One thing I can say about Melbourne that I don’t get the chance to say about a lot of places I visit is that I’ve actually been able to visit the vast majority of strip clubs in the area (and there is a lot). Wait scratch that! What I meant to say is that I’ve been able to visit most of the tourist destinations without cramming twenty things into one day. I guess this is a luxury that is afforded to you when you live somewhere. I find it funny, because here I’ve visited most of the major sites, while back home in Toronto I haven’t been to a lot of places that most people go when they visit Toronto (ie/ Casa Loma, Hockey Hall Of Fame, The Artist Formerly Known As Prince’s [or is it just Prince?] Toronto Residence, etc, etc). But then again, I guess that is true for a lot of people, as at home you tend to fall into your daily routine rather easily without putting much thought into visiting said places. I know I fall into my routine rather easily, kind of like an overused washer at a Laundromat. Pretty much consists of eat, sleep, work, masturbate, repeat. Eat, sleep, work, masturbate, repeat. Wait, who am I kidding there definitely needs to be another masturbation thrown into my life-laundry cycle. I am an alpha male after all. In conclusion there’s lots of shit to do in Melbourne. Here’s some of it as described by Sir Brent Moreau, of the Bradford Moreau clan.
One of the more unique things Leeanna and I had a chance to do was to take in some of the action at the Australian Open. We were fortunate enough that we were able to scoop some tickets for Rod Laver Arena (the main arena) during the second day of the two week tournament. We got to watch both eventual champions in action (Roger Federer and Serena Williams) and were also both able to successfully take naps in a capacity crowd arena. Let me tell you that there is nothing better on a Tuesday summer afternoon than Roger Federer, catching some shut eye, and overpriced sausage rolls. We also checked out some of the action on the outside courts after the main draw had ended, but seeing as how I was as over-tennised as Gary Busey is over-medicated, this all seemed to blur together. We literally had like sixteen hours of tennis on TV every day. I watched more tennis during the two weeks of the Australian Open then I have and will for the rest of my life. Andre Agassi would be proud. Now if only he would put that wig back on.
Leeanna and I have also the opportunity to take in every type of tourist transportation available. There is a free tram/streetcar that runs around the city centre (where we live) aptly titled the “City Circle Tram”. We use this quite frequently to travel the city and seem to mesh in well with all the Asian tourists and fat under-dressed Americans. There is also a bus called the Tourist Shuttle that takes people around Melbourne for free. One day out of sheer boredom, Leeanna and I decided to ride it for the entire two hour circuit. This was clearly one of the more ridiculous things I’ve done in recent memory, trailing only the time I decided to eat twenty-five caffeine pills because I wanted to see what it would do to me (It almost killed me if you must know, and was a bad decision I made like six years ago. So beat it!). The wife and I were also fortunate enough to see the city on a river cruise, although as far as river cruises go it was far from one of the better ones I’ve been on. Cruising through industrial docklands and past big freight ships just doesn’t seem as impressive as it does on Discovery Channel. All I can say about the Melbourne River Cruise is that thank God I had a two-for-one coupon, because quite frankly I could have cruised the Holland River in Bradford and probably had just as much fun (and seen some three-eyed fish).
Many people often associate Australia with an abundance of wildlife on land and in the water.
Naturally the Aussies make sure that they have lots of zoos and aquariums to capitalize on this and take full advantage of us tourists willing to pay to see things like sharks and wallabies. Seeing as how we live across the street from the Melbourne Aquarium, we eventually visited there, even despite the fact that it cost over $30 to get in. They had a very impressive penguin display and there shark exhibit was one of the better I’ve seen in my travels. We even stuck around to watch the “Sharks After Dark” show. Unfortunately, they couldn’t get the lights in the aquarium to go out, so the show kind of sucked and I imagine the sharks were going to have to wear their nightshades to bed that night. We also visited the Melbourne Zoo which to me was a bit of a letdown. I was expecting it to be like the best zoo ever, but instead it was a fairly standard run-of-the-mill zoo. The biggest problem was the fact that there were so many people there, making many of the exhibits hard to see. Couple this is in with the fact that there were screaming kids everywhere and the monkeys kept giving me the evil eye, well you get the picture.
In the first couple months, we also the chance to do a lot of other stuff that doesn’t really warrant me mentioning too much about, mostly because I am very far behind on my trip updates. Therefore, I shall try to keep this brief. We visited the Melbourne Observation Deck, which is basically just a poor man’s version of the CN Tower. It has since closed down to the public, as it has been sold to a private group and there is a taller lookout point in Melbourne now called the Eureka Skydeck. Why every city has to have a really tall building that tourists go up and look out I will never know. Why I keep shelling out money to go up them is also a mystery. We’ve also had the opportunity to check out some free stuff in the city worth quickly mentioning including St. Paul’s Cathedral, the Immigration Museum (gentleman let us in free as students even though we offered to pay), Luna Park/ St. Kilda Beach (worst amusement park ever) and the AC/DC Exhibit which showcases tons of the band’s memorabilia and recounts the complete history of the band. AC/DC first started gigging in Melbourne way-back when and it is often referred to as their home town. I know most of my friends count them as one of their favourite bands ever, and if you don’t like AC/DC well you should just go listen to Michael Buble you patsy communist!
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