessions of Non-Outdoorsman (Part 1 of 2)

As all my dear friends know, from the minute I was brought into this lovely world (complete with my rat-tail and purple track pants) I have long been a practitioner of all things relating to the outdoors.  Whether it be camping, hunting, or hosting mud wrestling matches with grizzly bears and aging strippers in my backyard, I have always been one with NATURE.  Well at least that is what I would tell the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad if we all happened to be trapped together in some remote location.

The fact is from the time I was birthed I have been afraid of everything outside of the comfortable confines of a brick and mortar house (and many things inside those walls).  From a very young age, my mother actually thought I was going to grow up to have some serious mental issues (seriously!).  She could not take me out of the house without me screaming and crying as every little critter scared me.  Mosquito. Brent cried. Ant. Brent Cried. Grasshopper. Brent Cried. Bee or wasp. Brent went into hysterics and probably had to be heavily sedated with whatever drugs happened to be nearby. Brent sees a black child. Proclaims to his mother that he must have drank too much chocolate milk. Add to this the fact that the sound of a truck on the road behind our house would send me into a fit/hysterics, well let me just say that my mother and father would have every reason to think that they were going to have to admit me to some kind of home for kids who are pansies.

This fear of all things NATURE is something that still plagues me to this day.  My favourite story is one that takes place a few years after my initial introduction to insects and black people, and is a tale my father still loves telling to this day.

So the story goes, one day after dropping me off at pre-school, my dad, not normally one to notice the acute things in life, noticed that all the other kids were chasing me around the playground and I was hustling as if my life depended on it.  Turns out, they were chasing me with a worm, which in turn caused me to cry like the little Sally I am.  Now, just imagine, seeing your son being hightailed by a gang of 4 and 5 year old hooligans holding a worm on a stick and your offspring running and balling his eyes out as if he were being chased by a pack of rabid hyenas.  Well, I guess my old man found it as funny as the kids, cause he left me there to presumably die a slow and agonizing death at the hands of that slimy 4-inch invertebrate.

Somehow, I managed to survive that dreadful morning some twenty-something years ago, although I must confess I have never overcome my fear and hatred of all things pertaining to NATURE.  As I became a bit older (and no more wiser), I discovered more things that I am afraid of.  When my sister and I would go on frog and toad hunting expeditions, I would make her do all the "hunting" as I was petrified that the little toads were somehow going to cause me bodily harm if I came within three feet of them.  When I would go fishing at my grandparents' cottage, I would never do anything aside from hold the rod in the water.  Put a worm on the hook? Forget about it! And what about if I actually caught a fish?  Well thank god someone else was there, cause there was no fucking way that me and my sweet-ass mushroom cut hair-do were going anywhere near that half-pound sunfish!  And how about swimming in any kind of water that is not a chlorinated pool?  Forget about it!  Maybe you like getting your toes bitten off my guppies and tadpoles, but I happen to like my metatarsal bones to be intact, thank you very much!

There you have it, I am afraid of NATURE.  I admit it, and must say it feels good to get that off my chest.  Last year, I tried to reverse this trend by taking part in the "sport" known as fishing.  I figured since I had moved to the NWT, which is one of the greatest places on earth to fish I should try and reconnect with NATURE.  To say it was a fail would be a massive understatement.  But more on that tomorrow.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes I am still petrified of bees, wasps, hornets, and anything that flies really and am still actively trying to figuring out life's other great mystery; How come I'm still so pale after drinking thousands of litres of chocolate milk?

New Year, New Blog Format, Same Boy-Man

Well, I made it! And by made it I mean I have officially survived a year living in Inuvik, Northwest Territories. Some men gauge their level of success on how much money they make, graduating from elite schools, or solving world problems like hunger and cancer. Unfortunately, I am not one of these overachievers and have thus resigned the high point of my life to this: I can now list on my future resumes that I worked for over twelve months as an "Arctic restaurant server". I'm not sure this will get me very far career wise, but then again I'm not sure I could really digress any further from my current situation. As I write this, I cannot see more than a few feet out my window and The Weather Network informs me that it is currently -34°C outside with wind gusts of 83 kilometres an hour. Oh, and I did I mention that it is dark out in the middle of the afternoon? Yes, it is safe to say that living this close to Santa Claus' headquarters is not for everyone.

Having said all that, I must say that the last year is one I will remember for a lot of good reasons.  First and foremost, moving to the Northwest Territories led me to my current "romantic" situation, with my girlfriend of over half a year, Colleen. Without getting too sappy, I will just say that we both worked together at the restaurant I am employed by, although she now currently works at the bank in town. We get along quite swimmingly (kind of scary, actually) and my life is the least dramatic it has been since I started sprouting pubic hairs. Some people might call this boring, well I prefer to think of myself as an aging veteran who has rounded the corner on his sometimes over-the-top past. Gone are the days of constant public urination, blacking out in public for half the night (prefer to do it at home now) and not knowing why I'm sleeping on my parents' front steps in a t-shirt in the middle of winter. Yes, I am a reformed citizen of the socialist nation of Canada. Well, for the most part at least. I still have my moments, as anyone who has seen some of my girlfriend's scrupulous pictures of me can attest to.

One of my other goals when I first moved here a year ago was to attempt to save some semi-serious coin for the first time in my life. Well I have had success in the past saving in short spurts, this was usually to fund trips to places like Europe, China and Australia, where my capital quickly evaporated living life in the fast (and sometimes sloppy!) lane. Upon my arrival here last January, I was debt-free and ready to save. I did find that I was good at saving, but I also found that I was still pretty good at partying. I also took a month off in April, where I went back home for my friends' wedding (amongst other things), which cost me about $6000. Factor into this the fact that I was not working for a month, and well ya, you kind of get the picture. Having said all that, it was a great trip and it's always fun to catch up with old friends. This was quickly followed by some more saving through the summer months upon my return. At the end of the summer, my girlfriend and I decided to take another trip down south, which saw us visit a slew of exotic locales in the Yukon, British Columbia, and Ontario. The month off work cost me around the same amount as my previous excursion, but again it was fantastic, with memories I will cherish forever.

Since Colleen and I returned from our last trip in mid-September, I started to focus on saving money much more than I did before. I put aside a set amount each week into my savings account, which I have so far not touched. While I do not live frugally by any means (very hard to do up here with the high cost of things), I have definitely cut down on my "public drinking/fraternizing" if you will, and allow myself a beer/alcohol allowance each week (still more than I spend on groceries!). With all that in mind, I feel I have done a fairly good job of saving money the last few months, and am eagerly optimistic that I can keep the good vibes rolling!

On that note, I will say that I will be blogging a lot more regularly this year, although my posts will be significantly shorter than they have been in the past. I have discovered that at this point in time I do not have the discipline to write lengthy entries, and will therefore instead focus my energy on writing shorter pieces on a more frequent basis as opposed to posting a long, rambling blog after every other lunar eclipse!

All the best to everyone in 2012 and remember to stay classy.

~Brent~

Wednesday, May 11, 2011- No Heat, No Stove, No Hot Water, No Problem! (Inuvik Part 4)

Before moving to Inuvik, Northwest Territories, two of the more intriguing things that I worried about were what my living conditions were going to be like and what the hell did people do for entertainment around these here parts in the winter! Well my friends, I shall attempt to address these not-so-pressing questions, in this my final "introductory" blog to life above the Arctic Circle. Before moving up here, one of the "perks" of the job I was promised was my own one bedroom apartment, complete with all the furnishings that one could ask for. On top of this, my employer subsidizes half of our rent, so I thought it would be a pretty much straight forward winning session! Well this notion I had drummed up in my tiny brain was quickly shot down, as upon my arrival in the -30°C temperatures the first thing I managed to notice was that there were two service trucks outside of my new apartment. My boss casually informed me that they had been having some "issues" with the heating in the building. Not exactly the first thing you want to hear upon arrival in a place like Inuvik in early January, but my options for a place to live were pretty limited. With that in mind, I unpacked my two suitcases that possessed all of my worldly possessions and attempted to settle into my new apartment. Myself and the new apartment had issues right out of the gate. While the apartment was a fair-sized one bedroom apartment with a full kitchen and bathroom, it was apparent almost immediately that she (yes, my apartment is a female for all intensive purposes) and I would not always be seeing eye-to-eye. As I started to settle into the new pad, I quickly discovered that there were some issues with my apartment that were not going to be patched up anytime soon. First, was the aforementioned heating. Turns out there were some major heating issues throughout the whole building. Let me tell you, there is nothing at all appealing about having to watch TV with your full "outdoor" gear on, or sleep with your parka on. In addition to my heating that probably worked less than 20% of the time, I also had a oven that did not work and three out of the four burners on my stove were not working at times either. Factor in that my toilet also ran non-stop and my television was a complete piece of shit that made everything look like it was from a television show set on Mars and you have all the makings of a legendary apartment. Oh, and did I mention that my "fully furnished" kitchen came with exactly ZERO pieces of kitchenware. Not even a fuckin' spork I tell ya! Most of the problems with my apartment I came to live with, and I addressed the heating issue by purchasing a small space heater, which it turns out was a terrible idea as it was more than doubling my hydro bill and was mildly effective at best! Those first few weeks I must say I was definitely questioning what the hell I had gotten myself into. Luckily, things in the living department took a sudden change for the better... After surviving not only the coldest and darkest month of my life (we were getting at one point less than four hours of sunlight a day) I was randomly told one day that an apartment had opened up on the bottom floor of my building, which were considered the "premium" apartments as they were built in the last couple of years. A far cry from the apartments on the top two floors of the building which resembled the crack dens you might see in 70s blaxploitation films, shag carpeting and all. Since I had the worst apartment on the block, I was thus given the keys to a new place and let me tell you it was like night and day! While it had a very similar layout to my original apartment, it was far more modern, had a much larger bathroom, all new appliances, and even came with kitchen supplies! I must say, I have settled into my new apartment quite nicely, and having heat definitely doesn't hurt either. The only major problem with it is the fact that I often times have no hot water in my shower. Now I have done many things in my life that are pretty joyless (see: agreeing to let women pluck your eyebrows while intoxicated), but taking an ice cold shower when it's -40°C outside might definitely take the cake. I contemplated complaining about this, but given what I had just moved from I figured it was best to keep my pie hole shut. Having said all that, it is now the middle of May and I have settled in quite nicely, my hot water is not quite as fleeting as it once was and I can say my apartment actually feels a little bit like "my home" now. A touching story, I know. Now on to the more pressing issue of WHAT THE FUCK DO PEOPLE DO FOR ENTERTAINMENT IN INUVIK? While I wish I could tell you some romantic tale of me cooking moose meat by an open fire, but the reality is that our main source of entertainment up here revolves around drinking heavily and making asses out of ourselves (or is that just me?). The busiest spot in town on any given night is the only real bar/pub in town called "The Mad Trapper". If you ever want to see an eclectic crew on a dance floor, than this place is your kingdom. On any given night, you can see people as old as eighty working on their dance moves beside kids who are barely of legal age to drink. All this, while Lady Gaga or Eminem plays over the sound system, makes for some ridiculous moments to say the least. Add to this equation the fact that they have also have a cover band (they come up from the south and usually stay for about two months at a time) playing every night and my friend you've got yourself a proper venue for a nightly hoedown! As mentioned, the crowd at the "Trapper" as its affectionately known is very wide-ranging, with a good mix of locals and southerners alike and people of all ages, shapes, and colours. To say that I've had only a few rough nights there would be like Pamela Anderson saying she's only nibbled on a few wieners. The only other real social/drinking venue in town aside from the pub and the restaurant where I work is "Shivers Lounge", which is conveniently located right across the hallway from my place of employment in the ground floor of the Mackenzie Hotel. While I do go there on occasion, it's not usually to get loser pissed. It's the place to go when you want to watch the UFC pay-per-views or maybe just have a quieter/more reserved night. As it is quite expensive to drink up here at the bars (and at home for that matter) we usually have a pre-party at someone's apartment in our building. These are quite easy to bring together, as almost all of the restaurant staff live in the same building. We also used to have a good amount of after parties that would usually run until like 6:00am, but these have slowed down as of late due to noise complaints from other neighbours, that in turn leads to us being given final warnings before being evicted and thus having to go live at the Inuvik Homeless Shelter. While the shelter might make for some interesting stories, I'm not too keen to move in there just yet! Other than the aforementioned hobby of professional partying, most of my other past times generally tend to be the same as back home. I spend a lot of time stalking people on Facebook, watching TV, reading and when I feel really energetic, working out (sorry for the bad mental image ladies)! When I'm not working, I also tend to hang out with my friends a bit and occasionally some of the gentlemen arrange for a game of poker, which almost always involves me losing a nice chunk of my pay cheque. The only really "northern" winter activity I have experienced since being up here was that I got to go out snowmobiling a couple of times thanks to my boss being generous and letting me borrow one of his brand new sleds. I must say this was super-awesome fun, even if I did fall off the sled once going 60/mph and found myself doing multiple somersaults beside my sled as it drove away from me and witnessing my life flash before my eyes! Never one to be deterred by near death experiences, I forged on and had must say some of the scenery I saw in the bush surrounding Inuvik was some of the most spectacular I've seen anywhere! Aside from the sledding, I don't venture outside too often except to get from Point A to Point B using the old heel-toe express. I was supposed to go dog-sledding (the big touristy thing to do here in the winter), but ended up putting it off a bunch of times and will now wait for next winter until I try to tame the wild mutts. From here on out, I shall try to add a blog update as I see fit, which will probably be every few weeks unless something crazy happens that I feel I should document. Before that though I will first post a couple of blogs that will document my trip home in the month of April that will document amongst other things a bachelor party, rave, 4/20 rally, wedding, trip to Florida, and a bunch of other shenanigans. Thanks everyone for reading and be prepared....my next blog might be slightly ridiculous! Cheers, ~Brent~