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| Local traffic. |
Now that my growing belly was sufficiently full, we hit up
our flamboyant resort manager who had told us the previous day that he could
arrange a moped/motorbike rental for us.
With that in mind, the hotel manager and the laundry man/gardener/guy
who I have no idea what he really does took off on a motorbike together and
returned a short while later with our sexy new rental. I had not driven one in a few years and
Colleen had not driven one ever, so it was safe to assume that shit was going
to go wrong somewhere! After giving us a
quick minute-long tutorial in the parking lot of the resort, Colleen and I were
on our way. Since we were staying about
a ten minute ride out of the town centre, we had a bit of time to acclimate to
our little rice rocket before we saw any real traffic. Our initial tour of the town went
surprisingly smooth as we checked out some of the beaches and did some
shopping. Feeling like I was now the
Mario Andretti of back country moped drivers in Thailand, we ventured onwards
and headed towards a gigantic Buddha statue that was nestled on top of a huge
hillside cliff overlooking the ocean.
Upon approach we were greeted with some intense inclines on some of the
hills and quite frankly my girlfriend did not trust my driving skills enough to
let me drive her up these verticals. So,
while I enjoyed the benefits of modern technology and glided to the top,
Colleen was left to march her ass up the hill like a peasant-woman. I must say though, she almost had the last
laugh though because as I was nearing the top some people were lighting off
firecrackers that sounded like gunshots and I nearly had a heart attack and
crashed the bike. Apparently, it is good
luck to light off firecrackers near Buddha statues or some shit. Would have been nice to know beforehand. At the summit we did the typical tourist
things (eat ice cream, take pictures, wonder why everyone loves this fat-Buddha
fellow so much) before heading on our way to fill our stomachs again.
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| Happier times. Before we hopped on the bike of death. |
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| How could I not score women? Look at me! |
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| Big Buddha. He's kind of a big deal in these parts. |
Back in town we opted to check out a Thai-Italian restaurant
called Kasama's. We had read about it in
one of our guidebooks and I must say it did not disappoint. It was a cute (yes, I just used that word)
restaurant with friendly staff and awesome food. For whatever reason, maybe it was all the sun
getting to her brain, after lunch Colleen decided that she wanted needed
to learn how to drive the motorbike. I
tried to tell her that maybe learning to drive a moped on the main street of a
town was not the wisest of ideas, but alas she persisted and I gave her a quick
tutorial on how to use the throttle, brakes, ignition etc. Eager to drive, Colleen assured me she was
good to go, so we strapped on our helmets and she got in the driver seat while
I hopped on the back and clung to her for dear life. Within a split second of Colleen starting the
bike up, we were both thrown off the bike as she floored the throttle all the
way back. Now picture this: The two of
us looking like the dumbest tourists in the world laying in the middle of the
street while our motorized vehicle is about fifty feet away with nobody driving
it! After we were thrown from the bike
it took on a mind of its own and eventually crashed to the ground. I wish that was the end of the story, but
alas it wasn't. When the bike hit the
ground it fell on the side which had the throttle handle so the bike continued
to go at full speed, but now it was just doing sideways donuts in the middle of
the road, all the while getting scraped to shit! In my panicked state I rushed over and after
getting molested by the bike with a couple of brutal shots I was eventually
able to get a hold of the throttle and turn the damn thing off. By this point there was a handful of Thai
people standing around looking at us and one man came running over and told me
that he was going to teach me how to drive it.
After some hand signals between the two of us, I was eventually able to
inform him that I was in fact a moped master and it was just a failed driving
lesson with my significant other.
Thankfully, no one was seriously hurt in the incident, as we both
sustained only minor scrapes and cuts and a couple of bruised biker egos. The bike on the other hand was now home to a
few scratches, but that would be a problem to worry about in a couple of days
when we returned it!
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| Local taxi cabs. Would not work too well in Inuvik. |
Back at the resort, I decided to nurse my wounds by going
for a lonely beach walk. Colleen was not
up for it given her recent accident combined with her still brutal
sunburn. That night, we went back to
Kasama's for dinner, and yes for those of you wondering... I drove both ways! I had some Italian-Thai fusion pasta which
was delicious while Colleen, well she had three jumbo margaritas. On the ride home, Colleen who was feeling
quite fine after her three swimming pool-sized margaritas keep asking me if I
was okay to drive. You know what's more
annoying than being trapped in a car with a drunk person while you are
sober? Having them on the back of your
moped...a moped they already crashed that day!
Just kidding dear, you're the best
moped passenger ever. Back at the
resort we had a couple more Bacardi Breezers (the choice of real men worldwide)
before I nestled the burn victim into her customized bug sheets. After all, she was going to need her rest, we
had a big day of moped riding ahead of us!
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| That only counts as one standard drink right? |
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| Colleen in Kasama's. |
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| Any restaurant that has a bathroom filled with porn gets an "A" in my books. |
~Brentski~
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