With Montreal and Australia in my rear view mirror, the next stop on the Brent Moreau-likes-to-spend-all-his-money-on-travelling-express was to some far off and exotic lands in the Caribbean Sea. Yes, it was time for me to pop my cruise cherry! There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must take that fateful plunge and join the world of cruisers. People have long been trying to sell me on the benefits of taking your vacation on a giant boat but for some reason unbeknownst to me, I have never hit the high seas in style. That was until this past month, when my parents decided to take myself, and my two siblings Natalie and Kiel, along with Nat’s boyfriend Jeff on a cruise. In addition to it being my first cruise (everyone else going had already been on at least one), it was also the first time the whole Moreau clan had taken a vacation together in over ten years if memory serves me correct. Having said that, five Moreaus and one honorary Moreau all in one place can only mean one thing: chaos!
New Year’s Eve, my parents, brother, and I set out from our residence in Bradford with the dubious goal of driving to Florida with little or no stopping. Normally, our family would fly stand-by as my mom and sister both work for Canada’s two major airlines. Since it was the holidays, we had to drive down to the Sunshine State Griswold style. Natalie and Jeff had purchased full price plane tickets for the following day and would meet us at our hotel the next evening, as Jeff had the urgent matter of going to a Canada World Junior hockey game in Buffalo. After packing the four of us into a Dodge Journey and about twice as much luggage as we probably needed, we set out around lunch time and were lucky to get good weather for the entire first day. We ended up taking the I-75, which required us to cross the border at Windsor-Detroit and then drive on through the great states of Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia and then finally into Florida. We all took turns driving, and I can officially say I had my tamest New Year’s celebration ever (but memorable), driving through Tennessee probably listening to some hillbilly radio station! We ended running into some crazy rainstorms during the middle of the night, which prompted my mother to stay awake all night and attempt to give my brother and I driving instructions as if she was being paid a dollar for every pointer she gave us. Not surprisingly, cause let’s face it men are awesome drivers, the Moreau brothers powered through the storms and next thing we knew it was the early hours of the morning and we were just outside of Atlanta looking to fuel up. Well that was the plan at least; until I saw a few shady looking dudes start to make their way towards our vehicle as soon as I pulled into the gas station. Being the fearful white man that I am, I ended up hightailing it out of there and pulling off at the next exit, which fortunately just featured a couple of drunk sluts who looked like they were out of a Ludacris music video and gangsters in the gas station who clearly had a bit too much to drink on that night, which is how it should be on New Year’s Eve.
To ring in the first morning of 2011, we stopped at an IHOP for breakfast like the true American patriots we are. After filling our faces with some good ole American grub, we set about covering the last six or so hours from the north of Florida down to Fort Lauderdale where our ship would be departing the following day. On the drive down, I felt like a little kid as I stared out the window spotting all the gators resting on the banks of rivers just off the highway. I figure that I probably spotted at least fifty, and every time I would excitedly try and point them out to my father, he would look out the window and inform me that he could not see them. This went on for a good hour, and after a while I just gave up and concluded that without his Dollarama glasses he truly was in full on Ray Charles mode. Having gotten my gator fix, the four of us finally arrived in Fort Lauderdale in the late afternoon and quickly realized we had no idea how to get to our hotel. After driving around for a bit, my dad pulled over and asked at a gas station where the Westin was. After getting directions that led us right along Fort Lauderdale’s main drag during the height of tourist season and an excruciatingly slow drive, we pulled into a Westin hotel; only problem was we were booked into the Westin hotel on the other side of the city! After almost two extra hours on top of our already grueling 27 hour commute, we finally made it to our hotel for the night and got settled in. My Dad and Kiel quickly went on a booze and food run, and the four of us settled in with some drinks and a “Dog The Bounty Hunter Marathon” on A&E. Natalie and Jeff eventually arrived from the airport around midnight or so, and the six of us all snuggled into the one hotel room for the night in anticipation of our big cruise the next afternoon. Sidenote: In all honesty, I don’t remember much after Natalie and Jeff arrived because I decided to take a prescription strength sleeping pill (had been having a lot of trouble sleeping) and I apparently went for a walk to the lobby to look for a vending machine and fell out of my bed amongst other things. In conclusion, it must’ve been one hell of a sleeping pill, or the Americans are catching up to us Canadians and making their beer stronger. Chances are it was a little of Column A and a little of Column B.
Sunday morning I awoke from my drug induced slumber and was ready to conquer all that Holland America Cruise Lines could throw at me! Our first order of business though was to again hit up one of America’s fine breakfast institutions. This time though it was Denny’s that would be getting our attention. More importantly than Denny’s though, we had to go to the liquor store and load up on alcohol to take on to the boat. Now for those not in the know, the general rule on cruise ships is that all of your food is included in your price, but you generally have to pay for all of your alcohol and soft drinks. Now this was naturally a major concern for us, so we contacted Holland America to see what their policy was on brining your own alcohol onto the ship. We discovered that we were allowed to carry on as much wine and champagne as we wanted, but that you could not bring on liquor or beer. So, being the wise guys that we are, we decided we were going to risk it and just try hiding tons of beer and liquor in our luggage. When it was all said and done, I believe we had nine or ten three-litre boxes of wine to carry on, about 60 cans of beer in hiding, ten fireball shooters, and last but certainly not least, five or six sixty ounce bottles of rum, whiskey, and vodka. Oh, and did I mention we only we were going to be on the ship for six nights?! Sick, I know. The only other majorly important purchase we made was our large thermoses, which we would use to house or illicit alcohol on the ship and carry around with us everywhere we went. Let me tell you, if those girls in high school who have to look after pretend babies took care of those things the way we held onto these thermoses, well let’s just say there would be a hell of a lot of better mothers out there. Back at the hotel, we distributed all of the booze throughout our luggage and then made our way over to the cruise terminal, which was an adventure in itself. Six people in a crossover-SUV with about five hundred pounds of luggage is a sight for sore eyes. I’m pretty sure we just buried Natalie in the trunk under some suitcases an hoped she wouldn’t die during the fifteen minute drive over. Thankfully, she was still alive when we got there and we all managed to get on the ship hassle free. Having never been on a cruise ship before, my first impression after walking on was, holy shit this is ballin’! I had a feeling it would be nice (it was a five-star ship), but hot damn I was pretty sure I was in love. Kiel and I checked into our room, which was larger than we thought it would be. Natalie and Jeff’s room was right next door to us, and my parents had a room one floor up, as they were staying in a balcony room while the rest of us just had a window room with an awesome view of the lifeboats! After exploring the ship for a bit and making some rounds, we were all convinced we would be in for a fun time. We got some good news a short time after when all of our luggage arrived at our rooms with ALL of our booze still inside. Success! One of the most amazing perks had to be the fact that the ship also had free, unlimited 24-hour room service. Naturally, we ended up abusing this quite a bit over the week and were threatened to be cut off as we kept ordering food when we were drunk and passing out before it arrived. After checking out the ship’s amenities (pretty standard cruise ship stuff), Nat, Jeff, Kiel, and I met up with my parents at the Rembrandt dining room for dinner. Kiel was already pretty drunk by this point, but hey that’s the thing to do when you’re 21. As mentioned, I had never been on a cruise before so the food came as quite the surprise to me. We were able to eat amazing dishes featuring things like salmon, duck, lobster, and tons of other shit you just don’t see at anything but the nicest of restaurants and at the highest of prices. It was really nice to all sit down for a fantastic dinner, but I knew Kiel had two things on his mind, to get drunk and hit up the casino. After bidding the parental unit good night, the four of us headed back to our rooms to start getting our drink on. Nat, Jeff, and I went and checked out some song and dance show on the main stage while Kiel bee-lined it straight for the casino tables. Shortly after the show, the three of us made our way down to the casino, where Kiel was already locked in at the roulette table, and the two of us would become a mainstay fixture over the next week. With our thermoses firmly in hand, we nestled in at the roulette table with a small amount of cash and quickly started socializing thanks to the help of our friends at the liquor companies. Fortunately, I started shadowing “Donna the Soccer Mom’s” bets and was up a bit of cash. By this point, Kiel was already well on his way to trying to wheel some English bird who was probably twice his age and was there playing with her mother who looked to be about ninety-five on a good day. Guess you can’t fault the kid in the effort category. Also by this point, another younger lady in the form of a hot Floridian by the name of Jennifer had somehow started giving me betting tips. Okay, maybe she felt slightly forced to after my brother introduced himself by grabbing her ass numerous times. All in all, I’m pretty sure we all ended on the plus side for the night (ass grabs not included in the final tally), which was a great start to the trip. After packing it in at the tables, Kiel, Donna, Jenn, and I headed over to the nightclub, Northern Lights, and proceeded to close it down although by that time it was already pretty late. Suffice to say, I would be feeling it the next morning when we pulled into port in the Bahamas, but sometimes you just gotta keep on rolling!
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