Day 54- All The Cool Kids Play Connect Four When They're Drinking

While I cannot speak for Colleen directly, I can only assume that the feeling she was experiencing when she woke up in the morning was amongst the worst feelings of her life as she was sun burnt on just about every piece of skin imaginable on her body, save for her lady parts.  Having said that, knowing her luck the sun's rays probably penetrated her swimsuit and torched her hoo-hah!  Since Colleen was in agonizing pain and afraid to even glimpse the sun, I was left to fend for myself for the day.  My first order of business was to go out and purchase sunscreen followed by a dip in the hotel pool.  As a swam around the largest pool I had ever been in, I reminisced on how as a child at day camp I used to wear my swimming goggles in the pool and check out all ladies under the water thinking I was being super stealth. Clearly, just as is the case now, I had no game back then and studying the female anatomy through my Speedo glasses did not get me anywhere as a youngster.  So take note young men: ogling women both above and below sea level is generally viewed as creepy.

After dinner time (see: no sun in the sky) the lobster girlfriend and I caught the 9pm shuttle in to Hua Hin to check out the night market there.  For some reason unbeknownst to us and our fellow hotel guests, our shuttle driver decided to drive around the city block containing the night markets a good half dozen times before finally stopping and letting us out.  Since none of us could communicate with our Thai driver we just all kept looking at each other as if to say " well at least if he is going to abduct us we will have a few different foreign embassies looking for us".  Although we had only been in Thailand for a week or so, it was becoming quite clear to us that most towns and cities had an abundance of markets and that they sold a helluva lot of fake Dr. Dre Beats headphones!  While the inner white gangster in me contemplated buying a pair, Colleen was busy picking out a new strapless dress as her shoulders were in such a state that she couldn't even wear a shirt with straps.  Thankfully she found a dress to her liking and we settled into a good ole fashioned market dinner consisting of two full size meals and alcoholic drinks for under $10. 


Hua Hin Night Market.





Colleen endorsing counterfeit goods. Criminal!

With Colleen's Asian street market retail therapy complete, we ventured off to the train station to try   and get some info on where we would be going once we left Hua Hin. This turned out to be a complete waste of time as I still did not know a word of Thai and the dude at the station did not look like he gave two fucks about entertaining me in his broken English. 

Since we had nothing else to do the rest of the night, we strolled down to the beach and decided to take a nice, quiet, romantic walk down the dark shores of the Gulf of Thailand while the waves crashed gently against the shore and we strolled hand-in-hand  in the moonlight.  Well, at least that's how I imagine people picturing it.  In fact, most of the walk was spent with Colleen worrying that she was going to step on some crazy sand creature that was going to emerge from the pits of the beach and consume her in one giant swoop.  Upon emerging from the beach relatively unscathed, we surfaced in some shady back alley part of town complete with rabid dogs (I assume all dogs not on leashes to be crazy, rabid motherfuckers) and sewer rats the size of some of the smaller street canines.  Colleen was left wondering if she would rather die at the hands of the sand monster or a pack of Splinter-sized rats.



"LOOK OUT FOR THOSE SAND MONSTERS!!!!"



Thankfully we made it through the gauntlet of scary creatures and found our way to the civilized part of town complete with nightlife.  And by civilized I of course mean bars packed with hookers, tranny hookers, hookers that you could not tell if they were regular hookers and/or tranny hookers, and all the old greasy white men who come to this part of the world for exactly that sort of thing!  We perused the selection of establishments and eventually tucked in to one of the bars where we had a few beverages and played some Connect Four.  No, that is not code for anything, we actually drank cocktails and played Connect Four while we simultaneously played a game of "guess which women are hookers, ladyboys, or straight up gold-diggers"!  While I wanted to invite a couple of he-shes back to our hotel room for a game of naked Twister, Colleen vetoed the idea and we decided to catch a tuk-tuk back to the hotel...just the two of us.



Yeah, that's right I won four straight. Mother would be proud.



Sidenote:  Tuk-tuks are really fucking scary when you are half-lit, your driver is probably half-lit, and you are ripping down the highway at speeds only NASCAR drivers should be doing.



Colleen is not too sure about our choice of late-night transportation.



~Brentski~