Baby #2- The Birth Blog- Who The Hell is Braxton Hicks? (Part 1 of 3)

Well, it has been almost two years since I last used my keyboard to do anything productive (unless online shopping and researching toddler YouTube videos counts).  Alas, here we are. My wife has been nagging asking me for some time to document the birth of our second child. Here I am, now a father to two beautiful baby girls who look like they were born to two completely different parents attempting to recall the exact point in time where what little free time we ever had completely vanished in to thin air.

Yes, Colleen and I now find ourselves asking the age old question…how in the fuck did we ever complain about “how hard it is” with just one kid?! This really makes me appreciate Jon Gosselin more than ever. That man truly was a national treasure.



Still not too sure how the human body does this. Terrifying.

Anyways, steering back on track, for those who have not read my previous blog on the birth of our now two-year old daughter Squishy, you can do so right here. I will warn those of you that are familiar with that story that this one was not nearly as much of a clusterfuck. There was no flooded kitchen and no midwife fainting in my wife’s nether regions. There was however a water birth at home, a pool malfunction, poop, and the standard blood bath just to name a few of the elements at play. So without further adieu….

Here are some quick background facts on this birth to cut out some of the back-story this time around:

• As with the first gremlin, we were planning for a drug-free home birth.
• The plan was to again have a water birth.
• There would be midwives and a doula involved again. I resisted against paying for a doula, but as with most arguments, I lost.
• We knew we were having a girl but there was no “gender reveal party” this time. We kept it a surprise for just about everyone. Everyone, except for the 10 or so people that I accidentally slipped in a “she” too when discussing our unborn child. Dad fail. In addition, writing the words “gender reveal party” makes me feel like less of a man so hopefully I never have to do it again.
• Fake names have been given to the midwives and doula. Bonus points if you can figure out what television program/movie the three names come from.

October 13, 2018 started out like any other day….the birds were chirping; our almost 2-year-old daughter Squishy was demanding us to put on an endless loop of nursery rhymes on YouTube a mere ten seconds after she woke up; and my wife, Colleen, just happened to be a week overdue with our second child. By this time Colleen was ready to get the baby out of her as she had been experiencing something called Braxton Hicks for a few days which I just assumed was doctor speak for “this baby needs to get the fuck out or I am going to kill you all”. Thankfully, there was a non-stress test/check-up scheduled at the hospital that day where our midwife would be performing the not-so-subtly-named sweep on Colleen. For those not in the know, a sweep is exactly as it sounds. The midwife just gives your cervix the old hand job in hopes of sweeping the baby into action. Sweep. Sweep. Sweep. Sounds like fun!



Possibly the last photographic evidence we have of our now "easy" life with one kid.





As Colleen was liable to pop at any minute, our daughter Squishy and I accompanied her to the hospital for her lunchtime appointment. Once there, Colleen underwent all her necessary tests and had her sweep (last time I use this word I promise!). I was tasked with keeping our other child alive, which presumably was not going well as she kept dropping her food on the hospital floor and then eating it. When one of the nurses saw this and looked appalled she told me I should probably not be letting my daughter do this as those floors were, well, they were hospital floors. I did not have the balls to tell the nurse that I had already let my daughter eat an entire lunch buffet off the floor by that point. As all the hospital stuff was wrapping up, our midwife Sabrina and the doctor were both fairly certain that Moreau baby number two would be coming that day as Colleen was four centimetres dilated. What exactly this means I do not know. However, I did understand that a baby possibly sliding down the old birthing tubes today was a very real possibility…..



"Hey Dad. Throw my mafuckin' Cheerios on the floor so I can eat them up and show this unborn baby how tough I am."

NEXT TIME: POOL PARTY!!!!!!!!

Should We Include Water Wings In The Birthing Kit? (The Birthing Story: Part 1 of 4)

So I have not written in a blog post in a few years. In fact the last thing I wrote about was my engagement to my now wife/baby mama/woman who lately keeps putting this strange tasting milk in my fridge in little bottles. In fact, that series of posts was much better received than any of my travel pieces, so I should have been writing romance novels the whole time. On that note, if this seems like it was written by your 6-year old nephew who sticks crayons up his nose and eats glue off of Popsicle sticks during arts and crafts time I apologize. 

Having said all that, I am approaching ten years of blogging and am looking to head in a new direction. Life has changed greatly (and for the better I might add!). Gone are the days of months-long traveling expeditions, sleeping in hostels with a bunch of white people with greasy dreadlocks, and drunken nights in exotic locales. Alas, now I am an old-married man who loves nothing more than sitting on his couch with his amazing wife, beautiful daughter, Netflix and dog, Milo, who has a strange fascination with humping any blanket that has a cheetah or leopard print pattern. I’m going out on a limb here, but I think he failed sex education.

Not gonna lie...this one took a few takes

Over the next couple of blog posts, I will attempt to capture the magic (pretty sure that was what my wife was calling it while she was cranking a baby out of her hoo-ha) of the recent birth of our lovely daughter Adeline. I will attempt to leave out the most graphic stuff, but hey if I was able to stomach it, I’m sure you can too.

So, where to start? Well, nine or so months ago I looked at my wife and the next thing I knew she announced, “I think I’m pregnant”. Actually, I am pretty sure that she said “I know I’m pregnant”. I will forever remember this night because we happened to be about the town that evening and all my wife was concerned about was buying a stick to piss on when she got home so that she could prove me that she was in fact “with child” as the sophisticated people say. Well, wouldn’t you know it but we came home and the next thing I know the two of us are hovering over a little piece of plastic in our bathroom that my wife just happened to relieve herself on.  And that my friend is where babies from. This led to my wife crying tears of happiness and me standing there in shock looking like someone who just invited ALF and E.T. to a dinner party and actually had both of them show up. This was of course all verified by a highly trained medical professional in due time. Yes, it would seem that parenthood was imminent.

***PEE STICK VIDEO BELOW ONLY SEEMS TO BE PLAYING ON DESKTOP COMPUTERS! SORRY***

I will not bore you with the too many details about the next nine or so months. The quick version goes like this:

- My wife’s belly grew (if she asks tell her it was hardly noticeable)

- We spent a lot of money on maternity clothes that she never wore

- We spent a lot of money on baby clothes that my daughter will probably never wear and baby accessories that she will probably never need or use

- Gender reveal (yes, this is a thing!) and baby shower parties were had

- Photos were taken

- A doula was hired (I will admit I had no idea what this was prior to this)

- The decision was made to use a mid-wife instead of a doctor

- Many appointments were had with said mid-wife

- I made frequent trips to the store to buy very specific things that my wife would crave (salsa runs at 11pm anyone!?)

- Milo would get jealous of the unborn child and deposit feces around our living quarters

You get the idea.

Who doesn't love a good baby shower?!

 Somewhere along the way the decision was made by my wife that she wanted to have a homebirth. I thought this was something that was only done because people couldn’t get to the hospital in time. Nope, it’s a REAL THING I was informed.  Now I know most people associate things such as homebirths to the pioneer age or maybe to the more “granola” types (of which Colleen is not), but we were told that it was perfectly safe and in the event that anything were to appear abnormal with the pregnancy and/or birth we would be immediately taken to the hospital. The decision to have a homebirth is one that everyone seems to have an opinion on, so we did not tell too many people beforehand because every Tom, Dick, and Harry thinks because they watch Grey’s Anatomy they are medical experts. Newsflash: If you work in a grocery store give me tips on buying produce, not on birthing matters. Sorry, rant over. 

By the way baby...did we tell you about our birth plan?

OH YEAH…AND DID I MENTION WE WERE PLANNING TO HAVE A HOMEBIRTH IN WATER!? WITHOUT DRUGS! Here I was a mere few months removed from believing that no baby could ever possibly be born anywhere but a hospital.  Next thing I knew I was mapping out space in my living room for an inflatable pool. If anyone is feeling really brave just go watch some water-birthing clips on Youtube (and those are the ones that are safe for public consumption).

If Vegas had set odds at the beginning of our pregnancy that my wife would want to birth her child at home, in an inflatable pool, and drug-free I would bet that the odds would have been somewhere in the 10,000 to 1 range. And that’s probably low-balling it.

And with that we waited. Our birthing kit was set, the inflatable rental pool was on standby (think a larger, more durable kiddy pool), and the nursery complete.  Now we just had to wait for the tiny human…Well at least I imagine they feel tiny coming out. Isn’t that right ladies?

Thanks for taking the time to read and I hope you enjoyed it!

~Brent~

NEXT BLOG: The birth of a baby!