So Leeanna and I are now entering our third week of living in our one room apartment and no one is dead yet, although I have on occasion heard her mumbling to herself in her sleep. She keeps saying something about a plastic bag and head and strangulation and my name all in the same sentence. Must be preparing for a magic trick or something; beats me. Anyways, in the last few weeks I have learned quite a bit about myself and my surroundings here in Australia. In actuality I haven’t really learned anything but have “noticed” some things.
1) First and foremost I can’t for the life of me figure out why Burger King is called Hungry Jack’s. It truly is mind-boggling. To my understanding, Burger King is called BURGER KING everywhere in the world, even in New Zealand which you could practically hit with a cricket ball from Australia if you were so inclined. Blows my fuckin’ mind, really does.
2)Which brings me to possibly the worst pastime this side of Crazy Bones and POGS; cricket. Most of the other popular sports in this country I can at least take an acute interest in such as rugby, Aussie Rules, and surfing, but for the life of me I just can’t get into cricket. From what I can tell the matches go on for days at a time and none of the parties involved ever seem too enthralled by the “sport” to which they are partaking in. I mean I wake up in the morning and cricket is on and when I go to bed that night, the same game is still on TV.
3)Because of the large number of tourists here, no one seems to know what side of the sidewalk to walk on. It is generally accepted that in most countries you walk on the right, although here it is opposite, just as the driving is. This seems to be lost on a good percentage of the humanoids around here and I always seem to find myself swerving all over the sidewalk like some kind of drunken monkey.
4)Beer prices here are atrocious. For starters, at the majority of the liquor stores in the city you can’t get most of the beers in anything larger than a 6-pack. Maybe it’s just a North American thing, but isn’t it easier to buy beer in cases of 24 or 30? Generally for an average lower-priced beer it costs about $16 for 6 beers. If they are available in 24s, the cheapest you are generally going to find them for is about $46. True fact: I was at the store tonight and observed that a 6-pack of Corona costs about $25. Shit, for that price they should include a high-class hooker that cuts your lemon wedges in a thong bikini and gets them into the bottle using only her tongue with her hands tied behind her back.
5)In relation to the above fact, I have noticed that I am starting to get fat. I am not sure how this is, as I walk everywhere and generally heal-toe it a few kilometers per day. I am developing what the mean kids in school used to call “bitch tits”. Guess I better stop eating tacos for dinner every other night. Yeah, that and stop drinking. Might adopt a little African orphan while I’m at it.
6)Having travelled to a variety of large cities both in North America and Europe, I have seen my fair share of homeless-people-with-crazy-drug-dependencies-who-need-to-groom-and-smell-like-my-sister’s-feet, but Melbourne takes the cake. The homeless people here seem to be just fucked right of their tree for the most part and often provide Leeanna and I with some humor/fright on our walks later in the evening. My personal favorite was the other night in Hungry Jack’s. The one homeless dude who smelled like a defecated on raccoon had a green toenail that had to be about 3-inches long. On top of this, he could barely stand-up and right after he got his burger went out and took a snooze on the sidewalk.
7)Television has become a large part of my life due to all my free time. As previously mentioned (even though no one reads this), we only get four channels so I have had time to observe the same shows over and over. One weird thing is how all the big morning shows intersperse infomercials with their regular programming. It’s like watching Good Morning America or Canada AM with 50% of the show talking about the Sham-Wow and Snuggies. This can be super-irritating when you’re trying to consume your Coco Puffs and OJ. Also, the number of wildlife shows on TV here is simply staggering. Needless to say, I am very well informed on such things as emus and rare mountain kangaroos. If anyone wants to know what to do when your pet koala has cancer I can direct you to a good vet. Lastly on the tele front, some shows I have rather started to enjoy that I wasn’t into that much before I left home include Californication, Parks and Recreation, The Office, and How I Met Your Mother. The ladder is a really big hit with me and the lady friend.
8)And one final note: I cannot get over how many Asians there are in Melbourne! I don’t mean this in a racist way, just more of a shocked kind of way. The Chinese and Indian communities here are borderline overwhelming. I don’t think there is a non-Chinese student in any of the universities in the city center. In fact, when we went to the movies last night, I was half expecting them to start dubbing it in Mandarin. What, I’m just sayin’! On that note, if there are any big-time fans of Indian or Chinese cuisine, this is a must visit city for you. Or if you’re lazy, you can just take a walk a through my apartment building and get all the smells from Beijing to New Delhi.
Until next time, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And remember, stay classy and don’t drink and drive. Until next time, cheers!
~Brent~
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