As I write this I can officially say that I am in my last month of living in beautiful Melbourne, Australia with my final rent payment being submitted yesterday. No, I will not be going home to enjoy the lovely summer weather in Toronto, but instead shall hit the road for a while with the girlfriend before settling somewhere else (namely somewhere warmer!) in the country until such time as our visas run out in November. We are leaving Melbourne for a couple of reasons, not the least of which is that this is one of the coldest part of the country in the winter, and well we are fast approaching winter! In addition to that, I have become very restless in the city and have pretty much seen and done everything I want to do around this joint. On that note, I did manage to get up to some shenanigans in the last three weeks….
At work, I was constantly being badgered to go the casino and play poker with some of my coworkers. I would inevitably always be putting this off as I suck at poker and life in general. Well a couple of Sundays ago, I finally took the plunge and along with my coworkers Antone, Cam, and Leah, decided that there would be no better time for some bonding than after work on a Sunday night. Before heading over to the casino, Antone and I stopped by my place as I had to grab my money and inform my girlfriend of my Sunday night plans. As expected, this did not go over that well as she had to work in the morning. I was told not to come home until after she had arisen at 7:30am the next morning. Well, guess it’s going to be a long night at the casino! Long story short, we headed across the street to the Crown Casino to play some poker and I decided that heavy drinking was also in order, seeing as how it was Sunday night/Monday morning. The four of us had good fun at the poker tables and lounging before Antone and Leah (both on the losing end of poker, like I) decided at 4:30am that sleep was in order. After seeing them out to the taxi cab, Cam and I decided to head back in to play some roulette. Unfortunately the not-so-nice doorman informed us that we were too drunk to enter the premises. He told us that if we went up to the 24-hour food court and had some McDonald’s he would let us in. So we did just that! And man was it delicious. Upon trying to reenter the casino, another, different, security guard again stopped us, this time telling me that he had just kicked me out of the casino not even five minutes earlier. I explained to him that this was not possible as I was at McDonald’s because his coworker MADE me go there to sober up (don’t wear a backwards hat, it has too much thug appeal). Anyways, they eventually let Cam and I back in, and he proceeded to win money ($500 for the night) while I lost a bit more at the roulette table. We finally sauntered out around 6am, and since I was informed earlier in the evening not to enter the apartment and awake sleeping beauty, I slept in the hallway outside of our apartment until I heard Leeanna’s alarm clock go off. Guess that’s my punishment for being a jackass; well that and having to work the next day which was far from an ideal situation!
On a much tamer note, for the last month or so, the Melbourne International Comedy Festival has been going on at various venues around the city. And if there’s one thing I love more than a Lady Gaga camel-toe, it’s stand-up comedy. The festival is one of the two or three biggest in the world, much like Just For Laughs in Montreal, only much bigger. Leeanna and I had the pleasure of taking in three shows (all fairly big Australian comedians), all of which were quite good. We saw Tom Gleeson’s Get It Into Ya! (8/10) at the Vic Hotel which was a small venue, but was an excellent show from a very seasoned comedian. Also, we saw Josh Thomas’ Surprise! (7/10) at the Comedy Theatre. He is one of Australia’s hottest young comedians, although I thought his act was a bit dodgy and not funny at times. His biggest problem to me seemed to be that all of his jokes were about the exact same thing, being gay! Lastly, we saw one of Australia’s more popular TV personalities, Dave Hughes’ Retro at the Palais Theatre in St. Kilda (9/10). He definitely brought his A-game, and had the crowd of over 3000 people busting-a-nut laughing. There was also a large number on international comedians here, although I didn’t get a chance to catch any of them, including Pauly Shore (had to work), Arj Barker aka Dave from “Flight of the Conchords” (sold out the night I tried to get tickets), and Tom Green doing his first ever stand-up tour. Ah well, there’s always next time, although by the next time I make it back to this festival I will probably be wearing adult diapers while being driven around in a Gray Line coach tour bus with my roommates, or as I like to call them Tom, Bruce, and Gerry from Scenic Acres Retirement Home. I can’t even begin to imagine what Pauly Shore will look like by then!
This Sunday that just passed was a scary reminder of what happens when I get let off my leash by my girlfriend, which I do not advise her to do too often. Sunday night I decided to again go out with some of my coworkers, although this time it was not meant to be a gambling expedition, strictly a drinking expedition. I was again informed by the boss woman to not disturb her during her sleep as she had to work in the morning, which is fair enough, as I guess some people still do work normal hours. Anyways, after determining that my best case scenario was going to be sleeping on someone’s couch and my worst case would be sleeping in the streets of Melbourne, I headed over to Leah’s house north of the city to get drankin’ with the casino crew plus a few more including Nick, Claudia, and Max from work. After some pre-drinks, we headed over to some Latin bar where I started to consume alcohol as fast as I could. Next up, we ventured into unknown territory for me….a gay club! Seeing as how it was the only thing open in the area on Sunday night, we were left with very few choices. Before I even entered the club, the bouncer said to me (clearly not looking flamboyant enough in my NFL hoodie and Avirex jeans), “you know this is a gay club”, to which I replied, “you’re open though, right”? Needless to say, the first thing the seven of us saw when we walked in was a bartender with a handlebar moustache, no shirt on, and leather poor-boy cap. Fuck me! Shortly thereafter in my wisdom, I decided to go to the bathroom on my own. This led to a man grabbing my balls as I walked past him down a narrow hall and him letting out a gay flirtatious laugh. I’m pretty sure I was too stunned to do anything. For some strange reason, I then decided to take a piss in the trough –style urinal, although I made sure my back was quite turned so that no man would see my miniscule penis and attempt to lunge after it in gay lust (I do this in all public bathrooms who am I kidding?). Shortly after my bathroom incident, I purchased seven pints of beer at one time and abruptly thereafter blacked out for the remainder of the evening. Apparently we took a taxi into the city (we were a fair ways out) and went to the casino (no fear I was broke at this point), before returning to Cam’s house where I awoke on the couch with no fucking clue how I got there. In short, I had the worse hang over of my life on Monday night at work and shall for the remainder of my days on earth promote responsible drinking. Whatever, at least the first part of the last sentence was true.
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