Confessions of a Non-Outdoorsman (Part 1 of 2)

As all my dear friends know, from the minute I was brought into this lovely world (complete with my rat-tail and purple track pants) I have long been a practitioner of all things relating to the outdoors.  Whether it be camping, hunting, or hosting mud wrestling matches with grizzly bears and aging strippers in my backyard, I have always been one with NATURE.  Well at least that is what I would tell the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad if we all happened to be trapped together in some remote location.

The fact is from the time I was birthed I have been afraid of everything outside of the comfortable confines of a brick and mortar house (and many things inside those walls).  From a very young age, my mother actually thought I was going to grow up to have some serious mental issues (seriously!).  She could not take me out of the house without me screaming and crying as every little critter scared me.  Mosquito. Brent cried. Ant. Brent Cried. Grasshopper. Brent Cried. Bee or wasp. Brent went into hysterics and probably had to be heavily sedated with whatever drugs happened to be nearby. Brent sees a black child. Proclaims to his mother that he must have drank too much chocolate milk. Add to this the fact that the sound of a truck on the road behind our house would send me into a fit/hysterics, well let me just say that my mother and father would have every reason to think that they were going to have to admit me to some kind of home for kids who are pansies.

This fear of all things NATURE is something that still plagues me to this day.  My favourite story is one that takes place a few years after my initial introduction to insects and black people, and is a tale my father still loves telling to this day.

So the story goes, one day after dropping me off at pre-school, my dad, not normally one to notice the acute things in life, noticed that all the other kids were chasing me around the playground and I was hustling as if my life depended on it.  Turns out, they were chasing me with a worm, which in turn caused me to cry like the little Sally I am.  Now, just imagine, seeing your son being hightailed by a gang of 4 and 5 year old hooligans holding a worm on a stick and your offspring running and balling his eyes out as if he were being chased by a pack of rabid hyenas.  Well, I guess my old man found it as funny as the kids, cause he left me there to presumably die a slow and agonizing death at the hands of that slimy 4-inch invertebrate.

Somehow, I managed to survive that dreadful morning some twenty-something years ago, although I must confess I have never overcome my fear and hatred of all things pertaining to NATURE.  As I became a bit older (and no more wiser), I discovered more things that I am afraid of.  When my sister and I would go on frog and toad hunting expeditions, I would make her do all the "hunting" as I was petrified that the little toads were somehow going to cause me bodily harm if I came within three feet of them.  When I would go fishing at my grandparents' cottage, I would never do anything aside from hold the rod in the water.  Put a worm on the hook? Forget about it! And what about if I actually caught a fish?  Well thank god someone else was there, cause there was no fucking way that me and my sweet-ass mushroom cut hair-do were going anywhere near that half-pound sunfish!  And how about swimming in any kind of water that is not a chlorinated pool?  Forget about it!  Maybe you like getting your toes bitten off my guppies and tadpoles, but I happen to like my metatarsal bones to be intact, thank you very much!

There you have it, I am afraid of NATURE.  I admit it, and must say it feels good to get that off my chest.  Last year, I tried to reverse this trend by taking part in the "sport" known as fishing.  I figured since I had moved to the NWT, which is one of the greatest places on earth to fish I should try and reconnect with NATURE.  To say it was a fail would be a massive understatement.  But more on that tomorrow.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes I am still petrified of bees, wasps, hornets, and anything that flies really and am still actively trying to figuring out life's other great mystery; How come I'm still so pale after drinking thousands of litres of chocolate milk?

New Year, New Blog Format, Same Boy-Man

Well, I made it! And by made it I mean I have officially survived a year living in Inuvik, Northwest Territories. Some men gauge their level of success on how much money they make, graduating from elite schools, or solving world problems like hunger and cancer. Unfortunately, I am not one of these overachievers and have thus resigned the high point of my life to this: I can now list on my future resumes that I worked for over twelve months as an "Arctic restaurant server". I'm not sure this will get me very far career wise, but then again I'm not sure I could really digress any further from my current situation. As I write this, I cannot see more than a few feet out my window and The Weather Network informs me that it is currently -34°C outside with wind gusts of 83 kilometres an hour. Oh, and I did I mention that it is dark out in the middle of the afternoon? Yes, it is safe to say that living this close to Santa Claus' headquarters is not for everyone.

Having said all that, I must say that the last year is one I will remember for a lot of good reasons.  First and foremost, moving to the Northwest Territories led me to my current "romantic" situation, with my girlfriend of over half a year, Colleen. Without getting too sappy, I will just say that we both worked together at the restaurant I am employed by, although she now currently works at the bank in town. We get along quite swimmingly (kind of scary, actually) and my life is the least dramatic it has been since I started sprouting pubic hairs. Some people might call this boring, well I prefer to think of myself as an aging veteran who has rounded the corner on his sometimes over-the-top past. Gone are the days of constant public urination, blacking out in public for half the night (prefer to do it at home now) and not knowing why I'm sleeping on my parents' front steps in a t-shirt in the middle of winter. Yes, I am a reformed citizen of the socialist nation of Canada. Well, for the most part at least. I still have my moments, as anyone who has seen some of my girlfriend's scrupulous pictures of me can attest to.

One of my other goals when I first moved here a year ago was to attempt to save some semi-serious coin for the first time in my life. Well I have had success in the past saving in short spurts, this was usually to fund trips to places like Europe, China and Australia, where my capital quickly evaporated living life in the fast (and sometimes sloppy!) lane. Upon my arrival here last January, I was debt-free and ready to save. I did find that I was good at saving, but I also found that I was still pretty good at partying. I also took a month off in April, where I went back home for my friends' wedding (amongst other things), which cost me about $6000. Factor into this the fact that I was not working for a month, and well ya, you kind of get the picture. Having said all that, it was a great trip and it's always fun to catch up with old friends. This was quickly followed by some more saving through the summer months upon my return. At the end of the summer, my girlfriend and I decided to take another trip down south, which saw us visit a slew of exotic locales in the Yukon, British Columbia, and Ontario. The month off work cost me around the same amount as my previous excursion, but again it was fantastic, with memories I will cherish forever.

Since Colleen and I returned from our last trip in mid-September, I started to focus on saving money much more than I did before. I put aside a set amount each week into my savings account, which I have so far not touched. While I do not live frugally by any means (very hard to do up here with the high cost of things), I have definitely cut down on my "public drinking/fraternizing" if you will, and allow myself a beer/alcohol allowance each week (still more than I spend on groceries!). With all that in mind, I feel I have done a fairly good job of saving money the last few months, and am eagerly optimistic that I can keep the good vibes rolling!

On that note, I will say that I will be blogging a lot more regularly this year, although my posts will be significantly shorter than they have been in the past. I have discovered that at this point in time I do not have the discipline to write lengthy entries, and will therefore instead focus my energy on writing shorter pieces on a more frequent basis as opposed to posting a long, rambling blog after every other lunar eclipse!

All the best to everyone in 2012 and remember to stay classy.

~Brent~