Monday, March 30, 2009

Don't Get Hypnotized, Or You'll Look Like An Ass - Las Vegas - March, 2009...Part 1/2

(Pictured: Me and the other two dudes, living large with our gold medals and clown noses.)


So, it’s been a while since my last travels, as I’ve been in trade school, and it will probably be a while until I get to travel again, as I am so broke it’s ridonculous! On that note, I decided to take another pilgrimage to my Mecca, Las Vegas! This time though (unlike the last couple times I went)it was more about good times and less about gambling my life away, as I would be joined my girlfriend Lou, my friend Mr. Clean, and my constantly drunk/why aren’t you guys getting drunk brother, Drunko.

Originally, Lou and I were scheduled to travel on stand-by out of Toronto on March 22, but due to the fact that all of the flights were full, we took the plunge and paid full price to fly out of Buffalo. On that note, I arose Sunday morning with a dastardly hangover (my birthday/a country bar/lots of shots/Garth Brooks/Russian cab driver) but was a man on a mission to get on that plane. We made it down to America’s armpit, errr Buffalo a bit early, so we grabbed some grub at the Anchor Bar (albeit not the original one, the one in the airport). For those of you who are not grease-connoisseurs like myself, they are the inventors of the buffalo chicken wings which kind of makes them a big deal. Due to sandstorms in the deserts surrounding Las Vegas, our flight was delayed for a couple hours. I found this to be the perfect opportunity to catch up on all my celebrity gossip thanks to the fine people at Star magazine. That Jennifer Aniston, what a bitch! Fast forward a few hours, and we arrived in Las Vegas about 9pm and cabbed it over to the classiest hotel of classy hotels, The Hooters Hotel and Casino. Believe me, for under $40 a night it was well worth it! Later that night we tried to get into the restaurant in our hotel, Dan Marino’s (yes, that Dan Marino), for some 25 cent chicken wings between the hours of 12am and 6am but the line-up was too long. So we did the next best thing and went to the 24 hour Wendy’s, bought some booze from the souvenir shop, and called it a night!

Monday morning, we had to move rooms as we had booked Sunday night on a different reservation than the rest of our nights. I`m sure that this probably did not make the wife happy, as she now had to go from having her own queen bed to sharing a bed with hairy legs (could be worse, could be excessive Sasquatch back hair). After that, we headed over to the legendary/very old/ghetto Tropicana for their Island Buffet. We spent most of the afternoon wandering the strip, and stopped in at the Planet Hollywood Casino (used to be Aladdin, got renamed/bought out, just like Hooters did with the San Remo) for some blackjack lessons for Miss LouLou from yours truly. After we made it back to Hooters, I played a little bit of 1-2 No-Limit Poker, which is the only poker game they spread there other than their daily tournaments. To call it a poker room would be a vast over statement. They have two tables tucked away in the corner. I lost a bit of coin but nothing to write home about. That night we had bought tickets to go and check out the show Dirty Hypnosis: Unleashed at Krave/Planet Hollywood. It was what it sounds like, a dirty hypnosis show. Lou was one of the unfortunate people who volunteered to get hypnotized for over an hour, and believe me it worked. Without getting too graphic, let’s just say some of the HILARIOUS stuff the guy had her do included smoking invisible weed, thinking her breasts were growing about 6 feet off her body, making her think she had a male appendage, and my personal favourite, where he gave everyone on stage a balloon and told them it was a sex toy and to describe it (let’s just say the words “fourteen” and “inches” came into her description. I’ll leave it at that. Awesome show though and highly recommend it. Fuck the Blue Man Group and Elton John. After the madame kind of snapped back into it, we went back to our hotel and met up with Mr. Clean who had just gotten in on his flight from Toronto that night. We did a little in room drinking, went and played some blackjack, and then decided to try Dan Marino’s again for the wings. We did get in for the wings, but let’s just say I’m pretty sure they were the reject wings that Hooters scraps during the day. Terrible.

That morning a mere 4 hours after I went to bed, I hear a loud knocking on my door at 7am, and low and behold it’s Captain Clean, all rip-roaring ready to go for the day. I told him to fuck off and not to bother me until after lunch. I ended up getting up a couple hours later, and went over to the Bellagio on my own to hopefully play some 15/30 Limit Poker. Unfortunately, my bank card was acting like a dick-head, and would not work, so I was forced again to play some 1-2 No-Limit. I took a small win, but again, nothing crazy. I promptly made it back to Hooters a bit after lunch time, and low and behold my brother Drunko had showed up from Toronto, just waiting for me to give him my extra ID (he’s 19, I’m 25. I can grow facial hair, he can’t). All four of us decided to head over to New York New York, and ride the roller coaster. We bought a family pass for $56. Yes, that’s right, for four of us to ride a roller coaster once it cost about $70 Canadian! When in Vegas. We followed that up with a solid session in the children’s arcade where we won cheesy gold medals and clown noses for all (Thanks Clean)! At 6:30pm we had tickets to see the live show “The Mentalist”. It was pretty cool, and was basically a mind reading-magic-illusion show. I can’t figure out how they do that shit for the life of me, but then again I guess that’s supposed to be the point. For more info, just google “Mentalist” or “Gerry McCambridge”. The guy had his own CBS special and stuff like that. Next up on my agenda for the young night was to play in the Hooters nightly poker tournament. Long story short, there ended up only being 9 players and it was winner take all. I made it to the final two with the chip lead (about 60% to 40%) and we decided to split the money as I was absolutely shittered (see: drunk on free beers) at this point. I took $300 the other dude took $200 and I promptly went over to the Hooters restaurant to meet up with Mr. Clean and Lou and drank some more. I’m sloppy, I know.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

LET'S GET THE BALL ROLLING...

Since the beginning of time, there has been idiots on this great planet we call Earth. I’m sure that there were idiot dinosaurs, idiot cavemen, and well we all know about more modern day idiots such as Kevin Bacon, Zach from Saved By The Bell, and that dickless bastard Teddy Ruxpin. Well, folks you can add one more to the growing list: Brent Moreau. It is true that I have often been called a lot worse names, and on the flipside my mother has said nicer things about me, but the one word that I believe best sums me up is, well, IDIOT!

So, enter the birth of my new blog BigIdiotStick. While it may not exactly roll off the tongue, it was the best my meagre brain could drum up (oh and the fact that every blogpost.com address is already taken didn’t exactly help either).

Primarily, this blog will focus on two things:
1) Adventures and Misadventures that my friends and I have had over the years. There have been many, too many to list here. To say that some of them are comical would be a vast understatement. Most of my writing over the next little while will focus on these tales, as I attempt to get many of them onto paper.
2) Travel tales. I have spent the last couple of weeks putting all of my old travel notes into this blog for personal reasons. If you’re bored or curious, take a gander; if not, go cook a blue jay burger on your barbecue. I will update these as I travel, which for the immediate future will see a trip to Las Vegas, my move to Australia in November, and whatever happens in between.

Thanks for reading and as always, stay classy. ~BrEnTsKi~

NEXT BLOG: My “Taken Into Custody/F-ed Up By The Police” Trilogy.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Eurotrip '07 - June 28 - Amster......dammmmm I loved that place!...Part 10/10

(Originally published June 28, 2007)

(Pictured: Space cake. You know, the shit astronauts eat.)


Ok, first of all, this is the conclusion of my journalistic stylings....I have been back now in the Motherland for a week, but was too lazy to finish it, but now I am forcing myself to finish what I started. On that note, I am actaully shocked at how many people have been reading this. Thanks to everyone for the feedback, as it was much appreciated. Here we go.........


So Monday, June 18, I was like a little kid on Christmas morning. I woke Slim up bright and early and we made our way to Graceland, errrr Amsterdam! Upon our arrival, we went straight to our hostel, dropped our bags off and went directly across the street to the Blues Brothers Coffee Shop. Now for those of you who are uninclined, a coffee shop just sells snacks, non-alcoholic drinks, oh and pot and hash! After parousing the menu, we decided on some Bubblegum as well as some Cantaloupe flavoured bud. Needless to say, this is where the next few days started to get really really hazy. Later on in the day we made our way down to Barney's Coffee Shop, one of the more popular spots in the city, where we purchased some Space Cake (for those of you who wondering what this is, go watch Deuce Bigalo: European Gigalo) and then proceeded to go smoke copious amounts of dope back at the hostel and watch Comedy Central for like the next eighteen hours. It was sometime during this day and the next day that I overdosed on McDonald's Cheeseburgers. Let's just say eating cheeseburgers for every meal is ill-advised. Way worse then anything marijuana could ever do to you.


Tuesday, it was more of the same! That morning we met up with our homeslice, "Seattle" Abe. We hadn't seen him since Budapest, so we were ready to hit the town.....right after a little wake and bake. In our foggy state, the three of us made our way to the Heineken Brewery. We did the tour, drank some beers, signed some autographs, etc. Following that, SlimJim suggested we go to this place called the Grey Area, which cleans up on a consistent basis at the Cannabis Cup. So we purchased some more top-grade cush and then proceeded to get retarded. Between five of us at this one table we were passing around a vaporizer, a pipe, a bong, and a fat ass joint. It got sloppy in a hurry. That night, Abe took us on a walking tour of the Red Light District, where we oogled at the hookers and giggled (I swear it had nothing to do with the drugs) at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.


The next day, I actually managed to sober up for a few hours! Shocking, isn't it? Anyways, that morning we went on a guided walking tour of Amsterdam and then we boogied on over to visit the Anne Frank House. I was a big fan of the Anne Frank House, having read her diaries a few years ago and absolutely loving them. Girl was one helluva writer! That night, we met up with some other old pals (Gene and Glen from Toronto), who we hadn't seen since Seville about seven weeks earlier. The four of us went out for some beers and tokes and then made our way back to the Red Light District. It was time for the Live Sex Show. We finally decided to go this one show which was charging about $30, and you got to see a three act show, but you could watch repeats as much as you wanted. Without getting too graphic, the three acts were as follows: Act 1) Basically just your run of the mill stripper routine. Act 2) Naked chick plays around with her glass toy. Act 3) This is where the live sex came in! After the three acts, a large screen came down for twenty minutes between shows, and they played some hardcore anal porn. Classy. I'm not gonna lie, it's kind of weird watching anal porn on a 200-inch projection screen when you've got a group of middle-aged women sitting in front of you. Meh! Long story short, we watched the whole show two-and-a-half times and most definately got our money's worth!


Thursday during the day was pretty uneventful. That day, I just walked around the city on my own, basically doing nothing, except making an appointment for my tattoo the next day. Later in the afternoon, I met up with SuperSlim who had been smoking and watching the Discovery Channel all day. Who says stoners aren't productive? Naturally, I felt the need to join in before taking my act to the Holland Casino (bad idea!). I arrived too late to register for the poker tournament I wanted to play in, so I decided to saddle up and play in their "big" cash game. I got cleaned for about $400 in around an hour and promptly decided to leave. Don't gamble under the influence, it rarely works out kids. On that note, I went back to the hostel and smoked away my pain!


Friday, I was not allowed to smoke anything, since I had a tattoo appointment, and was under strict orders not to consume any drugs or alcohol. That morning, Slim and I decided to do some souvenir shopping before I dropped him off at the hostel with some of our smoking buddies and I made my way over to the "House of Tattoos". After a long-ass delay, I finally got in the chair, had my artwork installed and made my way back to the hostel. Not surprisingly, I returned to find Slim looking a little tired and hungry. It was definately time to go to Brussells, Belgium, for I feared he was near death! Haha. That night we took a train to Brussells, and just chilled in our hostel bar. We successfully survived Amsterdam! Fuck you player haters!


The next morning, we met up with some Australian girl, whose friends were dead (or something to that effect) so she joined Slim and I on our journey to this cartoon museum. Fact: The Smurfs and Tintin are both Belgian creations. I almost teared up getting all nostalgic about my childhood in the museum. Slim and I then went to visit the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, which is a famous monument in the city. That evening, we met a couple of cool German dudes who were staying in our room. The four of us went out and proceeded to drink at a bar (I hear that's what people do at bars), but not before we accidentally stumbled through the intensely gay bar district. I was only the victim of six reach-arounds. Hey, it happens.


Sunday morning we were on the move again, this time to Brugge, Belgium. Our first day there, we did absolutely nothing. I think the highlight of our day was ordering some french fries with this "special" sauce which kind of excited us. Later on, we just sat around the hostel bar and played cards with some peeps we had just met from the west coast (Kory, Vanessa, and Jessica). During all of the card playing, happy hour ensued, I got trashed, I went to bed. The end.


The 25th of June was the beginning of our last week in Europe. We decided there was not much we wanted to see in Brugge, so we took a daytrip to Ypres, home to some of the most famed battles during World War I. Flanders' Fields lies just outside of the city, as do many famous battlefields. Sadly, we arrived too late in the day and were restrcited to the city limits. So on that note, we visited the 'In Flanders Fields Museum', the Menin Gate (dedicated to the over 100,000 British soldiers who lost their lives fighting in the area but were never found), and Ramparts Cemetary. If this trip has helped me with one thing, it is definately my WWI and WWII knowledge. The history is everywhere, and it is simply amazing. After that, it was more of the same, in the form of playing cards with the peeps and a well-timed Happy Hour.


Tuesday was basically a write-off, as our only plan was to make our way back to London that night. The highlight of the day was the delicious Pizza Hut buffet. Fuck I love the Hut. Repeat. Fuck I love the Hut. After eating twenty slice between us, the travel started......

A) Bus to train station (15 minutes)

B) train to Brussels (1 hour)

C) bus to airport (1 hour)

D) flight to London (1 hour)

E) bus from airport to the inner-city (1 hour)

F) subway to Jon's sister's pad (1 hour).

By the time it was all said and done, including waiting time in between, it was a solid nine hour journey. Riveting.


The next day was our last day before going home, so we figured we should make it count. We woke up bright and early and made our way to the other side of London (no small feat) and got our asses over to Wimbledon to take in the world's most prestigious tennis tournament. After waiting in line for a couple of hours for tickets, we finally got in and were treated to a bit of world class tennis before the rain finally started to come down (anyone who has been following the tournament this year knows that this is a daily occurence). We watched women's singles matches between D. Safina vs K. Bondarenko and M. Hingis vs A. Nakamura, and finally a doubles match featuring Canada's Daniel Nestor, although this last match got rained out during the first set. After the matches, we had a dinner date with my cousin Melissa and her husband Rich. She has been living in the U.K. for over five years now, during which time I have never seen her. It's been too long, but it was good to see her, and her husband was a super nice guy. After that, it was back to pack for the next day's flights back to Canada.


Well, by Thursday, it was all over but the crying. We said our goodbyes and made our way across London yet again for one final time. A few hours later, we were back in Toronto. But there was one slight problem. My luggage never showed up! After filling out some forms and what not, I was told my luggage would come in the next day, which shockingly it actually did! A chaotic finish to a crazy trip. $10,000 later, and I can honestly say it was worth every penny, as it is an experience I will not soon forget (provided I avoid Amsterdam in the foreseeable future!).


THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE WHO HAS GIVEN ME FEEDBACK ABOUT THE TRIP. I LOVE TO HEAR WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY. ON THAT NOTE, I WILL START TO KEEP JOURNALS OF FUTURE TRAVELS. LATER THIS YEAR LOOK FOR TRIP REPORTS FROM NEW YORK CITY (JULY), LAS VEGAS (AUGUST), AND CHINA (EITHER SEPTEMBER OR OCTOBER). THEY WILL BE MUCH, MUCH SHORTER JAUNTS, BUT I SHALL TRY AND KEEP THEM ENTERTAINING FOR ALL.


~BRENTSKI~

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Eurotrip ´07 - June 17 - Germany + Beer = Brent In Love...Part 9/10

(Originally published June 17, 2007)

(Pictured: Cinderella still lives here. At least that's what my magical glass of beer told me.)


So Tuesday afternoon we rolled into the happenin´ town of Munich, home of Oktoberfest and the world famous beer gardens. I looked in the mirror, gave myself the once over, and........promplty headed to Pizza Hut for some stuffed-crust pizza. Exotic cuisine indeed! That night Slim and I headed over to the Augustinerkeller Beer Garden. The entire garden is situated outside under these massive chestnut trees, but low and behold after a couple of hours it started to pour. We were forced to take refuge under some kind German folks´ private table and tent. Slim also saw this as the perfect time to steal one of the famous one litre beer mugs that you get your beer in. Not the easiest thing to smuggle out, but we managed just fine.




The next day, we decided to see what Munich had to offer via the guided walking tour. Much like Berlin, much of the city was bombed to the ground during World War II. Unlike Berlin, there isn´t much here in the way of cool shit. Munich is famous for beer. Period. The one positive of the walking tour was that we stopped for a beer break, where I promptly did away with an ice cold litre of Germany´s finest ale. That night, we decided to check out the world-famous Hofbrauhaus. We took our seats, ordered up some brews and Bavarian cuisine (basically a million different varities of sausages and jumbo overly-salted pretzels) and started to let the good times roll. We were already a few beers in when some friendly German folks set-up shop beside us. On the other side I was socialzing with some American executives from Bausch and Lomb who were well on thier way to catching me and Slim for drunkness. The one American dude pulled out his company credit card and ordered a round for everyone (nine of us at this time!). Pretty nice gesture considering it cost over $80 and was the equivalent of ordering twenty-seven beers back home in one shot! Needless to say we closed the place down and had a walk home that neither of us can recall (all we know is we smoked two cigars, which were missing from our package, and we somehow made it to bed!).




Thursday, the 14th of June, we were a hurting unit. Slim wanted to visit Dachau (imprisonment/concentration camp) on the outskirts of Munich where over 206,000 people where imprisoned between 1933 and 1945. About 25% of the prisoners (Jews, homosexuals, gypises, POW) died here, although the gas chambers were never put into use (although they are there and just as equally eerie to see regardless). It was quite the harrowing and humbling experience, although it is good to see Germany face its dark-past and pay homage to those who were lost in some of the darkest days of modern humanity. On the way back, we ran into a couple (Chris and his girlfirend) who we had been chilling with the day before, That night, Slim and I made our way to our third beer garden in three nights, this time the Chinese Garden, which is located in the Englischer Garten (larger than Hyde Park and Central Park). Long story short, we ate and drank some more big beers and stumbled our asses back to the hostel.




Friday, we took a day trip a couple hours out of Munich to visit Neuschwanstein Castle, or as most people call it, the Cinderella castle. It is this beautiful castle cut into the side of the Alps, that was the basis for the castle in the animated movie Cinderella, and also appears as the backdrop for the Walt Disney Logo as we now know it. That night, we got back kind of late so we made another pilgrimage to Pizza Hut before closing out the night in our hostel´s bar, which was pretty poppin´.




Saturday, we hopped on a train and arrived in Heidelberg, Germany a couple of hours later. Heidelgerg is home to one of the other famous castles in Europe, as well as the oldest university in Germany. That afternoon, we just visited the castle before doing some souvenir shopping. It was here that I made the purchase of a lifetime in the form of Das Boot! Anyone who´s seen the movie "Beerfest" knows what I´m talking about, and I can´t wait to get home and test this puppy out! For dinner, we decided to check out the Hard Rock Cafe. They were serving cheap cocktails all night, which led to us staying there, getting pretty hammed all night and chilling with some local university students before retiring to our residence. Sadly we were just too gassed to hit up the local clubs. Damn I´m getting weak at my old age!




Today, we were back on the trains, this time our stop was Cologne, Germany (home of the famous Eau De Cologne). On the train, I was constantly being harrassed by this baby who would just randomly pop up in between my seats every couple of minutes. Good thing I am also easily amused and we got along together just nicely playing ball and such. Sadly, the place where cologne was invented was closed, so we headed over to the chocolate museum. It was way better than the other chocolate museum in Barcelona, and I am still in awe that they put that many millions of dollars into building a chocolate museum. But hey, as long as dumb tourists like me keep showing up, the chocolate shall flow like gold! Tonight I shall take it easy as tomorrow will bring the toughest test of all for my health...Amsterdam for four nights.




Anyways, I hear some German draught calling my name! Stay classy!


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Eurotrip ´07 - June 12 - The Communist Party. Good Times...Part 8/10

(Originally published June 12, 2007)

(Pictured: Prague at night. Some of the oldest architecture in Europe, as Prague was one of the only major European cities not bombed during WWII.)


So our first night in Prague was pretty uneventful. Like most cities that we end up spening multiple nights in, we basically just went to the convenience store, bought a bunch of beer and proceeded to get loaded in a public park. God bless Europe and their lack of "open alcohol in public" laws.


Sunday we were propistioned by a couple of our roommates, Veemer and Anaan to go on the walking tour of Prague. Being the good sports that we are, we naturally said yes and the four of us perfectly straight men were off on a date. The tour in general was pretty shitty, mostly due to the guide´s poor English. But he did take us to all of the major tourist sites, such as the Charles Bridge, Prague Castle, Old Town Square, and the John Lennon Wall. During the tour, Slim met a couple of American girls, and we all agreed to meet up that night and go to some big 5-storey club. Early in the evening, I went to play some poker but the game never started up so I went back to the hostel and was greeted by Slim and the one and only Cindy who had arrived from Vienna. They were boozing it up on the patio, and were quickly joined by myself and a collection of other characters from the hostel. That night our posse of about twelve or so made it to the club (a little late, due to excessive patio drinking = fucked Slim over with the not-so-impressed-Americans) and danced the night away to ridiculously cheezy early 90s dance music and some crazy 80s pop music. Best workout I´ve had since the collapse of the Berlin Wall. Sidenote: Later that night, after the bar, Slim and some other dudes were propositioned to go to a midget strip club (no joke!), where you could get it on with the midgets or watch them indulge in midget sex.....I definately would have gone in, but hey that´s just me!


Monday we were back hard on the tourist trail after one of the rougher nights of our vacation. During the day Slim, Cindy, and I hit up the Museum of Medieval Torture (no explanation needed) as well as the Communist Museum (I think our British mate was rather bored to tears). That afternoon, I wanted to go the Museum of Sexual Instruments, but no one would go with me, so I shall just have to wait until Amsterdam for the live sex shows instead.


Tuesday, June 5th, I for some ungodly reason was put in charge of giving Cindy a walking tour of Prague and trying to remember information from a tour I never paid attention to in the first place. Let´s just say my tour was a little rough around the edges....That night, Slim, Cindy, Veemer, Anand, myself and some others did our own version of a pub crawl. First we wanted to go get shit-faced on the swan boats and paddle boats but they were closed, so we had to settle for a bunch of pubs instead. Thanks to Veemer (and his ridiculous smuggling skills), I was also able to get my first taste of some Amsterdam bud, which I rather enjoyed as I had not smoked since our first weekend in London. Talk about a layoff and a half! Thank God for Ivy League graduates and their awesome drug smuggling skills.


From Prague, we caught a rather lengthy train to Budapest, Hungary. We had to take four trains that day, but we made it! Upon arrival, we were greeted by this crazy-ass hostel (Backpackers), where we stayed in a Bob Marley themed room. Needless to say, that night Slim and I chilled in the hostel bar with a bunch of others and just drank our faces off and smoked some delicious tabacco out of their inhouse hookah pipe (I´m trying to get ready for alll the Turkish people in Germany).


Our first full day in Budapest we decided to check out some of the sites with our new found buddy from the night before, "Seattle" Abe. The three of us checked out the Museum of Terror (former head of the Hungarian Secret Police, really creepy, but awesome and informative), Heroes´Square, some churches and other related shit, and then we went to the thermal baths for the remainder of the afternoon. The thermal baths were pretty amazing. They are all these pools and tubs that are naturally heated by the thermal spings in the ground and reach "hot tub-like" temperatures. There was a large contingent of gay American men there who were saying some pretty freaky shit to each other (hey I eavesdrop) and I almost burst out laughing a few times, but then realized that that may not be the most politically correct thing to do. That night, Slim, Abe, and I decided to hit up this place we had heard about from some of the others called the Mongolian Grill. It was an all you can eat and drink (booze) buffet from 5pm till 12:30am. We were the first people to arrive there that night for dinner (about 5:30pm) and a couple hundred patrons later, the last to leave when they closed the doors. Not surprisingly, it was a bit of a sloppy walk home that definately involved a stop for some more beers from the gas station! In the end though, we got our monies worth and that´s all that matters when you´re partaking in the sport of buffeting!


Friday, young Slim and I decided to go our separate ways for the day. He had made the decision to go caving (where you crawl around in these caves on your stomach, or something to that effect). I, on the other hand, decided to try my hand at the sport of cable-boarding. Cable-boarding, is like wakeboarding, but instead of being pulled by a boat, a cable pulls you around the lake. Needless to say it was quite difficult and I never managed to make it more than sixty feet before I would have this spectacular crash. I think it´s fairly safe to say that my athletic skills have waned significantly over the last few years!


Saturday, was for lack of better words, a fucking nightmare! We spent over twelve hours on trains to try and get to this small German town called Rothenburg Ob Der Tauber (don´t quote me on the spelling), where we would only be spending one night. Because of train delays, we missed the last tour of the day and were therefore relegated to parouse the streets of the ancient walled medieval city on our own for a couple of hours before complete nightfall set in. So yeah, that day really was a complete write-off. Ah well, life goes on.


The next morning we were back on trains (way too common of a theme) and headed for the buzzing metropolis of Berlin. Our first night in Berlin was pretty uneventful as we just tried to find this bar called Dr. Pong´s, which advertised itself as a ping-pong bar. Needless to say, it had closed down recently (and I had wasted three hours of my life I will never get back) and we were left to walk around the streets of Berlin and get drunk the old-fashioned way: by stopping at every take-out store on our journey and purchasing a bottle of some quality German ale. Beer rocks!


Yesterday, June 11, ws a little more productive from a "doing-some-tourist-shit" standpoint. That night I am pretty sure I was attacked by bedbugs as I am completely covered in these fucking bites and I am itchier than a Sasquatch with crabs. In the morning, I went out and got my second European haircut. Again, I had a bit of a communication barrier, but all in all it seemed to turn out okay, that is if your idea of okay is looking like Hitler´s long lost cousin. That afternoon after Slim arose from his beauty sleep we made our way over to the Berlin Zoo, home to Europe´s largest collection of animals. Seeing as how it was about forty degrees Celsius out, every animal was indulging in nap time, and I couldn´t really blame them as i was sweating my bag off and eating copious amounts of ice cream. Following the inner-city safari, we went on a four-hour bike tour of Berlin. We took in all of the major sites in East and West Berlin (ie/ Berlin Wall, Checkpoint Charlie, Museum Island, etc.) and were even subjected to a park full of men all sunbathing naked. That was special, in an Elton John kind of way.


Anyways, we just got in to Munich today and are going to be spending four nights here. Beer garden capital of the world , and home to Oktoberfest. I may have just found heaven on Earth. To the beer gardens I go!!!!


Sidenote: Make sure you wish your old man a Happy Father´s Day this Sunday you goons.


Monday, March 9, 2009

Eurotrip '07 - June 1 - They Speak German, Not Austrian...Part 7/10

(Originally published June 1, 2007)

(Pictured: Venice at night, where the streets have no name. Maybe they do, I'm just making that up)


So our first night in Florence, we ended up taking in the finals of the Champions League between Liverpool!!!!! and AC Milan. We couldn't believe it, but every bar in the city had taken reservations for the game annd was booked solid. Luckily, we found a pub that was willing to accept a couple of naive Canadians, and to top it off, they forgot to charge us for one of our pitchers, which saved us about $25! Alright...now if only Liverpool could have found a way to show up for the game....



Our second day in Florence, SlimJim and I went to Accademia in the morning to see Michelangelo's famous statue, David. That statue was pretty awesome, as was much of his other works, and definately ranked as one of the better art museums we have visited. Later on, we took a day trip with our homie from Oklahoma, RyGuy, to visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa. I hate to say it, but it was pretty uneventful, other than when we took the stupid pictures of us trying to hold the tower up. We basically got off the train, walked to see the tower, and then went back to the train and back to Florence. That night, Slim and RyGuy decided to stay in like a couple of weak North Americans, while I hit the town with a wide assortment of characters, including one Japanese dude who spoke like twenty words of English. It was good times all around, as about 6 or 7 of us just got trashed outside of some cafe with the hostel manager, who claimed that it was perfectly okay to leave the hostel without any supervision (he may have been high and or drunk, as he should be!). His English skills basically consisted of the words "cool man!" and that's all he said to us in his mocking Iranian/Italian/American accent over the course of two days. What a fucker!



Friday, the 25th of May saw us make our way to the tourist capital of Italy, Rome. Due to poor planning, we were forced to stay in three different hostels in four nights, and the only hostel we got for multiple nights, we had to switch rooms! Our first night, we stayed in a hostel that was about an hour out of the city centre, as it was actually by the beaches outside of Rome. During the day, we just lounged around the beaches before waiting for the action to kick in. Our friend Cindy from Seville happened to be staying there as well (although she was without Yang who was pronounced dead upon arrival in Italy and had to be shipped back to either England or China, not sure on her immigration status), so we made plans to meet up with her that night. That evening, a large group of Americans, Canadians, and one foreigner, Cindy the Brit, went out for dinner, where we all proceeded to drink heavily except for these two weird girls from the States who had choir practice or some shit in the morning. They definately were not like the rest of us hammer cases! After that, Slim and I proceeded to whoop ass in ping-pong (tried beer pong, glasses were too small, and we were all too drunk) against a bunch of dudes from Montreal. Not yet content with the night, Cindy, Slim and I proceeded to make our way to the beach (red wine in hand), where we found this awesome beach bar that let you bring your own booze in, although I still managed to spend well over $60 on their beer. We partied hard there till the sun came up, which believe me made for a not-so-fun sleep in the foyer of the hostel at about 6am.



Saturday, Slim and I were both viciously hung over and we had to move to a hostel about an hour away from the beaches, back in the city centre of Rome. I tried to go the Vatican that day, but when I arrived there, I was too exhausted (still sweating out my alcohol) and just decided to head back to the hostel for some R&R. When I was just about to leave the Vatican, the Pope came out and gave a speech from his window (a la Eurotrip) and everyone went crazy, as if he was the biggest rock star in the world (that title belongs to Burt Bacharach). That night, Slim, Cindy, and I had predetermined that we were going to do the Spanish Steps pub crawl, which came highly recommended to us. We paid $30 and were given unlimited drinks and pizza for the first hour and a half, as well as a t-shirt (which I naturally lost) followed by vists to four bars/clubs, each with a free shot upon entrance. Needless to say everyone was a train wreck after the first hour and I was most definately feeling the effects for a couple of days after. But hey, good times all around, even if my liver doesn't fully agree that partying till the sun comes up two nights in a row is a good idea!



By Sunday, my hard-partying ways started to catch up with me and I was basically dead. Slim and I went to vist the Colosseum, where it seemed that everyone and their brother was talking about Maximus aka Russell Crowe from Gladiator (solid film by the way). That night was my first dry night in a while, and I hit the sack rather early (11:30pm) in an attempt to partially cleanse my sytem. Bravo!



Monday I decided to make my way back to the Vatican Museum. The line-up was huge (over an hour to get in), but luckily I ran into these guys from the University of Florida who I had partied with in Interlaken and ran into again in Florence, so I chilled with them as we awaited our grand entrance. Let's just say, the museum is not all it's cut out to be, and I went through the paces as fast as I could. That night some peeps at the hostel left me in charge of movie selection, which naturally led to me selecting Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and There's Something About Mary as the night's viewing fare. What can I say, I got great taste!



The 29th of May saw the Brent and Slim show make their way to the romance capital of the world, Venice. We got in fairly late in the afternoon, so we just explored the city and its crazy maze of streets and canals. It's ridiculous how fast the city is sinking (I believe 1 inch per year), and many parts of it are already under water. Sad to say, but I don't think Venice will be around too much longer. People had warned us that Venice was extremely confusing and they weren't lying. Slim and I got lost for over two hours, during which time he kept trying to seduce me, but I wasn't having any of that (sick bastard)! That night while I was out exploring the streets, I was propositioned by some hookers, as I should be (always helps out with my ego issues).



Our second day in Venice was a little more productive than the first. We made our way into the city at a decent time and purchased our one day water bus pass for the over-the-top price of $23! When in Venice! The funny thing was that you didn't really need a pass because no one ever checks them, as all the buses are packed full and quite frankly, I just don't think the drivers care! Good thing when we were on the boat I had my newly minted Venetian Sailor's cap, which definately gave me a real sense of worthiness out on the open waters (in reality I looked like a tool, but the sheer novelty of the cap was too much to bear). That afernoon, we made our way out to one of the Venetian islands, Lido, where Slim proceeded to whoop my out-of-shape ass in some beach soccer. I almost stopped breathing on several occasions, but managed to make it through the ordeal alive.



Tuesday morning, it was time to move on up in the world, out of Italy, and on to Salzburg, Austria. Austria was going to be a quick two days and out, so we had to actually do some productive tourist stuff while there. That afternoon, we visited Festung Hohensalzburg, which is the largest preserved castle (never attacked) in all of Europe. I wish that one was as exciting as it sounds, but quite frankly it wasn't! We also visited the city's most famed residence, that of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. I'll let you imagine what it looked like (don't get too creative). That night, was the earliest I think I have been to bed since I was about six months old. I hit the hay at 8:30pm and didn't rise until 9:30am the next day. When my body started shaking that day, I think it was telling me that I really have to slow down on the substance abuse front for a few days and catch up on some sleep.



The next morning, Slim and I went to vist Mozart's Geburtshaus (birthplace). After that we boarded a day train, as we were off to visit the largest ice caves in the world, known as Eisriesnwelt (don't even ask me to translate that one!). Once we got there, we had a bit of a hike, followed by a cable car ride up a mountain to the entrance of the ice caves, whereupon entrance we were given a guided tour. Inside was unlike anything I have even seen before! Just walls and walls of ice, which have been swept into these crazy shapes by the wind over the course of thousands of years. Definately something I would recommend to anyone visiting Austria, a true marvel of nature. That night I just pounded a few Stiegl's (good Austrian beer) back with some of the others in the hostel bar, where we were unfortunate enough to be joined by this one dude from San Francisco who was the biggest tool in the world, and kept trying to talk down to us, when in fact he was always wrong. Whatever, morons are abound everywhere, look no further than the author for proof of that one.



SO......it's now the first of June, I have freshly arrived in Prage, Czech Republic and I'm still alive. So far my casualty list includes:

2 corkscrews (either corks here are tough, or their corckscrews are shit)

2 t-shirts (one lost during the pub crawl, other got doused in red wine, by a certain somebody, not naming any names)

2 pairs of sunglasses (one pair just mysteriously broke, other got crippled in transport)

1 Toronto Blue Jays Hat (left it at some dude's house in London, damn I loved that hat)

.....and prolly more shit that I can't even think of.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Eurotrip '07 - May 23 - ITALIA! ITALIA! (Baggio Still Sucks)...Part 6/10

(Originally published May 23, 2007)

(Pictured: One of the `Bern Bears`. Like a well-trained puppy, only slightly bigger and oh a larger snout!)

Well it's been over four weeks now and I'm still alive! I'm pretty sure most people thought I would be long dead by now, but I'm still kicking (although my liver is shot and my wallet significantly lighter then when I left for the old country). Miraculously, I also managed to survive my $30 haircut in Switzerland, where I think I said a total of four words to the hairdresser who I think wanted to kill me, but that's neither here nor there.


So Thursday we headed off to the capital city of Switzerland, Bern. When we arrived the place was like a ghost town and everything was closed down. Low and behold, it was a holiday, as seems to be the case about every four or five days in Europe. Bern wasn't exactly poppin' off or for that matter full of touristy shit to do. We visted Albert Einstein's former pad (still don't understand any of that relative theory shit); the tallest jet stream in Europe, and this thing called the Bern Bear Pit, where they have thses two brown bears basically living in the city (kind of like a one animal zoo I guess). When we checked into our hostel the lady running the joint said that she takes strict care of the kitchen, and I in turn said, "so you're basically like the kitchen Nazi". The room immediately went silent and I realized that that may not have been the best thing to say to someone in the German speaking part of Switzerland. That night I had a second blunder as I left our room door wide open for about four hours with literally $600 in cash and a couple thousand dollars worth of stuff just laying there. Thank God it was Switzerland though and all my shiznat was still there when I stumbled up later.


Friday we jetted off to a small town in central Switzerland known as Interlaken. It's a big tourist destination full of hiking, extreme sports and just tons of outdoor crap in general. Literally every picture you take there looks like a postcard and most of them look like you're green screening yourself into the shots. It's absolutely gorgeous. Slim and I decided to indulge in some Friday afternoon hiking, which consisted of a 2.5 hour climb up this mountain known as Harder Kulm (loose translation: BIG MOTHERFUCKIN HILL THAT WILL MAKE YOU SWEAT YOUR BALLS OFF) and then a one hour jaunt down. The hike was crazy and I was so gassed that night that there was only one extreme sport I was going to participate in: getting shit-faced with like-minded North Americans!


Saturday we decided to take a short train ride over to this other little town known as Lauterbrunnen to do some more hiking/sight-seeing. There we visted Trummelbach Fallls, which are the only glacial waterfalls in all of Europe that can be accessed by the public. It was pretty sweet, as you pay like $10 and they take you up this elevator a few hundred feet and then you enter these caves where it's so cold from the waterfalls you can see your breath. Meanwhile, outside it's so hot your genitals are sticking to the side of your legs.That night I proceeded to make a large quantity alcoholic beverage purchase from the local store with big plans of boozing hard. Luckily I ran into this dude named Paco from New Mexico who was basically a Hispanic version of me and we proceeded to do some international relations work with the help of our good friends at Ruggenbrau Beer.


Sunday was basically a nothing day. We jetted from Interlaken and made our way to the real Woodbridge aka Italy. Our first night we spent in Milan. There we decided to take it easy, as the only big attraction we hit up was the Duomo, which is the third largest church in the world. I'm pretty jaded on churches right now though, so they all kind of seem the same to me now. That night was the first time in the entire trip we had some TV, so I just spent the night watching quality MTV programs like "Pimp My Ride" and "Reality TV: Where Are They Now?".


Monday morning we boogyed down to Cinque Terre from Milan. Cinque Terre is this Italian coastal region of these five villages that are all connected by hiking paths. The place used to be like a hidden gem, but now it's so overrun by North Americans that it's just like everywhere else you go (except smaller and a lot more scenic). We got there later than we planned, so Slim just went and worked on his tan (scary thought I know), and I just hiked around and drank some ale.


Tuesday we woke up and decided to hit the hiking trails. We covered all of the trails between the villages in a few hours and were thorougly gassed. Slim had had enough hiking and decided to go for a dip in the ocean, while I (I'm thoroughly afraid of being eaten alive by a giant fish) decided to tough it out and hit some more trails so I could avoid being killed in two feet of water. That night we stayed in and chilled with a bunch of people we were rooming with. Man, I tell you it seems every American you meet thinks we live in snow all the time, and are basically so oblivious to anything outside of America that it's scary. We were staying with a girl in law school from Mississippi and a dude who goes to an Ivy League school (Penn) and Slim and I were both more in tune to American politics/general world knowledge than they were. To me if you're going to those kinds of schools you should damn well be smarter than a fucking construction worker from Canada. Shameful.


So today we arrived in Florence here and man it just seems to be getting hotter and hotter every day in Italy. Tonight we're going to check out the Champion's League Final between Liverpool and AC Milan, and you damn well better believe I'm hoping that the Reds whoop some Italian ass!


Sidenote: It is totally bizarre how all of the real Italian people in Italy speak better English than those who move to Canada and have lived there for like fifty years. Someone should tell the Italian-Canadian community this, as it's rather quite comical.


Anyways, hope all y'all mofos have a party-hardy weekend and remember to stay classy, cause THAT'S HOW I ROLL!!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Eurotrip '07 - May 16 - Midgets Are Scary. Like Really Scary...Part 5/10

(Originally published May 16, 2007)

(Pictured: Seville aka the only place I`ve been on Earth that`s hotter than hell)

So Saturday morning we tried to book our train to Switzerland for the following day but low and behold due to our own sheer laziness and lack of pre-planning we found out that we would not be able to make it there until Wednesday morning. So we decided to head to Seville in the south of Spain the following day, and figured we would just catch a train in the morning to there. The rest of Saturday we basically did nothing, but in true Spanish form we went to the Irish pub that night to watch a little baseball and hockey. God bless North American sports!

Sunday we finally packed up and were ready to leave Madrid when low and behold we couldn't get a fucking train again! At the station we ran into one of our buddies, Gene (from Toronto), who was also on his way to Seville later that day. Eventually we were able to get out later in the afternoon although that basically pissed away a day and just led to us doing nothing except going out for some fine cuisnine in the form of Kronnenberg beer and barbeque pizza. Seville's nightlife was significantly tamer than Madrid's so there was not a whole lot to do. We stayed in the hostel and played some ridiculously stupid card games (Tractor, Crazy 8s, lots of other dumb shit) against our new found British friends Yang Gang Bang (YGB) and Cindy. Needless to say I'm a card playing legend and proceeded to whoop ass all over Seville (Some facts may have been slighlty altered to appease my ego).

Well May 14 brought about a pleasant day in the bum-ridden city of Seville. Slim in his typical form would not roll his lazy ass out of bed so I just said "fuck it" and decided to hit the town on my own. Most of the major attractions were closed on Monday so I was only able to hit up the big two, the Seville Cathedral and The Plaza del Toros. The Plaza Del Toros is another one of Spain's famous bullfighting rings and instead of seeing the show I opted to just do the tour this time. At the Cathedral I again ran into Gene who was with our other buddy Glen and was joking about how I couldn't escape them no matter where I went. That night SuperSlim made plans for us to go out for dinner and to take in some hardcore Flamenco dancing with Yang Gang Bang and Cindy. Man I really wish my name rhymed with cool shit like gang bang. We had some crap-tacular Irish food for dinner but at least they were selling cheap beer, which in my books more that makes up for even the worst food. So after dinner we searched for this god-damn flamenco dancing show forever (don't put women in charge of directions) and finally found it six score and seven days later. At the show we again ran into Gene and Glen who were now hanging out with this idiot we had roomed with in Paris. It was a total Six Degrees of Separation moment. During the show I couldn't stop laughing at the man beast of a woman who was on stage singing. Her bosoms are still haunting me to this minute. After the show the girls again proceeded to get us lost on the way home to make it a perfect 3-for-3 on getting us lost in one night! Men are the only navigators. Period.

Tuesday we were finally ready to leave Spain. But it was going to be a chore and a half. We first took a 2.5 hour train from Seville to Madrid, followed by a 5.5 hour train to Barcelona. From there, we had a 2.5 hour layover before catching our first, and hopefully last, overnight train to Geneva, Switzerland. My cabin on the train was good fun as it consisted of a Spaniard, a Latino, A Korean, and me. Great communication going on in our cab, let me tell ya!

Today we arrived in Geneva bright and early at 5:30 am. We made our way over to our hostel to get cleaned up. When I emerged from the shower there stood in front of me this horrid, and man do I mean horrid, looking little person. Now don't get me wrong I've seen many attractive little people, but this guy scared the shit out of me, especially at 7:00 am. So after that life altering experience Slim and I were on our way to check out the fairly limited sights of Geneva. We went and did a tour of the United Nations Building which was pretty decent, followed by an excruciatingly boring visit to the Red Cross Museum. You win some, you lose some. As we emerged from the UN Building, Slim spotted something....my ugly midget friend! He quickly agreed that that was the ugliest dwarf he had seen this week. This afternoon we just kind of perused the streets of Geneva and took in some of the other sights. I mostly just went around with my camera attempting to get birds of all varieties to strike nice poses for me. After Slimmy told me that swans have known to attack handsome men named Brent I became a little skeptical and started to back off a bit. Tonight I think I'm gonna go and attempt to speak French and get my haircut. I have a feeling that this could get real ugly, real fast, and it's highly likely that I will end up with a mullet. Oh, and by the way it is true that Switzerland is CRIMINALLY expensive.

Until next time, peace out, and remember.....If you forgot about Mother's Day you're an asshole of a child!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Eurotrip ´07 - May 11 - Mullet Fearers Beware!...Part 4/10

(Originally published May 11, 2007)

(Pictured: The bullfighting stadium. Let's play "Where's Brent?" I'm there look hard!)

So Barcelona was just a mess from beginning to end. Slim and I really didn´t plan anything too well, and like I said we ended up staying in three different places in three nights. Our last night, we stayed in this stinky ass hostel that for lack of a better description smelled like feet and had a quality assortment of pubic hairs on the sheets. Very nice! So that night we just sat around in our room drinking beers shooting the shit with some girl from Bulgaria who was pretty cool. Then we decided in our infinite sober wisdom to hit the town. We tried forever to find a couple of these clubs that we thought we knew where they were, but in reality we didn´t. So... I went and bought what I thought was a meatlovers pizza. As I´m eating it, I remark to Slim that this meat tastes kind of funny. Even though he was intoxicated that boy still knows his pizza and instantly recognized it as anchovies. Although it was disgusting I did the honourable thing and ate those god damn fish like it was going out of style.


Tuesday morning we got a train from Barcelona to Madrid. It took us the better part of the day to get there. When we arrived we were pleasantly surpirsed to see what was literally a converted 18th century palace serving as the hostel. Top amenities and a sick bar to go with it were definately a step-up over the pubic fair at the last place. That night, I made a revelation on the hostel´s computers........ it enabled me to download and play on the PokerStars software. Not good. So I just drank in the hostel bar and played poker that night. Just like the old days!


Wednesday morning we decided to get back on the tourist bandwagon and see what Madrid had to offer. We went and walked around and checked out a couple of famous Plazas (or so the guidebooks say) as well as the Gran Via, which is a famous shopping street. Nothing too exciting, but we were gonna be in Madrid for five days and had to kill some time. Going in to Spain, we had heard all about these "siestas" they take which are afternoon naps/breaks where everything just shuts down for like four hours. Barcelona was SO tourist driven so I guess this wasn´t really the norm but in Madrid it was a whole new ball game. the place turns in to a ghost town from like noon till 4 pm. So, in an effort to blend in I promptly returned to my room to have a siesta after a hard day of touristing. That night I went to check out a local pub and by the time I came back everyone had left for the bars/clubs. I tried to go to sleep at like 12:30 (very early by my standards) but this fat guy in my room was snoring like nothing I had ever heard before. Finally after I get to sleep Slim saunters in at like 4 am just absolutely shittered and proceeds to wake me and proclaim that he´s drunk and can´t sleep on the top bunk cause he has the spins. I tell him where to go and try to go back asleep to no avail. He for some reason just stands at the edge of the bed for like fifteen minutes before deciding that I wasn´t going to move and then crashes his way into bed.


Thursday morning we hooked up with a dude named Anthony from British Columbia, who like me, was a carpenter. The three of us went and checked out the Museo Del Prado (another boring art museum) and the Palacio Real, which is a famous palace that has gotta be the size of like thirty-nine city blocks. It´s possibly the second most ballin´ pad of all time right behind Uncle Phil´s sick crib on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That night a group of seven of us decided to head over to the famous Plaza de la Ventas to check out the bullfights. You wanna talk about craziness on a whole new level! Holy shit. This stadium was the second biggest bullfighting stadium in the world and it was packed to the rafters with crazy Spaniards cheering on these Matadors sticking swords into the necks of the bulls. I really didn´t get it, I mean how is it a sport if the same team wins every time. Anyways it was just one of those things you gotta see to believe. After the bullfights, we headed back to the hostel and rounded up some more troops to head out to the clubs. About fifteen of us bar-hopped for a bit before a small group of us branched off. It was during this time that we were walking down the street and two transsexuals started cat-calling me and trying to grab me and were generally being quite sexually suggestive towards me. I wanted to take them up on their offer but none of the other guys would let me!... In reality, I was scared and ran away and everyone was laughing their ass off at me. Another night in the life of Brent.


Friday I set out on my own to the Cultura Urbana Festival. It´s a huge annual hip-hop festival in Madrid that was expected to draw over 40,000 people in two days. The first day (which I attended) was headlined by Redman and Beenie Man, while the second day was supposed to feature Nas (cancelled last minute) and Ja Rule. The bill was rounded out by a shitload of other Spanish and international Urban acts. The concert was off-the-hook and let me just say that those Spanish folks love thier hip-hop. The thing I really couldn´t get over though was the abundance of various forms of mullets. I mean the fucking things were everywhere in every possible style that you can think of. It was simply ridiculous. If I had to put a number on it, I would say between 30-38% of males between the ages of 15-25 are rocking mullets in the greater Madrid area. Unreal to say the least. Don´t even get me going on the velcro shoes. Mother of God!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Eurotrip ´07 - May 7 - Hug A Veteran Or Speak German You Sally...Part 3/10

(Originally published May 7, 2007)

(Pictured: Me looking like a donk in the FC Barcelona Stadium. I just look SO into it!)


So Wednesday rolls around in the lovely city of Paris and after a national holiday on a Tuesday in the middle of the week (cause that´s how Frenchies roll) it was time to get back on the tourist trail. Today we hit up a couple of those things you gotta do in Paris, even if you don´t want to, as we headed to the Louvre art museum and Notre Dame. I´ve been to both of these places about ten years ago, and they bored me to tears then and they still do now, but hey you gotta take some for Team Tourism. We also did the whole Arc de Triomphe and Avenue Des Champs-Elysees. All over Paris there´s mad gypsies everywhere trying to hustle cash off you by asking you if you speak English. So as we´re standing by the Arc talking to these stupid-as-fuck American girls, and this gypsy catches us speaking English. She argues with me about whether or not I´m speaking English, when Slim blurts out, "gypsy give me your tears". The gypsy then says, "no, you are the gypsy", and proceeds to pull Slim´s hair. Good times all around. That night I went out to watch some soccer with our new roommate Anne who was from Toronto and happened to have the same girls´ backpack as me. Hey, it happens. Later we all hooked up with some drunk-as-fuck dude from Calgary and some German sounding American who claims he was born in America and proceeded to indulge in some more alcoholic beverages.


Thrusday I slept in and had my first official day of doing nothing. Me and Super Slim split up for the day and I basically just walked around Paris and got lost. I made it home pretty early and then decided to do some reading and drink some tallboys. Then Anne our roommate came back and it was time for her and I to have a red wine party. Slim came back and was pretty sure we were both a couple of hammer cases. Then our new roommate showed up. He was some recent university graduate from California who thought we spoke French in Toronto and thought it was cold 24/7/365 in Canada. We polished off a couple of bottles of red wine before we went to back to the Wall where I was basically now best friends with the bartender. Anne didn´t like the fact that the bartender brought over Slim´s beer before hers, but I told her that we were their best clients EVER!


Friday morning it was time to leave Paris. We got on a train to Bayeux in the Normandy region of France. We were heading up there to do a tour of various D-Day sites relating to Canada´s/Allied Forces most notorious/famed mission during World War II. We did about a five hour tour with six or seven other Canadians. It was an amazing tour. Really makes you appreciate what those men and women did for our country and the world. Don´t ever forget that if it wasn´t for those brave soldiers we might all be speaking German right now. Schiza! (

Saturday was basically just a ridiculous travel day. We woke up early and caught a two-and-a-half train back into Paris. From there we took an eight hour ride to Barcelona, Spain, where we got in around 10 pm. By the time we found our hotel it was after 11 so we just stayed in and drank some beers and played some crazy eight countdown.


Sunday we had to switch to another hostel in Barcelona because we didn´t really plan anything too well and ended up staying in three different places in three nights in Barcelona. So after relocating from the hotel back to the more familiar grounds of a hostel, we decided to hit up the town. We checked out Las Ramblas (famous street with performers and shops), the Barcelona Aquarium (very cool, featured on the Amazing Race, and also the largest aquarium in Europe), and some other famous buildings and shit. Barcelona is definately a whole different vibe then Paris, everyone seems more laidback, although a lot of the tourist stuff is kinda shiot and boring. We went back to our hostel that night to find we had been shacked up with some stupid Americans (recurring theme here) who didn´t even know what Toronto was. They were some dumb hick girls from Northern California so me and SlimJim just chilled and watched some TV and dranks some brews.


Today, we decided to go check out Picasso´s museum, which is the busiest museum in Barcelona. But low and behold it was closed on all "working Monday´s" so we then promptly headed to the Chocolate History Museum. There, I learned all about why I love Crunchie bars so much and chocolate milkshakes. They had a ton of crazy stuff built out of chocolate, like a gigantic Chicken Little and Ronaldinho (soccer player for all you Bradford non-Portuguese people) just to name a couple. After, keeping in the spirit of soccer, we decided to head over to the FC Barcelona stadium and to do the tour. This is one of the most storied sites in all of sports and the tour and subsequent museum are a definite must even for the most casual of sports fans (seats over 120,000 people with 90,000 season ticket holders). Well, tomorrow we are off to Madrid for a few days, but not before we have one solid-as-fuck party night in Barcelona.


Stay classy B-Dot!