So Leeanna and I are now entering our third week of living in our one room apartment and no one is dead yet, although I have on occasion heard her mumbling to herself in her sleep. She keeps saying something about a plastic bag and head and strangulation and my name all in the same sentence. Must be preparing for a magic trick or something; beats me. Anyways, in the last few weeks I have learned quite a bit about myself and my surroundings here in Australia. In actuality I haven’t really learned anything but have “noticed” some things.
1) First and foremost I can’t for the life of me figure out why Burger King is called Hungry Jack’s. It truly is mind-boggling. To my understanding, Burger King is called BURGER KING everywhere in the world, even in New Zealand which you could practically hit with a cricket ball from Australia if you were so inclined. Blows my fuckin’ mind, really does.
2)Which brings me to possibly the worst pastime this side of Crazy Bones and POGS; cricket. Most of the other popular sports in this country I can at least take an acute interest in such as rugby, Aussie Rules, and surfing, but for the life of me I just can’t get into cricket. From what I can tell the matches go on for days at a time and none of the parties involved ever seem too enthralled by the “sport” to which they are partaking in. I mean I wake up in the morning and cricket is on and when I go to bed that night, the same game is still on TV.
3)Because of the large number of tourists here, no one seems to know what side of the sidewalk to walk on. It is generally accepted that in most countries you walk on the right, although here it is opposite, just as the driving is. This seems to be lost on a good percentage of the humanoids around here and I always seem to find myself swerving all over the sidewalk like some kind of drunken monkey.
4)Beer prices here are atrocious. For starters, at the majority of the liquor stores in the city you can’t get most of the beers in anything larger than a 6-pack. Maybe it’s just a North American thing, but isn’t it easier to buy beer in cases of 24 or 30? Generally for an average lower-priced beer it costs about $16 for 6 beers. If they are available in 24s, the cheapest you are generally going to find them for is about $46. True fact: I was at the store tonight and observed that a 6-pack of Corona costs about $25. Shit, for that price they should include a high-class hooker that cuts your lemon wedges in a thong bikini and gets them into the bottle using only her tongue with her hands tied behind her back.
5)In relation to the above fact, I have noticed that I am starting to get fat. I am not sure how this is, as I walk everywhere and generally heal-toe it a few kilometers per day. I am developing what the mean kids in school used to call “bitch tits”. Guess I better stop eating tacos for dinner every other night. Yeah, that and stop drinking. Might adopt a little African orphan while I’m at it.
6)Having travelled to a variety of large cities both in North America and Europe, I have seen my fair share of homeless-people-with-crazy-drug-dependencies-who-need-to-groom-and-smell-like-my-sister’s-feet, but Melbourne takes the cake. The homeless people here seem to be just fucked right of their tree for the most part and often provide Leeanna and I with some humor/fright on our walks later in the evening. My personal favorite was the other night in Hungry Jack’s. The one homeless dude who smelled like a defecated on raccoon had a green toenail that had to be about 3-inches long. On top of this, he could barely stand-up and right after he got his burger went out and took a snooze on the sidewalk.
7)Television has become a large part of my life due to all my free time. As previously mentioned (even though no one reads this), we only get four channels so I have had time to observe the same shows over and over. One weird thing is how all the big morning shows intersperse infomercials with their regular programming. It’s like watching Good Morning America or Canada AM with 50% of the show talking about the Sham-Wow and Snuggies. This can be super-irritating when you’re trying to consume your Coco Puffs and OJ. Also, the number of wildlife shows on TV here is simply staggering. Needless to say, I am very well informed on such things as emus and rare mountain kangaroos. If anyone wants to know what to do when your pet koala has cancer I can direct you to a good vet. Lastly on the tele front, some shows I have rather started to enjoy that I wasn’t into that much before I left home include Californication, Parks and Recreation, The Office, and How I Met Your Mother. The ladder is a really big hit with me and the lady friend.
8)And one final note: I cannot get over how many Asians there are in Melbourne! I don’t mean this in a racist way, just more of a shocked kind of way. The Chinese and Indian communities here are borderline overwhelming. I don’t think there is a non-Chinese student in any of the universities in the city center. In fact, when we went to the movies last night, I was half expecting them to start dubbing it in Mandarin. What, I’m just sayin’! On that note, if there are any big-time fans of Indian or Chinese cuisine, this is a must visit city for you. Or if you’re lazy, you can just take a walk a through my apartment building and get all the smells from Beijing to New Delhi.
Until next time, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And remember, stay classy and don’t drink and drive. Until next time, cheers!
~Brent~
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009- How Someone Survived Two Years With Me I Will Never Know
The 2nd of December is a day I am not allowed to forget as I might be subject to such things as female-on-male violence or getting my testicles chopped off. Judging by that, you can guess it was my second year anniversary to my lovely girlfriend Leeanna, who in actuality has not committed an act of violence against me in quite some time. Anyways, to get back on track with my tall tales here, we arrived by bus into Melbourne at about 7am after a lovely 12 hour voyage that involved some guy talking very loudly on his cell phone for a long time, a Matthew McConaughey movie, and no one getting their head-chopped off a la Greyhound (sorry I just had to). Upon landing in our new city, we tried for over an hour to figure out what tram we should take to get to our hostel. We never did figure it out correctly, but we got there through a solid combination of smarts and prostitution. After dropping our bags off at our hostel (Victoria Hall [7.5/10]), we took a stroll through the city to get our bearings in what we were hoping would be our future home. We went for quite the walkabout and took in such sights as Federation Square, Rod Laver Arena (tennis, Australian Open), the Melbourne Cricket Grounds, and other stuff that I’m sure no one cares about. As we were sitting on a bench enjoying the sunshine that afternoon, a little birdy decided to give me an anniversary present in the form of a big shit on my shoulder. Leeanna was quite amused as I tried to claim back my now defecated on shirt. That night we went out for dinner to a place called Mama Parma’s and had what is apparently a Melbourne signature dish, the parma. It is basically just breaded chicken or veal that is then topped with a variety of pizza-style toppings. It was quite delicious, although we could not even eat half of it and apparently there is a law in the state of Victoria that does not allow you to take home your leftovers. So sad! Apparently this is due to a lawsuit a few years ago, something I figured would have happened long ago in the United States.
Thursday, after much deliberation and really no research we decided that we were going to make Melbourne our temporary home for the next 3 months. We spent a good part of the day browsing the internet for apartments with not much luck, as most realtors are not willing to let you sign a rent contract for anything less than 6 months. We ended up going to look at one apartment that was located right in the heart of the city and was priced right at about $1200 a month fully furnished. Naturally the apartment was a super-tiny 180 square feet. We told the agent we would give him a call back about his shoebox. For a nightcap, the wife and I headed over to the Ed Hardy Bowling Center (this country seems to rather enjoy Jon Gosselin’s brand of choice) to do some stylish 10 pin bowling. Unfortunately they were full though, and we ended up going to a very similar joint around the corner called Striker Bowling. It was equally chic, with a nice bar, nice lanes, and a great atmosphere. I guess bowling is a lot cooler here than back home. Following our sad attempt at recreating “Kingpin”, we headed back to the hostel to the theatre room and started to watch “Hancock”. In short, the movie sucked and we went to bed.
The next morning it was much of the same, as we perused the internet for apartments and made some calls. We didn’t have much luck, but decided to go and check out one place later in the day. Before that we went over to the Melbourne Gaol (jail, to us Yanks) which was located directly across from our hostel. It is actually one of the top tourist draws in the whole country. It is the oldest jail in Victoria, and has been home to its fair share of top-notch criminals. Amongst those, by far the most well known is Ned Kelly, the Outback Outlaw, who has been portrayed in movies by none other than Heath Ledger and the world’s ugliest man, Mick Jagger. At our apartment viewing, there were a shit-ton of people there, and although we liked the apartment, figured we didn’t have a chance as foreigners and just decided to give up on it. After much discussion about whether or not we wanted to live in a share-house or just get our own pad that would be significantly smaller and danker, we decided on the latter. Luckily (or maybe unluckily!), the first apartment we had viewed was still available and we agreed to meet the realtor to get the paperwork done. As night fell we went out for a nice Friday night sidewalk pasta dinner and stroll through the downtown district before retiring to our ultra-noisy hostel room. Gotta love paper thin windows and walls when you’re located on a busy thoroughfare!
Saturday the 5th of December, 2009 shall officially go down in history as the day that Brent Moreau signed his first real estate papers (aren’t you proud Mom and Dad?). Prior to our meeting with the real estate agent, we headed over to the Melbourne Museum which is apparently the largest museum in the southern hemisphere. I have noticed that things in Australia love to claim they are “the largest in the southern hemisphere”. It was very similar to the Royal Ontario Museum, although it was cheaper to get in ($8) and was much more advanced technologically with regards to interactive exhibits, etc. At 2pm we headed over to OzAsia (no joke) Realty to sign the papers for our big 3 month lease. Everything went okay and we were now the proud renters of 180 square feet on the 14th floor of an old building at the corners of Flinders and Spencer Streets. Our “fully-furnished” apartment consisted of a small bathroom, a futon that doubles as a double bed, a 13” TV with 4 channels, a table that doubles as the TV stand, 2 folding chairs, a small wardrobe, and the world’s smallest kitchenette that includes a microwave, mini-fridge, sink, and minimal cutlery. That’s it folks! Oh, and I did I mention that it is 180 square feet including the bathroom? Haha! That afternoon, Leeanna and I did our first ever domestic shopping for such exciting things as cleaning products, pillows, sheets, and tea towels! We were able to equip or shoebox for under $100 and celebrated by eating Subway yet again for dinner. That night to break in our new place we watched the epic film “Titanic” that was airing on one of our 4 channels. And no, this is not a joke!
Sunday marked another first: the first time I ever grocery shopped with the intent of my long-term consumption in my mind. Now I know why my Mom bitches about how much food we eat. One of the things I have yet to figure out is why produce costs so much in Australia when everything is grown here. Our afternoon consisted of a nice walk along the river which is a minute from our apartment and a stroll through the Crown Casino to check out the facilities (you can guess where this is going). After some delicious gelato (Italian ice cream for those of you who are less cultured) we returned to catch the last bit of the Australian Open golf event on TV. That night I was unfortunately itching to go gambling, as I now literally lived not even 5 minutes from the Crown Casino poker room. Unfortunately things did not go as planned (never do lately) and I lost $500 in the course of about 3.5 hours playing 2/3 No Limit Hold’em and 10/20 Limit Omaha. I have concluded that I just really suck at poker now. I have gone from a few years ago being a fairly successful (and profitable) low/mid-limit player to a bad, losing player with no confidence in my game. I’m like a horse that’s too old to race; I need to be taken out to pasture and shot. That might be a bit harsh but you get the idea.
Today (Monday, the 7th of December), shall be my last official daily entry for a while, as we are now settled down in our apartment and shall attempt to live a somewhat normal life for a while. Bank accounts and tax file (same as SIN numbers in Canada) were the order of business today! I will post weekly updates of what’s happening Down Under with Leeanna and I, as well as my thoughts and opinions on the culture or lack thereof. Again, thank you to everyone who reads and stay classy!
Thursday, after much deliberation and really no research we decided that we were going to make Melbourne our temporary home for the next 3 months. We spent a good part of the day browsing the internet for apartments with not much luck, as most realtors are not willing to let you sign a rent contract for anything less than 6 months. We ended up going to look at one apartment that was located right in the heart of the city and was priced right at about $1200 a month fully furnished. Naturally the apartment was a super-tiny 180 square feet. We told the agent we would give him a call back about his shoebox. For a nightcap, the wife and I headed over to the Ed Hardy Bowling Center (this country seems to rather enjoy Jon Gosselin’s brand of choice) to do some stylish 10 pin bowling. Unfortunately they were full though, and we ended up going to a very similar joint around the corner called Striker Bowling. It was equally chic, with a nice bar, nice lanes, and a great atmosphere. I guess bowling is a lot cooler here than back home. Following our sad attempt at recreating “Kingpin”, we headed back to the hostel to the theatre room and started to watch “Hancock”. In short, the movie sucked and we went to bed.
The next morning it was much of the same, as we perused the internet for apartments and made some calls. We didn’t have much luck, but decided to go and check out one place later in the day. Before that we went over to the Melbourne Gaol (jail, to us Yanks) which was located directly across from our hostel. It is actually one of the top tourist draws in the whole country. It is the oldest jail in Victoria, and has been home to its fair share of top-notch criminals. Amongst those, by far the most well known is Ned Kelly, the Outback Outlaw, who has been portrayed in movies by none other than Heath Ledger and the world’s ugliest man, Mick Jagger. At our apartment viewing, there were a shit-ton of people there, and although we liked the apartment, figured we didn’t have a chance as foreigners and just decided to give up on it. After much discussion about whether or not we wanted to live in a share-house or just get our own pad that would be significantly smaller and danker, we decided on the latter. Luckily (or maybe unluckily!), the first apartment we had viewed was still available and we agreed to meet the realtor to get the paperwork done. As night fell we went out for a nice Friday night sidewalk pasta dinner and stroll through the downtown district before retiring to our ultra-noisy hostel room. Gotta love paper thin windows and walls when you’re located on a busy thoroughfare!
Saturday the 5th of December, 2009 shall officially go down in history as the day that Brent Moreau signed his first real estate papers (aren’t you proud Mom and Dad?). Prior to our meeting with the real estate agent, we headed over to the Melbourne Museum which is apparently the largest museum in the southern hemisphere. I have noticed that things in Australia love to claim they are “the largest in the southern hemisphere”. It was very similar to the Royal Ontario Museum, although it was cheaper to get in ($8) and was much more advanced technologically with regards to interactive exhibits, etc. At 2pm we headed over to OzAsia (no joke) Realty to sign the papers for our big 3 month lease. Everything went okay and we were now the proud renters of 180 square feet on the 14th floor of an old building at the corners of Flinders and Spencer Streets. Our “fully-furnished” apartment consisted of a small bathroom, a futon that doubles as a double bed, a 13” TV with 4 channels, a table that doubles as the TV stand, 2 folding chairs, a small wardrobe, and the world’s smallest kitchenette that includes a microwave, mini-fridge, sink, and minimal cutlery. That’s it folks! Oh, and I did I mention that it is 180 square feet including the bathroom? Haha! That afternoon, Leeanna and I did our first ever domestic shopping for such exciting things as cleaning products, pillows, sheets, and tea towels! We were able to equip or shoebox for under $100 and celebrated by eating Subway yet again for dinner. That night to break in our new place we watched the epic film “Titanic” that was airing on one of our 4 channels. And no, this is not a joke!
Sunday marked another first: the first time I ever grocery shopped with the intent of my long-term consumption in my mind. Now I know why my Mom bitches about how much food we eat. One of the things I have yet to figure out is why produce costs so much in Australia when everything is grown here. Our afternoon consisted of a nice walk along the river which is a minute from our apartment and a stroll through the Crown Casino to check out the facilities (you can guess where this is going). After some delicious gelato (Italian ice cream for those of you who are less cultured) we returned to catch the last bit of the Australian Open golf event on TV. That night I was unfortunately itching to go gambling, as I now literally lived not even 5 minutes from the Crown Casino poker room. Unfortunately things did not go as planned (never do lately) and I lost $500 in the course of about 3.5 hours playing 2/3 No Limit Hold’em and 10/20 Limit Omaha. I have concluded that I just really suck at poker now. I have gone from a few years ago being a fairly successful (and profitable) low/mid-limit player to a bad, losing player with no confidence in my game. I’m like a horse that’s too old to race; I need to be taken out to pasture and shot. That might be a bit harsh but you get the idea.
Today (Monday, the 7th of December), shall be my last official daily entry for a while, as we are now settled down in our apartment and shall attempt to live a somewhat normal life for a while. Bank accounts and tax file (same as SIN numbers in Canada) were the order of business today! I will post weekly updates of what’s happening Down Under with Leeanna and I, as well as my thoughts and opinions on the culture or lack thereof. Again, thank you to everyone who reads and stay classy!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009- Off To The Dunes To Break My Coccyx!
The next morning I awoke after a good night’s sleep (same can’t be said for Leeanna) and headed over to take a dump in the toilets. Sure enough, up in the rafters there were two possums watching me drop the Cosby kids off at the pool. I was fine with this until one of them started coming down the wall into the bathroom and almost fell. Want to talk about shitting yourself! That afternoon, the bird whisperer and I had an appointment to go sandboarding. The area we were staying in is home to the largest coastal sand dunes in the southern hemisphere. Sandboarding is basically tobogganing down a huge sand hill at a very high rate of speed. It was awesome good fun and reminded me of all the good times I had in my youth with my GT Snowracer. Our driver also took us offroading in the dunes and to the beaches to search for pippies aka giant clams. And for all you Napoleon Dynamite fans, unfortunately there were no broken coccyx’s occurred at the dunes. Geez! That afternoon in my ass backwards kind of way of doing things we drove back north through Port Macquaire and all the way up to Coff’s Harbour (7 hours north of Sydney). We arrived late at night so we just went out to grab a late night dinner at a small Italian restaurant. After this we went to one of the local pubs to grab a few brews around 9pm. Leeanna started talking to this guy who was the lead in the local theatre production of Oliver and then one thing led to another and we were hanging out with the whole cast and crew. Well when it came time to shut the bar down around midnight, we were given permission to stay and drink all night/morning after hours. We ended up partying with the drama freaks (awesome group of Aussie’s actually!) until about 4:30am and then stumbled back to the hostel. It was around this time that I could not remember (was too shit-canned ) the combination to get into the hostel (Aussitel Backpackers [7/10]) and tried breaking in through the pool entrance. When all else failed, we waited for someone eating an early morning snack to let us in. Biggest shit show of life!
Saturday was a complete write-off as we were both about as hung over as Kirstie Alley after an all-night post-Jenny Craig binge. We didn’t get out of bed until the mid-afternoon, and the most productive thing I did before the dinner hour was take a 15 minute swim in the pool. For supper/breakfast we grabbed some Subway (they are making a killing off of Leeanna and I on this vacation) and then headed over to Park Beach to watch the sunset, which judging by all the cars is a very popular pastime in the area. Yes, and for those of you wondering I’m going to start writing romance novels very, very soon.
So we arrive at Sunday the 29th of November, almost two weeks since I left home and I haven’t been killed by any oversized insects or my girlfriend for that matter. This morning we packed up our belongings into our rented Corolla, programmed Susan and headed about 45 minutes inland to the small town of Bellingen and another hostel (Bellingen YHA 8/10). We came to this town because of its proximity to Dorrigo National Park, which is home to some of the most accessible rainforest trails in the world. Leeanna agreed to hike some of the trails with me today, although she said this was the last of our nature walks. I agreed because I’m a big pussy, but I still had the last laugh as I made her struggle up some quality hills. As far as free attractions go it was definitely an amazing thing to see, although I would have really liked to see a python. All I saw was stupid wild turkeys and lizards that look like small snakes (see: skinks). Leeanna the domestic goddess that she is made me my first home cooked meal in a while, Old El Paso tacos. God bless cheese and ground beef! And then I visited the bathroom.
Monday, was to put it bluntly a pretty much nothing day. It was our last day with our rented car, and instead of going somewhere new for the night we decided that we would just be lazy and chill in the happenin’ town of Bellingen for. I did nothing all day, except for browse the internet and watch this giant lizard roam around the property that apparently lives in the tree close by. The highlight of my day was for sure going shopping and buying lasagna at IGA for dinner. The night consisted of sitting around, drinking, and playing stupid games involving sports teams and the alphabet with a couple of English guys that I could barely understand. Exciting, I know.
So now, the 1st of December has arrived, and well there’s no snow and it’s warm out. Sorry to rub it in folks! Our car was due back in Sydney at 1pm, so we awoke bright and early around 6am so that we could hit the road by 7 and hopefully make it back on time. Naturally, I was brutally tired the whole drive, as vacationing is a very tough job! I ended up having to pull over a total of 3 times, once for a solid nap and because of this we ended up not getting back into the city until after 2pm. This inevitably led to late fee on the car and proof once again that I fatigue more easily than anyone this side of Eddie Murphy in a fat suit. The previous day we had looked at the comparative cost of flying to Melbourne and taking an overnight bus. In the end, we decided to take an overnight bus as it was a bit cheaper and would give us the chance to bond (oh and not pay for a hostel for one night). While we waited for our bus to depart we just hung around in Sydney, and did what we do best, eat crappy food and surf the internet. Our bus departed at 7pm and was scheduled to arrive in Melbourne the next morning at 7am. Judging by the people waiting for the bus, I must still assume that only crazies, drunks, and poor folks (students, backpackers, welfare cases, etc) use this form of transit outside of major urban centres.
Saturday was a complete write-off as we were both about as hung over as Kirstie Alley after an all-night post-Jenny Craig binge. We didn’t get out of bed until the mid-afternoon, and the most productive thing I did before the dinner hour was take a 15 minute swim in the pool. For supper/breakfast we grabbed some Subway (they are making a killing off of Leeanna and I on this vacation) and then headed over to Park Beach to watch the sunset, which judging by all the cars is a very popular pastime in the area. Yes, and for those of you wondering I’m going to start writing romance novels very, very soon.
So we arrive at Sunday the 29th of November, almost two weeks since I left home and I haven’t been killed by any oversized insects or my girlfriend for that matter. This morning we packed up our belongings into our rented Corolla, programmed Susan and headed about 45 minutes inland to the small town of Bellingen and another hostel (Bellingen YHA 8/10). We came to this town because of its proximity to Dorrigo National Park, which is home to some of the most accessible rainforest trails in the world. Leeanna agreed to hike some of the trails with me today, although she said this was the last of our nature walks. I agreed because I’m a big pussy, but I still had the last laugh as I made her struggle up some quality hills. As far as free attractions go it was definitely an amazing thing to see, although I would have really liked to see a python. All I saw was stupid wild turkeys and lizards that look like small snakes (see: skinks). Leeanna the domestic goddess that she is made me my first home cooked meal in a while, Old El Paso tacos. God bless cheese and ground beef! And then I visited the bathroom.
Monday, was to put it bluntly a pretty much nothing day. It was our last day with our rented car, and instead of going somewhere new for the night we decided that we would just be lazy and chill in the happenin’ town of Bellingen for. I did nothing all day, except for browse the internet and watch this giant lizard roam around the property that apparently lives in the tree close by. The highlight of my day was for sure going shopping and buying lasagna at IGA for dinner. The night consisted of sitting around, drinking, and playing stupid games involving sports teams and the alphabet with a couple of English guys that I could barely understand. Exciting, I know.
So now, the 1st of December has arrived, and well there’s no snow and it’s warm out. Sorry to rub it in folks! Our car was due back in Sydney at 1pm, so we awoke bright and early around 6am so that we could hit the road by 7 and hopefully make it back on time. Naturally, I was brutally tired the whole drive, as vacationing is a very tough job! I ended up having to pull over a total of 3 times, once for a solid nap and because of this we ended up not getting back into the city until after 2pm. This inevitably led to late fee on the car and proof once again that I fatigue more easily than anyone this side of Eddie Murphy in a fat suit. The previous day we had looked at the comparative cost of flying to Melbourne and taking an overnight bus. In the end, we decided to take an overnight bus as it was a bit cheaper and would give us the chance to bond (oh and not pay for a hostel for one night). While we waited for our bus to depart we just hung around in Sydney, and did what we do best, eat crappy food and surf the internet. Our bus departed at 7pm and was scheduled to arrive in Melbourne the next morning at 7am. Judging by the people waiting for the bus, I must still assume that only crazies, drunks, and poor folks (students, backpackers, welfare cases, etc) use this form of transit outside of major urban centres.
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