Day 69- Journey To Koh Tao. Home Of Fantastic Diving And The World's Most Aggressive Cabbies.

With four straight days of what seemed like nothing but eating, drinking, and sweating, it was time for us to leave Koh Samui.  For the first time in the history of the great kingdom of Thailand, a cab actually showed up early.  We had become so used to waiting for everything, that we were actually caught off guard when someone showed up at the time they said they would.  Thankfully, the hotel also did not charge us for the room card that the guy working the previous night said we would have to pay for.  This was a good thing for the lady working, because I am sure if she had attempted to charge us Colleen would have ripped her face off (or at the very least given her a mean titty-twister)!

With our luggage in tow, we headed down to the pier and loaded up onto the super packed ferry.  Because the Full Moon Party was forthcoming, there were thousands of people making their way to Koh Phangan.  Colleen and I on the other hand were headed to the diving Mecca of Koh Tao (the third island in the chain that makes up the big three in the Gulf of Thailand), which was just a wee bit further by boat. 



Geography lesson. Free of charge.



 

Thankfully, our ferry ride was not as violent as some of the ones we had been subjected to in the recent past and we were able to make it to Koh Tao with all of our digested food staying digested.  While Koh Tao is billed as the quietest and smallest of the three islands, the same cannot be said for its fleet of taxi drivers.  The second we got off the ferry the two of us, and everyone else onboard for that matter, were swarmed by hundreds of cab drivers.  All of them were shouting and screaming and trying to get your attention, all in the name of a car ride!  We were told the previous day by our diving school (Roctopus Dive) that they would pick us up, so we headed to the designated waiting spot.  And waited. And waited. And waited some more.  Eventually we gave up and had to catch a ride from one of the overly zealous cab drivers who scooted us across the island to the Roctopus Dive Shop. 

Colleen psyching herself up for the ferry ride.

There are literally dozens of dive operators and shops on Koh Tao all offering very similar packages and pricing when it comes to learning how to dive. Colleen and I had done a bit of research the previous day and after scouring Trip Advisor reviews, we decided on Roctopus.  They were one of the top-ranked (if not the top-ranked shop) on the island and many of the reviews raved about the small class sizes and personable instructors.  Shortly after we arrived the guy who was supposed to meet us at the pier arrived and apologized for the mix-up in picking us up.  Mix-ups aside, after filling out some paperwork, meeting our instructor Amber, and getting our homework assignment(!) we were informed that due to the Full Moon Party (many people go there before coming diving) on the next island over, we would be the only two people in our class commencing the next day! This made Colleen especially happy, as she was nervous about diving and felt that having a small class would make her feel more comfortable.  Little did we know it would end up being me who just about died.  But more on that later!

The Thailand you don't read about in the guidebooks.

With everything sorted at the dive shop for our course beginning the next day, we were driven over to our bungalow accommodations that were being included as part of the all-inclusive price with our diving certification course.  We had no TV and had to pay some guy to come deliver us a code for internet access (not sketchy at all), but hey we were here to learn to dive.   That evening we went out for dinner and explored the island a bit before heading back to our room to do our homework which was due the following morning.  I must say that Colleen was much more expedient at finding answers in her books than I was.  Must have something to do with my old age.  It was clear who was going to be the teacher's pet in class.

The real fun starts the next day...scuba here we come!

~Brentski~ 

 

Day 61- Chasing Whiskey With Laughing Gas; Always A Good Idea

Sadly, I must admit that I am not the brightest firefly in the sky.  With that in mind, after finishing breakfast Colleen and I decided that we had to rent a moped for transportation around the island.  Despite our crash and flat tire experiences the previous week in Chumphon, we were not yet jaded on the idea of motorized two-wheel transportation.  For the bargain basement price of $27 for four days, our hotel lent us a brand new motorbike that had only 700 kilometers on it and not a single scratch.  All I had to do was sign a waiver with ridiculously high fees if I damaged the bike and turn my passport over to them as a form of deposit.  I'm sure nothing was going to happen to the bike; after all I'm an amazing driver.

With my pockets one passport lighter, Colleen and I were now free to travel the island of Koh Phangan on our motorbike.  There was only one problem: Colleen is terrified of going up and down large hills.  And there are a shit ton of hills on the island.  After deciding to walk down the first hill immediately outside our resort, she quickly realized that it might be better to try and face her fears of hills as opposed to walking up and down steep gradients in the sweltering heat.  A few hills later, she started feeling a little more comfortable, and eventually the two of us were putting around the island like a couple of reject Hell's Angels. 

Our first stop of the day was Phaeng Waterfall.  Located in the middle of the island, we had heard there was about a 40 minute hike up a fairly steep incline through some gnarly bush trails, but once at the top we would be rewarded with some terrific views.  By the time we reached the summit top of the hill, Colleen and I were both dripping in sweat and cursing ourselves for deciding to go hiking.  I must give an extra shout out to Colleen who completed the trip wearing flip-flops.  Bravo.  It was definitely worth it though, as we were rewarded with some magnificent panoramic  views of the island from the top of the trail. 

Looks like it's going to be a fun hike in flip flops.

 

 



Got my hiking shorts on...



 

After refueling with Gatorade, we saddled back up on our bike and headed over to a nearby archery place.  Despite the place being empty and there being staff sitting around doing nothing, we were told that we could not partake in our "Hunger Games" impressions as we were not part of a tour group.  Add to this that the archery place also had some elephants chained up (riding elephants is big tourist business in Thailand) that looked miserable as shit and it was overall a crappy experience. 

PEOPLE, SERIOUSLY, DO NOT SUPPORT THESE TYPES OF BUSINESSES. SAD TO SEE.

 

Since we had actually woken up at a decent time, we had a whole day to do stuff, which was a pretty rare occurrence for us!  After the archery fail, we biked on down to the southern part of the island and decided to check out Haad Rin, the beach that is home to the world-famous Full Moon Party.  Sadly, we would not be able to attend the monthly party as our timetable did not lineup.  Seeing as how there was no party to be seen for a week or so there was not a whole lot going on.  Just beaches, bars, hostels, tourists, and other boring shit.  Never one to sit on a beach and catch a tan, I needed a little more action in my life, so we decided to check out the gun range that was just down the road.  If you can't fire a bow and arrow, might as well do the next best thing and fire off a round out of a 9MM.  Upon entering the shooting range, it was clear this wasn't the classy operation that the Gun Range I had previously been to in Las Vegas was.  This place had more of a "dingy warehouse with spent needles and cheap hookers" kind of feel.  After a quick discussion, Colleen and I decided that we would just fire off one round of ten bullets, five each.  We were given a quick tutorial, although most of it was lost in translation as the gun master and I spoke different languages.  Eventually I stepped up to the plate and BANG I fired towards the target.  Only problem was that my shot was nowhere the target.  Recoil is a motherfucker.  After firing off a few more shots, it was time for Colleen to step up.  Well, it was supposed to be.  Now, she was scared.  Let me quickly point out that Colleen grew up firing guns as she participated in biathlon in cadets as a kid.  Me, I had only ever fired a gun once before and like this time it was in a shooting range.  So, I ended up popping off the last few shots, and when it was all said and done, I had hit the rather large target sheet a grand total of zero times!  Guess, I'm going to have to keep serving bacon and eggs for a living.  With my tail between my legs, the wifey and I headed back to the resort, but not before stopping off at some pizza joint that appeared to be run by the Russian Mafia.  Yes, the Russian Mob has a solid foothold in Thailand.

No idea what he is saying. Just nodding along.

0 for 10 when it came to hitting the targets. I should give up on life.

Poser.

Constipated? Nah, I shot my foot off.

Back at the quiet surrounds of our resort and Haad Salad Beach that evening,  Miss McParland and I enjoyed dinner at another of the beachside restaurants before heading back to our room to start getting ready for our real mission that day.  You see, while we may have been missing the Full Moon Party the following week, the ever-enduring entrepreneurs of Koh Phangan had created the "Half Moon Party", which takes place a week before the big dance.  Instead of being on the beach, it was set in the more central jungle part of the island and had grown to be the second biggest monthly party on the island.  With that in mind, Colleen and I did a bit of pre-drinking in our room (cause that's what lame couples do) before heading out around 11:30pm to find a cab.  The only problem was that it was 11:30pm and we weren't exactly in the party zone spot of the island.  Starting to feel a little anxious that we might not be able to arrange a ride, we headed down to the beach and tried to see if we could find any signs of human life.  Thankfully we stumbled upon a group of about ten dudes from France who were just about to be heading out the party.  It truly was a blessing from the party Gods.  With that in mind, we all piled in to the back of a small taxi cab pickup truck and were on our way to the party!  Upon discovering that we were Canadian, the heavily intoxicated Frenchmen decided they needed to sing every Canadian song they could think of.  Surely, there is nothing finer than a bunch of drunk French dudes singing Bryan Adams and Celine Dion while you rumble down a jungle road in the bed of some Thai dudes pickup truck.  After their stunning vocal performance, they insisted that I now had to sing them some French songs, and sadly they only ones I knew were from Grade 4 French Class and were aptly titled, "Louie La Grenouille" and "Violette A Bicyclette".  It truly was a sad state of affairs.  In the end, they let Colleen and I off the hook by coercing us into singing a duet of the Canadian national anthem, to which I am most certain we did not do our country proud.

Last photographic evidence before that Half Moon Party. Things just got sloppy from here.

Thankfully, our karaoke session came to a close and we eventually arrived our destination; the Half Moon Party.  Located in the middle of the island, it appeared as though we had just stepped into the movie "Jumanji".  Either that or we were at just at some gigantic jungle rave.  It was probably the latter.  Within seconds of stepping out of our ride, we were hounded by dudes who only knew one word of English "MDMA".  Now, I am not pro or anti-drugs, but I am definitely anti-drugs in foreign countries with a reputation for police corruption and drug snitches.  Sorry drug dealers of Koh Phangan, I would only be getting wasted on alcohol tonight!  After paying our 500 baht ($17 Canadian) entrance fee, Colleen and I proceeded to take advantage of our one free drink and scope out the scene.  There were thousands of people everywhere, many of them covered or working on getting covered in body paint.  I am most certain that drugs and alcohol had nothing to do with this.  After hitting up the porta-potties, our next stop was the bar.  Anyone familiar with Thailand knows that many of its big parties are famous for their "bucket" drinks.  Basically, you get a little sand castle making bucket that is filled with a mickey of either Thai whisky, gin or vodka and is topped off with three cans of Thai Red Bull.  In short, they get you obliterated.  Seeing as how we had been drinking before arriving, after one bucket each, Colleen and I were both feeling quite fine.  Yes, fine.  Yup, that shit is gotta be working if my white as is dancing.  Somewhere along the way (started getting foggy) we decided that it would be a good idea to buy a few balloons that were filled with "laughing gas".  As I recall, we logged a solid shift at the "laughing gas bar" huffing back balloons filled with nitrous.  Seemed like a good idea at the time.  Around this time, things got really blurry for me and Colleen filled in the rest of the details.  As follows:

- On a trip to the porta-potties for some reason Colleen and I went in together and upon emerging from the shitter, I announced to the large crowd outside the bathroom that my girlfriend and I were in fact, not having sex in the bathroom.

- Later on in the evening, while I was thirsty, I hocked Colleen off on some random chick to dance while I went and stole beers.  Yes, I was stealing beers in a third world country.

- We got a cab home around 4:00am and I KO'ed in the cab super hard.  Apparently, the cabbie did not know where our resort was and was she was starting to lose her shit.  She threatened to dump us off on the side of the road, before she somehow after much searching and yelling at us (we couldn't understand shit anyways) found our resort.

And that's how I won my nomination for boyfriend of the year.

~Brentski~