So Leeanna and I are now entering our third week of living in our one room apartment and no one is dead yet, although I have on occasion heard her mumbling to herself in her sleep. She keeps saying something about a plastic bag and head and strangulation and my name all in the same sentence. Must be preparing for a magic trick or something; beats me. Anyways, in the last few weeks I have learned quite a bit about myself and my surroundings here in Australia. In actuality I haven’t really learned anything but have “noticed” some things.
1) First and foremost I can’t for the life of me figure out why Burger King is called Hungry Jack’s. It truly is mind-boggling. To my understanding, Burger King is called BURGER KING everywhere in the world, even in New Zealand which you could practically hit with a cricket ball from Australia if you were so inclined. Blows my fuckin’ mind, really does.
2)Which brings me to possibly the worst pastime this side of Crazy Bones and POGS; cricket. Most of the other popular sports in this country I can at least take an acute interest in such as rugby, Aussie Rules, and surfing, but for the life of me I just can’t get into cricket. From what I can tell the matches go on for days at a time and none of the parties involved ever seem too enthralled by the “sport” to which they are partaking in. I mean I wake up in the morning and cricket is on and when I go to bed that night, the same game is still on TV.
3)Because of the large number of tourists here, no one seems to know what side of the sidewalk to walk on. It is generally accepted that in most countries you walk on the right, although here it is opposite, just as the driving is. This seems to be lost on a good percentage of the humanoids around here and I always seem to find myself swerving all over the sidewalk like some kind of drunken monkey.
4)Beer prices here are atrocious. For starters, at the majority of the liquor stores in the city you can’t get most of the beers in anything larger than a 6-pack. Maybe it’s just a North American thing, but isn’t it easier to buy beer in cases of 24 or 30? Generally for an average lower-priced beer it costs about $16 for 6 beers. If they are available in 24s, the cheapest you are generally going to find them for is about $46. True fact: I was at the store tonight and observed that a 6-pack of Corona costs about $25. Shit, for that price they should include a high-class hooker that cuts your lemon wedges in a thong bikini and gets them into the bottle using only her tongue with her hands tied behind her back.
5)In relation to the above fact, I have noticed that I am starting to get fat. I am not sure how this is, as I walk everywhere and generally heal-toe it a few kilometers per day. I am developing what the mean kids in school used to call “bitch tits”. Guess I better stop eating tacos for dinner every other night. Yeah, that and stop drinking. Might adopt a little African orphan while I’m at it.
6)Having travelled to a variety of large cities both in North America and Europe, I have seen my fair share of homeless-people-with-crazy-drug-dependencies-who-need-to-groom-and-smell-like-my-sister’s-feet, but Melbourne takes the cake. The homeless people here seem to be just fucked right of their tree for the most part and often provide Leeanna and I with some humor/fright on our walks later in the evening. My personal favorite was the other night in Hungry Jack’s. The one homeless dude who smelled like a defecated on raccoon had a green toenail that had to be about 3-inches long. On top of this, he could barely stand-up and right after he got his burger went out and took a snooze on the sidewalk.
7)Television has become a large part of my life due to all my free time. As previously mentioned (even though no one reads this), we only get four channels so I have had time to observe the same shows over and over. One weird thing is how all the big morning shows intersperse infomercials with their regular programming. It’s like watching Good Morning America or Canada AM with 50% of the show talking about the Sham-Wow and Snuggies. This can be super-irritating when you’re trying to consume your Coco Puffs and OJ. Also, the number of wildlife shows on TV here is simply staggering. Needless to say, I am very well informed on such things as emus and rare mountain kangaroos. If anyone wants to know what to do when your pet koala has cancer I can direct you to a good vet. Lastly on the tele front, some shows I have rather started to enjoy that I wasn’t into that much before I left home include Californication, Parks and Recreation, The Office, and How I Met Your Mother. The ladder is a really big hit with me and the lady friend.
8)And one final note: I cannot get over how many Asians there are in Melbourne! I don’t mean this in a racist way, just more of a shocked kind of way. The Chinese and Indian communities here are borderline overwhelming. I don’t think there is a non-Chinese student in any of the universities in the city center. In fact, when we went to the movies last night, I was half expecting them to start dubbing it in Mandarin. What, I’m just sayin’! On that note, if there are any big-time fans of Indian or Chinese cuisine, this is a must visit city for you. Or if you’re lazy, you can just take a walk a through my apartment building and get all the smells from Beijing to New Delhi.
Until next time, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And remember, stay classy and don’t drink and drive. Until next time, cheers!
~Brent~
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009- How Someone Survived Two Years With Me I Will Never Know
The 2nd of December is a day I am not allowed to forget as I might be subject to such things as female-on-male violence or getting my testicles chopped off. Judging by that, you can guess it was my second year anniversary to my lovely girlfriend Leeanna, who in actuality has not committed an act of violence against me in quite some time. Anyways, to get back on track with my tall tales here, we arrived by bus into Melbourne at about 7am after a lovely 12 hour voyage that involved some guy talking very loudly on his cell phone for a long time, a Matthew McConaughey movie, and no one getting their head-chopped off a la Greyhound (sorry I just had to). Upon landing in our new city, we tried for over an hour to figure out what tram we should take to get to our hostel. We never did figure it out correctly, but we got there through a solid combination of smarts and prostitution. After dropping our bags off at our hostel (Victoria Hall [7.5/10]), we took a stroll through the city to get our bearings in what we were hoping would be our future home. We went for quite the walkabout and took in such sights as Federation Square, Rod Laver Arena (tennis, Australian Open), the Melbourne Cricket Grounds, and other stuff that I’m sure no one cares about. As we were sitting on a bench enjoying the sunshine that afternoon, a little birdy decided to give me an anniversary present in the form of a big shit on my shoulder. Leeanna was quite amused as I tried to claim back my now defecated on shirt. That night we went out for dinner to a place called Mama Parma’s and had what is apparently a Melbourne signature dish, the parma. It is basically just breaded chicken or veal that is then topped with a variety of pizza-style toppings. It was quite delicious, although we could not even eat half of it and apparently there is a law in the state of Victoria that does not allow you to take home your leftovers. So sad! Apparently this is due to a lawsuit a few years ago, something I figured would have happened long ago in the United States.
Thursday, after much deliberation and really no research we decided that we were going to make Melbourne our temporary home for the next 3 months. We spent a good part of the day browsing the internet for apartments with not much luck, as most realtors are not willing to let you sign a rent contract for anything less than 6 months. We ended up going to look at one apartment that was located right in the heart of the city and was priced right at about $1200 a month fully furnished. Naturally the apartment was a super-tiny 180 square feet. We told the agent we would give him a call back about his shoebox. For a nightcap, the wife and I headed over to the Ed Hardy Bowling Center (this country seems to rather enjoy Jon Gosselin’s brand of choice) to do some stylish 10 pin bowling. Unfortunately they were full though, and we ended up going to a very similar joint around the corner called Striker Bowling. It was equally chic, with a nice bar, nice lanes, and a great atmosphere. I guess bowling is a lot cooler here than back home. Following our sad attempt at recreating “Kingpin”, we headed back to the hostel to the theatre room and started to watch “Hancock”. In short, the movie sucked and we went to bed.
The next morning it was much of the same, as we perused the internet for apartments and made some calls. We didn’t have much luck, but decided to go and check out one place later in the day. Before that we went over to the Melbourne Gaol (jail, to us Yanks) which was located directly across from our hostel. It is actually one of the top tourist draws in the whole country. It is the oldest jail in Victoria, and has been home to its fair share of top-notch criminals. Amongst those, by far the most well known is Ned Kelly, the Outback Outlaw, who has been portrayed in movies by none other than Heath Ledger and the world’s ugliest man, Mick Jagger. At our apartment viewing, there were a shit-ton of people there, and although we liked the apartment, figured we didn’t have a chance as foreigners and just decided to give up on it. After much discussion about whether or not we wanted to live in a share-house or just get our own pad that would be significantly smaller and danker, we decided on the latter. Luckily (or maybe unluckily!), the first apartment we had viewed was still available and we agreed to meet the realtor to get the paperwork done. As night fell we went out for a nice Friday night sidewalk pasta dinner and stroll through the downtown district before retiring to our ultra-noisy hostel room. Gotta love paper thin windows and walls when you’re located on a busy thoroughfare!
Saturday the 5th of December, 2009 shall officially go down in history as the day that Brent Moreau signed his first real estate papers (aren’t you proud Mom and Dad?). Prior to our meeting with the real estate agent, we headed over to the Melbourne Museum which is apparently the largest museum in the southern hemisphere. I have noticed that things in Australia love to claim they are “the largest in the southern hemisphere”. It was very similar to the Royal Ontario Museum, although it was cheaper to get in ($8) and was much more advanced technologically with regards to interactive exhibits, etc. At 2pm we headed over to OzAsia (no joke) Realty to sign the papers for our big 3 month lease. Everything went okay and we were now the proud renters of 180 square feet on the 14th floor of an old building at the corners of Flinders and Spencer Streets. Our “fully-furnished” apartment consisted of a small bathroom, a futon that doubles as a double bed, a 13” TV with 4 channels, a table that doubles as the TV stand, 2 folding chairs, a small wardrobe, and the world’s smallest kitchenette that includes a microwave, mini-fridge, sink, and minimal cutlery. That’s it folks! Oh, and I did I mention that it is 180 square feet including the bathroom? Haha! That afternoon, Leeanna and I did our first ever domestic shopping for such exciting things as cleaning products, pillows, sheets, and tea towels! We were able to equip or shoebox for under $100 and celebrated by eating Subway yet again for dinner. That night to break in our new place we watched the epic film “Titanic” that was airing on one of our 4 channels. And no, this is not a joke!
Sunday marked another first: the first time I ever grocery shopped with the intent of my long-term consumption in my mind. Now I know why my Mom bitches about how much food we eat. One of the things I have yet to figure out is why produce costs so much in Australia when everything is grown here. Our afternoon consisted of a nice walk along the river which is a minute from our apartment and a stroll through the Crown Casino to check out the facilities (you can guess where this is going). After some delicious gelato (Italian ice cream for those of you who are less cultured) we returned to catch the last bit of the Australian Open golf event on TV. That night I was unfortunately itching to go gambling, as I now literally lived not even 5 minutes from the Crown Casino poker room. Unfortunately things did not go as planned (never do lately) and I lost $500 in the course of about 3.5 hours playing 2/3 No Limit Hold’em and 10/20 Limit Omaha. I have concluded that I just really suck at poker now. I have gone from a few years ago being a fairly successful (and profitable) low/mid-limit player to a bad, losing player with no confidence in my game. I’m like a horse that’s too old to race; I need to be taken out to pasture and shot. That might be a bit harsh but you get the idea.
Today (Monday, the 7th of December), shall be my last official daily entry for a while, as we are now settled down in our apartment and shall attempt to live a somewhat normal life for a while. Bank accounts and tax file (same as SIN numbers in Canada) were the order of business today! I will post weekly updates of what’s happening Down Under with Leeanna and I, as well as my thoughts and opinions on the culture or lack thereof. Again, thank you to everyone who reads and stay classy!
Thursday, after much deliberation and really no research we decided that we were going to make Melbourne our temporary home for the next 3 months. We spent a good part of the day browsing the internet for apartments with not much luck, as most realtors are not willing to let you sign a rent contract for anything less than 6 months. We ended up going to look at one apartment that was located right in the heart of the city and was priced right at about $1200 a month fully furnished. Naturally the apartment was a super-tiny 180 square feet. We told the agent we would give him a call back about his shoebox. For a nightcap, the wife and I headed over to the Ed Hardy Bowling Center (this country seems to rather enjoy Jon Gosselin’s brand of choice) to do some stylish 10 pin bowling. Unfortunately they were full though, and we ended up going to a very similar joint around the corner called Striker Bowling. It was equally chic, with a nice bar, nice lanes, and a great atmosphere. I guess bowling is a lot cooler here than back home. Following our sad attempt at recreating “Kingpin”, we headed back to the hostel to the theatre room and started to watch “Hancock”. In short, the movie sucked and we went to bed.
The next morning it was much of the same, as we perused the internet for apartments and made some calls. We didn’t have much luck, but decided to go and check out one place later in the day. Before that we went over to the Melbourne Gaol (jail, to us Yanks) which was located directly across from our hostel. It is actually one of the top tourist draws in the whole country. It is the oldest jail in Victoria, and has been home to its fair share of top-notch criminals. Amongst those, by far the most well known is Ned Kelly, the Outback Outlaw, who has been portrayed in movies by none other than Heath Ledger and the world’s ugliest man, Mick Jagger. At our apartment viewing, there were a shit-ton of people there, and although we liked the apartment, figured we didn’t have a chance as foreigners and just decided to give up on it. After much discussion about whether or not we wanted to live in a share-house or just get our own pad that would be significantly smaller and danker, we decided on the latter. Luckily (or maybe unluckily!), the first apartment we had viewed was still available and we agreed to meet the realtor to get the paperwork done. As night fell we went out for a nice Friday night sidewalk pasta dinner and stroll through the downtown district before retiring to our ultra-noisy hostel room. Gotta love paper thin windows and walls when you’re located on a busy thoroughfare!
Saturday the 5th of December, 2009 shall officially go down in history as the day that Brent Moreau signed his first real estate papers (aren’t you proud Mom and Dad?). Prior to our meeting with the real estate agent, we headed over to the Melbourne Museum which is apparently the largest museum in the southern hemisphere. I have noticed that things in Australia love to claim they are “the largest in the southern hemisphere”. It was very similar to the Royal Ontario Museum, although it was cheaper to get in ($8) and was much more advanced technologically with regards to interactive exhibits, etc. At 2pm we headed over to OzAsia (no joke) Realty to sign the papers for our big 3 month lease. Everything went okay and we were now the proud renters of 180 square feet on the 14th floor of an old building at the corners of Flinders and Spencer Streets. Our “fully-furnished” apartment consisted of a small bathroom, a futon that doubles as a double bed, a 13” TV with 4 channels, a table that doubles as the TV stand, 2 folding chairs, a small wardrobe, and the world’s smallest kitchenette that includes a microwave, mini-fridge, sink, and minimal cutlery. That’s it folks! Oh, and I did I mention that it is 180 square feet including the bathroom? Haha! That afternoon, Leeanna and I did our first ever domestic shopping for such exciting things as cleaning products, pillows, sheets, and tea towels! We were able to equip or shoebox for under $100 and celebrated by eating Subway yet again for dinner. That night to break in our new place we watched the epic film “Titanic” that was airing on one of our 4 channels. And no, this is not a joke!
Sunday marked another first: the first time I ever grocery shopped with the intent of my long-term consumption in my mind. Now I know why my Mom bitches about how much food we eat. One of the things I have yet to figure out is why produce costs so much in Australia when everything is grown here. Our afternoon consisted of a nice walk along the river which is a minute from our apartment and a stroll through the Crown Casino to check out the facilities (you can guess where this is going). After some delicious gelato (Italian ice cream for those of you who are less cultured) we returned to catch the last bit of the Australian Open golf event on TV. That night I was unfortunately itching to go gambling, as I now literally lived not even 5 minutes from the Crown Casino poker room. Unfortunately things did not go as planned (never do lately) and I lost $500 in the course of about 3.5 hours playing 2/3 No Limit Hold’em and 10/20 Limit Omaha. I have concluded that I just really suck at poker now. I have gone from a few years ago being a fairly successful (and profitable) low/mid-limit player to a bad, losing player with no confidence in my game. I’m like a horse that’s too old to race; I need to be taken out to pasture and shot. That might be a bit harsh but you get the idea.
Today (Monday, the 7th of December), shall be my last official daily entry for a while, as we are now settled down in our apartment and shall attempt to live a somewhat normal life for a while. Bank accounts and tax file (same as SIN numbers in Canada) were the order of business today! I will post weekly updates of what’s happening Down Under with Leeanna and I, as well as my thoughts and opinions on the culture or lack thereof. Again, thank you to everyone who reads and stay classy!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009- Off To The Dunes To Break My Coccyx!
The next morning I awoke after a good night’s sleep (same can’t be said for Leeanna) and headed over to take a dump in the toilets. Sure enough, up in the rafters there were two possums watching me drop the Cosby kids off at the pool. I was fine with this until one of them started coming down the wall into the bathroom and almost fell. Want to talk about shitting yourself! That afternoon, the bird whisperer and I had an appointment to go sandboarding. The area we were staying in is home to the largest coastal sand dunes in the southern hemisphere. Sandboarding is basically tobogganing down a huge sand hill at a very high rate of speed. It was awesome good fun and reminded me of all the good times I had in my youth with my GT Snowracer. Our driver also took us offroading in the dunes and to the beaches to search for pippies aka giant clams. And for all you Napoleon Dynamite fans, unfortunately there were no broken coccyx’s occurred at the dunes. Geez! That afternoon in my ass backwards kind of way of doing things we drove back north through Port Macquaire and all the way up to Coff’s Harbour (7 hours north of Sydney). We arrived late at night so we just went out to grab a late night dinner at a small Italian restaurant. After this we went to one of the local pubs to grab a few brews around 9pm. Leeanna started talking to this guy who was the lead in the local theatre production of Oliver and then one thing led to another and we were hanging out with the whole cast and crew. Well when it came time to shut the bar down around midnight, we were given permission to stay and drink all night/morning after hours. We ended up partying with the drama freaks (awesome group of Aussie’s actually!) until about 4:30am and then stumbled back to the hostel. It was around this time that I could not remember (was too shit-canned ) the combination to get into the hostel (Aussitel Backpackers [7/10]) and tried breaking in through the pool entrance. When all else failed, we waited for someone eating an early morning snack to let us in. Biggest shit show of life!
Saturday was a complete write-off as we were both about as hung over as Kirstie Alley after an all-night post-Jenny Craig binge. We didn’t get out of bed until the mid-afternoon, and the most productive thing I did before the dinner hour was take a 15 minute swim in the pool. For supper/breakfast we grabbed some Subway (they are making a killing off of Leeanna and I on this vacation) and then headed over to Park Beach to watch the sunset, which judging by all the cars is a very popular pastime in the area. Yes, and for those of you wondering I’m going to start writing romance novels very, very soon.
So we arrive at Sunday the 29th of November, almost two weeks since I left home and I haven’t been killed by any oversized insects or my girlfriend for that matter. This morning we packed up our belongings into our rented Corolla, programmed Susan and headed about 45 minutes inland to the small town of Bellingen and another hostel (Bellingen YHA 8/10). We came to this town because of its proximity to Dorrigo National Park, which is home to some of the most accessible rainforest trails in the world. Leeanna agreed to hike some of the trails with me today, although she said this was the last of our nature walks. I agreed because I’m a big pussy, but I still had the last laugh as I made her struggle up some quality hills. As far as free attractions go it was definitely an amazing thing to see, although I would have really liked to see a python. All I saw was stupid wild turkeys and lizards that look like small snakes (see: skinks). Leeanna the domestic goddess that she is made me my first home cooked meal in a while, Old El Paso tacos. God bless cheese and ground beef! And then I visited the bathroom.
Monday, was to put it bluntly a pretty much nothing day. It was our last day with our rented car, and instead of going somewhere new for the night we decided that we would just be lazy and chill in the happenin’ town of Bellingen for. I did nothing all day, except for browse the internet and watch this giant lizard roam around the property that apparently lives in the tree close by. The highlight of my day was for sure going shopping and buying lasagna at IGA for dinner. The night consisted of sitting around, drinking, and playing stupid games involving sports teams and the alphabet with a couple of English guys that I could barely understand. Exciting, I know.
So now, the 1st of December has arrived, and well there’s no snow and it’s warm out. Sorry to rub it in folks! Our car was due back in Sydney at 1pm, so we awoke bright and early around 6am so that we could hit the road by 7 and hopefully make it back on time. Naturally, I was brutally tired the whole drive, as vacationing is a very tough job! I ended up having to pull over a total of 3 times, once for a solid nap and because of this we ended up not getting back into the city until after 2pm. This inevitably led to late fee on the car and proof once again that I fatigue more easily than anyone this side of Eddie Murphy in a fat suit. The previous day we had looked at the comparative cost of flying to Melbourne and taking an overnight bus. In the end, we decided to take an overnight bus as it was a bit cheaper and would give us the chance to bond (oh and not pay for a hostel for one night). While we waited for our bus to depart we just hung around in Sydney, and did what we do best, eat crappy food and surf the internet. Our bus departed at 7pm and was scheduled to arrive in Melbourne the next morning at 7am. Judging by the people waiting for the bus, I must still assume that only crazies, drunks, and poor folks (students, backpackers, welfare cases, etc) use this form of transit outside of major urban centres.
Saturday was a complete write-off as we were both about as hung over as Kirstie Alley after an all-night post-Jenny Craig binge. We didn’t get out of bed until the mid-afternoon, and the most productive thing I did before the dinner hour was take a 15 minute swim in the pool. For supper/breakfast we grabbed some Subway (they are making a killing off of Leeanna and I on this vacation) and then headed over to Park Beach to watch the sunset, which judging by all the cars is a very popular pastime in the area. Yes, and for those of you wondering I’m going to start writing romance novels very, very soon.
So we arrive at Sunday the 29th of November, almost two weeks since I left home and I haven’t been killed by any oversized insects or my girlfriend for that matter. This morning we packed up our belongings into our rented Corolla, programmed Susan and headed about 45 minutes inland to the small town of Bellingen and another hostel (Bellingen YHA 8/10). We came to this town because of its proximity to Dorrigo National Park, which is home to some of the most accessible rainforest trails in the world. Leeanna agreed to hike some of the trails with me today, although she said this was the last of our nature walks. I agreed because I’m a big pussy, but I still had the last laugh as I made her struggle up some quality hills. As far as free attractions go it was definitely an amazing thing to see, although I would have really liked to see a python. All I saw was stupid wild turkeys and lizards that look like small snakes (see: skinks). Leeanna the domestic goddess that she is made me my first home cooked meal in a while, Old El Paso tacos. God bless cheese and ground beef! And then I visited the bathroom.
Monday, was to put it bluntly a pretty much nothing day. It was our last day with our rented car, and instead of going somewhere new for the night we decided that we would just be lazy and chill in the happenin’ town of Bellingen for. I did nothing all day, except for browse the internet and watch this giant lizard roam around the property that apparently lives in the tree close by. The highlight of my day was for sure going shopping and buying lasagna at IGA for dinner. The night consisted of sitting around, drinking, and playing stupid games involving sports teams and the alphabet with a couple of English guys that I could barely understand. Exciting, I know.
So now, the 1st of December has arrived, and well there’s no snow and it’s warm out. Sorry to rub it in folks! Our car was due back in Sydney at 1pm, so we awoke bright and early around 6am so that we could hit the road by 7 and hopefully make it back on time. Naturally, I was brutally tired the whole drive, as vacationing is a very tough job! I ended up having to pull over a total of 3 times, once for a solid nap and because of this we ended up not getting back into the city until after 2pm. This inevitably led to late fee on the car and proof once again that I fatigue more easily than anyone this side of Eddie Murphy in a fat suit. The previous day we had looked at the comparative cost of flying to Melbourne and taking an overnight bus. In the end, we decided to take an overnight bus as it was a bit cheaper and would give us the chance to bond (oh and not pay for a hostel for one night). While we waited for our bus to depart we just hung around in Sydney, and did what we do best, eat crappy food and surf the internet. Our bus departed at 7pm and was scheduled to arrive in Melbourne the next morning at 7am. Judging by the people waiting for the bus, I must still assume that only crazies, drunks, and poor folks (students, backpackers, welfare cases, etc) use this form of transit outside of major urban centres.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009- I'll Do One Koala Burger!...Or Not!
The next day I woke up on the floor in my room, with puke on my sleeve and the worst hangover on my mind. I am pretty sure I was still drunk as I made my way to the shower and eventually lugged my ass to the train station. The wifey and I caught a train to Katoomba in the Blue Mountains which is a couple of hours outside of Sydney. We checked into our hostel (The Flying Fox [5.5/10]) which was full of hippies and gypsies. After some rest, we took to the town to partake in some very Australian activities such as eating Domino’s Pizza and shopping at K-Mart. I know, we are very exotic! That night while I was taking a quick stroll through town on my own around 11pm or so, I came back to the hostel to find a bunch of people out front. After asking Leeanna what was up, it was revealed that some big fat greasy pervert/thief was going up to the windows and peeping in or maybe trying to steal stuff. Good times all around.
Monday we arose bright and early as we were rip-roaring ready to go and take in all the sights of the Blue Mountains. We headed down to the shop to buy our tickets for the hop-on-hop-off trolley, only to find out that it would be raining all day and the entire region was covered in the thickest fog this side of I Know What You Did Last Summer. Regardless, we boarded the bus with all the camera-happy Asians who insisted on pissing the driver off with their questions and demands about where and what to see. It was like watching a really bad game of broken telephone. Leeanna and I ended up hiking a few trails in the rain and trying to see The Three Sisters, although it was mostly a waste of time, as none of the pictures turned out and we couldn’t see shit. After the disappointment of The Three Sisters, we headed over to Scenic World, where we took a ride on the world’s steepest train down into the rainforest. After strolling through the rainforest at the bottom and getting even wetter, we took a ride back up on a cable car that cut through all these mountains. Only problem was it was so foggy it seemed as though the cable car was taking me on a one way trip to heaven through the clouds, which I knew was in fact not true as I am clearly going to hell along with Dustin Diamond and Milli from Milli and Vanilli. Although we didn’t get to see much, I know from the overpriced postcards I saw that this area is definitely worth checking out if the weather is right.
So after we awoke from the second sleepless night in our hostel (room was too quiet/no fan, outside was noisy/train goes by the hostel and rattles the fuckin’ thing numerous times a night) we took the train back into Sydney where we had arranged to rent a car. This may seem like no biggy, except for the fact that in Australia they drive on the other side of the road and outside of the major downtowns most traffic lights are replaced by roundabouts. To combat this, the rental company charges foreign drivers an extra $5 a day (guess we suck at this opposite driving thing). With no idea what we were doing, we loaded our gear into our rented ’09 Corolla and told the GPS to take us 400km north to the coastal town of Port Macquaire. I don’t know about you, but if I’m learning to drive in a new country, nothing does it better than a 5 hour drive in the rain when you’re tired. At first, I was really scared and hit a couple of curbs, but now other than the occasional guy giving me the “fuck-off” sign in a roundabout I seem to have mastered the art of driving on the other side. I must say though that without my friend Susan (yes my GPS has a name) I would be totally up shit creek. After arriving and checking in at our hostel (Ozzie Pozzie Backpackers [8.5/10]), we did a whole lot of nothing. That night, the owners had a BBQ with all-you-can-eat sausage which I took full advantage of. It took Leeanna a little longer to warm up to the sausages, as the resident senior prankster/lounger Phil told her that some of them were koala sausages that he obtained from the local koala hospital after the koalas died. Mmmm…tastes like chicken.
Up until Wednesday, we had really seen very little in the way of wildlife outside of a few dozen very large cockroaches and a few thousand flying-fox bats. That was all about to change very soon. First things first though, in the morning we went to the mall and purchased a mobile phone, which we figured would probably be a good thing to own considering we would be doing a lot of driving over the next week with Susan and the gang. Next stop was a nature walk through this massive park in the middle of town. At first all we saw were more flying-foxes, which quite frankly just aren’t what I think of when I think of Australian wildlife. But as we made our way through some eucalyptus trees we were fortunate enough to spot two koalas lounging in the same tree. Now I know I sound flaming gay when I say this but they have to be the cutest animals ever. Right up there with porcupines in my book. We managed to keep our animal sightings rolling and saw some turtles, exotic birds, and a big lizard on our walk through the forest. Next on our action-packed agenda was to head over to the koala hospital, but not before a visit to the driving range. It was a really bizarre driving range, as you drove the balls into water, but it was a really small pond so the only club you could use/they had was a pitching wedge. The pond had a bunch of targets on it that if you hit you could win prizes like a free dinner cruise, free bowling, $50 cash, etc. Long and short, Leeanna and I hit a combined zero targets. Following our Tiger Woods like performance, we headed over to the not-for-profit koala hospital. There, they had tons of koalas from all over the area that are rescued from things like dog attacks, forest fires, car accidents, etc. I really wanted to steal one, but thought better of it once I saw how sharp their claws were. After a lengthy romantic walk along the beach that night (I’m a regular Casanova what can I say), we headed to the local cinema to take in the flick New Moon. Not nearly as good as the first movie, but then again the fact that I was watching it in a theatre that looked like it may have been the first one ever built in Australia back in the 1700’s may have contributed to my overall review.
Thursday, we back-tracked down the eastern seaboard to an area known as Port Stephens and more specifically Nelson’s Bay. We stayed in one of the more unique hostels (Melaleuca Backpackers [8/10]) I have ever had the privilege of staying in. It was very outdoorsy and reminded me of a cross between a nature retreat and the Swiss Family Robinson set. The place had a domesticated kangaroo, domesticated wild birds (oxymoron, yes I know), dogs, possums, koalas, and I’m sure tons of other critters I don’t even want to think about! That afternoon we headed over to Nelson’s Bay and took a ferry to see the dolphins. The dolphins swam with our boat for a while, amazing me and all the little kids around me watching. I tried snapping about 15 pictures, but none of them turned out. Guess that’s what happens when you use an $80 camera to try and capture high speed porpoises. After our dolphin adventure we went out for dinner at Hog’s Breath Café before returning to the “country” hostel. Leeanna had a lot of trouble sleeping that night as she is paranoid about all of the different things that go bump in the night. Needless to say she came running into the room in the middle of the night and woke me up and told me that the birds had chased her into the bathroom and then things got worse in the toilet as there were two possums waiting for her in there. I’m pretty sure I just rolled over and went right back to sleep.
Monday we arose bright and early as we were rip-roaring ready to go and take in all the sights of the Blue Mountains. We headed down to the shop to buy our tickets for the hop-on-hop-off trolley, only to find out that it would be raining all day and the entire region was covered in the thickest fog this side of I Know What You Did Last Summer. Regardless, we boarded the bus with all the camera-happy Asians who insisted on pissing the driver off with their questions and demands about where and what to see. It was like watching a really bad game of broken telephone. Leeanna and I ended up hiking a few trails in the rain and trying to see The Three Sisters, although it was mostly a waste of time, as none of the pictures turned out and we couldn’t see shit. After the disappointment of The Three Sisters, we headed over to Scenic World, where we took a ride on the world’s steepest train down into the rainforest. After strolling through the rainforest at the bottom and getting even wetter, we took a ride back up on a cable car that cut through all these mountains. Only problem was it was so foggy it seemed as though the cable car was taking me on a one way trip to heaven through the clouds, which I knew was in fact not true as I am clearly going to hell along with Dustin Diamond and Milli from Milli and Vanilli. Although we didn’t get to see much, I know from the overpriced postcards I saw that this area is definitely worth checking out if the weather is right.
So after we awoke from the second sleepless night in our hostel (room was too quiet/no fan, outside was noisy/train goes by the hostel and rattles the fuckin’ thing numerous times a night) we took the train back into Sydney where we had arranged to rent a car. This may seem like no biggy, except for the fact that in Australia they drive on the other side of the road and outside of the major downtowns most traffic lights are replaced by roundabouts. To combat this, the rental company charges foreign drivers an extra $5 a day (guess we suck at this opposite driving thing). With no idea what we were doing, we loaded our gear into our rented ’09 Corolla and told the GPS to take us 400km north to the coastal town of Port Macquaire. I don’t know about you, but if I’m learning to drive in a new country, nothing does it better than a 5 hour drive in the rain when you’re tired. At first, I was really scared and hit a couple of curbs, but now other than the occasional guy giving me the “fuck-off” sign in a roundabout I seem to have mastered the art of driving on the other side. I must say though that without my friend Susan (yes my GPS has a name) I would be totally up shit creek. After arriving and checking in at our hostel (Ozzie Pozzie Backpackers [8.5/10]), we did a whole lot of nothing. That night, the owners had a BBQ with all-you-can-eat sausage which I took full advantage of. It took Leeanna a little longer to warm up to the sausages, as the resident senior prankster/lounger Phil told her that some of them were koala sausages that he obtained from the local koala hospital after the koalas died. Mmmm…tastes like chicken.
Up until Wednesday, we had really seen very little in the way of wildlife outside of a few dozen very large cockroaches and a few thousand flying-fox bats. That was all about to change very soon. First things first though, in the morning we went to the mall and purchased a mobile phone, which we figured would probably be a good thing to own considering we would be doing a lot of driving over the next week with Susan and the gang. Next stop was a nature walk through this massive park in the middle of town. At first all we saw were more flying-foxes, which quite frankly just aren’t what I think of when I think of Australian wildlife. But as we made our way through some eucalyptus trees we were fortunate enough to spot two koalas lounging in the same tree. Now I know I sound flaming gay when I say this but they have to be the cutest animals ever. Right up there with porcupines in my book. We managed to keep our animal sightings rolling and saw some turtles, exotic birds, and a big lizard on our walk through the forest. Next on our action-packed agenda was to head over to the koala hospital, but not before a visit to the driving range. It was a really bizarre driving range, as you drove the balls into water, but it was a really small pond so the only club you could use/they had was a pitching wedge. The pond had a bunch of targets on it that if you hit you could win prizes like a free dinner cruise, free bowling, $50 cash, etc. Long and short, Leeanna and I hit a combined zero targets. Following our Tiger Woods like performance, we headed over to the not-for-profit koala hospital. There, they had tons of koalas from all over the area that are rescued from things like dog attacks, forest fires, car accidents, etc. I really wanted to steal one, but thought better of it once I saw how sharp their claws were. After a lengthy romantic walk along the beach that night (I’m a regular Casanova what can I say), we headed to the local cinema to take in the flick New Moon. Not nearly as good as the first movie, but then again the fact that I was watching it in a theatre that looked like it may have been the first one ever built in Australia back in the 1700’s may have contributed to my overall review.
Thursday, we back-tracked down the eastern seaboard to an area known as Port Stephens and more specifically Nelson’s Bay. We stayed in one of the more unique hostels (Melaleuca Backpackers [8/10]) I have ever had the privilege of staying in. It was very outdoorsy and reminded me of a cross between a nature retreat and the Swiss Family Robinson set. The place had a domesticated kangaroo, domesticated wild birds (oxymoron, yes I know), dogs, possums, koalas, and I’m sure tons of other critters I don’t even want to think about! That afternoon we headed over to Nelson’s Bay and took a ferry to see the dolphins. The dolphins swam with our boat for a while, amazing me and all the little kids around me watching. I tried snapping about 15 pictures, but none of them turned out. Guess that’s what happens when you use an $80 camera to try and capture high speed porpoises. After our dolphin adventure we went out for dinner at Hog’s Breath Café before returning to the “country” hostel. Leeanna had a lot of trouble sleeping that night as she is paranoid about all of the different things that go bump in the night. Needless to say she came running into the room in the middle of the night and woke me up and told me that the birds had chased her into the bathroom and then things got worse in the toilet as there were two possums waiting for her in there. I’m pretty sure I just rolled over and went right back to sleep.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009- The Goon Got The Better Of Me
So I arrived in Sydney, Australia, last Wednesday after almost 36 hours of travel. I left Toronto at about noon on Monday afternoon and caught a WestJet flight to Vancouver. On my flight there were several members of the B.C. Lions football team who had just defeated Hamilton in a playoff game the day before. I’m not sure if this really counts as a celebrity sighting, seeing as how I could not name any one of them and most guys on the team work another job in the offseason. Ironically, that morning my sister who works at the airport had checked in the majority of the team and complained that they were acting like asses on the plane and not sitting in their assigned seats. So even if they aren’t legit celebs, at least they know how to act like it! That night, I had about a 10 hour layover in Vancouver before my flight to Sydney. Unfortunately for me, the airport had free wireless internet and I lost over $500 playing online poker while waiting for the mothership to carry me off to space, err Australia.
My 15 hour flight to Sydney was pretty uneventful, consisting of lots of TV watching, very frequent urination (why, I don’t know) and a bit of sleeping. Upon landing on what was now Wednesday morning, I took the airport shuttle to my hostel (The Original Backpackers [7/10]) and grabbed a quick nap, although this proved difficult to do as my body was not used to the 16 hour time difference and the fact that it was +35°C. And to think that it’s only spring here! After my quick little siesta, I headed out into the city for a quick stroll around and then decided that I needed to go the casino. On my way to the casino I walked past a guy who I could’ve sworn was a former pro wrestler from the tag-team the Nasty Boys. After arrival at the very nice Star City Casino, I made my way to the poker room and deposited a couple of hundred dollars into the local economy. Note to any poker players going to Sydney: the rake is atrocious and for the most part the players, myself included are not very good. Upon my return to the hostel, I logged on to my computer and the main article on Yahoo! Australia was how Hulk Hogan and Rick Flair had gotten into a scrap at the Casino that day while promoting an upcoming event. In the picture, Hogan was being led away from the stage by the guy from the Nasty Boys I had seen earlier in the day. Super celebrity spotter Brent in full effect! That night I drank my sorrows away with a couple of dudes from Ireland and Germany and vowed to not visit a casino for a very long time, or until I get to Melbourne, whatever comes first!
Thursday morning, I had to get up bright and early to catch a ride to the airport to meet my girlfriend, Leeanna, who was coming in from Auckland, by way of Los Angeles, by way of Calgary, by way of Toronto! Somehow in the chaos that is that airport I managed to find her and corralled her back to the hostel. After we got settled in our room, we took a stroll around much of central Sydney and spent part of the afternoon around Darling Harbour trying to determine if there were more Asian or British people in this country. Either way, Australia is very much like Canada in regards to the fact that it has a massive immigrant population. Ironically, that afternoon after I had told Leeanna about my D-list celebrity sighting the day before, we walked right by the guy from the Nasty Boys along with Jimmy Hart and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Talk about scoring the ultimate early 90’s wrestling jackpot! That night we took it pretty easy and just chilled in the hostel courtyard with some cold beverages and chatted up these two broads from Germany who I’m almost 100% certain were the biggest lesbians this side of the Indian Ocean. And no fellas, they were not the adult film kind of lesbians, more like the schnitzel-eating kind with hairy armpits (No, I did not inspect).
Friday consisted of our visit to the world-famous Sydney Opera House. We walked there through the Royal Botanical Gardens, which is a fantastic green space right in the heart of the city. The craziest thing about the gardens was the fact that there approximately 25,000 bats living there, which could be seen everywhere in the trees. And these weren’t your standard run of the mill bats, but rather Flying Foxes which more closely resembled baby elephants in size! Needless to say the bats are killing all the trees in the park, and the government is working on a massive relocation project for the bats. The Opera House and Sydney Harbour were as expected, although one unique thing was that they had the stage set-up for Australian Idol outside the Opera House. We watched the recitals for a while, as they were preparing for the grand finale this weekend, although sadly Ben Mulroney was nowhere to be seen. Leeanna and I also checked out The Rocks, which was the first part of Sydney to be settled by the Europeans in the late 1700’s. That night, our hostel had a BBQ which was delicious and we ended up hanging out with the German Muff-Diving Team again over post-dinner drinks. That night we found a cockroach in our room that Leeanna killed on the wall and a couple more came scurrying out of the common bathroom. I was able to get one of them, but his mate scurried into someone’s room. Welcome to Australia!
Saturday was when the Brent of old came creeping back in. That day was our first official day of really not doing much of anything, which is sometimes a good thing. We took a leisurely stroll around the city during the day and just chilled with the wide assortment of Irish, German, Israeli, Canadian, Scottish, American, and everyone else under the sun that night. Early in the evening, I decided that Leeanna and I needed to get rid of all our booze as we would be leaving Sydney the next morning. We had almost a full box of goon (Australian slang for a 4L box of wine) and 12 beers. Add into the mix a few x-factors (some whiskey, it was a Saturday night/party night, McDonalds) and you arrive at the end of the night which consisted of me and another guy ditching Leeanna in a McDonalds for no good reason (I was blacked out at this point). Apparently my very pissed off girlfriend found me trying to get into the hostel a short time later, but I was too wasted to know how to use this new technology they call a “key”. In conclusion, I went to the room and puked up my McChicken combo and Leeanna got all drunk-emotional and called her Mom on the other side of the world and told her I had food poisoning and was throwing up everywhere…So that’s what they call it now, eh?
My 15 hour flight to Sydney was pretty uneventful, consisting of lots of TV watching, very frequent urination (why, I don’t know) and a bit of sleeping. Upon landing on what was now Wednesday morning, I took the airport shuttle to my hostel (The Original Backpackers [7/10]) and grabbed a quick nap, although this proved difficult to do as my body was not used to the 16 hour time difference and the fact that it was +35°C. And to think that it’s only spring here! After my quick little siesta, I headed out into the city for a quick stroll around and then decided that I needed to go the casino. On my way to the casino I walked past a guy who I could’ve sworn was a former pro wrestler from the tag-team the Nasty Boys. After arrival at the very nice Star City Casino, I made my way to the poker room and deposited a couple of hundred dollars into the local economy. Note to any poker players going to Sydney: the rake is atrocious and for the most part the players, myself included are not very good. Upon my return to the hostel, I logged on to my computer and the main article on Yahoo! Australia was how Hulk Hogan and Rick Flair had gotten into a scrap at the Casino that day while promoting an upcoming event. In the picture, Hogan was being led away from the stage by the guy from the Nasty Boys I had seen earlier in the day. Super celebrity spotter Brent in full effect! That night I drank my sorrows away with a couple of dudes from Ireland and Germany and vowed to not visit a casino for a very long time, or until I get to Melbourne, whatever comes first!
Thursday morning, I had to get up bright and early to catch a ride to the airport to meet my girlfriend, Leeanna, who was coming in from Auckland, by way of Los Angeles, by way of Calgary, by way of Toronto! Somehow in the chaos that is that airport I managed to find her and corralled her back to the hostel. After we got settled in our room, we took a stroll around much of central Sydney and spent part of the afternoon around Darling Harbour trying to determine if there were more Asian or British people in this country. Either way, Australia is very much like Canada in regards to the fact that it has a massive immigrant population. Ironically, that afternoon after I had told Leeanna about my D-list celebrity sighting the day before, we walked right by the guy from the Nasty Boys along with Jimmy Hart and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Talk about scoring the ultimate early 90’s wrestling jackpot! That night we took it pretty easy and just chilled in the hostel courtyard with some cold beverages and chatted up these two broads from Germany who I’m almost 100% certain were the biggest lesbians this side of the Indian Ocean. And no fellas, they were not the adult film kind of lesbians, more like the schnitzel-eating kind with hairy armpits (No, I did not inspect).
Friday consisted of our visit to the world-famous Sydney Opera House. We walked there through the Royal Botanical Gardens, which is a fantastic green space right in the heart of the city. The craziest thing about the gardens was the fact that there approximately 25,000 bats living there, which could be seen everywhere in the trees. And these weren’t your standard run of the mill bats, but rather Flying Foxes which more closely resembled baby elephants in size! Needless to say the bats are killing all the trees in the park, and the government is working on a massive relocation project for the bats. The Opera House and Sydney Harbour were as expected, although one unique thing was that they had the stage set-up for Australian Idol outside the Opera House. We watched the recitals for a while, as they were preparing for the grand finale this weekend, although sadly Ben Mulroney was nowhere to be seen. Leeanna and I also checked out The Rocks, which was the first part of Sydney to be settled by the Europeans in the late 1700’s. That night, our hostel had a BBQ which was delicious and we ended up hanging out with the German Muff-Diving Team again over post-dinner drinks. That night we found a cockroach in our room that Leeanna killed on the wall and a couple more came scurrying out of the common bathroom. I was able to get one of them, but his mate scurried into someone’s room. Welcome to Australia!
Saturday was when the Brent of old came creeping back in. That day was our first official day of really not doing much of anything, which is sometimes a good thing. We took a leisurely stroll around the city during the day and just chilled with the wide assortment of Irish, German, Israeli, Canadian, Scottish, American, and everyone else under the sun that night. Early in the evening, I decided that Leeanna and I needed to get rid of all our booze as we would be leaving Sydney the next morning. We had almost a full box of goon (Australian slang for a 4L box of wine) and 12 beers. Add into the mix a few x-factors (some whiskey, it was a Saturday night/party night, McDonalds) and you arrive at the end of the night which consisted of me and another guy ditching Leeanna in a McDonalds for no good reason (I was blacked out at this point). Apparently my very pissed off girlfriend found me trying to get into the hostel a short time later, but I was too wasted to know how to use this new technology they call a “key”. In conclusion, I went to the room and puked up my McChicken combo and Leeanna got all drunk-emotional and called her Mom on the other side of the world and told her I had food poisoning and was throwing up everywhere…So that’s what they call it now, eh?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
