Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Day 1- Flatulence and Turbulence; My Favorite and Least Favorite "Ences"

As a talking spider named Charlotte once said, "greetings and salutations"! After taking a significant amount of time off (see: I'm a lazy service industry employee who enjoys online gambling and watching "Sons of Anarchy" and "Breaking Bad" more than doing productive shit), my girlfriend has forced me at butter knife point to resume my blog writing.  She insists that I put down things on paper or she will cut me off. You know what I mean.  So alas, I will attempt to document Colleen and Big Sexy's (my new self-appointed name) travels over the next few months as we try to survive three plus months away from the frozen tundra that is Inuvik in the heart of winter.

Before I go on though, I quickly have to send some shout-outs to some of my old school homies; Jon Muzychka, Ian Kristman, and Ryan Lapp, all of whom have gotten engaged over the past few months.  I personally want to thank you, as I am now feeling immense pressure from my girlfriend to "put a ring on it". Thanks Beyonce, you dumb bitch for giving women this feeling that they are equal. Laughable, I know gentlemen.  I imagine this feeling I am having is very similar to that of having your nuts in a vice grip.  Back to the matter at hand though....

Day 1- Flatulence and Turbulence; My Favorite and Least Favorite "Ences"

After many months of planning anticipation, the time had finally arrived for Colleen and I to depart our glorious bachelor apartment in Inuvik, Northwest Territories.  For those not in the know, our itinerary for the next few months was as follows:

-Visit Rome, Italy for a few days
-Take a two week cruise across the Atlantic Ocean from Rome to Fort Lauderdale, Florida
-Return home to our families for the Christmas season (Colleen to Kamloops, British Columbia; myself to Bradford, Ontario)
- Travel to Asia for two months after the holidays (no itinerary planned yet)
-Return to Inuvik, broke and destitute on March 1, 2013 and hope that the employees of the restaurant have not staged a coup in my absence. Resume normal life and enjoy the seasonal highs of approximately -30°C. 

Fortunately, I've got a lot of living to do before March 1 though and a wad of money that's just burning a hole in my pocket!

After wrapping up my work commitments the night before on November 17, the day was finally upon us when we would be free of the shackles of work (at least for a few months).  After packing up the last of our belongings, I ventured out into the cold Arctic morning to round up the work van to transport the goods  to one of my coworkers places .  Within seconds of stepping outside into the -35°C temperatures, I (along with my now inverted testicles) quickly remembered why we decided to go on vacation at this time of year.  Yes, Inuvik, can be glorious.  After a quick load up, Colleen and I hopped in the van and me being the stud dumbass that I am, I promptly got it stuck in the snow bank.  This in turn led to me throwing a hissy fit, Colleen laughing at me, and in the end me pushing a big white van that resembles a sperm whale while my girlfriend floors it in reverse.  Yup, definitely not going to miss Inuvik for the foreseeable future.  We eventually did get the big ole marine mammal back on the road, albeit my feet were now frozen and some street people who just happened to be intoxicated at 9am got some decent free entertainment at my expense. 

After getting everything into storage, it was time to head to the restaurant and say goodbye to everyone and score one last free meal.  All of the wait staff seemed to have this glow about them, as if they were almost happy that their obsessive compulsive, big eye-browed manager Brent would be leaving them for three and a half months.  Fuckers.  As I was enjoying my final poutine (our main source of protein in the north)  and taking extra precautions to make sure none of my eyebrow hairs became lodged in my food, Colleen realized that she didn't have her ID, credit cards, debit cards, etc.  Being the calm person that she is, this quickly sent her in to insane panic mode as we were to be leaving for the airport in under half an hour.  She figured that they must have been placed into one of her coats that were now in storage and low and behold we could not get a hold of the young lady who was babysitting our goods.  After many frantic calls, attempts to track down spare keys, and Colleen going bat-shit crazy, we were able to obtain the crucial plastic pieces and head out of town!

Upon arrival at the Inuvik Airport, we were informed that our plane would be late.  Nothing out of the ordinary for Inuvik, in fact I would alarmed if the plane was on time.  Apparently, because of the extremely cold temperatures they were having to de-ice the plane at every stop that morning.  After finally making it onto the giant, frozen mechanical bird, we were southbound for Edmonton.  Shortly thereafter the flight attendant was getting us some drinks and I happened to be rummaging through my girlfriend's purse when, as if on cue, a bright red condom falls out with the words "Piranha 3D" on it.  While I like to tell people this is my penis' nickname, they were in fact promotional condoms from some club we had went to a few months prior.  Awkward nonetheless and the male flight attendant kept winking at me after that.  And then just to up the ante a bit, we hit turbulence!  Now having travelled on hundreds of planes in my time, I am very familiar with run-of-the-mill turbulence.  This was not it .  After the pilot informed us that we would be going through some "rough" skies, all hell broke loose.  The plane started shaking violently, and I'm pretty sure a few people started praying pretty heavily.  To make matters worse, there was a grown woman two rows behind us who went into hysterics and was having to be restrained by three people.  This was a perfect example of someone who should pop a few Valiums before flying; or at the very least just get trashed before the flight so you sleep through the whole thing.  And as if this wasn't already enough, the pilot's voice came on over the intercom, and I shit you not he said, "sorry about the turbulence folks, this is the worst of it I've ever seen in my flying career".  Are you fucking kidding me!? What kind of pilot says that?  Only the best for us folks in the north!  Eventually, we powered through the storm, the lady did not rip anyone's limbs off and we arrived in one piece in Edmonton.  The biggest relief for me though was just being able to fart freely.  I hate nothing more than being on a plane and having to fart excessively.  I mean, you can let the first one rip, but if that one smells I believe it is common in-flight courtesy to quench your cheeks for the remainder of the flight and just let out one gigantic aromatic fart at the luggage carousel.  Sorry citizens of Edmonton. 

 After rounding up our baggage a few hours later than we had originally intended (initial delay, plus de-icing delays in Yellowknife and Norman Wells), the wifey and I made our way to our hotel, where we would be spending the night before going our separate ways the following day and re-uniting in Rome at the end of the week.  All in all, an adventurous start to the trip that was aptly celebrated with some of that sweet nectar that you cannot find in Inuvik: draft beer.