Sunday, November 29, 2009

Wednesday, November 18, 2009- Vegas, Chicago, and Cubs, Oh My!

So where to begin? Well first off all let me just say that I am back and my cheeseball writing will be in full effect. If you don’t like, you can go and read a novel about vampire lovin’ (or if you’re me just go and watch the movies instead. Respect to Edward Cullen, just sayin’). Now to get back on track…

I am currently writing from Sydney, Australia surrounded by beautiful oceans and koala bears galore. And by oceans and bears I of course mean German tourists and people who have a bad habit of saying “cheers” so often you would think Ted Danson was the unofficial Prime Minister of the country.

Anyways, quick back story before I go on. For the last two-and-a-half years I have documented most of my travels that take me both far and not so far (my general rule is more than five hours driving constitutes a worthy vacation blog). So I have generally spared people reading about my escapades in locales such as Niagara Falls, upstate New York, and the ever exotic Toronto! On that note though, I did get a little bit lazy and failed to write anything from my last two trips. So before I start typing in Australian (slight variation of English), you will be forced to read about some of the other shit I did, but was just too lazy to type this summer. So, in brief…

Back in July, LappDance and I went on my second trip of the year to lovely Las Vegas to catch UFC 100 and the UFC Fan Expo. All in all nothing too crazy happened by Vegas standards. Lapp kept getting hit on by women that were all hookers, but it usually took him the better part of an hour to figure this out, but such is life when you’re looking for love in the Hooters Hotel and Casino. On the gambling front, I clocked a nice win of close to a thousand dollars the first afternoon playing poker at Bellagio, but by the end of the weekend had given most of it back through poor decisions, usually involving lots of booze. As far as UFC was concerned, well anyone who watched the event can tell you it was awesome (see: best ever!). Lesnar and GSP both kicked ass, so my life was relatively complete. After the event on the Saturday night, I immediately waited for Ryan to fall asleep (we had a tough one the night before getting killed by everyone and their brother at the beer pong tables at Excalibur) and then promptly went over to MGM Grand to play some poker. I stayed awake all night thanks to various Red Bull concoctions and went to the airport the next morning drunk as a skunk and wired off my face. And as if the doctor told me last week I drink too much and it causes liver damage. What an uneducated idiot!

In August, my girlfriend, another couple and I went to Chicago for five nights of pure tourist attractions. I can’t really remember what happened and what we did and when, so I will just list random things and give them a ranking on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being totally crap, like the kind of thing you do with someone you don’t want to ever talk to you again; and a 10 being super awesome, almost akin to the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Far-fetched, yes, but not totally unattainable, just unattainable anytime soon. So in no particular order:

1) Eat a deep dish pizza (6/10). Tons of places all over the city to do this and it really is an almost uniquely Chicago experience. Only problem is the famous places are all packed, and all the cheese on the pizza gave me exploding diarrhea.
2) Tour of Wrigley Field (7/10). The Cubs weren’t in town that weekend, so we had to settle for the tour. A great stadium with a lot of history (I still liked Fenway more), but it was a bit pricey and I just don’t like National League baseball teams.
3) White Sox vs. Yankees at U.S. Cellular Field (8/10). Great newer stadium with a good atmosphere, something that has been lacking in Toronto for the last 15 years. The fact that the peanuts were delicious and I was able to purchase a foam White Sox finger made it all the more enjoyable.
4) Architecture Cruise (7/10). One of the things that everyone who goes to Chicago inevitably does is take a cruise through the rivers that run through the city on one of the many tour operators. Very interesting and full of great sights to see, but it was a bit repetitive and any boat without a pirate show and/or burlesque act must by law receive no higher than a 7/10 on the Brentski® ranking scheme.
5) Lincoln Park Zoo (5/10). This place was way out of the way and well it does get props for having free admission, it was far from a world-class zoo. Leeanna was less than impressed with me that day, as I recall I made her walk over 14km that day, mostly to and from the zoo. Oh, and then I made her walk the ENTIRE zoo circuit and see every single animal, obscure mountain goats and all.
6) Get harassed by homeless men (9.5/10). By far the most memorable part of the trip was some of the funny encounters we had with homeless people. One guy summed up best when he chased me and Leeanna down a side street late at night and said “Yo, slow down! Why do all white people think we’re going to murder them!?” Needless to say I was quite frightened, but keeping true to my spirit I did not give him cash, but did cave a little bit and gave him a can of beer. Another favourite move of the homeless folks of Chicago is to play the role of the “homeless black war hero”. Sure seems to be a lot of vets living on Michigan Avenue. Now, if they actually are all vets, I deserve to rot in hell.
7) Buy $5 bottles of wine from 7-Eleven and drink in the hotel room. (8.5/10). I mean who doesn’t love doing this on vacation? Cheap wine and TBS movies = Jackpot!!!

Now, enough living in the past, up next Australia bitches!