Day 94- My Girlfriend Sleeps In A Bug Net In Hotel Rooms. I Say No More.

Now that Colleen had gotten her diving fix, we were safe to leave Koh Tao.  Actually, I would stay there forever but alas, we had to travel onwards.  We were catching a ferry to one of the neighboring islands, Koh Samui, as we had booked a flight from there to Hong Kong the following afternoon.  In true Thai fashion, one of the two ferries that operates between Koh Tao and Koh Samui was out of commission for the day, so there was only a 3pm ferry.  Due to the sweltering heat and our extreme whiteness, Colleen and I passed the time before our boat ride by bouncing between various restaurants in an attempt to stay out of the sun and consume as many refreshing drinks as possible.  There would be many things I was going to miss about Thailand (cheap beer, great weather, etc.), but riding on their ferries was not one of these things!

With the final ferry ride of our vacation behind us, we headed to our hotel for our last night in Thailand.  We were staying at what appeared to be a beautiful beachside hotel, the Impiana Chaweng.  The lobby, pool, and beachside dining all looked spectacular, but unfortunately for us when we went to check-in we were told our room was not yet ready as it was "under repair".  I can only imagine.  For our troubles we were given a four course Thai meal that consisted of lots of nasty shit like fish soup, random shellfish and other stuff that had probably just washed up on shore that week.  Even the ice cream they gave us for dessert sucked!  After dinner we were given the keys to our "repaired" room, although it was a safe assumption that they had spent the entire renovation budget on making the lobby nice.  The room was dated, dirty, and had a solid collection of Colleen's favorite...flying insects!

Seeing as how it was our last night in Thailand for the foreseeable future, we decided to catch the 10pm shuttle bus into Chaweng Beach, the main shopping and nightlife area on the island.  Since our complimentary dinner earlier was not to our liking, we had a second dinner consisting of some good old-fashioned Thai pizza!  Since we were leaving tomorrow we did our best to rid ourselves of some of our Thai currency by purchasing useless souvenirs.  Colleen then retreated to the salon for one last budget manicure.  While she entertained herself by getting her nails done, I decided to just go for a walk around the area by myself.  I quickly discovered that as a white male this was a terrible idea, as I was constantly being harassed by ladyboy hookers, Russian hookers, and regular female Thai hookers!  If you love paying for sex, then Chaweng Beach is the place for you people!  Eventually I just gave up on my exploration and went back to the salon where Colleen was and waited outside.  As she was finishing up the power went out in the entire area.  Just a random observation, but if you ever have the opportunity to be in a bar/club district while the power goes out, take it!  It was really surreal to see.  Kind of eerie actually.

Once power was restored and Colleen was prettied up, we headed across the street to some little bar called Legends.  I figure with a name like that you can't go wrong.  My final cheap beers in Thailand tasted just as good as the first ones, and I am sure I will be back; one day. 

Back at the hotel, Colleen was still petrified about the fact that there were a few bugs in our room earlier (pretty sure they were all dead now) and she thus decided to sleep in a bug net.  Yes, my girlfriend sleeps in a bug net in hotel rooms.  Paranoid? Just a little.  But hey, we've all got our quirks!

Colleen protecting herself from the non-existent critters in our room inside her bug net!



Tomorrow we were venturing on to the last leg of our trip, two nights in Hong Kong, before flying back to Canada.

~Brentski~

Day 93- I Need To Work On My Disguise Skills.

With Colleen out on her final diving expedition, I was left yet again on my own to try and entertain myself.  Shockingly, I actually managed to get up before 9:30am, which for me with no real commitments is a minor miracle.  After attacking the breakfast buffet solo, I decided the punishing walk I had subjected myself to the previous day was not torturous enough and I thus ventured out on another solo hike.  This time I opted to head north instead of south and made my way up to the Nang Yuan lookout.  All-in-all it was an  hour and a half round trip, and like my previous trip it was full of perspiration and panting galore.  It was a solid reminder of why all the smart people were driving mopeds, and only IDIOTS(!) like myself would dare to walk such hilly routes in these extreme temperatures. 

Around lunch time I headed up to the Roctopus headquarters to round up my amphibious girlfriend.  This turned in to me sitting around for over an hour waiting for her as their dive boat was having technical difficulties.  When she finally did show up, we celebrated the fact that she had not drowned by having one last lunch at the adjoining restaurant, Mint Kitchen.  While I'm sure Colleen was going to miss the diving when we departed Koh Tao the next day, I was going to miss the deep fried chicken with cashew nut that they served there.  I'm not a huge Thai food fan, but this shit was Deadly.  And yes, that is deadly with a capital "D". 



The end of diving...and underwater selfies.



 

That afternoon we met up with Colleen's friend Ashley from Kamloops and her boyfriend Joel.  Since Colleen and I are both gluttons we decided to go out for a second lunch with them complimented by some adult beverages.  By this point in the day I was already starting to reach my "outdoor quota" and after our second lunch we retreated back to the hotel to enjoy the splendors of air conditioning before our final night on this beautiful island.

Once we gathered ourselves and decided we had abused our air conditioning enough, Colleen and I sauntered down to Chopper's for the last time.  It was a safe assumption that it was going to win the award on our vacation for the "most visited bar".  It would probably win in a landslide come to think of it.  After meeting up with our old buddy Prat, and Ashley and Joel, it was time to take advantage of the two-for-one beers and two-for-one daiquiris.  My father always told me that half price beers taste twice as good; and I can't say I can argue with him on this point.  Shortly thereafter we said our teary goodbyes to Prat and headed out into the night with Ashley and Joel.

Before we checked out the nightlife, I got Ashley to take us by their accommodations to show Colleen the kind of places I had thought we would be staying when we first landed in Bangkok a couple of months ago.  For 300 baht a night ($10 Canadian) they had a private room.  Mind you, they had a shared bathroom, no A/C, a mattress on the floor, no TV and probably an assortment of creepy crawlers; but hey it was 1/10th the price of what we were paying!  Needless to say the words "budget accommodations" are not a part of Colleen's vocabulary. 

After our sightseeing of how "real backpackers" travel, the four of us decided to do a tour of some of the local beach bars.  A couple of the places were offering promotions like "ladies night" and "one free drink".  Wisely, Colleen and Ashley were able to exploit one of the bars' "one free drink ticket per customer" policy by reentering the bar a second time with disguises on.  And by disguises I mean they slightly altered their hairstyles.  But hey, whatever works.  Not surprisingly, this same strategy did not bode so well for Joel and I, and alas the men were made to pay for their drinks.

 On our way back to our hotel we stopped and had what would probably be our last "street pancakes" of our vacation and some pad Thai.  On an unrelated note: we also saw a dude almost get run over by a moped.  While we were walking home, a heavily intoxicated guy on a scooter hit the guy walking in front of us on the footpath and proceeded to just keep driving.  I'm not sure what the drinking and driving mopeds on pedestrian walkways law is, but I'm sure it can't be legal!

~Brentski~

Day 89- Back To Koh Tao For The Ladyboy Cabaret. Oh, And To Do Some Diving Eventually.

 

Mercifully our overnight bus ride from hell came to an end around 3am as we were unceremoniously dropped off in some random parking lot in the town of Chumphon.  The one major problem was that we were a good 15 kilometers from where we were told we would be dropped off at the ferry terminal.  The American guy from the bus (the guy banging back Valiums) kept arguing with the bus driver and telling him that we were supposed to be get dropped off at the pier, but alas his argument fell on deaf ears.  Rather conveniently there were a couple of cabs waiting for us in the parking lot, which seemed just a tad bit suspicious seeing as how it was 3am in the morning.  I'm sure the bus driver had a little deal with the cabbies going, but hey who the hell am I to judge some scam artists trying to make a buck.  Eventually we bartered a group rate with one of the cabbies who drove us in the back of his pickup truck down to the pier for 50 baht (under $2 each). 

As if our travel day had not been long enough, we still had over three hours to kill before the ferry would be departing to Koh Tao.  While we did our best to sleep at the decrepit ferry terminal, it was really difficult as there were backpackers/travelers laying everywhere and cockroaches running around like they were thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby.  Alas, I passed the hours talking to Captain America about his time as a fisherman in Alaska.  With the amount of pills he had popped that night though there was a good chance he didn't remember a word he said to me and I wasn't even sure how the hell he was still conscious.

Boarding the ferry was a great feeling as it was the home stretch before we made it back to Koh Tao.  Our reason for returning was that Colleen really, really, really wanted to do some more diving before we left and she had a minor love affair with the island.  Better an island than another man I suppose.  Colleen had also gotten wind that one of her friends from Kamloops, Ashley, would probably be on the island at the same time as us.  Well low and behold, who did she run into on the ferry?  Hint: it wasn't Bilbo Baggins.  I was also happy to see that our heavily medicated bus mates' valium had finally caught up with him and he was now unconscious in front of the bathroom door.  While I found it entertaining, I am not too sure the people who had to use the shitter found it quite as enjoyable. 

Knowing what to expect this time around as we disembarked from our three hour boat ride, the sight of hundreds of cabbies trying to coddle you into their vehicles at the pier was not as overwhelming as before. Unlike on our last visit, this time we were able to find our resort's shuttle driver who dropped us off at our new home for the next few days, Simple Life Resort.  Since we couldn't check in yet, we headed out for some lunch before making our way over to Roctopus Dive to get Colleen registered for some scuba dives.  As mentioned, I could not dive due to my ear problem that I had encountered, although I'm sure everyone there just probably thought I was too chicken shit (see: a little bitch!). 



Colleen's lovin' the digs!





I got my own urinal.  Guess I can check that off my bucket list.



With the diving reservations all sorted, we headed back to the hotel to check out our new digs.  Unfortunately we didn't beat the pouring rain and by the time we made it to the hotel we were wetter than....(insert your own joke here).  On a positive note, we had paid a little more than we were used to in Thailand for a room, but boy was it worth it.  We had a huge room, an even bigger bathroom, and my favorite part, I had my own urinal!  That's when you know you have arrived in life: you have your own urinal.  Apparently the God of the Bathrooms felt it necessary for me to put the urinal to good use that afternoon after my multiple attempts at napping were rudely interrupted by my frequent urinations.  I could have sworn I had a bladder infection, but I'm told such things are extremely rare in men. 

To make up for spending our Valentine's Day in the back of a minivan the night before, Colleen and I went out to celebrate a day late.  We hit up a lovely little joint called Portobello, and it was definitely the cheapest Valentine's dinner I had ever had.  To eat at a "semi-fancy" restaurant with adult drinks included, our bill still only came to $25!  And that is why we love you Thailand.  After dinner we headed over to the slightly less romantic confines of Chopper's Bar and Grill.  There we met up with our old buddy Prat for a bit, before he buggered off (some people have to work in the morning) and left Colleen and I on our own.  Being the ever persuasive she-devil woman that she is, Colleen convinced me that we should head over to check out the ladyboy cabaret.  I figured it couldn't hurt (as long as I didn't get left alone) and the next thing I knew we were sitting on the front row of a cabaret show with a bunch of dudes dressed in women's clothes.  As I have mentioned in previous posts, some of the ladyboys in Thailand are actually not that bad looking (all things considered) and it is pretty easy to see how many a drunk tourists "accidentally" end up taking home someone with a surprise package in their pants.  Having said that, many of them are just straight up ugly, and have about as good chance of being identified as a woman as Chyna from WWE.  We stuck it out at the cabaret show for a while, and lasted right to the end of the show when they all popped their shirts off as part of the grand finale.  This was extra fascinating as some of them had actual breast augmentation while others just simply strutted around in padded bras and were as flat as a six-year old boy when the tops came off.  All of them appeared to "tape" their junk (use your imagination)...that is unless they  had some heavy duty surgery.  I wasn't about to ask.  

Ladies...or men...lookin' good!

Hubba hubba.

Sweet dance moves.

Not sure who is photobombing who here.

Colleen and I with one of the surgically enhanced "ladies".

Colleen making new friends.

On our way back to the hotel from the show, we encountered a group of young drunk males, and low and behold one of them was trying to pick up a ladyboy.  At first the guy didn't realize what he was doing, and then all of a sudden he yelled, "those are dudes!!!".  Classic.   By this point I myself was pretty intoxicated and felt a visit to the Youtube sensation known as the "Pancake Man" was in order.  Yes, even Thailand now has their own online stars.  My drunkenness also led to me failing in the bushes outside our room as I attempted to go all stealth on some creature that was presumably hiding there and waiting to kill us.  Whatever it was, it survived, and provided Colleen with a good laugh at my expense.

The "Pancake Man" in action.



~Brentski~

Day 75- And You Thought The Sleeping Conditions In Day Care Sucked...

Now that Colleen and I were officially advanced divers (unofficially I was still a pathetic excuse for a man when it came to diving), it was time for us to leave Koh Tao and travel onwards to everybody's favorite Asian city-state, Singapore.  We actually had to leave Koh Tao though because our 30 day Thai visas were up, and quite frankly Southeastern Asian jails scare the living shit out of me.  Colleen was quite sad to be leaving, as the island was most definitely her choice for best locale we had visited since leaving Canada five weeks earlier. 

In the name of cheapness and trying to save a few bucks, we I had booked the "night" boat out that evening.  With that in mind, we had a full day to kill.  I can think of no better way to start off what was sure  to be a long and agonizing day in the scorching heat than to have your power not working which in turn forced me to have the coldest shower of my fucking life.  Needless to say, my now inverted penis was not happy about this situation. Colleen and I ended up spending the better part of the day bouncing between various restaurants and internet cafes as we attempted to seek refuge from the crippling heat.  Factor in that both of us had feet that were heavily bandaged and blistered from a combination of scuba diving, cheap sandals, and a moped accident and you my friend have a couple who were cranky to say the least.  Rather pathetically the highlight of my afternoon was watching a cat catch and subsequently kill the same mouse numerous times while I drank a smoothie and pondered why my balls felt like they were crazy-glued to my inner thighs.  As the sun began to set we made our way over to Chopper's to watch some other newbie divers' videos and say goodbye to some of the fast friends we had made.  I could tell Colleen really wanted to stay, and she was already talking about coming back in a couple of weeks after our trip to Singapore, but alas it was time to move on. 

As the evening continued to creep up on us, it was time for us to gear up for the "night boat" trip.  We had heard a few horror stories that week from other travelers who had been foolish enough to travel to the mainland using the overnight budget option.  I tried to remain as positive as possible, but Colleen was already starting to expect the worst when our shuttle bus showed up to drive us to the pier.  What I mean by shuttle bus of course is a pickup truck with benches in the back where the driver crammed an ungodly amount of us into said back of truck and then proceeded to  pile all of our luggage directly on top of us.  Comfortable it was not.  Thankfully we made it to the pier without losing any souls along the way, although things weren't looking overly promising on the boat front.  Let's just say we weren't exactly staring at the five-and-a-half-star cruise ship we had enjoyed so much a couple of months prior.  There were hundreds of people everywhere, a combination of backpackers and locals looking to take advantage of the cheap overnight ferry.  The best way to describe the boarding process would be to compare it to how they round up cattle en masse.  I had a feeling it was going to be an interesting night. 



Loading up the night boat. This should be fun...



 

Chaos and human-cattle herding aside, we eventually found our way onto the ship and the first thought that popped into my mind was, "holy fuck, this is what I imagine a floating concentration camp to look like".  There were literally hundreds of people lying everywhere, packed shoulder-to-shoulder on flimsy mattresses that reminded me of those mats we used to use in gym class in public school.  The thing was these mattresses were (presumably) dirtier and less comfortable.  By this point Colleen was in full on panic mode and I am pretty sure she was pondering swimming to the main land instead of spending her entire night on this human rights travesty of a boat. 



The Koh Tao-Suratthani Night Boat. Jail would have been a step up.



 

With our boarding cards in our hands, we marched up to the second level of the boat to find our assigned beds floor space for the night.  Seeing as how things were going so well already for us, it was only natural that a group of dirty ass Spanish hippies had setup shop on our living quarters.  This is what my life had come to: arguing with greasy, non-showering, unemployable Spaniards about who was going to sleep on this poor excuse for a mat.  Eventually they thankfully fucked off, but by this point Colleen had started to notice that there was a trail of ants near the head of her mattress and giant mosquitoes circling overhead just waiting for her to pass out so she could donate some blood.  I argued with her and attempted to calm her down, but alas there was no way in hell that she was going to rest that night.  Factor in all the characters around us drinking hard liquor and smoking weed and you have a recipe for a long night if you were attempting to get some sleep.  All of this started to send Colleen over the edge and the final straw came a couple of minutes later when a giant red ant came sauntering across Colleen's bed.  With that, Colleen proclaimed there was no way she could sleep here (I admittedly was pissed with her, but looking back I can't blame her) and we packed up our stuff and made our way downstairs to a picnic table at the rear of the boat.  The two of us ended up sitting there with a rotating cast of other people who were presumably afraid of the bugs and/or people for the next seven-and-a-half hours, often slipping in and out of consciousness while my arms and legs kept also falling asleep from the weird and contorted shapes I was making.  There also happened to be a lady who spent almost the entire night in the bathroom that was located a few feet away from us as she was throwing up excessively and could barely stand up.  Literally it was the closest thing to death I had seen since that time we got a Llama drunk on wine byproducts (that's a whole other story!).  It goes without saying that we barely slept all night, but hey at least we weren't killed by ants!



Attempting to sleep on a picnic table at the back of the boat.



How much does Colleen love her life right now?

Having travelled on probably hundreds of different boats on four continents, I can easily say that this was the most memorable boat ride of my life.  While it was terrible at the time, when I look back on our Asian trip it was strangely one of the things I remember most.  Having said that, I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT!!!

~Brentski~

Day 73- Buoyancy. Like "Coccyx" It's Not Nearly As Dirty As It Sounds.

Following three straight days of having to wake up early for diving school, we were finally afforded the opportunity to sleep in as Colleen and I were not scheduled to start our Advanced Adventurer Diver Course until after lunch.   Sadly though, I could not sleep in as my "real world" habits of an internal alarm clock and such were starting to creep back into my system.  If there's one thing I don't like, it's the real world.

Sadly, my attempt to sleep in failed, but things could only improve.  Unless I intended to commit suicide 50 feet below the ocean's surface as I had attempted to do the previous day, it was inherently going to be a step in the right direction.  For our Advanced Adventurer course, there was no classroom work.  It was strictly diving.  To receive our credentials we would have to complete a series of five different underwater dives, each highlighting a different skill set.  We settled on navigation, buoyancy, a wreck dive, deep water dive, and night dive.  Unlike when we did our beginner's course, Colleen and I were not alone this time.  In addition to our instructor Amber, we had another student, Jon, and Martin who was in training to become an instructor.



Our Advanced Adventurer crew. Jon, Colleen, Amber, Myself, and Jon (left to right).



For our first dive of the afternoon, we headed over to a shallow dive spot where we were set to practice our navigation skills.  Jon, Colleen, and I were given compasses and had to navigate our way to certain spots under the water.  Thankfully, Jon was a much more experienced diver than Colleen and I, so we just kind of followed him  and pretended to look at our compasses as if we actually had a clue as to what the hell we were doing.  Jon was definitely an alpha male type of guy, while Colleen and I were just fish in his school.  I apologize for the shitty pun.

For our second dive of the afternoon, we boated over to a spot known as "buoyancy world".  I'll let you guess what skills we practiced here.  There were a wide assortment of obstacles, hoops, and other related crap under the water that we had to float through in an attempt to master the ever important skill of buoyancy.  Mostly though, I just like using the word buoyancy. Buoyancy. Buoyancy.  By far the most exciting part of the afternoon was when Jon was almost attacked by a triggerfish.  They are hyper-territorial fish that do not like it when people swim into their areas.  Needless to say Jon made that mistake and provided all of us with some free entertainment.  While we made it through both of the days skill tests unscathed, the one problem I was still suffering from was the fact that I was going through my oxygen supply at a far greater rate of speed than anyone else.  This in turn meant shorter dives for me, and less of a chance of seeing something of note under the water.

Divers' worst nightmare...the triggerfish. *Not an original photo

That evening was slightly more low key than the previous evening's affairs.  We hit up Chopper's again for dinner before retiring to our abode.  Colleen and I were both pretty banged up on our legs and our ankles were totally mashed up from the friction caused by the fins.  The ocean was trying to defeat us, but we were determined not to let it win!

~Brentski~

Day 72- Brent Has A Panic Attack 18 Meters Below The Surface. (What Not To Do When Scuba DIving)

Feeling flush with confidence after making it through the previous days' dives with relatively few problems, Colleen and I made our way to the Roctopus shop for the ungodly (at least on vacation) time of 7am.  This morning we were to complete our final two dives of our Open Water Certification course.  Not even two weeks earlier I would have thought this to be an impossible goal as Colleen was adamantly against ever trying scuba diving.  Thanks to a chance encounter with some strangers and the conversation that ensued, here we were on the Gulf of Thailand about to feed ourselves to Poseidon and all of his creatures.  The best part is that Colleen was loving diving, and admittedly better at it than me.  Funny how things work sometimes. 

With her new found love for diving, we loaded up the gear and got ready for our big morning.  Our instructor Amber, Colleen, and I were going to be joined on our dives by a videographer by the name of Prat.  Prat was a laidback Indian dude, who had actually spent time living in Vancouver and had even been to Churchill, Manitoba.  I'm not sure, what percentage of the population of India has been to Churchill, Manitoba, but if I had to bang out a guess, I would peg it at under 0.000000001%. And that's probably being generous.  Prat was there to film Colleen and I for a DVD that he would edit. If we wanted to purchase it, we would be given the option later that evening.  But let's be real, I'm dating Colleen.  That DVD was as good as sold before he even started shooting.

On our first of two dives that morning we were fortunate to have amazing visibility and saw a ton of fish.  We were also lucky enough to have a huge school of barracuda, numbering in the thousands, that was present for most of our dive and seemed to follow us wherever we went.  Colleen was in love and knowing how much she could care about most sports (see: not at all), it was great to see her enjoying herself.  But alas, I had to go and ruin the fun on our second dive.  Yup, Brent just had to go on trying to die!



Come back land, I need you!!!!



 

While the first dive went smooth as can be, things quickly turned bad for myself on what was to be our final dive before receiving our certification.  While Colleen, Prat, Amber, and I were descending to the bottom of the ocean to practice some skills on the ocean floor I started to experience some problems with water leaking into my face mask.  At the time I did not realize it, but the side flap on my mask was folded over and was thus allowing water to get in.  Warning: DO NOT EVER DO WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DO IN THIS STORY UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE.  So, as we were descending, I started to freak out as my eyes were getting super irritated.  For some reason (it all happened so fast), I then proceeded to take my mask off and spit my regulator out of my mouth.  By this time, Amber has now thankfully seen what is going on.  I am in full on panic mode at a depth of 18 meters (over 50 feet) and am trying to semi-consciously swim to the surface as fast as I can.  At this point I was inhaling massive amounts of water into my lungs and was almost certain I was going to die.  Thankfully, Amber was there and as I was trying to swim away to my frantic and certain death she kept holding onto my vest and trying to jam my regulator back in my mouth.  I responded by trying to push her away and swim to the surface as my heart was now beating out of my chest and my instinct to surface was taking over.  Believe me, am I ever thankful that she was there to save my ass, cause the likelihood of me making it to the surface were slim to none! Eventually, after a ton of flailing around and me assaulting her semi-consciously, Amber was able to jam the regulator into my mouth and calm was somewhat restored.  Not to be forgotten is the fact that Colleen was watching this whole incident play out and was having a freak out of her own as she watched me.  Oh, and Prat was filming the whole damn thing!  I'm sure it would make great footage if he ever had to teach an underwater rescue course! Somehow, despite all the chaos I had inflicted on everyone, and all the salt water I had ingested, we managed to finish completing our exercises at the bottom of the ocean and we even completed an underwater kiss for the camera! On a positive note, I think I achieved my desired sodium intake for the day.



Roctopus saved my life.  Literally, its employee, saved my life!



Seeing as how we couldn't talk underwater, upon surfacing I could just tell that everyone was like "what the fuck just happened!?".  I explained the situation with my mask and that one thing led to another and before I knew it I was in the throes of a full on panic attack.  I was not sure if Amber was going to pass me, and I was suddenly having flashbacks to when I was 16 years old and ran a red light due to nervousness while taking my final Young Drivers of Canada exam.  I am pretty sure I was the only student to ever fail driving school (Sidenote: I passed all three of my government driving tests on the first try).  Thankfully, not only did Amber save my life, but she also passed me after I promised her I had learned my lesson.  I like to think that it was good for her as an instructor, as she had never had anyone pull a stunt like that on her before.  Yup, I was a real life First Aid Course.  Despite my brush with death, Colleen was not deterred and before I could say "drowning" she had enrolled us for the Advanced Adventurer diving course that was starting the next day.  Yup, looks like my diving days weren't behind me quite yet.



Captain's cool. He don't give a fuck about no drowning white boys.



With our newly minted status as "Open Water Divers", Colleen and I headed back to our bungalow to rest before sauntering over to one of the local bars, Chopper's, to meet up with Amber, Prat, and a bunch of other people who had been out diving with Roctopus that day.  As is customary with people who finish their course, they played Prat's video of Colleen and I on the big screen in the bar for all to see.  Sadly, the footage of me going all Helen Keller was left on the floor of the editing room, but the video was awesome nonetheless.  Of note in the video was the fact that Colleen and I both like to flap our arms under the water which made us both look like a couple of newbies tools.  Aside from that, the video was awesome and Colleen most definitely bought a copy.  To further celebrate the successful completion of our course, and me still being alive, we indulged in some drop shots and a few rounds of beverages before heading over to some other "diver's bar".   At bar number two we were fortunate enough to introduce some of the others to the fine world of Canadian culinary delights aka poutine.  Throw in witnessing a lesbo make-out session  between a newlywed (we'll just call her bi-curious) and her friend, and you my friends have the recipe for a perfect night.  French fries, gravy, cheese, and girl-on-girl.  What more could a guy who stared down death that day ask for?  Heaven.

~Brentski~

Day 71- Call Me Jacques Cousteau...Or Whatever The Opposite Of That Is.

With our thoroughly rested minds, Colleen and I made our way back to school the dive shop for our last installment of "in class" work which was followed up with our final exam.  Despite my lack of recent scholastic endeavors and the fact that I dozed off during class a few times (sorry Amber!), I still managed to get 92% to Colleen's 86%.  Not that anyone is keeping score.  Yeah, just kidding I was keeping score, SUCK IT COLLEEN!!!  Regardless of who scored higher (IT WAS ME!!!) we both achieved a high enough score that we were officially out of the classroom and ready to embark on some dives in the super terrifying ocean.



Big-ups to the Beaufort Delta. Repping hard like a white boy with my shirt!

After mowing down a huge lunch (not the best idea when you have to go swimming) we headed down to the pier and loaded up our gear with the other divers for the afternoon session.  We were going to be diving at two sites known as Japanese Gardens and Twins, which I realize means absolutely nothing to anybody unless you have been to Koh Tao, so I shall leave it at that.  We were both super gung-ho to experience our first taste of non-pool diving, but before we were allowed to go all Jacques Cousteau, Colleen and I were told we had to swim two laps around the boat and complete a doggie paddle for what seemed like an eternity.  I actually thought I was going to drown right then and there and that I was going to be the first scuba student to die before they actually did any real dives. 



Colleen getting ready to submerge herself.  Never thought I would see this day.



Did I mention she got her hair done in prison!?

Alas, my giggly belly and weak heart survived to pathetic fitness test and the next thing I knew we were swimming amongst the fishes like long time professionals with our scuba gear intact.  Well, at least that's what I would like you to believe.  In actuality I was struggling with my buoyancy quite a bit, and I was kind of floating around everywhere (think Sandra Bullock in "Gravity").  I can only assume it was due to all the jelly in my stomach I had amassed in the previous few weeks thanks to the cheap Thai beer.  My favorite part of the dives was watching Colleen as she did her best to stay far away from any fishes that attempted to get close to her.  Thank God we weren't diving with spiders or she would have been really fucked!  Our instructor Amber also had open cuts on her legs that the cleaner wrasses (think algae eaters for all you aquarium aficionados [if that's a thing]) took a shining too and were constantly trying to attack.   While I am not overly afraid of small fishes, I definitely don't like them sucking the life out of me, but Amber seemed quite content with donating her skin to the local sea life.  Due to my heavy breathing, I was constantly running out of air faster than the other divers, which kind of sucked as I felt responsible for shortening up other people's dives as we would have to surface for my sake.  Aside from my breathing issues and Colleen's fear of minnow-sized fish, we could officially say we had dived in something other than a pool!  Swimming under the water was actually not as strenuous as I had imagined, although the boat captain more than made up for this when we parked the boat on what seemed like the other side of Thailand in relation to the dive sites.  It may not have taken a ton of exertion to swim under the water, but Captain Ahab more than made up for it by making my non-athletic ass swim for ten minutes at the surface to get back to the vessel.    



"Don't worry Colleen... I'll tell your mother you love her!!!"



That evening we again took it easy as we were pretty wiped out from diving and would have to be up again bright and early the next morning for our final dives and (hopefully!) receive  our Open Water Certification.

~Brentski~

Day 69- Journey To Koh Tao. Home Of Fantastic Diving And The World's Most Aggressive Cabbies.

With four straight days of what seemed like nothing but eating, drinking, and sweating, it was time for us to leave Koh Samui.  For the first time in the history of the great kingdom of Thailand, a cab actually showed up early.  We had become so used to waiting for everything, that we were actually caught off guard when someone showed up at the time they said they would.  Thankfully, the hotel also did not charge us for the room card that the guy working the previous night said we would have to pay for.  This was a good thing for the lady working, because I am sure if she had attempted to charge us Colleen would have ripped her face off (or at the very least given her a mean titty-twister)!

With our luggage in tow, we headed down to the pier and loaded up onto the super packed ferry.  Because the Full Moon Party was forthcoming, there were thousands of people making their way to Koh Phangan.  Colleen and I on the other hand were headed to the diving Mecca of Koh Tao (the third island in the chain that makes up the big three in the Gulf of Thailand), which was just a wee bit further by boat. 



Geography lesson. Free of charge.



 

Thankfully, our ferry ride was not as violent as some of the ones we had been subjected to in the recent past and we were able to make it to Koh Tao with all of our digested food staying digested.  While Koh Tao is billed as the quietest and smallest of the three islands, the same cannot be said for its fleet of taxi drivers.  The second we got off the ferry the two of us, and everyone else onboard for that matter, were swarmed by hundreds of cab drivers.  All of them were shouting and screaming and trying to get your attention, all in the name of a car ride!  We were told the previous day by our diving school (Roctopus Dive) that they would pick us up, so we headed to the designated waiting spot.  And waited. And waited. And waited some more.  Eventually we gave up and had to catch a ride from one of the overly zealous cab drivers who scooted us across the island to the Roctopus Dive Shop. 

Colleen psyching herself up for the ferry ride.

There are literally dozens of dive operators and shops on Koh Tao all offering very similar packages and pricing when it comes to learning how to dive. Colleen and I had done a bit of research the previous day and after scouring Trip Advisor reviews, we decided on Roctopus.  They were one of the top-ranked (if not the top-ranked shop) on the island and many of the reviews raved about the small class sizes and personable instructors.  Shortly after we arrived the guy who was supposed to meet us at the pier arrived and apologized for the mix-up in picking us up.  Mix-ups aside, after filling out some paperwork, meeting our instructor Amber, and getting our homework assignment(!) we were informed that due to the Full Moon Party (many people go there before coming diving) on the next island over, we would be the only two people in our class commencing the next day! This made Colleen especially happy, as she was nervous about diving and felt that having a small class would make her feel more comfortable.  Little did we know it would end up being me who just about died.  But more on that later!

The Thailand you don't read about in the guidebooks.

With everything sorted at the dive shop for our course beginning the next day, we were driven over to our bungalow accommodations that were being included as part of the all-inclusive price with our diving certification course.  We had no TV and had to pay some guy to come deliver us a code for internet access (not sketchy at all), but hey we were here to learn to dive.   That evening we went out for dinner and explored the island a bit before heading back to our room to do our homework which was due the following morning.  I must say that Colleen was much more expedient at finding answers in her books than I was.  Must have something to do with my old age.  It was clear who was going to be the teacher's pet in class.

The real fun starts the next day...scuba here we come!

~Brentski~