Sunday, February 28, 2010

Monday, March 1, 2010- The Randomness That Is Life Down Under

As previously stated in my reports to the Pentagon and Chief Obama, this will be my last blog of playing catch-up and trying to remember stuff as it happened in the somewhat distant past. So without further mumblings, here in no particular order are a bunch of words that shall have no effect on human-kind as anyone knows it.

First and foremost, I have to give my shout-outs to all of the Canadian athletes who competed at this year’s Olympics. It was truly a great thing to watch, and our country, athletes, and hospitality were widely praised by all involved in the Australian Olympic coverage. My only gripe was the rather bizarre incident this morning involving the gold medal hockey match between the States and Canada. Instead of airing the game live at 7am local time Monday morning, they started the telecast at 9am with ten minutes left in the third period. And then after the game, they decided to show the whole game in its entirety starting from the beginning with everyone already knowing the outcome. Rather shitty, but other than that the coverage was good and a pleasant surprise to my usual viewing of Crocodile Hunter and music videos from INXS and Kylie Minogue.

Now a complete 180° turn. Since moving into our digs at 146/546 Flinders Street, the Boss and I have seen many holidays come and go, none of which I have reported on for the sad reason of most of them being fairly uneventful. Christmas was spent with us making chicken and instant mashed potatoes as we do not have an oven to cook a turkey. Pretty sure it concluded with us watching the Tim Allen Santa Clause movies on the tele. New Year’s was even less climatic, as I had to work all night at the restaurant in order to put food on the plates of my wife and three kids back home in El Salvador. Sorry, I forgot I wasn’t supposed to mention my illegitimate love children and their whore-of-a-mother in this blog (No disrespect to my non-existent Hispanic fan base). Valentine’s Day was also fairly uneventful, as just like New Year’s it’s a big one on the restaurant slave calendar and involved a whole lot of serving up third-rate pasta dishes. Leeanna had to settle for an early morning V-Day breakfast at the Pancake Parlour (I’m classy like that). One holiday (at least she’ll have you believe it should be recognized as one) that I was forced to take off work was Leeanna’s birthday. We started by going out for a nice dinner up on Lygon Street in the suburb of Carlton, which is famous for all of its restaurants. After downing some tasty steak and two litres of wine we made our way over to the bar Young and Jackson downtown for some awesome cover music and a whole lot more boozing. Let’s just say $200 dollars later I was doing somersaults in the apartment, while leaving our passports in the hallway of the building for no good reason. I also thought I had lost the keys to the apartment and Leeanna made me believe she found them out in the middle of the street a few blocks from our apartment. I believed her, and the truth didn’t come out for a few days, that I in fact had given the keys to her earlier in our very hazy evening. Wine + Jager + Beer + Midori + Vodka = Fine Form. My parents must be proud. Lindsey Lohan ain’t got shit on me!!!

I would also like to state that I survived the hottest night ever in Melbourne (okay, in 100 years) with no air conditioning in my apartment. The temperatures in Melbourne vary greatly in the summer months, with some days in the teens and windy (today) and some reaching up into the forties. Back in the summer of 2009, they had a stretch of close to a full week where the daytime temperatures were pushing close to 50°C every day and led to forest fires across the country and hundreds of deaths if I’m not mistaken. Luckily, this year we have only had one such day so far, where it reached a daytime temperature of around 45°C. Needless to say, I thought I was going to die, and it only got worse at night, as the temperature only dropped slightly below forty, thus making it the hottest night in over 100 years in Melbourne. What can I say; I was a part of modern history, right up there with Martin Luther King Jr. Seriously though, if you want to test your survival and relationship skills try sleeping on the fifteenth floor of an apartment building with no air conditioning, a shitty $10 fan, and no air circulation. Never have I enjoyed multiple cold showers and shrinkage quite so much in my life.

Now it’s time for a totally random story to be inserted in my tales, which I thought I should include because I can. Keep in mind that this all happened in under ten minutes. To begin, Leeanna and I had been enjoying a couple of beverages at the Crown Casino and were also stalking this trans-gender man-woman-transsexual-ladyboy for our amusement. After watching her/him for sometime try and pick up some unsuspecting dudes in the sports bar (not the best hunting grounds for these types I hear) we set about on our three minute walk home. Upon exiting the casino, we witnessed a total “Cops” moment as there was puke all over the sidewalk and about ten coppers arresting and attempting to subdue this crazy white trash woman. She was flailing around and giving it to them while her boyfriend or husband looked on in his clearly drink and drug induced fog. As we set on towards the apartment, we somehow befriended this really drunk guy from Tasmania and started chatting him up. As we crossed a really busy intersection, Mr. Too-Drunk-To-See-Straight just walked right out into oncoming traffic totally ignoring us at this point and came within a hair of getting engraved in the asphalt right before my eyes. A group of police officers on the other side of the road patrolling the area started giving the guy shit and tried to ask him what the fuck he was doing. At the same time the officers were attempting to corral the drunko, someone in the hostel window above where the cops were standing on the sidewalk decided to dump a pail of some liquid (think/hope it was water for their sake) out their window and directly onto the pre-occupied officers below. I am not sure if it was intentional or not, but Leeanna and I found this quite amusing and the cops were pissed. All-in-all it was an entertaining ten minutes that I am thinking of turning into a short musical, entitled, “Ladyboy, White Trash, and The Patrolling Pigs” (just a working title).

Lastly, I must briefly touch on my short-lived construction career in Australia. Serving in a restaurant in one of the more touristy areas of Melbourne has allowed me to meet people from all over Australia and the world. I do get some Canadians and Americans, and naturally our accents draw each other to inquire about one another’s circumstances, not unlike a mighty humpback whale’s mating call. Not sure if that analogy made any sense at all, but whatever I’m all jacked up on Monster Energy drinks as I write this. Regardless, one such customer from Cambridge, Ontario told me that he was in Melbourne on business, providing his expertise in building ice hockey rinks. Turns out, they were building the future home of the Australian Winter Olympic Training Facilities not far from where I was working. The gentleman came into the restaurant a few times (at this point aware of my carpentry background back home) and kept urging me to get in touch with the carpenters on site. I proved to be a little skeptical, as I did not really want to work construction in Australia, as I am lazy and did not want to go through the grind of having a “regular” job. With a couple of days off at my other job and some nudging, I finally went into the arena and was introduced to the Irish man who would be my boss for the next four days. I told him I did not have any tools yet, as I had not been working as a carpenter in Australia. He said it was okay and that I could just buy some in due time. I was able to score a free pair of work boots off of the Canadian supervisor as he was going home the day I started and recognized that I was probably living in poverty from my job at the restaurant. A very kind gesture nonetheless. Anyways, I was put right to work and ended up working eighteen hours my first day! Over the next four days I worked a total of close to fifty hours in addition to working at the restaurant two of the nights. The whole experience was really fucking weird to put it bluntly. I mean, here I am, this Canadian guy, working with a crew made up of all Irish guys who are here on work visas (Ireland’s economy has shit the bag and there’s no work for tradesmen there), building this world-class hockey rink and training facility in Australia. In the end, I was so burnt out by Friday night and never called my boss Flann over the weekend. He never called me either, and I decided right then and there that I was done with construction for the time being. I sure as hell didn’t come to Australia to work myself into an early grave. I got the rest of my life back home to do that! In the end, the people in the office paid me ($28 an hour, which was a pleasant surprise!) no questions asked and I haven’t heard from anyone in the company since. In conclusion, the extra money from those four days has come in quite handy and if I feel myself slipping too far into the lower reaches of society on my pittance of a restaurant wage I can always attempt to find a construction job. Oh, and I can add, “Australian Winter Olympic Training Facility Builder” to my resume. No big deal.

On that note, I am off for another shift at the oh-so stimulating restaurant this evening, before we have to get up bright and early at 3:30am to catch our 6am flight to Hobart, Tasmania in the morning for a short vacation.

Also, with God as my witness, I herby solemnly swear to never make fun of Sidney Crosby’s moustache or facial hair growth again! Put the kid on a stamp, and let’s declare February 28 as a national holiday.

Much love everyone, ~Brent~

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Thursday, February 25, 2010- My Life Of Crime

This will be my second last blog where I am playing catch-up, as I have been for the last two-and-a-half months. I freely admit this has been due to sheer laziness and the fact that I would rather watch Dr. Phil and Oprah. I hereby solemnly swear to myself that I shall make a valiant effort to track my travels/life week to week in Australia rather than trying to remember events months after they happened. On that note, Leeanna and I are going to be taking a 3-day trip down to the island of Tasmania (yes, where the Tasmanian Devil is from) next week and hopefully I feel energetic enough to write a report upon our return.

In the mean time though…

Due to the fact that I make very little money at my job, I must admit I along with my girlfriend (okay, mostly me) have turned to petty crime in an attempt to save money Down Under. First and foremost, we generally never pay for the tram services which travel all over the city and cost between $3 and $4 per ride. Your tickets only get checked if an inspector comes on the tram, in which case you will be fined $160 for not having a valid ticket. In the last few weeks Leeanna and I have started to ride around with blank tickets (inactivated) you can buy from 7-11 convenience stores that you don’t activate until you put them into the machine on the tram. We simply just never activate them and figure that if we get caught we will play dumb with the tram inspectors, as we are just “tourists” and didn’t know any better. For the first couple of months we lived here we would just buy tickets occasionally, and luckily the one day we were checked we had both randomly decided to buy tickets as we were heading north of the city into uncharted territory. Other than that, Leeanna has been checked one time on her own and again luckily she had a ticket (couple months ago). We haven’t purchased a legitimate ticket in weeks though, and I am curious to see what is going to happen to us the first time we get caught. So far I reckon the total savings on tram tickets to be well over $200, and the tally only grows by the day! CRIMINAL!

Another scam I am running on the regular is trying to pocket tips at my place of work. Normally all of our tips are supposed to go into a jar at the front of the restaurant, where it is then divided amongst the employees on a week-to-week basis. I generally get less than $40 per week which is totally ridiculous considering the amount of tips I generate sometimes (especially on weekends). I suspect the owners pocket a lot of the money and give more to their “favourite” employees. I try to grab whatever I can out of my bill folds if no one is looking, although since the holiday season my direct tips have gone way down. Most nights I leave with nothing, although there are still the occasional nights where I can pull down anywhere from $1 to $35. A lot of luck of the draw with customers, etc as tipping is the exception and not the rule here. All-in-all I reckon I’ve been able to pull down an extra few hundred dollars in my time at the restaurant through “tip-pocketing/jamming tips in my pocket when no one is around” which I have no doubt pumped right back into Melbourne’s bar and restaurant economy. Sadly, the other night I also stole some cutlery from the restaurant for personal use at home. I have been trying to steal drinking glasses and plates as well, but so far have been unsuccessful at finding an apt moment to smuggle them into the backroom and into my backpack. Sad and pathetic, yes I know. CRIMINAL!

Probably the activity I am most ashamed/proud of is the one I pulled off the other day. It all started when I had to go buy a new pair of shoes for work as my old pair had become worn out. I trekked over to the Big W (think Wal-Mart) and found a pair I liked for $36. In a brief moment of genius/absurd cheapness I decided that I would switch the price tag on the shoes with that of a pair that were only $16. I figured no one would ever catch on (unless they were watching the security cameras) as I would casually go through the self check-out and be on my way. The one thing I didn’t count on/remember from my time at Home Depot is that the self check-out machines recognize the weight of items, and the shoes I was purchasing were a lot heavier than the ones I had stolen the tag off of. Sure enough, a cashier had to come over when I had an “unexpected item in bagging area” and started to have grandeur visions of spending my night in Australian jail for trying to save $20 on shitty work shoes. After what seemed like an eternity (was probably 5 seconds) the cashier looked in my bag, saw that they were in fact shoes I was buying and promptly fixed it up for me. I breathed a sigh of relief; giggling to myself the whole way out the store thinking about how pathetically low I had just stooped in my quest to save myself $20. CRIMINAL!

My last great scam is not really so much a scam as much it was an observation I had made over time and seeing the opportunity to capitalize on said observation. The last three weeks Leeanna and I have been going to the movies on Tuesday afternoons at the Crown Casino. The last two weeks we bought tickets from the box office on the lower level and noticed that when you go up the escalators to the theatres there was no one checking tickets. Sure enough when we went to the movies again this week (“Shutter Island”, awesome film!), we scoped out the top of the escalators and saw that no one was checking tickets. Therefore we just walked right up casually and tried to figure out which of the eight theatres was showing “Shutter Island” (they don’t have a display outside each entrance telling you what’s playing inside, as it normally tells you on your ticket!). We found it by following what looked like the type and size of crowd that would be watching that film and voila, we were in like sin! I reckon I may try and do this all the time during the weekdays when I go to the movies, as it isn’t possible at night as they employ their ticket-checkers. CRIMINAL!

Anyways, I must be off to go and hit up every 7-11 store in the area (there’s like 15 within a 10 minute walk of my apartment) to load up on Monster Energy drinks. They are having a one day sale, where they are selling them for $1 each (limit of 8 per customer, per store), which is a great deal considering they normally sell for $4.30 per can. I’ve already bought 8 this morning and definitely see some more cans on the horizon this afternoon! I love caffeine! I’m sure Leeanna will be amused when she gets home from work.

On that note, if anyone doesn’t here from for a while, just assume I have been locked up in jail for petty crime and should hopefully see you in twenty-five to life!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010- What’s Scarier Possums At Night Or Paying $17 To Watch A Dan Aykroyd Film?

Let me tell you there’s nothing quite as bizarre as watching a Canada-U.S. hockey game with Australian commentators. Ok, maybe there is, but it involves midgets, latex, and furry handcuffs. In all fairness they did telecast the recent epic hockey game here on free-to-air TV, and only resorted to Aussie commentary during audio difficulties. All I can say about that is that they were much more humorous than Pierre McGuire at times, especially since their ice hockey knowledge is about as extensive as a desert winter. Needless to say, the Olympics have garnered tons of television in Australia and have succeeded in actually making me somewhat miss winter in Canada. Outside of the obvious coverage of the Australian athletes, Canadians seem to receive the second most coverage here, with the descriptions surrounding how much Canadians love ice hockey being of particular amusement to me. The way the commentators describe it here, you would think every Canadian immediately went out in the backyard and shot themselves and their whole family after the loss to the United States. One major point of controversy here was when the host of the coverage made “gay/flamboyant” jokes about American figure skater Johnny Weir. The story ended up being picked up all over the world and led to a comical prime-time interview between the two where they kissed and made up (not literally, but they did discuss interior design!). Aside from all of this, the coverage of the games has been pretty good here, and allowed me to watch and beam proudly for my home nation from afar. GO CANADA!!!

Contrary to popular belief though (held by my girlfriend and family), I do other stuff besides watch sports all day. Some quick blurbs on some other stuff Leeanna and I have done recently…

Sunday, I took Leeanna to the Good Vibrations Music Festival (The Killers, Basement Jaxx, Busta Rhymes, Gossip, Kid Cudi, Naughty By Nature, Gym Class Heroes, Armand Van Helden, DJ Craze, Salt-N-Pepa, and many more) which was in the north end of the city at the Flemington race course. Tickets were priced atrociously at $150 a piece, but I felt it was a win-win when I bought them for the girlfriend for Valentine’s Day, as I also wanted to go and this presented me with a good excuse to shell out and buy the tickets with my hard-earned restaurant cash. Unlike in North America where touring large-scale music festivals are all but dead, all-day outdoor festivals still seem to draw large numbers here across the country. In the end, the weather ended up being perfect and because of the ridiculously long line-ups for alcoholic beverages, I ended up not drinking one drop of booze all day…that is until I came home! During the day, we spent most of our time at the second stage/Roots stage (there were five stages spread out over the park) and got to watch full sets from Kid Cudi, Gym Class Heroes and the legendary Busta Rhymes. They all put on good shows, and the audiences were fantastic. Also, we took in most of Naughty By Nature’s set as we stood in line for hot dogs, but they generally sucked balls. We made it over to the main stage for The Killers headlining set, which was ok, if not spectacular. They seemed to be a bit on the unenergetic side, which was understandable given that the lead singer’s mother had just passed away the week before (causing them to cancel half of their Australian tour). All-in-all though, it was a good time, and I can now say I’ve been to a big Aussie music festival, complete with large numbers of homosexuals and metrosexuals and people just generally dressed in some of the most bizarre fashions ever. Men here seem to be overly comfortable with each other in public and they all have a penchant for wearing slip-on shoes and other footwear that looks like it was purchased from the discount bin at Giant Tiger.

A couple of weeks ago, Leeanna and I also managed to get out of the city for the first time since we had moved here which was a very much welcomed reprieve. We rented a car for the day and drove a couple of hours out to Phillip Island. For those who aren’t in the know, Phillip Island is a world-renowned tourist attraction where hundreds of people sit in amphitheatre style seating every night along a beach and watch a bunch of penguins waddle ashore. Getting to the island proved to be the biggest adventure of all, as I got lost several times along the way (decided to save $10 and not rent a GPS), and turned our 1.5 hour journey there into a 3 hour tour. Believe me though, the false/craptacular directions all of the locals kept giving me did not help one bit. After finally making it to the island in the early afternoon, we had a full day to kill before the penguin parade at 9:00pm. First thing on the busy day’s agenda was to head over to the Nobbies Centre, which was basically a viewing area to see the sea lions lazing just off sure on the rocks. Wait, maybe they were seals. Either way, we were not able to really see much as the animals were not around, so Leeanna and I ended up just going for a stroll through the coastal rocks and eating some overpriced chips and chili sauce. Next on the agenda, we went over to a koala sanctuary where we were able to get pretty close to a bunch of koalas, wallabies and some other wildlife. There was a boardwalk constructed well off the ground that allowed to you get up close to the koalas in their natural habitat aka high up in the eucalyptus trees. As much as I wanted to steal one for a pet (even if they do poo while sleeping), I resisted and ended up just letting them be. Following that, we took a break from the wildlife and headed over to the chocolate factory/store. We got really hungry in a hurry, bought some overpriced local chocolate, and away we went! The last attraction to check off of our list was the Churchill Island Heritage Farm, which was slightly ridiculous. It was basically like a re-creation of a pioneer farm and small community. The farm did provide me with some amusement though, as they had a talking bird (obviously it had an Aussie accent) and a horse with a penis bigger than anything this side of an NBA locker room. We also took a long-ass walk around the island and were generally scared shitless by anything that flied or made a buzzing sound. What can I say; Leeanna and I are one with nature. After grabbing dinner in the town of Cowes (very cool, surfing/tourist town on the northern part of Phillip Island) we made our way over to the Penguin Parade. It was crazy busy and just seemed to be the most ridiculous animal attraction ever! Hundreds, if not thousands of people sit in this sort of concrete amphitheatre seating along the beach front and wait for these little penguins to march inland every night as the sun goes down. The penguins, slowly but surely emerge from the sea and make their way to their homes/sleeping quarters in the hills along the coast. It takes the penguins quite some time to complete this nightly journey as many of them constantly go in and out of the water (fear of birds eating them, as they are very small penguins) before making a mad dash to their hillside retreats. The whole thing seems quite comical, but is definitely something worth checking out if you’re in the Melbourne area. We were able to drive back to the city without getting lost, although it ended up taking me over an hour to find a gas station and then somewhere to park the rental car for the night before I took it back the next morning.

Last week, we also had the chance to take in an overpriced experience that they do all over Australia aptly titled “Movies In The Park” (we ended up seeing the Dan Aykroyd/John Belushi classic, “The Blues Brothers”). It’s a really unique set-up where they show movies in the Botanical Gardens six nights a week during the summer, complete with bats flying overhead by the hundreds and the city skyline in the background. It was pretty cool, as they allow you to bring your own booze and food onto the premesis. It’s rather pricey to get in though, as they charge you $17 per person to sit on the grass and another $7 per person for a beanbag chair (a requirement for comfort reasons). I almost never made it out alive though as halfway during the movie I got up to urinate. Seeing as how the bathrooms were a solid two minute walk away I decided I was just going to pollinate one of the local trees. Well it turns out there was a sizeable creature (guessing possum, maybe a giraffe) lurking nearby that decided to violently hiss at me before it ran within a foot of me and straight up the tree. I almost had a heart attack and definitely sprinkled a little urine onto my clothing (did not mention this to girlfriend afterwards!). Good times all around, even if I am forever scared to pee on a tree again!

Later in the week we went back to the Royal Botanical Gardens during the day to take in the scenery and walks. It was very beautiful and featured some interesting plant and tree life from around the world. They also had a very well laid out war memorial that was both appeasing on the eyes and informative. Luckily this time around no possums made any moves for my junk, so I returned home to my shoebox-in-the-sky unscathed, ready to tackle Melbourne yet again!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Friday, February 12, 2010- I Admit, I’ve Never Been To The Hockey Hall Of Fame

One thing I can say about Melbourne that I don’t get the chance to say about a lot of places I visit is that I’ve actually been able to visit the vast majority of strip clubs in the area (and there is a lot). Wait scratch that! What I meant to say is that I’ve been able to visit most of the tourist destinations without cramming twenty things into one day. I guess this is a luxury that is afforded to you when you live somewhere. I find it funny, because here I’ve visited most of the major sites, while back home in Toronto I haven’t been to a lot of places that most people go when they visit Toronto (ie/ Casa Loma, Hockey Hall Of Fame, The Artist Formerly Known As Prince’s [or is it just Prince?] Toronto Residence, etc, etc). But then again, I guess that is true for a lot of people, as at home you tend to fall into your daily routine rather easily without putting much thought into visiting said places. I know I fall into my routine rather easily, kind of like an overused washer at a Laundromat. Pretty much consists of eat, sleep, work, masturbate, repeat. Eat, sleep, work, masturbate, repeat. Wait, who am I kidding there definitely needs to be another masturbation thrown into my life-laundry cycle. I am an alpha male after all. In conclusion there’s lots of shit to do in Melbourne. Here’s some of it as described by Sir Brent Moreau, of the Bradford Moreau clan.

One of the more unique things Leeanna and I had a chance to do was to take in some of the action at the Australian Open. We were fortunate enough that we were able to scoop some tickets for Rod Laver Arena (the main arena) during the second day of the two week tournament. We got to watch both eventual champions in action (Roger Federer and Serena Williams) and were also both able to successfully take naps in a capacity crowd arena. Let me tell you that there is nothing better on a Tuesday summer afternoon than Roger Federer, catching some shut eye, and overpriced sausage rolls. We also checked out some of the action on the outside courts after the main draw had ended, but seeing as how I was as over-tennised as Gary Busey is over-medicated, this all seemed to blur together. We literally had like sixteen hours of tennis on TV every day. I watched more tennis during the two weeks of the Australian Open then I have and will for the rest of my life. Andre Agassi would be proud. Now if only he would put that wig back on.

Leeanna and I have also the opportunity to take in every type of tourist transportation available. There is a free tram/streetcar that runs around the city centre (where we live) aptly titled the “City Circle Tram”. We use this quite frequently to travel the city and seem to mesh in well with all the Asian tourists and fat under-dressed Americans. There is also a bus called the Tourist Shuttle that takes people around Melbourne for free. One day out of sheer boredom, Leeanna and I decided to ride it for the entire two hour circuit. This was clearly one of the more ridiculous things I’ve done in recent memory, trailing only the time I decided to eat twenty-five caffeine pills because I wanted to see what it would do to me (It almost killed me if you must know, and was a bad decision I made like six years ago. So beat it!). The wife and I were also fortunate enough to see the city on a river cruise, although as far as river cruises go it was far from one of the better ones I’ve been on. Cruising through industrial docklands and past big freight ships just doesn’t seem as impressive as it does on Discovery Channel. All I can say about the Melbourne River Cruise is that thank God I had a two-for-one coupon, because quite frankly I could have cruised the Holland River in Bradford and probably had just as much fun (and seen some three-eyed fish).
Many people often associate Australia with an abundance of wildlife on land and in the water.

Naturally the Aussies make sure that they have lots of zoos and aquariums to capitalize on this and take full advantage of us tourists willing to pay to see things like sharks and wallabies. Seeing as how we live across the street from the Melbourne Aquarium, we eventually visited there, even despite the fact that it cost over $30 to get in. They had a very impressive penguin display and there shark exhibit was one of the better I’ve seen in my travels. We even stuck around to watch the “Sharks After Dark” show. Unfortunately, they couldn’t get the lights in the aquarium to go out, so the show kind of sucked and I imagine the sharks were going to have to wear their nightshades to bed that night. We also visited the Melbourne Zoo which to me was a bit of a letdown. I was expecting it to be like the best zoo ever, but instead it was a fairly standard run-of-the-mill zoo. The biggest problem was the fact that there were so many people there, making many of the exhibits hard to see. Couple this is in with the fact that there were screaming kids everywhere and the monkeys kept giving me the evil eye, well you get the picture.

In the first couple months, we also the chance to do a lot of other stuff that doesn’t really warrant me mentioning too much about, mostly because I am very far behind on my trip updates. Therefore, I shall try to keep this brief. We visited the Melbourne Observation Deck, which is basically just a poor man’s version of the CN Tower. It has since closed down to the public, as it has been sold to a private group and there is a taller lookout point in Melbourne now called the Eureka Skydeck. Why every city has to have a really tall building that tourists go up and look out I will never know. Why I keep shelling out money to go up them is also a mystery. We’ve also had the opportunity to check out some free stuff in the city worth quickly mentioning including St. Paul’s Cathedral, the Immigration Museum (gentleman let us in free as students even though we offered to pay), Luna Park/ St. Kilda Beach (worst amusement park ever) and the AC/DC Exhibit which showcases tons of the band’s memorabilia and recounts the complete history of the band. AC/DC first started gigging in Melbourne way-back when and it is often referred to as their home town. I know most of my friends count them as one of their favourite bands ever, and if you don’t like AC/DC well you should just go listen to Michael Buble you patsy communist!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Wednesday, February 10, 2010- Anyone For Bowling? No. Egg Pizza It Is Then

Captain’s Log (21:00 hours): It is currently so hot my testicles feel like they’ve been glued to my inner thighs. My girlfriend and I sit here, with our twenty dollar fan blowing hot air, watching episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy” that already aired in Canada last year. This is what I left the comforts of my roommate’s house (and by roommates I mean parents!) for, to experience Australia and all of its beautiful glory/heat/stereotypes! Well, that and the fact that I wanted to run away from real life and all that is associated with it.

Turning a complete 180 degrees though, life has been pretty eventful during our first two months in our own habitat. Sure we sleep with a mattress on the floor with my head practically resting against the refrigerator. And I mean yeah, who wouldn’t complain about sleeping in +40°C heat? But if there was anything I could change I can honestly say aside from my hairdresser and small bank account, there isn’t a thing! So what exactly has happened over the last little while to Brent the Former Town Drunk and LeeBee the Drama Queen? Stay tuned to my next three blogs to find out, or if you wish, surf on over to TMZ.com for some much more entertaining celebrity news involving Perez Hilton and K-Fed on Celebrity Fat Club.

As when you settle anywhere for more than a few days, rituals start to become a part of your life, whether you like it or not. One ritual/favourite activity Leeanna and I have developed is our love of bowling. More specifically I guess you could say my love of bowling and Leeanna’s love of nice bowling shoes and a solid air-conditioning system. Over the last little while we have been bowling a bunch of times and I feel as though my game has been steadily improving. In fact last night, I bowled the best game of my Australian career with a gorgeous 164. Slap my ass and sign me up for the PBA!

Another activity I started to enjoy a little too much was poker. It was very easy when I was bored to just walk across the street to the Crown Casino and the southern hemisphere’s largest poker room. After many sessions with varied results, I decided that if I hit $1000 in gambling losses in Australia I would cease to play poker anymore. Well, I hit that plateau and true to my word have not stepped foot in the poker room in a few weeks. It’s been tough, I won’t lie, cause if there’s one thing I love more than ice cream and beer it’s poker…wait scratch that I mean my girlfriend…no wait, it’s pudding. Banana pudding is my one true love. End of discussion. Looking back, poker has been a lot of fun in Australia and even provided me the opportunity to play against a few people who were on TV and introduce my girlfriend to the game for the first time. God bless the Crown Casino!

On the cuisine front, Leeanna and I are both really plain eaters. Translation: we both eat a lot of boring fast food, processed food, and shit I bring home from work. Melbourne is one of these world-renowned cities for its restaurant and cafĂ© scene. On that note, I’m pretty sure the most exotic thing we’ve eaten is pasta and steaks. Sooner or later I’m going to convince Leeanna to purchase kangaroo filets which we stroll past every week in the grocery store. I imagine it to being similar to eating venison, although I have nothing to reference this against and it is probably just wishful thinking more than anything. We do go out to the occasional restaurant not-named McDonald’s or Subway, most notably the Pancake Parlour. It’s this joint that reminds me of Golden Griddle back in the day and serves delicious breakfast food all day and night. Nothing hits the sweet spot like a stack of pancakes and a blueberry float. A few weeks ago, Leeanna and I also had an overwhelming urge for some good old fashioned chicken wings. Apparently wings aren’t that easy to come by in Melbourne. Eventually after some tough internet research (yes, I had to research where you could find chicken wings in a city of four million people), Leeanna and I found a place about a half an hour away. Well they weren’t the greatest wings, and the fact that they only had three flavours was a little suspect, it did hit the spot. More often than not though, we eat pizza that I bring home from work. Nothing helps you pack on the weight like pizza five nights a week. Yummy! On a semi-related note, I have discovered the deliciousness that is egg as a pizza topping. It now ranks only second on my list to pepperoni, or as the Aussies call it, hot salami. Bon appetite!

One great thing about relocating to Australia as opposed to a non-English speaking country is the fact that I can still go to the movies (foreign films were only cool to me when I was in film school). One down side is the fact that many movies come out here a lot later than they do in North America. In fact, last night we just saw this new movie they released here called “Cool Runnings” starring John Candy and a bunch of Jamaicans bobsledding. Word on the street is that this movie came out like fifteen years ago. On a more serious note we’ve seen “Avatar 3D” (8.5/10), “The Lovely Bones” (7/10), and just today watched “Invictus” (8/10). Movies are not a cheap affair here, as most theatres charge $17-$18 for general admission and they all have VIP screens that charge anywhere from $25-$40. Can you say ridiculous? At least they still have Cheap Tuesday, although their discount day costs as much as our full-priced admissions. In related news, since I dragged Leeanna to see “Invictus”, word on the street is that I will have the privilege of taking in the sure to be best movie of all-time next week “Valentine’s Day”. I’m sure that will be one to remember. I mean how bad can a movie starring Ashton Kutcher and Taylor Swift be? Really!?!?!?