In case you missed or feel like a refresher, the first three parts of the story are linked below....
Quick Recap of the story so far…
- We failed miserably at our initial attempt to fill a birthing tub in our living room and my wife was now very close to giving birth in our bath tub after I almost flooded our house
- Baby Moreau was just about ready to enter the world!
- All people’s names outside of my wife and I have had their names changed to characters from Sex and The City. I am sure they would not have wanted it any other way
It was officially go-time as Colleen was in the water, albeit in our bathroom, and there were three midwives, myself, and a doula all crammed in to our not-so large bathroom with her. As Colleen entered the final 45 minutes or so, fatigue was definitely starting to set in. It was now well after 1:00a.m and the midwives and doula were working their magic. In between pushes, my now exhausted wife was constantly asking “how many more pushes!?” and proclaiming that she couldn’t go on. The other ladies in attendance were great at giving her vague answers and offering her words of encouragement. Our doula Carrie had also been tasked with photographing the experience by my wife so she was pulling double duty while all of this was carnage was going on. The cycle of insanely loud screams for a minute or two followed by my wife going dead silent and looking like she was going to pass out were in full-on mode now.
And what was I doing during all of this you ask? Why I was of course sitting on the toilet seat beside the tub with one of those little nets you use to scoop dead fish out of your aquarium. And what was that net for you ask? Why it was of course used for scooping the poo-floaters out of the water that inevitably arise as a result of trying to push a human out of your vagina! Yes, my job was to try and scoop up the poops! This is the part you don’t see in the movies. I always just thought that the women give a couple pushes and voila(!), a baby is born. Nope, it can be a messy affair. As a kid I had always wanted to be a marine biologist (true story), until I had my own fish tank and discovered that I didn’t like touching fish, even with a net. So here I was, all these years later and fish-phobia still very present, but now I was using one of those feared nets for something I never thought I would do. Surprising (or maybe not to women who have given birth!) is the fact that the poo, or in this case poo water just becomes kind of an afterthought.
After a few minutes of trying to capture floaters I gave up as we were now getting very close to delivering the sister our fur-son Milo never wanted and would come to be jealous of. Colleen was rotating between pushing, screaming and appearing to almost pass out, while the midwives and doula did their part to make sure everything went smoothly. And there I was: holding my poo net. In all seriousness I was super-proud of my wife and watching a woman give birth will definitely give you a new-found respect for them. The pain that a woman’s body goes through is truly something that I think no man would survive. If we men were the ones who had to give birth the human race would have been extinct a long-time ago (see: one generation)!
Shortly after 2:00am on December 1, 2016, Colleen’s contraction screams were reaching Biblical proportions. I will admit that things started to get really blurry around here, but all of a sudden, there was my wife in the bathtub and one of the midwives was telling us that our baby’s head was starting to emerge. Sure as shit, I looked down and there was a tuft of hair that wasn’t there a couple of minutes prior in the tub! As the midwives got in their positions, it was time for one final push. I vaguely remember one of them telling Colleen that she was going to “catch the baby” herself and Colleen just kind of saying “ok”. This was definitely not something we had planned on, but then again we didn’t plan on having this all go down in our 50 square foot bathroom with 6 people in it. And with that….the final push. Within a matter of moments Colleen was having her final contraction and then in what to this point was the most emotional moment of my life, Adeline Kennedy Moreau was in my wife’s arms!!! It all happened so fast, but sure enough Colleen pushed out our amazingly beautiful daughter and even made the catch unassisted! For the record, she was 7 pounds, 8 ounces, and was born at 2:14am. She also looked like she had recently hit a tanning bed and an all-you-can-eat buffet inside my wife’s belly.
|Photographic evidence that it did in fact happen in da |
As Colleen kneeled in the tub, holding her new found love, Adeline (aka Squishy Moreau), I started shaking and crying. I will admit, I normally only cry at sad movies (real sucker for Nicholas Sparks), but seeing our daughter and my wife brought out a whole new set of emotions in me that I didn’t know were there. It truly was the most magical thing and even just thinking about it four-and-a-half months later brings a big smile to my face. But alas, no time for me to cry, there was still work to do.
|Tough day being born. Better hit the hay.|
|World Record Placenta (hope you're not squeamish!)|
As we moved into the post-birth stuff, it was time to get Colleen fixed up. I was lying beside Colleen in our bed with Adeline on my chest and a pile of meconium was slowly developing (Google definition: the earliest stool of a mammalian infant. Unlike later feces, meconium is composed of materials ingested during the time the infant spends in the uterus). As mentioned in previous blogs, one of our attending midwives was a student, Charlotte. The two other midwives were getting her to do a lot of the “work” on Colleen as she was learning and they were the teachers so-to-speak. Now Charlotte was not completely new to this, as she had told my wife in previous conversations that she had been a part of over forty births. She had been super-awesome throughout the delivery and everything was going as well as we could have hoped for. The next step in getting Colleen’s body back on the road to recovery was for her to receive a couple of stitches to repair any “tearing” that had been done. My God, I should just stop there, but I won’t. Sorry Honey. As Colleen lay there, beyond exhausted, the midwife team prepared her to get a couple of stitches done to her baby-making region. I was kind of half-listening, and my understanding was that the midwives were getting Charlotte to do the first stitch or two and then the more senior ladies would take over. You know, just your classic 4:00am on a Thursday learning experience. So, Colleen assumed the “stirrups” position and it was officially go time on the stitching. With that, Charlotte leaned in to Colleen’s nether regions to start threading the needle and all of a sudden all Colleen felt was a big pile of hair on her hoo-hah and then…CRASH!!! Before we knew what happened, Charlotte was passed out on the floor of our bedroom. Sure as shit, as she leaned in to stitch Colleen up she had fainted right into her lady bits and then crashed to the floor. This all happened rather quickly, and no one really knew what the hell was going on! Here we were at 4 or 5am in the morning, and we have an unconscious midwife on our bedroom floor. Samantha (our head midwife) started calling out to Miranda in the other room as she attempted to do whatever the hell it is you when your student midwife passes out. This also sent me in to a panic and I started screaming like a little bitch for Miranda. Thankfully, Charlotte was not unconscious for too long and came to pretty quickly. To say that she was mortified after an unconscious muff-dive session on my wife would be an understatement! It turns out that it was not the sight of my wife’s vajayjay that had caused her to pass out, but it was in fact exhaustion and the fact that she had not eaten all day. I mean, at least that it was she told us! We might never know the truth…
And with that, our family had a new plus one! The rest of the night and morning went off without a hitch (I think) and as I write this I cannot imagine my life without our daughter. It truly is life’s greatest gift. BEING A DAD IS THE GREATEST THING EVER; WELL AT LEAST UNTIL SHE STARTS SASSING ME IN A FEW YEARS!
|And that my friend's is how you make your dog hate you.|
In adding to the comedy of errors that was the birth of our daughter, I would also just like to add this as a quick footnote. We discovered a couple of days after the birth that in all of the craziness and pandemonium of that night that we forgot to put a memory card in our beautiful SLR camera that we were having our doula take photos with. Naturally, the camera has no internal memory and all of the photos were lost. What made this even more painful is the fact that the midwives and doula were remarking during the birth how great the photos looked. This still chokes my wife up brutally to this day. A few photos were taken with a camera phone and I have shared some of those on here.
As a secondary footnote, a big, big thank you to the midwives and our doula. You guys were all amazing, professional, awesome, and on and on. Through all the craziness it was surprising how “smooth” everything went. I can’t imagine our life without Adeline.
Lastly, thank you to YOU the readers! This blog series has far and away been the most read (or at least clicked on!) material I have posted in the 10+ years I have blogged and I appreciate all of the feedback. If I can make you chuckle even in the slightest I feel like it is mission accomplished. And yeah, I know a lot of my jokes are leaning towards the “shitty Dad joke” genre these days.
OH AND YOU MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE AND DAUGHTER: I LOVE YOU BOTH IMMENSELY AND CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT THE FUTURE HAS IN STORE! ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!
|Fresh out the oven!|
|She'll grow into them (Update: has now outgrown all of them!)||.|
|Who's in charge of the sizing around here?!|