Feeling flush with confidence after making it through the
previous days' dives with relatively few problems, Colleen and I made our way
to the Roctopus shop for the ungodly (at least on vacation) time of 7am. This morning we were to complete our final
two dives of our Open Water Certification course. Not even two weeks earlier I would have
thought this to be an impossible goal as Colleen was adamantly against ever
trying scuba diving. Thanks to a chance
encounter with some strangers and the conversation that ensued, here we were on
the Gulf of Thailand about to feed ourselves to Poseidon and all of his
creatures. The best part is that Colleen
was loving diving, and admittedly better at it than me. Funny how things work sometimes.
With her new found love for diving, we loaded up the gear
and got ready for our big morning. Our
instructor Amber, Colleen, and I were going to be joined on our dives by a
videographer by the name of Prat. Prat
was a laidback Indian dude, who had actually spent time living in Vancouver and
had even been to Churchill, Manitoba.
I'm not sure, what percentage of the population of India has been to
Churchill, Manitoba, but if I had to bang out a guess, I would peg it at under
0.000000001%. And that's probably being
generous. Prat was there to film
Colleen and I for a DVD that he would edit. If we wanted to purchase it, we
would be given the option later that evening.
But let's be real, I'm dating Colleen. That DVD was as good as sold before he even
started shooting.
On our first of two dives that morning we were fortunate to
have amazing visibility and saw a ton of fish.
We were also lucky enough to have a huge school of barracuda, numbering
in the thousands, that was present for most of our dive and seemed to follow us
wherever we went. Colleen was in love
and knowing how much she could care about most sports (see: not at all), it was great to see her enjoying herself. But alas, I had to go and ruin the fun on our
second dive. Yup, Brent just had to go
on trying to die!
 |
| Come back land, I need you!!!! |
While the first dive went smooth as can be, things quickly
turned bad for myself on what was to be our final dive before receiving our certification. While Colleen, Prat, Amber, and I were
descending to the bottom of the ocean to practice some skills on the ocean
floor I started to experience some problems with water leaking into my face
mask. At the time I did not realize it,
but the side flap on my mask was folded over and was thus allowing water to get
in. Warning:
DO NOT EVER DO WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DO IN THIS STORY UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE. So, as we were descending, I started to
freak out as my eyes were getting super irritated. For some reason (it all happened so fast), I
then proceeded to take my mask off and spit my regulator out of my mouth. By this time, Amber has now thankfully seen
what is going on. I am in full on panic
mode at a depth of 18 meters (over 50 feet) and am trying to semi-consciously
swim to the surface as fast as I can. At
this point I was inhaling massive amounts of water into my lungs and was almost
certain I was going to die. Thankfully,
Amber was there and as I was trying to swim away to my frantic and certain
death she kept holding onto my vest and trying to jam my regulator back in my
mouth. I responded by trying to push her
away and swim to the surface as my heart was now beating out of my chest and my
instinct to surface was taking over.
Believe me, am I ever thankful that she was there to save my ass, cause
the likelihood of me making it to the surface were slim to none! Eventually,
after a ton of flailing around and me assaulting her semi-consciously, Amber
was able to jam the regulator into my mouth and calm was somewhat
restored. Not to be forgotten is the
fact that Colleen was watching this whole incident play out and was having a
freak out of her own as she watched me.
Oh, and Prat was filming the whole damn thing! I'm sure it would make great footage if he ever
had to teach an underwater rescue course! Somehow, despite all the chaos I had
inflicted on everyone, and all the salt water I had ingested, we managed to
finish completing our exercises at the bottom of the ocean and we even
completed an underwater kiss for the camera! On a positive note, I think I
achieved my desired sodium intake for the day.
 |
| Roctopus saved my life. Literally, its employee, saved my life! |
Seeing as how we couldn't talk underwater, upon surfacing I
could just tell that everyone was like "what the fuck just
happened!?". I explained the
situation with my mask and that one thing led to another and before I knew it I
was in the throes of a full on panic attack.
I was not sure if Amber was going to pass me, and I was suddenly having
flashbacks to when I was 16 years old and ran a red light due to nervousness
while taking my final Young Drivers of Canada exam. I am pretty sure I was the only student to
ever fail driving school (Sidenote: I
passed all three of my government driving tests on the first try). Thankfully, not only did Amber save my life,
but she also passed me after I promised her I had learned my lesson. I like to think that it was good for her as
an instructor, as she had never had anyone pull a stunt like that on her
before. Yup, I was a real life First Aid
Course. Despite my brush with death,
Colleen was not deterred and before I could say "drowning" she had
enrolled us for the Advanced Adventurer diving course that was starting the
next day. Yup, looks like my diving days
weren't behind me quite yet.
 |
| Captain's cool. He don't give a fuck about no drowning white boys. |
With our newly minted status as "Open Water
Divers", Colleen and I headed back to our bungalow to rest before
sauntering over to one of the local bars, Chopper's, to meet up with Amber,
Prat, and a bunch of other people who had been out diving with Roctopus that
day. As is customary with people who
finish their course, they played Prat's video of Colleen and I on the big
screen in the bar for all to see. Sadly,
the footage of me going all Helen Keller was left on the floor of the editing
room, but the video was awesome nonetheless.
Of note in the video was the fact that Colleen and I both like to flap
our arms under the water which made us both look like a couple of newbies
tools. Aside from that, the video was
awesome and Colleen most definitely bought a copy. To further celebrate the successful
completion of our course, and me still being alive, we indulged in some drop
shots and a few rounds of beverages before heading over to some other
"diver's bar". At bar number
two we were fortunate enough to introduce some of the others to the fine world
of Canadian culinary delights aka poutine.
Throw in witnessing a lesbo make-out session between a newlywed (we'll just call her
bi-curious) and her friend, and you my friends have the recipe for a perfect
night. French fries, gravy, cheese, and
girl-on-girl. What more could a guy who
stared down death that day ask for? Heaven.
~Brentski~
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